Comments on
12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair

By Therese J. Borchard
Associate Editor

Jimmy Carter isn’t the only one with lust in his heart. I receive a handful of e-mails a day from my readers who are either stuck in an emotional affair or have ended one but are still extremely heartsick. How can I let go and …

122 Comments to
12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair

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  1. It wäs very trible for me on 7th march which was my birthday,my lady went to bed with another guy&am deeply hurt.I dnt think i’ll ever love again because i’ve experienced it six times.I cant ever luv again

  2. I’ve only just realised that I’ve somehow got myself into an emotional affair. I love my husband, our child, but this man has reached some part of me that I didn’t know was there – he’s very intelligent and lovely & kind. We’re supposed to be friends, but to me it has suddenly become so much more. I don’t think he has a clue how I feel, and as it is online there’s no danger of a real affair anyway, but that’s irrelevant – the important thing is that I know how I feel and I shouldn’t feel like this. I’m a bad person and stupid to get here in the first place, I have to face it and deal with it.

    I’ve read the advice above and will try to follow it. I feel so bad for the man I’m obsessed with, if I suddenly break off without saying he will be hurt and puzzled. If I tell him why I can’t chat will it be worse for him? He knows I’m married, but doesn’t know how how he makes me feel – it’s not his fault. I’m trying to decide which is best – cut it off without explanation, or explain and apologise? I feel like I need to apologise but don’t want to upset anyone – I’m not telling my husband because I want to protect him from the pain. If anyone has any advice please leave it for me. Thanks to anyone who has read.

    • A fool,
      Myadvice to you is don’t tell this man about your feelings. The reasons you post to justify this revelation sound good and necessary to you, but I’m sure you’re motivated by selfish reasons even if they are subconscious. Think about what you want his reaction to be. Even if you find that your motives are innocent divulging them will only complicate things for him. I don’t think he will be overcome with grief over cutting off contact, if he is blame it on your husbands “silly” jealousy and let it go.

    • A Fool,

      I don’t know about your personality. People are different. Some people are truely determined and they mean what they say. In this case, I think to explain and cut off is better, since this to me seems to be what a real responsible and mature person would do. Especially if you believe in God, you probably can rely on him to get the strength to do the right thing afterwards. However, if you’re too weak and don’t know God, and most of the time have difficulty carrying out what you’ve decided to or keep your promises to yourself (or others), then just run away. It’s childish, but it’s understandable since I do think most of people are like this. Truly mature spirits are not common.

      Or if like what Sgt. Pepper said, deep down you just want to confess, but not to really walk away, then confessing will absolutely lead to a bigger disaster.

    • Forgot something important. If the other person only takes your feeling towards him as an ego boost, or if he has the same feeling towards you and weak in self-control, maybe cutting off completely without saying anything is a better choice…

  3. I found out 2 1/2 years ago that my wife of 47 years had an affair, twenty years into our marriage, (it lasted 18 months) with a man I considered my best friend at the time. After I discovered her affair, I had an emotional affair with a lady 15 years younger. Because of my wifes affair, I allowed myself to really fall for this lady (she’s single). My wife and I are still married, I’m atill counseling and taking depression meds and don’t know from one day to the next if I’m going to stay in the marriage. In light of my wifes affair, I now feel “entitled”. My wife had a class II affair, emotional, sex, the hole nine yards. It’s been devastating and after 2 1/2 years I’mnot sure I’ll ever recover, short of walking out and just starting over.

    • That’s quite a painful experience. By the length of time that has passed, I would say it qualifies as “holding a grudge” to a significant extent. I have considered these alternatives before in my own life and find that they are unlikely to fix the problem.
      Choice 1 – Walk out, start over. Hmmm…in order for that to work, I must be convinced that either being a bachelor is an improvement or that there is someone interested in being committed to a 67+ year-old man. That just looks lonely or foolish to me. More disappointment down either one of those roads.
      Choice 2 – Start over with my wife. I have allowed myself to think about behaving in selfish ways due to the pain. Remember what those wedding vows say? It’s a commitment for better or for worse. The commitment is for life, not conditional on mistakes made by the other person. Revenge is never as satisfying as we think it will be.
      Choice 3 – Stay like you are, die miserable and alone with your wife present. Like having delicious food in front of you and refusing to eat because you are angry. Time will change that to angry AND hungry. That’s futile.

      You have already wasted 2.5 years of your marriage feeling ‘entitled’. How much more are you going to waste?

