Emotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.
It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.
The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.
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If anyone is interested. My paper, Society’s Hidden Pandemic Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault. I presented at the Michigan Counseling Association.
I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse. I wrote about my life, won a scholarship, and am a sophomore at age 66.
Alicia,
I am really interested in your paper. If you can direct me to where I might be able to access it, I would greatly appreciate it.
I also greatly appreciate you sharing a little about your courage. I wish you well.
Hi Alicia,
I also would be interested in reading your paper.
Thank you
I am very interested in reading your paper. Please email me a copy or a link to where I can read it. Thank you!
I would be interested in reading your paper as well. I am in a 28 year marriage and have also been emotionally abused. This article and recent conversations with family and friends after an incident, have put me on a path of trying to find my way out of this way of living that I have permitted for the last 30+ years.
I very much resent the included graphic of a man dealing out the emotional abuse. It’s a model for stereotypes that might well be rooted in fact, but still misleading. Women, especially mothers, are the prevalent emotional abusers in my my practice. And they feel guilty about it.
They were abused too, and in therapy many, many of them come to understand that although their fathers may have had the loudest voice and been the most intractable, it was their mother’s steady, unrelenting, cruel emotional abuse that they have more trouble resolving.
I could not care less about gender politics. From my experience, women have just as much potential to psychologically damage their children than their husbands.
Hi good Guy,
This is most definitely not a gender specific article. The photo is chosen by the blog editor. I appreciate you making this a very clear distinction!
Best,
Maria
Hello: I certainly agree with you about the devastating effects an overly emotional mother can have on a helpless infant. I was puzzled when I saw my youngest granddaughter, a few months old crumpled over and in obvious distress after her mother had dropped her off, usually murmuring, sometimes sobbing over and over: “Mommie hates to leave you, mommie wants to be with her pretty baby.”, Mommie has to go now.” for as long as 20 minutes. I was more puzzled however when I noticed this infant recover within a short time after her mother finally left, often late for work. She sat up erect, and seemed to throw of the signs of distress and become the relaxed, happy faced baby I know. We are just beginning to learn more about the effects of early life experiences on adult life, but ‘words’, even spoken in humor, the kind of jibes that occurs in marriage and families seem to have more impact on the very young than anyone has suspected. The ‘child within’ the adult doesn’t go away.
I’ve often thought a better idea would be to publish an article for people that exhibit these behaviors. There’s no shortage of “you are being abused if _____ is happening” articles. I have yet to see one that is like “you might be abusing people if you exhibit ______. Here’s how to work towards stopping these behaviors…”
Good point, archon! Agree completely. Poster “A good Guy” above ought to take your suggested quiz. I say that because abusers frequently use reversal as a defense. What he’s found in his practice is definitely not indicated by the research, but is indicative of what he is looking for. His objection to the stock photo in a 100% gender neutral article shows there’s a problem, and it isn’t with this article.
When there’s an article about any kind of violence against women, it’s the abusers who immediately drag up nonsense about how often men are violently abused or falsely accused of rape. These stats are on the order of under 0.1%. They exist, but they are very unusual; the abuser uses these unlikely figures as his shield because he will not confront his own behavior.
I predict your quiz will result in a lot of angry men throwing the quiz across the room.
Hi Archon,
Yes I agree with you that’s why I stated: “ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused” – this is an awareness exercise above all else.
Best,
Maria
Hi Archon – It would be amazing if people who abuse WOULD READ articles on abusing people….but if you look at the signs of an abusing person they generally don’t think they are doing anything wrong.
My sister abuses mentally and emotionally and when her girls were little physically. She never takes responsibility for anything hateful she says or does..it is always the other persons fault. She will yell and scream if you try to calmly discuss something hurtful she said or has done. There may be an abuser out there who may actually take responsibility for what they are handing out and they may want to change. And that goes to the hurt little child inside them that needs to be healed. But getting them to a therapist is another story since they don’t think anything is wrong with them.
The reason there are so many articles for people being abused is because we need to learn how to get away from the abuser…for good. And it isn’t easy..especially if they are family. It WOULD BE GREAT! if abusers admitted they had a problem and would seek help….then we wouldn’t NEED so many articles for the abused of the abuser.
