One of the most enduring posts I’ve ever written here is Bipolar Disorder and Dating. Comments have come in continuously, as people are very concerned about relationships with partners who have bipolar disorder. Some think it’s worth it and some do not. What …
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Thanks for the HotPeachPages link. I will file that one away for future use. As for the bipolar issue, you present such an important point. Individuals who work hard to manage their disorder, who listen to difficult feedback and follow treatment recommendations are more likely to maintain their relationships.
I was hoping to find info helpful for someone with BPD on the receiving end of abuse who has been made to feel like they are the crazy one and their perception is skewed and abuse doesn’t really exist.
There is a very important play being performed that is helping to bust down the walls of stigma attached to bipolar disorder. You can read all about it http://www.type2bipolarshow.com
We are hoping it will be in a city near you in the very near future.
Cheers and best wishes to all,
Michelle
P.S.
The play is called ‘Type 2 – A Tragic Comedy’ and was masterfully written by Jason Gale who is successfully living Bipolar Disorder.
Cheers!
Thanks for the link, Michelle.
Anon, being “made to feel like they are the crazy one and their perception is skewed and abuse doesn’t really exist” is actually a pretty common tactic of abusers. You can find help at the Hot Peach Pages, there are people who understand the dynamic. It’s awful that your illness is used against you like that. You don’t deserve it.
Hi…you know after reading the page here over again…I wish first and most of all that dear Anon finds peace in her relationship and that her partner finds the inner peace (through treatment, medication and a strong support system) needed to quiet the monster within…I’ve seen it…it is ugly and frightening.
I wish you could both see our show…only because it is helping so many people….I’ve seen the affect on audiences…it is very therapeutic for both sides of the bipolar disorder fence…those living with it and those living with people who have BD.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts Anon and hope you stay safe and things become manageable for you both…how ever that needs to happen.
Sincerely,
Michelle
With these ideas, it only makes sense why my relationships come and go. People that I have been with see that I go through mood changes but I am on medication. I don’t get violent; however, I am a tall big guy and that already intimidates people. If I slightly raise my deep voice, some people get shaky. Thank God, there have been people in the past that have said “if you really look behind that, you really are a nice guy.” Thanks to sterotypes that big men are dangerous and that those with bipolar disorder are dangerous too. Thanks for your article. Now I know why I am alone. I know why I isolate myself.
my Mother,Debbie Manka ,went off and married her Psychologist/therapist Matt Manka. It destroyed our family and my brothers mental health as well as mine. it also destroyed my fathers health as he and my mother(debbie)r were going to Matt for marriage counseling initially. Now Matt and Debbie are running Lifestream Solutions in Arizona.I personally do not think they should be allowed to counsel anyone ,as dating your client is against the rules,right? Any comments on all this? kris
Hi Joe – the post isn’t about guys like you who are *not* violent. Lots of people commented at the original post (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/03/04/bipolar-disorder-and-dating/) that they are happily committed to men with bipolar, and they’re not violent. The stereotype is damaging and unfair, I agree. But although the number of people who are violent during manic episodes is low it still isn’t zero, which is my point: people need treatment.
Kris – it’s considered unethical to date a client during treatment.
I have been diagnosed with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder and have researched it extensively. If your partner is violent, then he is violent. He may have a harder time controlling that side of himself because of the mood swings, but make no mistake, it’s not the illness. People who have this illness are as individual as anyone else and are no more or less violent. If they take responsibility for themselves (follow doctor’s orders, go to your appointments, and be compliant with your meds) they can lead a normal life. Part of taking responsibility is doing what I like to call self-policing In other words watch for drastic changes in your moods and be mindful if those around you see a change and get an adjustment to your meds if required. It’s a two way street as in any relationship and the first step is to be careful who you get involved with. It has nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder, it’s the man. If a man is capable of hitting you, he always will be even without having a chemical imbalance. And if he says it won’t happen again, he’s lying, wether he knows it or not. The final thing to consider is that just because someone has Bipolar Disorder, it doesn’t mean they don’t have other psych illnesses that can account for some of their behavior.
