Lately, I’ve been talking with several of my patients about the types of goals that they’ve been setting and why things haven’t been working out for them. We’ve recognized some consistently counterproductive patterns of belief and behavior.
These individuals were focused solely on avoiding negative outcomes, rather than achieving positive ones.
Paradoxically, not only did they miss out on achieving any positive outcomes — understandable, under the circumstances — but they created almost exactly the negative outcomes that they feared.
Recently, an artist named Lulu admitted to me that she’s had no success with dating and romance. She’s never been married and has, at 42, a history of very unsatisfactory relationships. She shared that her goal has been “to avoid divorce, as opposed to getting married.”
The result is that she’s ended up alone.
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I’ve learned another hindrance in achieving goals is not setting honest goals.
There’s the usual money, accomplishments, and travel goals. However, a lot of people have no idea what they want, to start, so they fabricate a goal that sounds worthy.
It essentially means they’ve been living a life without purpose. Even if that purpose is to know yourself (a worthy goal, indeed), it means you won’t wander aimlessly away from something you don’t want, in which case you could end up anywhere, including right back to the think you tried to avoid in the first place.
Nicely done, Dr. Sirota! Dr. Albert Ellis has discussed this anxiety-driven avoidance of goal-setting in some detail (see A Guide to Rational Living, by Ellis and Harper). As I often remind my friends (and patients), “The perfect is the enemy of the good!”
Best regards,
Ronald Pies MD
Sadly this does not seem to work for me or be relevant for me. Almost none of the approaches to procrastination help for me and some make things worse.
I used to have perfectionistic tendencies but no longer do.
I just feel an instinctive fear when thinking of doing something and freeze up despite all attempts to see where it is coming from. It is hard to explain.
Just wanted to add that I have tried positive goal setting whilst checking for hidden negatives as well as lining up rewards to keep the positive centre stage but all to no avail. Sadly.