And Maria – Thank you for the article. I have been in counseling for a year trying to figure out a way to keep the relationship with my sister. I so appreciate being able to read your article. It has made things crystal clear. I am walking away; I am going to be free; I am going to live a normal life with friends and laughter and without her constant judgement, critical comments. I will be free of fear (of making her mad), of feeling devalued, no more walking on eggs shells all of the time. The ups and downs…the way she consistently makes me feel aren’t worth it…even if she is my sister.
Thank you so much….
Enjoyed reading this post .My first marriage was emotional domestic abuse .Took me about ten years to get over and rebuild my self esteem.Remember reading a leaflet in Body shop about DV and it was only then I recognised .That had been me .Its a slow drip ,drip ,drip effect ,but I am OK now.
I found this article very helpful. I am, unfortunately, stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship after twelve years (even HIS family tells me I need to get out). I have not been employed outside of the home for over ten years and have five children. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of reading many article similar to this one to come to terms with the fact that I am a victim.
Interesting article. I just wanted to add I’ve encountered 3 men in 4 years who act out with demeaning, critical comments which usually come out shortly after the abuser has your attention or thinks they have hooked you. You feel a sense of, what? Gradually they depersonalize you as well as demean one, to puff up their grandiose egos. When that happens, just STOP. You cannot reason with them; usually they are sociopaths with narcissistic behavior, or suffer from DID, yes from childhood emotional wounds. They will not admit their disorder, they cannot be helped. Protect yourself with boundaries always when meeting a new person, and just run at the firt sign of a put down, because as much as you my feel you love them, they cannot love either.
I’m currently in an emotionally abusive relationships and it’s so sicking and convoluted. I didn’t know what this emotional abuse was until I read this. He’s always asking doubtful questions and when I tell him no its always a response that involves a sarcastic or condescending response. When I give him the same response back he flips it and tells me how bad of a person I am and how much he loves me and how he doesn’t understand why I treat him so badly. He shares private matters with his family,he never seems to have any remorse for his behavior. I encourage him and he tells me I’m trying to control him. It’s too much,I feel so drained emotionally and spiritually. Even sex is an act of emotional control,if he doesn’t want to do he participates with no emotion behind it. It’s such a crazy experience,I just want off this ride,I’m tired.
OMG! This person sounds just like my ex-daughter in-law. except for the sex part, which I don’t want to know..The flipping statement is classic.
Hi there,
I have been married for last 11 years. I have a physical disability in my one leg so I limp when I walk. I met my wife through a common friend while I was doing my medical training. She lived with me for 6 months before we got married. Our parents were not happy with it. Her parents were even trying to stop our wedding but because of her wished they accepted me. There were some confusion and lack of communication among both parties during the wedding. My wife started fighting soon after about the “poor” behaviour of my family with her during the wedding. She kept complaining about my family and had become so bitter that it started affecting our daily life. Our physical intimacy also suffered but we had good sex life. we had a child, I thought she would be busy with the care of her. But nothing helped. we are financially secured but she just looks down upon me. She has developed emotional intimacy with one man overseas and talks to him about everything personal. I never know about those things. She talks to him in my absence on phone or skype. I came to know about it and confronted her. She just said that I was worried just because he is a man.
Our intimacy has died down. She makes our kids sleep with her so that I can’t come close to her. Now she said that physically disabled people have low self esteem to cover up for actions. I am reasonably successful in my career and never suffered from low self esteem. Sometimes I think she is right that I am only concerned because that intimate person is a man. I need help and some guidance.
Wow, a lot of these (not all, though) apply to my father and the way he treats me. I don’t think he is even aware that he IS being abusive. I always seem to be the butt of his jokes, he constantly calls me a b!tch (even though I’ve asked him SEVERAL times to stop) and he rarely apologies when he upsets me with the things he says. If I cry he tells me I’m being too sensitive and I need to toughen up. If I tell him to stop imsulting me, he simply says that I insult HIM all the time too (which is, honestly, completely false). My mother tries to stop it and tells my father when she thinks he’s being unkind, but it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. In fact, he often insults her, too, but then says he was ‘only joking’.