You mentioned “Lots of people commented at the original post (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/03/04/bipolar-disorder-and-dating/) that they are happily committed to men with bipolar, and they’re not violent.” Why would you double post an article on the web? Google penalizes for that in PageRank. At any rate. I think this article falsely stigmatizes bipolars as abusers and I am surprised even the title got past the editor.
A. It’s not a double post, it’s a follow up of new content with a link to an old post.
B. Refusal to believe victims stigmatizes them. Why are you defending criminals?
C. I repeat: it is not bipolar alone that makes someone likely to be violent, and studies have disproven the myth. It’s the *combination* of untreated illness with substance abuse and a history of violence that increases risk.
I am bi-polar,[ultra ultra rapid cycling] I take my meds trying very hard to control this mental illness, but if I have a manic episode, my father and my brother threaten to knock my head against a wall. They have also threatened to kill me, shoot me, and there are guns in the house. These threats are serious. My brother is an alcoholic, and my father is retired, but is a retired vice cop. I spent my entire day hiding in the basement, and I took a bunch of hydrocodones to calm my manic state. Job and Family Services has cut my medicaid, and I can’t get help now. Not everybody who is bi-polar is the perpitraitor. I need help!
I guess there is nobody here, story of my life.
I am here, Mary, although I admit, I was on another link and just saw your name in passing.
So sorry your life is so terrible! I myself don’t know much about bipolar, and just wanted to let you know that I saw your comment, and took it in.
Hope someone more experienced will respond to you,
Best, Katrin
Hi Mary, as I mentioned in the post above, please visit the Hot Peach Pages (click link below). They can help you find help immediately.
http://hotpeachpages.net/
my son has bi polar and it has been a nightmare. First we are poor so it’s been mental health and they only put him on depakote and he won’t take it, he has gotten violent with mainly his sister and myself, don’t call the police because they won’t take him to the hospital, they arrest him and that is a domestic violence charge, felony, his ex wife won’t let him see his daughter untill he has a job, they won’t hire because he is bi polar and he can’t last at jobs, help! Someone please let me know if you have experienced this
Hi sheryle, your post was in 2009 I hope your son got help.I have a son with bipolar 2.He will not take his meds also he lost the benefits from the county to get help just bcuz he missed an appoinment and he is in a waiting list.I had giving up on him.He is violent towards ex girlfriends my daughter and me.this last time he assaulted me worse than before. He already waiting for trail in other causes. I which we can communicate and talk in the phone, your situation is very similar like mine.Take care God bless you
Mary, go to a women’s shelter or have the police take you to one. They can get you lots of help with meds, housing, counseling. etc.
Is severe domestic abuse and violence a mental thing or is the person pure evil with no heart?I have tried to figure this out for 9 years in an often abusive marriage
Hi im Alisa and im 15, and my mother has been in violent relationships ever since I can remember. But Im afraid that if i become in a relationship my partner would abuse me. How can i get over this fear? All my life I’ve been afraid that I wouldnt live to be an adult and I had to grow up fast bacause of what i am afraid of.
Alisa,
Counseling is the best way I’ve found. Having a caring network of friends is important as well, because friends tend to see things in your partner that you may miss. Beware of any partner who tries to separate you from friends or family. Prevention is the best way to stop the cycle of abuse, because it is difficult to escape the situation while you are in it.
I live with my ex-wife and my kids she has BP and is very obsesive of me, she will not let me talk to anyone, or work or even watch music on tv due to the fact that there are weman on it. She is unstable ans she has taken ten years of my life, and I don’t want here to ruin my kids life. What should I do?
I agree with original comment that bipolar does not, in and of itself, cause physical violence. I honestly believe that people with bipolar are far more likely to commit violence against themselves than they are others. Biplar disorder has a higher rate of suicide than any other mental illness. I think the last stat I saw was 1 in 5. I have bipolar disorder, and I am not violent, even during times when my medication has not worked effectively or when I wasn’t medicated at all. However, I am also a director of a domestic violence shelter, and I can attest that substance abuse definitely contributes to violent episodes, but at any rate is still not the sole cause. The cause for domestic violence is an unhealthy need to exert power and control over another person. Domestic violence is not a mental illness, although it might be an indicator of a mental illness existing.
