Your intentions are pure. You want to help.
It might be your friend, your spouse, or one of your parents. It might be a co-worker, your sister, or your child.
If you’ve never had a panic attack, however, it can be difficult to imagine how panic feels. Thus, it can be difficult to comfort someone who is legitimately panicking.
In a way, I can only speak for myself. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a therapist. I’m just another woman with panic disorder, after all.
But thankfully, I’ve established a pretty large support network in my nine or so years of dealing with panic. Friends, family members, and internet acquaintances all seem to agree on one thing: “help” can sometimes hurt.
The quotation marks are intentional. To the non-panicker, “just calm down” might be the first phrase to trip out of your mouth during a friend’s surprise panic attack. We know you mean well — really, we do.
But phrases like that have the potential to fan the fight-or-flight flames. Find out how in today’s video:
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“What caused this one?”
“What’s the big deal just breathe!”
Yes! Great additions, Sue. “Just breathe” is especially problematic for those of us who tend to over-breathe (read: hyperventilate!) when we panic.
Great post and solid advice, but dear god, that woman is fucking annoying.
Hi Phil — I’m glad you at least find my advice helpful. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.
I am sure this is a very well meaning person, but perhaps she would appreciate some feedback. The intense, leaning forward, posed, jerky photography and whiney, high pitched voice are almost aggressive. In fact, my heart rate and sweatiness increased watching this video.
I have worked long and hard on severe anxiety and panic, and have found that if I am as far gone as she is describing, no one could say anything that would help or hurt, period. My body is just consumed with “saving itself”!
This is one disease where you are on your own. Professional therapy, self-awareness and medication for some is the way to go. This is, thank goodness, one of the psychological/physiological ailments that is well described and the treatments are well understood So, if you are a sufferer, get help. You will improve your life dramatically and the life of your family and friends when you succeed!
VJ — thank you for the feedback. I can definitely see how my non-verbals could be aggravating. But, then again, they’re part of who I am. I appreciate your thoughts!
Panic attacks are the product of an as yet unreleased emotional response that keeps trying to escape the body. The sufferer has an unconscious belief the emotional response is itself dangerous and is blocking the response from leaving the body. Any criticism from the self or others simply reinforces the condition. All mammals have what’s called the ‘mammalian disassocation response’ – the freeze response – humans have difficulty accepting this part of their biology. The best advice is to ‘feel your feelings and try to regard them as normal’. In fact, if you can gradually learn to accept and surrender to the full emotional release you can completely cure panic attacks and other forms of anxiety. I suffered for almost 30 years until I learned to surrender to my true biological nature. It may seem strange to hear this but our ‘emotional disorders’ are simply unreleased emotional energy that needs releasing and nothing more. Enjoyed the video!
I both suffer from panic attacks, as well as previously working with people in a stress management therapy practice. I found this video to be very down to earth and applicable to most people who deal with this condition.
HOWEVER there is NO “one size fits all” that will work with every person in every situation. I personally hyperventilate when having an attack, but when told to “breathe” I focus on my breathing to get it regulated, which helps to end the attack. Many I have worked with only get more stressed when told to breathe!
Bottom line, if you deal with these, find a good Cognitive Behavioral Therapist in your area. Someone who also does Biofeedback training is even better. You can learn to minimize the effects of this on your life, but attacking a very helpful video for those who do not understand about panic attacks will not help you in any way.
Sorry folks, I did not find Summer’s video annoying in any way. I don’t know how many of you have ever tried to get your point across in a very short time period on a video, unless you are professional actors, but Summer I give you big kudos. I know how hard it is to do and I found your video very helpful.
I have had people do all the things you described in your video and none of them helped me one bit. They all do exactly what you suggested they do – made me feel worse, just gave me one more thing to feel anxious about, one more thing I knew I couldn’t do.
I think the worst reaction for me is when my family who knows how bad a panic attack is for me, is when I tell them I am having a major panic attack and feel horrible & they ignore it completely and just walk away. If they would at least ask if they could do something to help, I’d feel like they care. At this point, I feel as though they are tired of hearing about my panic attacks and want to pretend that everything is fine. I am on medication and see a therapist. They seem to think because I am doing these two things I “should” be fine. I’m not fine and it would be nice to have my family recognize it.
VERY well-worded, Norell. Thanks for the comment. I’ve also been in that same situation where the people around me try to ignore the attack. It’s very frustrating because it sorts of likens us panickers to children who are having a tantrum — and we both know very well that true panic is NOT a tantrum!
Also, I REALLY appreciate the kind words & kudos.
You’re right — creating videos isn’t easy and it takes a lot of guts (and some sacrifices in self-esteem, at times) to publish them for all to see. I’m so glad you found it helpful!
I liked your video very much and did not find it annoying. I actually thought you were very cute. I look forward to watching more videos from you in the same way presented here. Great work!