I didn’t think I was being abused before reading this article, or maybe I did in the very back of my mind but I wasn’t willing to call myself a victim of abuse, but now I realise I am. I recently got my first job (I’m 16) and people have noticed that I seem much happier. I don’t have it in my heart to tell them it’s because I don’t see my father as often. I love my dad (he IS my father, after all) but I often don’t like him. I honestly don’t know what to do. He doesn’t seem to even realise what he’s doing. He seems to think that because he’s not hitting me or molesting me, I’m not being abused. I admit I used to think that myself. My self esteem is non-existant.
my sons ex-wife is a emotional abuser and i cannot get him to walk away from this woman. she uses him for whatever reason and he just keeps going back into it. she used tactics to rope him back in and put a such a guilt trip on him that he sinks into depression. she has issues with females including his pre-k daughter. she has convinced him to turn his back on his own family a few times to prove to her he loved her. sick! i am at a loss as mother and i can only hope time will help, but at the same time his quality of life and his time is still being manipulated by her, this is hard to watch. he has this hope that one day they may be back together and yet she has removed him from everything on paper, but still gets him to make car payments then turns around and beats him up and blames him (and other people) for all her problems. oh, i can go on and on, but i will stop. any enlightenment would be SO appreciated!
Thankk you so much for ur article. It verified what beads thunked was true. Now we know we aint so crazy after all. We r beign verbally and emotionally abused. And we R rite in trying to get out of this situation and get into uor own apt., no matter WHAT he says. And if he does not like what is beign said about him then that’s his problem cuz it the truth. Mbe he need to taek a logn look in the mirror!
mary sue & all oof us beadies
I feel for all of the people writing these comments. It is clear that domestic abuse, whether it is emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. is such a significant concern in our world. At the same time, I truly object to any discussion that simplifies the causes – “It’s the fault of men being too patriarchal”, “It is because I drink”, “I learned it from my family” . The truth is abuse takes different forms and has many interwoven causes. Women have historically not been protected from men. Men are the abusers that are mostly in the spotlight…for many reasons. But this is just one part of a much larger, complex issue. I am a social worker who works with trauma. I have been assaulted several times in the course of my work. I also worked as a group leader for men arrested for domestic violence. I am also a survivor of significant emotional and physical abuse from my first wife (including punching me in the face because I went in the house to get a sweater). Looking back, I too have been controlling in relationships at time. And the complex story goes on. There is no one cause for abuse. It is a mixture of beliefs about gender roles, early childhood learning, poor coping, low frustration tolerance, not seeing others as true human beings, poor communication abilities, lack of care for self and others…mixed with influence (not cause) of addiction and mental illness. How do we not be abusive? Take care of ourselves. Heal our past traumas. Seek help. Recognize the humanity of all of us. Do not abuse the power given to us as parents. Seek community vs. isolation. Trauma and abuse is handed down generation to generation until we recognize our role in it and make changes. Feminizing men, denying peoples’ voices, and simplifying the issue only serve as a smoke screen to avoid the real issues behind abuse.
This really helped. I recognised 24 of these traits in my boyfriend of 7 months. Some of them were there very early on in the relationship but they were so balanced with the good times that I just overlooked them. As time has gone on they have got worse and worse. He has put down everything from my personality, my clothes, my car, my house to the way I bring up my child. His temper also flares for no reason and he causes arguments about nothing. I have found myself trying to keep the peace all the time and trying to make things perfect so that he will not have cause to complain.
I am an attractive woman with a good job, a lovely daughter and a nice home. These were some of the things that attracted him but he now goes out of his way to put them down. We recently entered into a financial commitment together, he pushed for it ( which is what has happened in the relationship all along) and I know it is because of his insecurities that he wanted to. However since the commitment he has become worse and now says that I cage him too. I have never stopped him or complained about him doing anything! He is also with holding affection from me as he says I am unattractive to him ( due to the times I have stuck up for myself). He is nasty for no reason and when I have asked him does he want to continue with the relationship he tells me ‘I am here aren’t I?’. I feel I cannot spend my own money without his permission or advise, he has me nervous and walking on eggshells all the time and I am sure this is not the example I want to set my ten year old daughter.
Recently he told me ( in front of my daughter & unprovoked) that I had a face like a slapped a**se.
So this week I ended it with a text. It took all the self esteem I had and I am worried about how he will be when I ask him for the £5k he owes me. I also keep remembering the good times… But this is not a relationship is it? The article helps my resolve. I miss the nice side of him terribly but know I need to value myself and my daughter more.
Baylie, you’ve done the right thing!
Don’t become trapped like I am 15 years on. You have a job, a home and a lovely daughter. Stand by your convictions, keep your indipendence don’t give that up for anyone!
Wishing you all the best, XX
I am glad that I found this website so I might offer 36 years experience of a verbally abused woman. In exhange, I know I will be renewed in spirit by each of you.
