7 Comments to
Spouse Most Likely Source of Elder Abuse

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  1. Hello, I just wanted to say you have a very informative site which really made me think, Thanks ! A site with a wealth of info.!…thanks very much! Have a nice Day!!

  2. I worry for my mother, she is the primary caregiver as her husband has 6 different cancers. Now that he is remission, he has gone back to his verbal abuse towards my mom. Her husband has 6 children and everyone has issues in there lives, along with some drinking and drugging, but he feels his children are angels. Me being my mom’s only child, (Never any drug or drinking issues) what he can’t find (Very little) he makes up and they fight, until she stops communication with me. Then we do it secretly. He fights with her over food, the color of the house, TV, her reading, her bible, the garden, I would say friends but he has run them all off. He is 76 and she is 71, they have been together for 30 years. My mom has gotten to the point he doesn’t listen to him, because of the abuse and frankly doesn’t even know he is doing it anymore. If he asks her a question the first thing out of her mouth is what did you say? If he can’t have his own way on “EVERYTHING” then he down grades her and the verbal abuse begins, she refuses to leave, as she feels she worked for all their material things that they have and that he threatens to give it all to his kids, if she leaves. Your story above talks about the caregivers, being the abuser, but in this case it is the SICKO!!! It doesn’t matter what she says to him, he over talks her and tells her to shut-up, no one wants to hear her!! There has got to be some study on SICKO’s like this guy, controlling old Bullies!!

  3. My father is suffering elder abuse and neglect by his Wife! She(his wife our stepmother) has isolated him from us over the years…and he is now 78 years old and recently had a stroke. The family(us kids) were not notified of this stroke for three days…and she has instructed the doctors not to give us any medical information to his condition….and apparently as his wife she can demand this. Well after the stroke…Keiser released him to her and she put him in a retirement living appartment. This place is very nice however it is desighed for elderly people that can do for themselves. They only check on him every two hours..Well a couple of days later my sisters and a friend were there visiting him and he blacked out right in front of them…they called 911 and had him back at kaiser within a few minutes(his wife, my step mother was at work). I went to the hospital the nexxt day to visit..he didny know who I was and could barely speak..making no since at all. Understand…this is a man that just one week earlier bowled a 255 and a 271 in the sr league the night before he had this stroke(and we dont even know that it was a stroke because the doctors have been instrucked not to talk to us). Anyway..we took my dad for a walk down the hallway..the nurse informed me that he was being released THAT DAY..back to the retirement livng complex…I couldnt beleive it..I demanded to speak to his doctor…his doctor informed me that I should talk to my step mother and that she had made all the arrangements…and that according to her…the facility has adequete care.. So they released him that evening. The second day he was their the black out happened again..and thank god someone happened to be visiting him and called 911…he is now back at kaiser…Its been one full day now…I dont know his condition as I live several hours away and cannot drive….so my information comes from my sisters who live close by. We have made a complaint with social services and hopefully after tis last episode..Kaiser will wake up and realize that my step monster does not have his well being in mind…she is very negative around him…(told my niece right in front of my dad that “grampa’s dying”..what the F….. anyway I, as well as my sisters are very conserned and would welcome any suggestions on how to get the control of his well being out of the hands of his obviously disturbed wife and into the hands of his caring family that loves him….

    • Dejr,

      I read your situation and sorry for you and your family. I am writing to you because my father was abused by my mother and hoping you have an answer to your question on this site. I too need help w/getting answers on his rights as she has control. Besides getting POA which still has it’s limits on getting him what he needs since she has a say as joint accounts. I hope someone can assist me or point me in the right direction. I’ve called the local adult services but they are no help. Thanks

    • Dejr

      I knew that my sister in law has been manipulative, but now I msut admit the very real possibility of her abnusing my brother. He only came and saw my mother and I only about two times in about twenty or twenty five years. When he did so, he seemed to be on the phone constantly with her, and had to leave my mother’s death bed early after speaking to his wife. Now I see his signature, but it does not appear to be the one I am familiar with. This sucks! I empathize completely with you !

  4. My dad is gone now. I had him with me for eleven weeks, and I console myself that he was comfortable and peaceful with us. I wish there were ways to intervene with abusive spousal situations, but there’s not. His wife’s dementia was such that she was sly and hid it well. She hasn’t used the toilet or brushed her own hair in five years. When Dad wasn’t able to physically help her anymore she just used him as an excuse not to pay for 24 hr caregivers. He developed Alzheimers but insisted on staying with her because she was his wife. There is much more involved; him getting injured, money, greed, sanitation, everything was a fight, even his often stated wish to be cremated. Her family was no help. We had to wait for her to be hospitalized with a UTI to take him out, and we jumped at it. But we are still fighting them because they want more money. All he had was his income and it wasn’t much; he paid all the bills and gave her money. When the time came she wouldn’t spend it, and because of her dementia she thinks she doesn’t have it. Dad paid for his own cremation and memorial service, she didn’t. But she managed to drink three pictures of beer.

  5. Update – We managed to cut contacts from Dad’s wife. She sent us a “poision pen” letter, written by a care-giver as she can’t write. Threats and accusations, wanting money. We answered all the stupid accusations and advised we would get personal protection orders if she didn’t stop, sent that and a copy of her letter to her relatives and the care-giver company. We were able to block their phone numbers from our phones, won’t accept her mail. YEAH! It’s been two months, good so far.
    My advice – I saw an attorney, already had power of attorney, was ready to go to an elder care attorney when Dad passed. I was considering getting him a divorce so she would have had to give up marital assets, regardless of whose name was on what. I had long ago moved his money, which was just current income, into accounts in just his and my name. I could have placed him in a nursing home and sent her the bill, but it never came to that.
    Don’t be afraid of the POA/divorce thing. I have a cousin who had to do this because her father’s wife was trying to kill him! The police couldn’t prove anything, but civil law is different.



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