Today I have the pleasure of interviewing writer Christina Gombar on the topic of infertility.
Chistina is an an accomplished writer whose commentary on women’s issues appeared in The London Review of Books, The New York Times, Working Woman, Scholastic, and the Providence Journal. She is also the author of “Great Women Writers,” and has been the recipient of a New York Foundation for the Arts Fellow.
Click through to read the full interview.
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Thank you for providing an opportunity for this side of life (lives!) to be heard. As a 44 y.o. woman who has been struggling with infertility for over 10 years, who has used holistic health approaches as well as 7 entire IVF cycles & still no baby & on the cusp of quitting trying, it IS obvious to me that Christina knows what she’s talking about from personal experience & it’s very helpful to hear about this in the media for a change. The thing is, my first thought was to email this article on to a handful of close family & friends to say “look this is what me & my husband are dealing with (+ other issues around it, mostly GRIEF)…it’s like THIS YOU SEE” to help them better understand or at least give us an opportunity to express clearly & succinctly what we’re going through. BUT I probably won’t because in my previous experience people don’t take it on board &/or don’t acknowledge having read info you share with them or even worse respond like you’re the difficult ones, the ones making their life awkward for raising details about living with your childlessness or heaven’s forbid what you might need from them to help you through it! It can be really hard to strike a balance that actually works with those around you & sometimes it feels much safer to just keep it all to yourself, put up with all the baby/mummy-mania crap & deal with the isolation instead! It’s more complex than this but this is a real challenge – most people don’t seem to wnat to know/be involved, even those who love you. Thank you.
We’re very lucky in the UK to have an organisation that supports people who are involuntarily childless More To Life – not a group of people being sad about not having children, but a group of people who get together and don’t judge or assume that it was a choice or that their holidays, careers were more important.
Great article – thanks for sharing.
Tracey
Thank you, thank you! We’ve lost three pregnancies very early. No one is comfortable with grief, and everyone seems to think that adoption is the answer.
I’m not opposed to adoption, but i too, have medical/disability issues that wouldn’t allow me to pass a physical. I wanted my own children, but it was my wish to adopt or foster as well. Neither is possible for us. However, my disability is “invisible” so i have folks wanting an explanation why we don’t “just adopt,” not beginning to realize how complex an issue it is, how difficult it can be, and that there is no “just” about it. Sigh.
I have such a hard time, sometimes, just reading Facebook. So many “If your daughter/son/grandkids are your reason for living” etc. It has gotten to the point i find it so painful, i don’t post even things about my most wonderful hubby, not wanting to hurt those i know who deeply desire what i have but haven’t found it. My thing these days, is if you feel that way about someone, TELL THEM! Don’t brag about it on FB.
I’ve found that it has helped to be honest with myself. When i read those things, i say, “I resent that we do not have that and we will not.” I hope to move to the next stage before long, where it doesn’t effect me one way or the other. But this works better than trying to force myself not to feel or admit reality.
You said “It’s Absolutely O.K. not to do a third world adoption, Foster Care, or a fertility treatment that seems wrong for you on a gut level.”
Why did you say “third world adoption” instead of “adoption”? What is especially “wrong” about those children from third world.
Well, “Foster Care” is Foster Care, there is no way you could nuance that. But what do you feel about having children of different race?
You said “…adults without children are O.K. just as they are.”, but children without parents are not. Why don’t you think outside of your own self interest and do something to those less fortunate? I believe you would be a lot happier. According to your own account, those childless people who were happy were also interested in helping others; I believe that is probably why they were happier than you.