All abuse is emotional abuse.
It can be very unintentional and subtle or the more obvious anger evoked.
It is more wide spread than even imagined.
Hello.
I don’t know whether i’m right or wrong.But when i’m around 2 or 3 of my friends make fun of me,among themselves and once even in front of a person i didn’t know.Sometimes they make points about my life facts.But do they have the right to make fun of that?Most of the time its about my personality,physical appearence,how much i eat etc.Tell me whoz wrong.Am i being too sensitive?
sounds like they are not real friends if they do it behind your back. if they do it infront of you they are teasing. Tell them if it bothers you confront them. Or make fun of something goofy about them. Be confident god made you the way you are!
They do in front of me.And they can tell by seeing my face that i don’t like it but they won’t stop.What should i do?
I live in a triplex with 3 units. I live in the back and my sister lives in the front She and I are both in our middle 70′s. In order to continue living here I must have financial support in the way of an equity line of credit. My sister refuses to cooperate with this so I am faced with selling my home. She is also uncooperative in this. The other party owner is willing to sell but the sister is not. I have gone thru this abuse for many years and can no longer take it. I need this support since I live in the oldest house, etc. The plumber just said I need $3000 in work and the house is termite infested. I live on SSA and a small pension and can not do any of this without financial help which my sister is withholding from me. Is there any alternative for me other that having the property sold by Partition?
I was raised in an emotionally, physically and lord knows what else abusive house hold. I was sexually abused as a child but was able to stop it when I was able to conceptualize that it was a voilation of my rights and was wrong. (it was another child several years older who obeyed my wishes) however it took me a long time to see my own part in emotional abuse. I am working now 30 years later on my anger and abuse problems. I am a very abusive person myself and it has left me angry, depressed, anxious and alone. I want nothing more than to be loved and to give love. I don’t want to be abusive but I don’t know how to be any other way. I’m working really hard to change and it’s devistating to admit this but it takes a long time to unlearn years of learning.
I’m gettin a bit concerned that i may b in a emotional abuse situation myself, i don’t know where 2 start,,,, my bf always wants a run down on wot money i hav spent, he will moan n say u hav wasted money we r guns b skint i anit happy with u but 2minzlater he will send me out 2 buy weed 4 him???? He told me 2day that I’m borin and his ex woz more fun thn me, i cry & he goes even maddder, he tell me constantly i am mentally crazy & a bad mum, he even cheated on me thn blamed me coz i was’nt sleepin with him?? I’m not lookin 4 sympathy or for people 2 think aw bless her, i just want sum info and sum1 to giv me sum advice, maybe i amcrazy i really do not know that’s why i’mgettin in contact with this page so i can getsum advice outside the realationship, plz help me
Spot on!!! This must be an epidemic. I am reading “Is it you, me or adult ADD” which also deals with the chemical side of emotional abuse!! If you love your spouse and want to get help, read this book and find a Dr. or counselor to meet with. Awareness for the abuser, is the first step!
If you are always abused you make a lot of mistakes. I tell gals i flirt with dat i will see dem when m bored. Ivv always known dat dis is wrong but i cant avvoid it. Im always told m not a gud and m always under pressure.
I have only recently come to terms with being the recipient of emotional abuse, now that I have children of my own and am realizing that I have had issues similar to those that my mother had with me.
I grew up in a large house with at least four other people at any given point in my life, and almost all of them said or did pretty much everything on this list to me. I spent eighteen years of my life under my family’s thumb, apparently being emotionally abused and led to believe that I am a worthless person with no right to an opinion that might be different from their own. I was called rebellious and a bad child if I formed my own ideas or made friends with someone who didn’t believe as my family did. I was suddenly “not the girl I raised” according to my great grandmother, because I had a boyfriend who happened to have had a girlfriend before we dated. Heaven forbid that he know other people before he knew me. According to my family, and in turn according to me, I am a complete failure in life because I decided against college and instead had a family with the aforementioned young man who is now my husband.
I am only 23 years old, but for nearly four fifths of my life, I was pummeled with contradictions and ideas that I should hate myself because I’m not good enough for anything, that only perfection was acceptable and anything less was worthless.
And yet, even though I know that this happened, and that it has ruined my hopes of ever being “normal”, I can’t help but try to think that I’m still being stupid, that I’m just trying to make my life out to be worse than it is because I want attention, and that I’m stupid for considering it “abuse”…