I got the feeling that when I would get a panic attack right when work started (well this was before I was diagnosed) my HR person and my particular boss would look at me as if I were making it up. I didn’t know what was happening but it didn’t help that they or anyone else believes me. It took 9 months to find out what was wrong with me, and I lost 20 pounds…
I lost a considerable amount of weight with my work-related panic attacks, too. I hear you — I hate when it feels like the people around you assuming you’re just playing sick. It’s definitely happened to me with migraines before. To the bosses and HR people of the world: invisible illnesses are real!
Excellent video. As someone who has both anaphylaxis and an anxiety disorder, I’ve heard most of those. It actually wasn’t all that long ago that people didn’t believe in allergies either.
“Just calm down” and “you’re overreacting” are the ones that get me the most. Especially when I am having both a serious allergic reaction and a panic attack!
I enjoyed the video, Summer. I came in tonight as panic was rearing it’s ugly face. Just hearing someone candidly share their own experience with panic disorder was quite helpful.
In answer to the question, the worst thing that has ever been said to me in a moment of severe anxiety, actually came from my family doctor. She was aware of the multiple real world stresses that had amped up my panic and said, “This is going to kill you.” Is there anything worse a person could say to someone who is in terror of dropping dead from what they are feeling during a panic.
It stuck to me like blue to sky for months after as I struggled to eliminate as many of the expendable stresses. The stress of chronic pain from an injury, and the isolation that has created
are my primary triggers on this new adventure.
Therapy is helping enormously, as well as some things I’ve tried independently with the therapist approval. Her advise after hearing the doctors comment? “Find a new doctor.”
And, I think your video was great. It is sometimes a simple rearrangment of wording in an offer of assistance that makes all the difference.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me for the longest time, I lived fighting myself and getting angry at my body and how it would act and go against my mind. I would find a way to get far from others until it, whatever it was, would stop. But it got harder to “Hide”. One day while shopping with my two boys and one of the boys girlfriend, I had a massive attack, infront of the cashier, my son…and everyone else! it scared me into a worse attack and it made the manager call 911! they had me “Sit Down” “Calm down” “Just Breath” was all I kept hearing! I kept looking at my sons face and I just kept getting worse! But I remember this kind couple…they had just walked into H.E.B. I saw them past the crowd around me as I sat at this bench, I felt like I was about to passout, they saw me as I watched them, something made them come towards me and they kneeled and she asked if it was ok if she prayed, I knoded in appreciation, everyone else just seemed to fade from my mind, my son was near and I felt him touch me, this calmed me somewhat. I feel that what they did helped so much, just being there, not asking me to “do” anything, just holding my hand and not staring at me. Just caring and being there. The ambulace came and the paramedics took me to the hospital and my son drove with them upfront. My other son and his girlfriend stayed behind and I later learned they had called my husband and he went to pick them up on his way to the hospital. But I never got to thank that kind couple. Thank God for people that just care, give without demanding anything. The angels among us. I wish more were like this, just be there, care and pray. Thank you for your words. This is the day I learned I what was “wrong” with me. I have anxiety and panic attacks, this is my life. I have to deal with it however my body tells me to “deal with it” at that time, sometimes I have to cry, breath, relax…I have got to where I can feel it coming before it hits, sometimes I have no clues. my family have learned to get me a glass of water, they ask to sit or walk or laydown, whatever I need to do, sometimes I ask to be left alone because the eyes just looking dont help me at all. but they check up on me and that makes me feel loved. my co-workers well, some help others just seem annoyed and some just are confused as what to do. I warn them and sometimes I have to leave. If I have a morning that I have several in a row I call in, It’s no use trying to go drive and be infront of people if I can not even talk or breath. They have been understanding, I thank God I am learning to live with this without having to take medication, but I am scared I will get to that point.
I think the video put some words out there that will help me explain to others what I am going through. My opinion is basically ask me “can I do anything?”, “is there something you need (I need one or both of my dogs)? Simple questions that can be answered yes or no (head nodding or shaking cuz I can’t speak). It can sometimes feel like a really bad game of charades. I am trying to act out what I need, or blurting out one or two words. PLEASE do not yell at me, especially that I am scaring you. If you are scared and can form those words, how terrified do you think I am? Do you have any idea the frightening thoughts or images in my head? They are much worse than the display I am giving you! Everyone needs something a little different. I get numb, hyperventilate and pass out – so sitting is good for me.
“Let it go; you’re going to be fine.” Summer, I have watched and enjoyed all of your videos; thank you for being brave enough to share your knowledge and personal experiences.
The worst things I ever heard were “Oh those are just panic attacks – they will go away in time.” This was from my neurologist…! The other one that has haunted my years suffering from panic attacks was, “You are just going to have to get over it.” What – seriously? I would gladly “get over it” in a heart beat!
I have suffered from panic attacks for over twenty years, and have been able to collect tools to help stop them when I feel one creeping in. However, there are still those times when it happens way too fast and I cannot prevent it (or try to), but I am able to come out of one a lot quicker and without others around me even knowing I have had one.
