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Would You Help Cover Up an Affair for a Friend?

This guest article from YourTango was written by Kanya Daley

Betrayal. Seeing red. Unforgivable. Unbelievable.

These are words people often use to describe when they find out friends knew their spouse was having an affair.

But there’s often another element of upset that hurts as much as the affair it self — the cover-up. The cover-up occurs when friends know about an affair and fib for their friend as they lie and sneak around.

Which brings us to the question of the moment — would you help cover up an affair for a friend?


6 Comments to
Would You Help Cover Up an Affair for a Friend?

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  1. I wouldn’t help a friend cover up heir own cheating, but I have kind of been on the other side. A friend found out her husband had been having an affair and actually had a child with someone else. For some reason, which escapes me, she forgives him for every indiscretion and decided to stay with him. His family know, but none of hers do and I’m the only friend she told (mainly because she turned up at my flat at 4 AM needing somewhere to stay). Anyway, she didn’t feel she could cope with the uproar from her family and so hasn’t told them. She’s used me as an excuse for the period when she was hiding away from it all and has expected me to lie to cover for her. Or really to cover for her cheating husband I suppose.

    So I find myself lying to her family, who I love like my own, and just being involved in this big coverup that is bound to come out at some point.

    I’m not sure what the moral of my story is, unless it’s just to tell you that I agree with the article – it’s complex and not exactly fun, being stuck in the middle.

  2. Years ago, my best friend confided in me that she was having an affair. I made it VERY clear right then, that I would NEVER mention her affair to anyone, but if I was ASKED I would not lie to protect her. Thank God no one ever suspected or asked questions. I made it clear that I wouldn’t tell anyone but, I wouldn’t lie to cover for her. She stopped her affair but a few years later her marriage ended in divorce. No one but she and I and her lover ever knew about the affair.

    If I KNEW the spouse of a friend was cheating I definitely WOULD tell my friend. They deserve to know.

    Now comes my OWN personal story of being cheated on. My husband and I have been married since 2001. I had brain surgery in 2009 and have been on anti-seizure, anti-depressants, and anxiety meds. My husband had been beside me all the way, always understanding my need to sleep some during the day or “get away” with naps. I’m disabled due to not being able to handle stress. Sometimes my obligations and “life” overwhelms me. Our dear friends, across the street, moved and another family moved in. To make this story shorter, the woman who moved in seduced my husband (her husband lived out of town during the week) for a year. While I was out of town in 2012 he gave in and they started an affair. Several of our friends caught on, but two of his friends KNEW it. I asked and they lied. The affair went on for a year. This woman convinced my husband I was just lazy and used my illness as an excuse. They were going to leave me and her husband for each other, but my husband had a change of heart. We are still working on our marriage but it is SO hard to trust him, to really know for sure that it’s over or that he his totally honest with me. They hid it so well from me then, I feel they could still hide it well from me now! She was SUPPOSEDLY a great friend of mine. We recently moved and no longer live across the street from them, but close enough for them to still meet (only a few miles away). I wish those who suspected or KNEW would have told me.

  3. This is an important topic and very complicated. I believe that there is no one simple answer to this question. Every person needs to deal with it via their own moral compass and values. A lot of pain emerges once an affair has been discovered. Finding out that others have been party to an affair can contritube to the pain. Although I believe that it is important for people to follow what makes sense to them. There is no easy answer here.

  4. Over the years, I have been put in the position of knowing about a friends affair exactly twice. I do not believe in covering for infidelities, so I quietly had the discussion with my friends. To my surprise and great disappointment, each friend ended up blaming me when their relationships ended. Now, I don’t think I would offer up the information, unless I was outright asked if I know anything. Although, if a friend knew that my spouse was having an affair & didn’t tell me, I don’t think I could forgive them for keeping it from me.

  5. I can’t help but feel sorrow and empathy for anyone who has been in this kind of situation. What is really tragic is when children are involved. I know because I was a child of a marriage destroyed by infidelity. This would be another topic for discussion. Peace of Mind & Love to You, Nana

  6. Need Help!
    Someone I classed as a really good friend who my children have grown up with(they are now in their 20’s) has been having continuous affairs and I have covered for her, which makes me feel so bad. To begin with, she was overweight but ended up losing it all and looked amazing. Her husband who I have known for the same amount of time, is lovely. There is nothing he won’t do for her and she walks all over him. The first affair was short lived and I let it go because I thought it was an attention seeking thing because of all the weight loss but she has gone on to have numerous affairs. I was not happy and told her that if she was that unhappy in her married, she should leave but she wants it all. For the past two years, we have not socialised with our husbands. She has had parties but we haven’t been invited and yet she invited her lover and HIS wife. She is nearly 50 and the guy she is seeing at the moment is 25 (the same age as our sons). She shops with his wife and the really sad thing about it all is that his wife is desperate for a baby and my so called friend is being a shoulder to cry on. I can’t stand it. The only time I got to speak/see her was when things weren’t going very well with the boyfriend. I never supported her, just told her to finish it and concentrate on her marriage. However, my husband and I went to a joint friends wedding and I was snubbed…have found out that my cheating friend has spread around rumours that we fell out over money. I have broke the seal of friendship and told my husband as I am not lying for her anymore. I told her that my husband knows and she is being so nasty. Feel so angry!!



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