I was divorced 8 years ago from a wife who was Bipolar. She had had episodes withdrawing and excluding herself from the family for many years. We were married for 20 years. I had talked to her many times about going to a psychologist just to see if there was something we could do to help these periods of excluding herself. She always refused. She became agressive with our two children on 3 occassions. I had to start watching her when ever she performed any disciplinary action. I did this to ensure she would not physcally abuse the children. This only happened on rare occassions. One day I found a bottle of anti-depressant medication in her sock drawer (while I was putting away some clean clothes). When she came home from work, the kids were still at atheletic activities, so I dicided to ask her about the medication and why she had not discussed going to a doctor or getting on the medication with me. She went immediately into a rage and began trying to hit me, throwing things, and yelling I was trying to hurt her (I was sitting on the sofa). She immediately went to our room and from the room I hear the slide action of our 20 guage shotgun. I quitely walked to the hallway where I could see and saw the barrel of the shotgun sticking out of our walkin closet. This shotgun had not been used for 15 years. So I immediately left and called 911. The deputies came and afer another violent episode with them she was arrested.
She has always said she was going out to shoot chickens. This is hard to believe.
We were divorced, my children have always believed her story and think I was they one who was wrong. Even after they knew she had been violent with them in the past.
This brings me to a point which I see a lot. When a male sugject is the violent one he is always assumed quilty. When a female is the subject of the violence, she is always assumed innocent.
I find this most unfair. I was and am a good man, husband, and person.
I have accepted the fact my children have a hard time or do not want to believe the truth in this most unfortunate case.
I have tried to move on and not think about it anymore, but at time is still haunts me.
I believe I am lucky to be here to write about my experience.
Thanks for listening.
Living with a bipolar wife for fifteen years, but in the last five its got worse. She medicates with vodka, and turns into something froma horror film. Sometimes, I lock myself in the bathroom with the kids to keep her away. She then carries on her binge until she passes out or comes to harm somewhere. The problem is, she repeatedly claims to medical staff or social workers that I caused any consequent injuries.Depressingly, they frequently side with her, and accuse me of ‘domestic violence’. As if the nightmare wasn’t bad enough.
I can sympathize with you. Once my dad was ordered to take domestic violence classes when my bipolar mother was the violent one.
I totally applaud Bekah for the work she is doing. However, does she have places in her shelter for male subjects of domestic violence?
Best wishes.
Hello all.
I live in south Florida. 6 months ago I ended a 6 month relationship with a woman who has all the markers of something like bipolar. It ended because she attacked me one time too many, and I defended myself. I am now facing charges of domestic violence because of it.
I want to know if anyone has knowledge and experience of the law in Florida surrounding getting the courts to have her diagnosed. More to the point can anyone recommend a lawyer who is very familiar with this, as mine refuses to handle the case in the way I am wanting.
The last 6 months have been hell as she has continued to stalk me, even though I have a no contact order. She is ruining my reputation throughout my profession. She continues to make lies and is still being abusive mentally. I’ve changed my phone number and email, etc… and she has found me again.
I don’t want to be in this fight with her. I want to find the best outcome for us both. Other than her bad episodes she was a wonderful woman.
thanks
Have you tried getting a temporary restraining order? If you get that and she violates it you can have her thrown in jail.
I don’t know the relationship between Bipolar and violence. I was attacked by a woman who is bipolar she is a mean and hateful woman that refuse to take responsibilities for her illness or actions. I have no idea if it is a symptom of bipolar or if this is just the person she really is. She is someone who needs to be taken off the streets. After I was attacked by her, I looked for help. In my search I found out she has done it before.
I don’t believe everyone is like this and I hope that people know that there are people that have this illness that is worth holding on to. I just happen to meet a woman who is in denial, 60 years old and continues to hurt people like it is the thing to do.
I was raised by my unpredictably violent, untreated bipolar mother. She screams all the time and becomes violent seemingly for no reason. I’ve encouraged her to get help. She was treated back in the 80s but didn’t like the medication so stopped using it. I feel sorry for the poor woman but I don’t know what I can do if she refuses help.
