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The Dark Side: Coping with My Memories

Everyone has a dark side. Of course, some are darker than others.

My dark side is pretty dark. Countless rapes and beatings can turn a heart cold. I have known about my anger for many years. I am comfortable with my anger. I know how to express it safely. Nobody gets hurt. I acknowledge the anger. And eventually, I am able to integrate those feelings. And I feel a little more whole.

My latest memories are dark. After six years of recovery work, these memories are exposing a level of rage that even surprises me. It is definitely not my standard anger. It is different. I don’t feel mad. I don’t feel anything at all. There is no empathy and compassion. There is no acknowledgment that others have feelings. This rage doesn’t care if others live or die.

It is scary. And it is probably what drives a person to murder.

11 Comments to
The Dark Side: Coping with My Memories

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  1. Cool. Do you carry a knife or gun?

    • A gun … never.
      A knife when I am in the kitchen.

      I know it doesn’t seem like it from this article, but I am a bit of a pacifist.

  2. Very true to where I am in my journey. I also tried to get away once, and it also nearly killed me.

    • I am sorry that you are going through something similar. It is a tough road to healing. It is always helpful to know others are recovering too. That is why I write.

  3. I found reading about your experiences must have been difficult for you to overcome the feelings of helplessness.there are some really bad and wicked people in this world who seem to get pleasure out of having control over another persons life.i have had this experience and its really hard and debilitating trying to leave the person who is abusing think you can do it and then another day you think everyone will think you are crazy or making up lies if you ‘tell’ on is really awful being held prisoner.i hope that by writing and talking about my feelings like you i will be able to leave bad memories behind me and lead a happier life.thank you for sharing your story.

    • Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. I experienced many of the same doubts as you. Everyone has a preferred method of releasing the old and the bad. Mine has mainly come through the written words. I personally believe that speaking about my ordeal has been dramatically healing for me.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I am feeling similar to the way you described yourself in your story and knowing that I am not alone made a whole world of difference today.

  5. Wow. I was verbally, mentally and emotionally abused as a kid all the time; parents older sisters. I was constantly afraid. A rage was building up in me and I had better not stand up for myself or else. Sadly I took it out on others that I thought I could take it out on. I was also in a constant state of rage as I currently am today. Sadly I have repeated my childhood all over again. With some pretty horrible men, there have been some of their women friends who have joined them. Where have I seen this movie before and why did I repeat history? How? Why? One man in particular has all but had me killed. Seriously. I am kind of hiding out now. Away from that crowd for fear of his constant retaliation. Through manipulating others because of his fierce manipulation tactics and controlling I now have removed myself. I don’t like living in fear. Talk about rage. I am enraged and gently healing, letting myself feel it all: anger, depression, sadness, not running from what is and he is extremely dangerous.Extremely. Finally I got it he is not going to be satisfied until I am dead one way or another. So I am finding my own safe place to live since he will stop at nothing, even if he has to use others. A book was recommended : Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. By Lundy Bancroft. Wow. It’s all in there.

    • I am so sorry that you are living with this fear right now. Please stay safe. If you need resources, please talk to an organization that can help you.

  6. Thank you for your courage.In speaking, in expressing, and for sharing it. You have given many gifts in doing so. Gifts of the highest quality, and caliber. Gifts first to yourself, and from expression-gifts to complete strangers. Truth begets empowerment. Truth paves the road with hope.



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