Sometimes living with someone who has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can present its own challenges.
“Although there are positive aspects to being in a relationship with someone with ADHD, there are also issues that can pose as problems,” said Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
For instance, managing a household can become a source of tension for both partners. “The stereotypical pattern is that the non-ADHD partner winds up taking on more and more of the workload, while the ADHD partner feels increasingly criticized and like they can’t do anything right,” according to Ari Tuckman, Psy.D, a psychologist and author of More Attention, Less Deficit: Successful Strategies for Adults with ADHD and Understand Your ADHD, Get More Done.
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This is a good article for living with an “out of control” ADHD partner, for lack of a better term. You definitely highlighted a major point which is LEARNING about ADHD, and about not attacking the ADHD partner.
It’s very misleading though…not all of us ADHDers need or want (s)mothering guidance from our partners. I will give examples.
1. Learn how your ADHD partner communicates. When I ask “What did you mean by…?” It does NOT mean I am accusing you of anything. It means “What did you mean by…?” Many of us don’t speak in code the way others seem to do. We really DON’T know what the look on your face meant (if anything) or why you are asking about something.
2. Avoid attacking your partner’s ability to FUNCTION. I am fixing to be 42 years old. After 42 years of living with myself in my own head, I think I am aware of my condition, how I feel, and what I need in my surroundings to stay relatively calm and productive. When I say I need a neat house, don’t throw trash in the sink. I’ve been through this before with sloppy partners. I can clean house and tidy up, but once it gets out of control and there is too much visual clutter, it is too overwhelming for me to fix. Answer? Don’t make me be your mommy. Clean up your messes.
3. No, do NOT remind your partner of their traits and how they can be problematic. I have ADHD, I am not clueless, I am more aware of my negative traits than most people are of their own. From day one I have listened to what is wrong with me. It is a huge mistake to assume ADHDers need a partner who will lead them around like a small toddler in the mall and keep them from getting into trouble. Instead of making everything about how and where I can’t hold conversation as an ADHDer, how about “Great idea, but can we go someplace quieter? I’m in the mood for more conversation and less noise!” Chances are I’ll be the one to say it myself.
4. Take the time to look at whether your “guidance” as a partner is even NEEDED, much less WANTED. Most ADHD adults are mistakenly thought to have outgrown their condition. The truth is, they still have it all right, but they have managed to find treatments that help tame it down and very likely have figured out some workarounds that help them function in a non-ADHD-friendly world. While ADHD can be a disability in more extreme cases, it is not a disability by default once out of the nightmares of childhood. Why is it though, that other impairments and challenges are met with rallying support to not think of themselves as disabled, to do the best they can with what they have, to not see the disability but the person, and how much they can achieve? Yet this article assumes every ADHD person can’t get anything done in a day, is irresponsible, and really advocates partners of ADHDers to be part-time nursemaids to their mates?
I do thank you for your most important point to remember that you and your ADHD partner are on the same team. But you forget sometimes your ADHD partner can actually be the better leader, can be the NOT lazy person, can be the person who DOES stay on top of things. My house is cleaner than all my non-ADHD friends’ houses.
So neener-neener.