On the first page of the book “Cutting Loose: An Adult’s Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents,” by Howard Halpern (same guy who wrote “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person”) a good friend wrote: “This was a key book for me in therapy. I really learned how to relate to my family and let go of many unhealthy expectations.”

That was before I told her I was disturbed by a family situation that was triggering some of the anxiety I felt in my childhood.

Halpern writes:

We’re adults. We’ve got all the credentials and scars to show for it. … But a grown-up is supposed to possess himself, to be his own person, to make decisions according to his wishes and his best judgment.

Too often we find that this is not the case with us. Frequently we are so limited by habitual ways of acting and thinking, so needful of the approval of others, and so afraid of their disapproval that we don’t own ourselves at all. We are like a corporation that has gone public, and other people own controlling shares. And for many of us in that position, the biggest shareholders are our parents. [...]

The parent-child relationship is a primary source of who we are, and the mutual emotional attachments are derived from countless interactions, conscious and hidden memories, and profound feelings that go back to our days of oneness with them.

Last week in therapy I began to understand that — the parent corporation thing, and how it plays out in your adult years — with an unexpected clarity. I even named my issue.

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