  4. I have had a situation where my B F is involved with a woman who lived with him for 7 por 8 months.
    They parted ways, and he claimed that it was a platonic, room mate relationship. They NEVER went to a restaurant, NEVER went to a movie etc. 18 months later, his own sibling let the CAT of the BAG, and told me it was a GF/BF relationship. Apparently the sexual relatinship has stopped as he is living with me, however, the emotional relationship is continuing. but to this DAY he staunchly denies having sexual relationship with her. He lies to me about their contacting each other via phone and emails. She calls his cell phone. He is keeping the flame flickering because he returns her calls at least 4 times in my presence when I tell him he had received a phone call from her. So what is going on in my absence. When she found out he was going to move in with me, she became very angry, told him to come and get what things he had stored at her house. Change your mailing address to hers now!
    I said, “She is your “friend” why is so angry about you moving in with me? He responded, “Because she thought we were going to be a couple” I said “What, she lived in your house all of that time, and you didn’t touch her sexually, and she is upset that you aren’t going to move in with her and be a “couple?” Is she nuts or something, if you haven’t had anything physical to do with her, why now would she think you were going to be a couple?” He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset about their relationship. She moved out of his house 2 years and 4 months ago, and just 6 weeks ago i saw her phone number thru the window of his cell phone. I opened his phone and then slammed it shut. I told him that she had called. I called his sibling as she is very good friends with this woman! Sh said it must have been a mistake! She hadn’t mentioned him in ages, she said. She was bewillded that she would call. I used my BF cell phone and she didn’t answer. I left a message and told her that she was causing a lot of problems, sending a sexy B D card to him that i wouldn’t have sent to my husband when he was alive. calling at 6 50 am and waking me up, all kinds of issues indirectly by her. I have told BF he has to get out of my house because I’m not going to play 2nd fiddle and be in a triangler relationship with him. I told him it it is cheating on me. he has arranged to go out with her for a weekend to look for a car. I told him if he did this, after he had promised to help me with a rental house i needed help with, he was going to spend the weekend days with her her, and forget about me needing help. He said that he would help me, then when she told him she was going to look for another car, he said he would go with her. he didn’t ask me if it would be OK, he TOLD me he was going to go with her. I told him “Over my dead body, you do and you can go and live with her.” He changed his mind and came with him. He was angry the whole weekend that he wasn with me instead of her. I think it is cheating to have an emotional relationship with another woman whom you were once intimate with physically.

  5. Hi..I was going through blogs and see if anyone experienced what i did, I found many other people facing the similar situation. I know now what to do, but i need place to empty my heart, so i am writing here.

    So, i am married to my husband since 6 years now and have 4 year girl. I been married at young age and been always in abusive relation with my husband. He is verbaly, mentally and physically abusive. He was not having real job and we were in joint family. His father and me was the only earner in his big family with brother and sisters. I am working after i finished my post graduation. and i am even now not allowed to make friends and meet someone and go out of the house. He is always living in fear that i may talk with someone and leave him. I dont even have a single friend now because of my husband’s abusive nature. Only reason i am with him is my daughter.

    So, that was little background. Few months back he got in to real job in different city. he moved there, i felt little relieved. But his father is also abusive more than him. My husband has very big friend circle. One day his good friend emailed me at work about how am i doing and when my husband is coming back in town. I answered him. Then he and me continued emailing once in a while at work till two months or so. His friend is married by year now. So he was 4 month married at that time. we started talking on emails at work, and he used to come for dinner or lunch when my husband used to come home. I was not allowed to talk with anyone when they come to dinner or lunch..so we never talked during that time. But we used to talk during work hours in office. His friend noticed that i am not happy with my husband and tried to show sympathy. I started to tell him some issues thinking he may talk to my husband and it can be improved. But he never talked to him that we talk during work hours. Then his wife moved with him. And his wife show our emails and asked her husband not to talk with me.

    I was at that time, not so involved so i felt bad when he told me that his wife is doubting that we have emotional affair. He said, we cant talk now on. I said ok, but he messaged me from some other email id and started talking with me. I talked to him too and till two more months or so. We realized that we been in love. But he always hided and he never appered in get to gether or parties my husband and other friends organized. He started coming to meet me at my work. I felt good that he cares for me and all. We started meeting often at my work. He would come for 10 to 15 mins and we sit in his car and talk and again talk on chat and email from work. Then he started hugging and kissing my neck. I liked and never stopped him, as i never got that much love from my husband. but inside i was feeling its wrong. I admitted to his friend that i love him and we continued our relations, to kissing once on lips. after that, i have decided to leave my husband with whom i am still because of my daughter only. So i left house, but my husband became so aggressive and tried to take my daughter away from me because he knows that i wont leave my daughter. So i had to move to his city and quite my job and come back to him. After coming here, i still feel lonely and tortured. But at the same time i feel that i am guilty for having emotional affair which was about to turn into physical one. I stopped talking to his friend now, and we email each other on our secret email id once in a while and exchange news. He is worried that his wife may find out, but continued talking to me after his wife stopped him. I feel now guilty and i directed him back to his life.
    Can someone please throw comments on this post, and tell me your openion.
    Thanks!

