Recently, the Wall Street Journal had an interesting piece by Elizabeth Bernstein on The Divorcé’s Guide to Marriage. It discusses marriage research by Terri Orbuch (I draw on this research myself, in Happier at Home) in which divorced people were asked what they’d learned about relationships from that experience.
No surprise, they emphasize the importance of “affective affirmation,” which is psych speak for making loving gestures such as kissing, hand-holding, giving compliments, and saying “I love you.”
The fact is, people do feel closer to each other when they regularly demonstrate loving feelings.
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I’ve been dating man who doesn’t like holding hands or long slow kissing. Otherwise he’s very affectionate but those things mean a lot to me.
It does seem that often times couples forget that a marriage is always a work in progress, that you don’t just hook someone and then get comfortable. That isn’t a way to keep the romance alive and strengthen and deepen the love you share. The idea that we continue ‘courting’ our mates even after we are exclusive by small gestures and words of affirmation remind us why the good times are SO good!Feeling emotionally supported and appreciated by your spouse allows for a closeness on a level no one else experiences with him/her. Its very rewarding to know you can trust love honor and enjoy your relationship for all is has to offer. We love these ideas!-PsychedinSF
The need for affection, wanting the special people in our lives to make us feel good, and be interested in our thoughts and ideas, wanting to feel valued by the people that matter, these things are all part of the broader concept of interpersonal acceptance, a basic desire to feel loved by the important people in our lives, such as parents, grandparents, friends and intimate partners. Interpersonal acceptance may be viewed as a dimension, with rejection on the other side of acceptance. Rejection incorporates feeling unloved by the people that matter, having them show no interest in the things that matter to you, or not wanting to be around you. Research has consistently shown that perceived interpersonal acceptance is linked to positive psychological outcomes, and perceived interpersonal rejection is linked to negative psychological outcomes. Rejection hurts, and that is why we go to great lengths to avoid it.