As someone with this disorder, prevention could have saved me so much heart ache. Poor relationships, years of poor work performance, poor school performance (and yeah, I’m a good employee & student otherwise, so it really is the disorder), and generally feeling miserable and unstable isn’t how you need to live your life. Sure, the idea of being dependent on a pill, needing to spend hours at the gym or relying on authority figures to mange my life wasn’t appealing.
I can’t describe how horrible letting insanity control my life was, so if just a single person reads this and gets treatment I would be so relieved. Really it is best to seek treatment at the first sign of trouble, even if you think you can’t afford to. If you happen to also be violent and suspect bipolar disorder or any other mental illness, you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to get treated. While bipolar disorder doesn’t cause a non-violent peaceful person to become violent, it makes it more difficult to suppress inhibitions and makes it that much easier to become agitated. Using all your energy to cope with having a mental illness is also very exhausting and could make it harder to suppress violent or abusive behaviors.
So, I can’t stress prevention enough. It is really hard to undo negative behavior and relatively easy to find treatment options for a variety of mental illnesses.
My best friend has been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 after 10 years of episodes and denial. Her last episode she came after me to choke me when I asked her if she would like a cup of coffee. 2 other times she came after me to punch me, all times she did stop herself. The first thing one must do in this situation is to get to safety and then seek assistance for their loved one.
What if its the bipolar person who is the victim? My friend is in a very abusive relationship, physically and emotionally. This abuser has broken her to the point where she feels worthless and alone (except for him of course). She has called the police 2x for physical violence and in both cases, he was not arrested and the police believed him because he uses her mental illness as the reason for the call. He tells the police that he is trying to help her but she’s bipolar and intoxicated. Another problem is that he knows so well how to push her buttons that when the police arrive she’s enraged this making it look like he is right. This man is extremely dangerous and feels as though he is above the police now since succeeding in manipulating them to believe that “she is just crazy”. My friend now has a broken hand and head trauma from the last incident and because the adrenalin blocked the pain while the police were there and the bruises appeared hours later, the police didn’t believe her. Any advise is appreciated.
It is heart breaking to know how many woman feel the way I do, because no one should have to. I adore my fiancé, he adores me too so I struggle to understand how he can look me in the eye with nothing but a manic, psychotic grin and evil laugh while choking me until I go limp. I try to calm him down, apologise for god only knows what, to get him to come back to me but it never works. I’ve learnt its easier to leave, silently and walk round the block for a bit, hope he’ll be back to normal on my return. rather that than be hung over the top of the stairs bannister again. I pray they will speed up his treatment, he’s not on medication and is slowly killing himself, one of us will bear the brunt of his rage once and for all soon, its such a shame hes such an amazing guy otherwise i’d rather die by his side than walk away and let him struggle alone. good luck ladies god bless every one of you x
I have been involved with a man for 30 yrs. I met him right after I graduated high school and found him to be fun and exciting. 6 yrs later we married and 2 yrs after that we had our first child. As our relationship progressed I noticed changes in his behavior. He was always unreliable but it got much worse. He would get paid and disappear until he was broke. I found out that he was smoking crack. He wasn’t even getting high with others. He would just go off alone for days getting stoned and living in his own head. Once he tried to push me out of a moving car and 2 or 3 times he grabbed me around the throat “just to shut me up”. I had 2 children that I have raised basically alone. I was so afraid that he sould get unreasonably angry about things that I would say that I woke him up by being too loud or I broke the lamp. Just to divert his attention away from the kids. I new he was bipolar and in denial. 6 yrs ago he finally got help. At first he took his meds and went to all of his appointments. Now he doesn’t. He should take an antidepressant, antianxiety, and a mood stabilizer. He refuses to take the antidepressant and I don’t think the others work any more. He is always either sleeping or screaming at everyone. I am terrified of this man that I once thought of as my prtector. If I try to tell him he just says that I am trying to make people think he’s nut so I can control him. Noone in his family knows about his disorder. He tells them he can’t work because of his back and then gets furious with me because he is “not sick”. He htreatens me that he is going to start getting high again all the time. I am now trying to work on my exit plan. I now that his controlling and abuse are not due to his bipolar but something much deeper. Thank you for the abuse link. I will definitely use it.