  6. These stories are incredible for how they parallel my situation. I just discovered that my wife has been having an emotional affair by email for about one month. I was incredibly angry at her, largely because of how she repeatedly denied anything was happening and has tended to fixate on the lack of sex as a reason to deny that this is an affair. While we haven’t been back to couples counseling since I found out, I am really worried how that will go. She has said she will get the emotional connection I don’t provide through “platonic” relationships like this one but nothing I have seen says my agreeing to that (I.e. Letting her do so and pretending it doesn’t bother me) is the right way to go. She insists she loves me and is committed to our marriage for the long haul. I just don’t know how well she willbe able to resist the temptation of thefantasy this guy represents or how long I will be able to stand life as the spouse whose job, to protect the marriage, is to pretend I trust her and sit on the side while she goes on embracing this affair partner ( and her friends who encourage her in this ) as the alternative to our rocky marriage.

  7. Seekersman, you sound like my husband. It’s sobering to read how you feel. I’ve been in an emotional affair for over six years. After my first love and I split up, we remained friends – very close friends, with occasional benefits. Although there were a few years where we didn’t see one another, I’ve always felt I can tell him absolutely anything, and he is really the only person I trust to know me. Shortly after my husband and I started going out, my friend and I reconnected. When my now-husband had to leave the country, I disconnected from him, and took absolute physical and emotional comfort in my ex. Many times, my husband has asked me to cut off the friendship and completely kick my friend out of our lives. I’ve found it too painful whenever I’ve tried, and always manage to convince my husband that I will not be happy without my friend. I’m currently two days into life without my emotional affair partner, and I have never been more miserable. Especially since the problem that has always caused me to relapse – my husband’s physical absence and emotional distance – has not been fixed, and will not be for quite some time. It’s also impossible to find someone to talk to about it – my husband merely gets angry and say terrible things about how I was only ever a prize for my friend to win; and my friends have gotten tired of hearing about the situation. Sometimes I feel as if I need to know whether my partner acknowledges our relationship as an emotional affair. His committed relationship is healthy for the most part, and I can’t understand why he’s felt the need to be so close with me. I feel as if to know would give me closure and let me begin to let go, even though it hurts so badly to have to. It feels nice to be able to type this all out finally. And among people who understand.

  8. I’m in the same situation and feel the same way….I’ve been crying off amd on secretly about the whole thing. I know I should work on my marriage but it seems we have tried before and the love and emotional connection and attraction in my marriage seems gone forever. I feel my EA pulling away we live 200+ miles apart and he said he doesn’t want me to leave my marriage because of him he wants me to work on it and if it doesn’t work… Then who knows. My EA is much stronger than me he is single. I want to work on my marriage cause it’s the right thing to do, but I have little hope. I’m afraid to stay in a loveless/emotionally void marriage because it’s easy…..I’m also scared to be lonely and never find love again. I have a 9th old too. My EA said he would wait for me for 2yrs or more waiting for me to make my marriage work or not……now it feels like he is changing his tune. I am so hurt and sad over all of this. I can never tell my husband. I wish I would have done things in the right order…..I don’t know what side is up or down. I feel so lonely in my marriage and now with my EA pulling away…..I am even more lonely. Any advice on how to move forward? I am going to see a marriage / family counselor in a few weeks but it feels like years from now….

  9. Reading through everyone’s admit’s to having an affair physically/emotionally is so heart wrenching for me as I have been battling to get over my affair with a married man. We are both married with kids. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s a sin but I can’t seem to let my emotions to stop thinking about him. How he made me feel is amazing! He was the one to give me comfort and made me feel important when he wrote or spoke to me. I miss him so dearly I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel so alone even though I am married with kids….I think I fell for him and he fell for me….when I thought I was ready for him and asked him if he wanted to be with me he said yes. But my husband found my emails and threatened to hurt him if this continued on and I told him I would stop. Same with him. I haven’t spoke to him about this for a few months now but I really want to talk to him…….why do I want to talk to hiM? What keeps me going back and thinking obsessing about him. I shouldn’t be like this…..argh someone please respond.

