Both men and women cheat — regardless of race, age or stature, according to Terri Orbuch, author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. In fact, about 32 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women report being unfaithful, she said.
But when powerful men — most recently CIA Director General David Petraeus — admit to infidelity, we’re often taken aback. (Or maybe some of us aren’t that shocked, after all.)
Petraeus joins a long line of philanderers in prominent positions: Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton and John Edwards, just to name a few.
But regardless of whether you’re surprised to hear these men strayed, the question is the same: Why?
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Not only does Patreaus join a long line of recent philanders as noted, historically he joins a long line of powerful men who have done the same. I realize that the research proves that powerful women cheat, but it seems to me that it has definitely been acceptable for powerful men to do so throughout time. Not only enabled by those who surround them and buffer them, but enabled by a society that accepts or at minimum is not shocked by this behavior. I really have come to believe that society accepts this behavior as part of the “package” that goes with being a powerful man. I don’t think society is so shocked by Patraeus affair. It is the media that makes it seem so. There is definitely a double standard for women and I believe society is shocked when a powerful woman has an affair. The woman most often loses credibility but not so the man. “Par for the course” I have heard people say about Patreaus. Yet his biographer written off as a social/career climber. A man has a mistress, what does a woman have? She has a lover or she has an affair, but nothing equal to the word mistress. Powerful men have had mistress’ throughout history, survive it and claim their place in history books. How many women do so?
As a woman who has cheated throughout my lifetime in relationships and marriages, I agree with the author that cheating can be due to a need for change but I also know, from experience, some of us just need or crave that adrenalin rush as also the author noted.
I am a highly successful woman, attractive, married but live separate from my husband. I love and have my own life and see him when necessary to keep things smooth. I have had “gentlemen friends”, “lovers”, “boyfriends” and most recently a relationship which has lasted over 4 years – difficult and dreamy. I cannot judge anyone’s behavior, I am adult and it is not my place to pass judgement on another’s relationship or lack there of. I have not ever put the ‘affairs’ in the face of my husband and will not either – hurt is a bad four letter word.
Your comments show that you are a very level headed down to earth person who is in touch with the real world and can see things more clearly than many who tread this earth be it man or woman. Great input and really to me spot on.
It’s less complicated, I daresay. People cheat because they have high motivations for sex and low motivations for honor.
Dr. Steven Reiss is a strong proponent of this paradigm. I think he would say, put it to the test in this way as he writes at a different website…
“Group A might consist of 100 people with poor self-concept (feelings of being unloved) and average sex drive. Group B might consist of 100 people with average self-concept and above-average sex drive. I believe that even the dullest of psychologists executing such a study will find that Group B is more promiscuous than Group A. In other words, I believe that sex drive predicts promiscuous behavior better than does self-concept.”
Substitute any psychological factor for “self-concept” and it still holds.
Case closed.
Why does our culture continue to tout monogamy as the norm? We’ve been “failing” at the social construct of monogamy at a consistently high rate for all of recorded history. Isn’t this like proclaiming that a severely restricted diet is the ultimate way to nourish our bodies and then when we “cheat” or quit the diet, we’ve failed? But is it a true failure when we fail to meet an almost unattainable goal? What if instead we redefined this social construct to meet our very human needs? Think of all the hurt we could avoid…
thank you, I so agree.
I see things very differently. If you study human nature you’ll see that basically it is selfish, materialist, dishonest and violent. Without many institutions and laws, mankind is not a positive entity.
That’s why history has shown that religion is the single institution that can make mankind more honorable, compassionate and loyal in relationships and why a monogamous marriage gives the best results for both partners.
When there is total trust, love can reach its greatest emotion, and infidelity destroys that and causes unending problems for families and society.
Sex is a wonderful drive, but when it’s used dishonestly, it’s a suicide-type behavior.
Why do people cheat? They are weak. Strong, intellegent person will not cheat. Even top brass Petraeus cheated because of weakness.
I 20yrs ago walked away form a man l fell in love with because he was considering leaving his marriage we have periodically thru the years been in touch and he as well as i have never forgotten how we felt about each other but he has respected my decision and stayed till his children are adults and away from home. I am now back in touch and he wishes to reunite .he is now however in a very powerful position career wise,I want to very much see him,and rekindle our love i am not affraid,i am however wondering what will happen if our relationship becomes public…Do you perheps have anything I should take into consideration as i am not seeing clearly right now,bt for my rose colored vision…