A few years ago one of my favorite bloggers and authors Therese Borchard penned this powerful post about the people in her life who just couldn’t grasp the pain of her depression.
She recounts the story of sending an article about her severe depression and suicidal thoughts to a family member who said “Thanks.” She shares another story of a good friend who implied she should stop taking medication that supposedly blunted her emotions — and “tough it out like the rest of humanity.”
Borchard also writes:
…I was both enraged and saddened that friends and family were shocked to hear that two doctors sliced me open — before full anesthesia kicked in — to save little David’s life in an emergency C-section. Yet when I voiced the desperation of depression — which made the knife cut feel like a knee scratch–they often brushed it off, as if I were whining to win some undeserved sympathy votes.
When we misunderstand mental illness — and its gravity — we do damage. Rather than give individuals our understanding, compassion and support when they need it most, we intensify their struggle.
But educating ourselves can help. Below, therapists share several common myths and misunderstandings about mental illness.
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liked this post. a have been suffering from severe depression for years now. And I must say that it is very painful when family and close friends don’t understand. the sense of isolation is crippling sometimes.
Just as difficult is when people assume you “act out” and even tell people to avoid closeness with you. As if you consciously choose isolation and that’s how you are as a person. And when you actually do progress in recovery the only encouragement is from fellow human beings not in what I call the mainstream.
After 30 years experience it still amazes me that you can be written off as ” mentally I’ll”. What they miss is that we are probably the most knowledgeable about the illness. If more researchers asked they would learn more than just looking at brain scans.
Actually, lowering your expectations is a really helpful thing to do.
Some people will be sympathetic, some will be of practical help, some will shock you with their insensitivity, and some will leave your life forever.
Expecting or even hoping otherwise only adds to your suffering. Acceptance includes not only accepting your own reality as it is right now, but also other people’s.
When I got ill I lost friends, but the sooner I realized that they couldn’t cope with me and let them go, the better it was for me. New people came into my life who accept me as I am, and some special people stayed with me for the whole journey. I didn’t expect that, and it’s all the sweeter for it!
The loss of friends is very difficult as one of the reasons I have/had few friends is a result of things that happened in my life that have made me lack trust, have difficulty talking, etc. I used to be told I was a good listener, back when I talked to friends, but when I needed a listener, no one is there. In particular, no one is capable of hearing of some of the bad things, that have helped to bring me to a bad place.
Excellent article. People often don’t understand mental illness partly because we use language like ‘depressed’ to mean ‘unhappy’. People can be happy but suffer from depression – they may have warm loving families and fulfilling jobs but there’s a blue soundtrack playing in the background constantly. Similarly ‘anxious’ can be a temporary state of mind but people with ‘anxiety’ can find it hard to keep the whole show on the road. A good hypnotherapist or CBT practitioner can help set sufferers on the road to recovery. The hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk contains practitioners in the UK who are properly trained and qualified.
I’ve been suffering from several forms of mental illness for many years and have heard it all, from ‘get over it’, ‘no one likes a winner’, to – my personal favorite – ‘it’s all in your head.’ I don’t usually expect people to understand because they rarely do. The most common in my life is that I’m always being told just to ‘calm down’ as if this is something I can do by taking a deep breath and deciding I no longer have a sever anxiety disorder.
What really struck me about this article though is the change in terminology being suggested. I’m used to thinking of myself as someone who IS bi-polar and who IS struggling with sever anxiety. On the other hand, my father is refereed to as someone WITH chronic high blood pressure and WITH heat disease. He HAS these things, but IS NOT them. While I AM my mental illnesses, even in my own mind because that’s always how the professionals I’ve dealt with have talked about it.
It’s one of the many ways in which mental illnesses are treated differently than other conditions. It’s something I think everyone needs to think about – ARE you a condition you have or are you a PERSON WITH that condition. It’s a major difference for the sufferer, the medical professionals, and the family and friends of the sufferer.
This is a good article. One of he reason why it is so difficult to understand mood disorders, such as depression, is because the illness is difficult to explain. The success rate for treatment is low (http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/2011/research-evidence-for-hypoglycemia/#SSRIs). It is often seen as a “permanent illness”, as if there is no proper treatment for it. I believe this is because the nutritional aspects of depression is overlooked or tend to be denigrated. The psycho-social aspects of depression is important, but I believe the nutritional aspect is equally important and should not be overlooked. There are credible studies to show that most people with depression suffer from hypoglycemia (http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/2011/references-for-mood-disorders-and-nutrition/), a disease not generally recognized or understood by professional health workers. Of course, there are many other silent diseases apart from hypoglycemia that account for “mental illness”.
Many people with depression will benefit adopting the hypoglycemic diet. See:
Depression is a Nutritional Disorder
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/2011/depression-a-nutritional-disorder/
I find your posts to be on target, and Ms Borchard to be a big help in understanding myself and others.
It is very very hard to open yourself up and get shot down for it, but I do think that is is another common experience for anyone with any sort of medical condition hard for others to comprehend. And sometimes they do not “get” that you are hoping for understanding, NOT sympathy. I just read an article about the search for narrative, for a story to explain life’s events.
I had a simple experience this past week, when I told someone about some past experiences that i suspect set me up for depression (combined with the right – maybe wrong? – genes, etc) It was in the context of trying to understanding another person’s combined addictions and demons. She is a tough it out sort of person, not out of antipathy or cruelty, but because this particular condition is just not in her experience. She like me is also a “problem solver” – we tend to get frustrated when we can’t come up with a solution.
A side question – good grief, how can something that is so “normal” -as in common among humanity – be a mental illness? I’m beginning – again – to see this and say, ADD, as a personality attribute more than an abnormality. It’s not like I ever lost my connection to reality – sometimes I think the problem was that the connection was far too strong! Take that, Pollyannas of the world! But of course there is the loss of vitality which creates a different, and wretched, kind of removal.
Anyway, back to the issue. Society – people in general – are more aware than ever. But not all, and the common use of the phrase “I’m depressed” when people mean “I’m sad” confuses the picture for many.(and open another can of worms – what is wrong with admitting sadness in our society? Lots of angry people have no compunction about broadcasting their rage; few ever admit to the sadness that underlies that emotion).
It is important to realize, too, that a disorder such as ADD or Borderline Personality Disorder, or OCD, are just that disorders. They are not mental illness. Mental illness usually involves psychosis and can be seen in people with schizophrenia, clinical depression, or bi-polar.
Mohamjip, clinical depression is not psychosis
I have a bone disorder that could be called osteoporosis except that it start several years prior to menopause. I have spontaneous fractures that have included metatarsals, ankle bones, my hip, femurs, and other bones. Sixty-two in all.
Just prior to the condition manifesting itself, I was diagnosed with severe depression. During the course of therapy sessions, the bones began to break.
I remember telling the psychiatrist (a person could actually see an MD at that time) that the mental pain of depression was more severe than any physical pain. She asked if she could quote me. Of course I said yes.
I still feel that way too.
the myth that people have physical illnesses and are mental health issues is oversimplified – the i am vrs i have of illness covers many physical issues: epilepsy, diabetes, asthma, continence issues etc. Anytime your disability or illness becomes part of your identity it becomes harder to actively seek or even get the right help, the question for me is who has the power in this – is the individual self identifying through choice or is that choice taken away from them. And taking away choice can be subtle and make the person feel it was their idea all along.
The one I run into is people seeing being on medication as a weakness – as though a strong person would be able to get through without it. We don’t see people who inject insulin as weak, or people who take high blood pressure medication.