    • Hi,

      I can feel your pain. I just ended an emotional affair because I couldn’t stand living two lives and decided to tell my husband. He did not react in the way I expected. He asked me to stop all contact and met with my “friend” demanding the same of him. We are trying to work on our marriage but I am so devastated at not being able to speak with my friend. The pain is almost intolerable. Some days I want to run out the door and not look back, but I have two children and need to think of them. It has now been two weeks since I have spoken with my friend and I am trying to stop hating my husband and reconnect with him. It will be a long road and I as well as we are going to therapy. Good luck. Know that there are many of us who understand and are going through the same thing.

      • Hi Purple, it does get easier, i had an emotional affair about two years ago now, i two was in a marriage where i felt lost, and lonely, the guy i met we were friends that turned into an emotional affair, we would talk for hours, texting , we shared passionate kisses, etc, i then told my husband then my whole world fell apart, i could’nt walk through town without people knowing, he left is wife, my husband and i split , we have kids, it was very hard, he moved on and my husband and i are still dealing with it, i still miss him he touched my heart when i needed it, the texts are fewer these days, but i always wonder what might have been, i think we were two losts souls , searching , to be honest love comes and goes, sometimes you have to go through something that makes you who you are today, ……

  10. I am on Day 1 of no contact with my EA. I have been with my husband since high school and we have 3 beautiful children. We have always had a rough relationship and so many times before our marriage and kids, I would try to leave. He is reckless,detached from expressing himself, a liar, and has been unfaithful more than once. Well for some reason I have always felt stuck especially after we had a family. I have been a homemaker for a couple years now and my life was all about my kids and trying to create the illusion of a happy home and good marriage. He treats me poorly and doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices I make for our family and marriage. Well a year ago I came across my first *puppy love* crush from when I was much younger on facebook and well he was married and seemed very happy and I didn’t think much more of him or the past. When we were younger he did have a huge crush on me and told me he was in love with me but then I moved and we never heard from each other until we crossed paths on facebook. Well anyways fast forward now to February of this year, me and my husband seperated due to many conficts. Well I spoke with an old friend of mine who lived in the same down as my first crush and she told me she thinks he is getting a divorce. I don’t know why I felt this sudden urge to catch up with him but I messaged him a “Hey! How’s it going?”…and well let’s just say things got pretty crazy after that…from him confessing he never stopped thinking about me all these years to non-stop texting all-day everyday, deep conversations lasting over 4-5 hours…and just daydreams and fantasies being shared of a perfect love. A “Picture Perfect” love… (TOO PERFECT).. Literally every thought and word spoken was pure lovey dovey, no judgements or harsh words…and I became so attached to him..but he had told me that him and his wife have been seperated 3 times before and he did have relationships between the time of those seperations but he always ended up back with his wife…that’s when I asked him when does he plan to get divorced? Is it even in the process?…and I soon came to realize…we were involved in an EA. I’m sure he’s not leaving her and right now my husband is begging to work things out so I knew it was time to end the relationship. He has been a part of my everyday life for months now. We laughed and always made each other feel so good. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this, already I’m having serious withdrawals. He was like my daily dose of *feel good* and I became addicted to him like a drug…I’m going to miss him alot. God Bless all of you. Forgive yourself and pray to be Forgiven. Life is Beautiful and you will get through the hard times and find the light…

    • Correction: I spoke with an old friend of mine who lived in the same *town*

      “If there is ongoing interaction with someone with whom you have been very honest in sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, this can generate a feeling of closeness that stimulates even more sharing—and more closeness, and on and on. Eventually, this relationship can become extremely close and an emotional attachment develops, causing serious damage to the marriage—whether or not it ever becomes “sexual.”
      Source: DearPeggy.com

