After something stressful has occurred it would be nice if we could leave it behind and move on with our lives. Sometimes we can. For example, you might narrowly miss getting sideswiped by another car, feel stressed in the moment, and then shake it off and move on with your day.
But often after we’ve encountered a stressful event, say, an argument with a spouse or an important presentation at work, we continue to ruminate (have repetitive, often negative, thoughts). These thoughts are not about active problem-solving; they are repeatedly chewing on and worrying over past events.
Why is it that sometimes we can let go of the things that stress us out and at other times, even after the event has passed and we know can’t change it or our response, we continue to be stuck thinking about it?
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Shame also appears to be linked to rumination and negative thoughts. Shame occurs when we fail to achieve our goals. Unmet goals tend to leave us focused on the goal. Feelings of shame — for example, shame at not achieving what others have, shame at not being good enough — can cause us to overthink things and become stuck in negative thoughts of past failures.
One thing I would like to hear your opinion on is the shame of not being able to get our needs met. I “need” to be validated, but being interupted, misquoted and accused of fabrications constantly makes me feel invalidated. This, in turn, makes me feel ashamed of myself. It seems to be a constant in my life, starting with my youngest memories and continuing in my life as an adult. Any and all meaningful relationships I’ve ever been in are filled with this, so what am I doing wrong?
I am glad I read your comment, I often feel the same, though as I am getting older the feelings are not as intense. I always feel like I am somehow singled out and shamed by stronger willed people, then I ruminate about what I should have done or said. It is not unknown for me to go back in my memories, but I will tell you, you are not doing anything wrong. You are like me,living in a really rough world and sometimes we are jostled around. I have to believe that in the past, we lived such short simple lives we didn’t have time to ruminate, so like a lot of things, it is something caused by our modern world of long lives, good health (which means also good functioning memory abilities). If it helps you, you and this article have made me feel better. Thank you