This guest article from YourTango was written by Stacy York.
I met Jay when he was four years old. He came into my office because he said, “She’s a bitch and I would like to fuck her” to a preschool girl.
He was four.
I truly believe that he had no idea what he was saying and what the actual words meant. However, he had been exposed to these words and had even witnessed many things that he never should have. Jay had been recently removed from his parents custody and sent to live with his grandfather.
Why am I telling you this? Your kids are going to school with other Jays now. He’s the little boy with behavioral problems. He’s the grade-school kiddo who french kisses girls on the bus. He’s the sexually promiscuous teenager.
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Site last updated: 19 Jun 2013
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In our sex-saturated society this conversation, and the conversations that follow, are critical to navigating our culture.
Hi Scott,
I agree! We have to be having these conversations with our children so we can guide them in a healthy direction. Wishing you the best!
Stacy
There are some books out there that can help, too. I think they help the parent with their uneasiness more than the child sometimes – which is fine. Just make sure you read the book by yourself first to assess your own reactions and consider what you want to add. And don’t insist on handling a subject your child signals s/he isn’t ready for – everything should be at the right level.
For boys and girls nearing or in puberty – books that allow them to seek their own answers are a good resource.
There was a very graphic clear book I got for my stepsons years ago – it had little expressions from the child in the text like – ” I can’t look” or ” No -don’t turn that page!” which nicely reflected and vented the discomfort…. of course my guys – before their father was going to use it to talk to them – HID the book to avoid the discussion (but no doubt they looked at on their own. And they made a great giggling to-do about their response to the very thought) So much for a plan!
But values and respect have to be reinforced – explained and, mostly, MODELED, by the parent and other adults.
And there needs to be emphasis on what is “right” and how they can identify what’s okay or not for themselves (as in Good Touch, Bad Touch Trainings), as well as guidance in what to tell adults (and which adults) about scary or unpleasant experiences that they are bound to have – whether with children their own age, older ones or adults. Prepared children might be upset but feel secure that they can do something to protect themselves and get support; unprepared children might be exploited.
You can’t control the world, you can help you children to be stronger, loved and resilient.