I would also say that those bothered by your video are probably suffering from high anxiety disorders, or are hypersensitive to your movements and tone. They probably need to seek more help or avoid watching you. *smile* Nothing you are doing wrong.
I’ve been suffering from panic disorder since 1962, and agoraphobia since 1972. About the worst thing anyone has ever said to me in the middle of an attack was, “Why are you acting this way?” And this was a NURSE. Someone whom you would think would know better…but oh well.
I’m actually one of those people who doesn’t want anybody to ask how they can help me in the middle of an attack because I am frozen in terror and cannot speak. At all. Do not touch me.
Probably the very best thing is for the person to tell me in a quiet voice, “It’s OK. You’ll be OK” while they remind me to do a breathing exercise (breathe in, hold for ten seconds, let go slowly).
Anyway, thank you for your efforts to make this stuff a little more understandable to people who can never understand it unless they’ve gone through it themselves.
worst thing said to me during an attack..(said in a sarcastic tone by other person) “omg, what’s wrong with you? Stop this crap already”.
I suffer from panic attacks related to Social situations, and it happens pretty much all the time when im around large groups, even family get togethers. but thats because iv never been able to handle large amounts of people where ether, i’ve somehow become the host of a group of people when others go off to do there own thing. the pressure builds up , being left alone in a uncomfortable place and it triggers it off.
i was so mad after i calmed down, the worse of all people to say that sentence most of all was one long time best friend and i just told him to **** off. and it became anger and panic so i ended up in the coner of our small local pub hiding myself out of the way , i just wanted to sleep after that. totaly understand, found this site useful told a few close friends there more in the know how now , its gotten better able to handle small groups now.
I am a therapist and I work with clients that suffer from anxiety disorders. I find your suggestions very helpful….although none of my clients have actually had a panic attack in front of me I may have said some of those unhelpful things if they had. Thank you this was very informative.
My step daughter has panic attacks at first I thought she was just being a teenager…. I was wrong. Summer, I found your video very, very helpfull. Thank you Our next step is to get her proffesional help, it also seems she has a hard time at High School with friends not understanding. Any sugestions…..
“You don’t look well, are you ok?”
Thanks, I was working on getting it under control convincing myself it was really nothing or “all in my head”…..BUT now I am really freaking out….DO I LOOK THAT BAD? Maybe I really am dying?!?!
Summer, your video provided a lot of advice on how to help others and to become more compassionate.
I do need to be careful of the words I use when speaking with others, whether they are having a panic attack or not. But especially in the case of panic attacks, one needs to be more careful in their approach in helping the person.
Thanks for the video and I hope you have more videos on other issues where you can help to provide some advice and insight.
I was in my early twenties, Just newly married and visiting my in-laws.. mind you 30 years ago not a lot was known about panic disorder at this time and there was no Google…lol….I will never forget having a full-blown panic attack in my mother in-laws kitchen,,, You know the usual order, mind racing, sweaty palms,weak legs, believing I surely was going crazy,( my personal favorite ) trembling hands and shoulders so tight I felt like cement….I was trying to focus on making a salad for dinner and then I hear this …..”Oh my dear, I just really wish you could JUST channel all that energy you have” I’m so glad I did not have a knife, as I went crying and running out of the room…..Wow just think if we could do that, Why didn’t I think of that….Oh yeah I was busy just trying to remember to breathe…….
I’ve had panic disorder for 7 years now, since i was 15. I quit caffeine two months ago and haven’t had a single attack since! However, i also haven’t had any triggers. Hopefully quitting caffeine will continue to help!
PI suffer from panic attacks myself. They began after my mom almost died on top of me due to a particularly bad asthma attack. When she got out of the hospital I felt really hyped up and nervous and felt like I could not get a deep breath. My Dr claimed I was doing it for attention from my mother. This was very unhelpful because at the time I didn’t know what was going on with my body and couldn’t stop or even control my symptoms.
Throughout my life my panic symptoms have been numerous. The worst was when I got a rapid heart rate that only trips to the ER and a sedative in an IV could calm. I have even been rushed to the ER while my heart was beating fast and irregularly. Often this comes on from nowhere even if I’m previously relaxed and could take hours to stop. It is also not helpful to have the Dr treating you ask if you plan to hurt yourself or someone else before you leave the ER. If I REALLY wanted to die why would I spend money to get treated in a hospital?
I had a panic attack a few days ago and my soon to be ex told me I had to fight the urge to lie down. Huh?!!
My partner said all of the above, thought that I was lying and that my anxiety wasn’t urgent and consequently left me to deal with it by abandoning me snd shutting themselves away from erveryone this making thing 10 times worse
I felt like I was going to breakdown in those few hours till I managed to find them. Horrible scary experience
Worst I’ve heard: “Get over yourself, you’re being stupid.”
The worst I have heard while I was having a panic attack is : “You’re gonna have to figure out how to calm down by yourself. You can’t rely on other people all the time.” and “you’re not making efforts to get better”.