  11. After reading all of these I feel compelled to tell my story and feelings.
    I was married to my husband for almost 10 years and I had an affair with a co-worker and it only lasted for about 3 months. Approximately 6 months after that ended my husband and got into a huge argument about his lack of attention towards me and we separated and divorced and during that time he found out about the affair. After 1 month of being divorced we got back together and worked through the issue by ourselves by talking and communicating and things were great in the beginning and for quite some time after. We never re-married but we have been together un-married for nearly 20 years now.
    My husband (that is how I always refer to him) has become (I think) emotionally attached to a friend of ours (she is married and 11 years younger)they speak or chat via text messaging every day and sometimes multiple times a day and its has been happening for almost 3 yrs. She has very little contact with me, I seem to get a text when he doesn’t answer her text. I seem to take the initiative to chat with her but not her with me. Everytime I bring up the subject of her he gets very angry and says that jealously makes me ugly and if I’m going to act that way he will just leave. I am jealous of what they have. They seem to share everything! She tells stories of her day and whatever else that I hear about after the fact (he never says that he spoke with her and shares the conversation). He mows their lawn, fixes things around their house and installs anything new that they purchase – they do pay him for his services. We get together with them every Sunday for dinners and on other occassions as well. They are a fun couple to be around but the side stuff between him and her are killing me. I love my husband very much, I will do anything for him. I can’t get him to talk about her nor us he just thinks I’m being stupid and that she is just a nice girl.
    Any suggestions and/or comments would be very helpful.
    Thanks!

  12. I think what Therese has said here is very compassionate and helpful as regards emotional affairs. It doesn’t help to moralise, because most people are aware that feelings towards someone who is attached (or feelings towards someone other than their partner) are wrong.
    I had an emotional affair with someone who was attached and had two small children. I didn’t flirt, I didn’t say what I felt and I didn’t touch him. As time passed he started to do all three and I still didn’t respond. I felt very deeply about him, we worked together on a project that was one of the most rewarding I’ve ever done.

    At the end though, after I moved away to another job, he would say we’d have to meet up etc, we exchanged emails for a while, then it all stopped and he never got in touch.

    So nothing happened, but two years later I still think about him, not all the time, and I’ve dated other men, but I know there was a powerful attraction.

    I have no doubt that the attraction was part based on our personal issues: he felt alone and that he couldn’t communicate with his partner (he talked about loneliness and how he didn’t feel lonely with me)and I was lonely too (in a different city with no close friends and family around)

    There was an element of fantasy because we didn’t do proper relationship bonding things because obviously he was attached.

    When I first left for my new job, I remember walking along an empty corridor at work and suddenly breaking down in tears because I missed him so much. I reckon 9 times out of 10 the emotional affair is simply an indication that intimacy needs to be re-built in the marriage or partnership. I can only be glad that he didn’t the right thing and steered clear in the end, but it’s clear to me that I was the one who really suffered from it, possibly his partner but I don’t know to what extent it affected his relationship.

    We all have to work hard at making situations as healthy and honest as possible. After a few years working away I returned to my hometown. Here, among friends and family, I feel I’d never take such a situation as seriously. I feel I compromised myself even to think about him in the way I did. I want to be someone who brings positive things to people and situations. I don’t want to be in the dark, and that’s where affairs of any kind lead all involved.

  13. I too had an emotional affair that lasted two years and two months. We met at work and became best friends then one day I realized there was something more between us.I told him he is my soul mate and my work hubby. He let me know he felt the same way. He said I was his wifey and evem if we no longer worked together, he would always be my hubby. I never felt so close to a man…trusting him so completely until I met this man that I still consider my soul mate and the love of my life. I have been depressed. I really don’t care about much in my life and I don’t always feel like waking up in the morning. Every day we are apart, I feel like I’m dying. I have no idea what to do. I miss him so much and I need him. He is the only man I ever felt like marrying and having children with…a future till deth do us part. I don’t blame him for staying in his marriage,but it still hurts. The last time we spoke was 4/28/11. Letting go is one of the most painful things I’ve had to do. How do I let go and move on from the love of my life? My health isn’t good and I wish I could talk to him as he always had a way of making me feel better. The doctor says i’ll need surgery soon and he has no idea how I’m doing. A lot hasn’t been going right in my life and I feel like it’s pointless for be to live because I feel DEAD.

    • To respond I am a married man with a 8 year relationaship and four year marriage and I too had an emotional affair with a Co-worker. Based on all the internet research over the last few weeks it seems that the general opinion is that it is only the woman that get hurt or are left out in the cold. I can only but empathize with you in the pain and longing for this person as I too feel the same for the person I am emotionally attached to. The reason I am not divorced yet is because my wife wont give me the divorce despite me having signed the papers and close family and friends have been constantly reminding how I made a covenant with my wife and God. That this difficult time will pass and that I will find happiness in my marriage again.Their words are wise and yet I cannot stop thinking about her and wanting to make her my life partner. I too like you feel that this is the person I am meant to be with. I can only but encourage you ladies to understand the there are still some men out there who are sincere and yes I understand that if we are so sincere then why would we, I in particular allow this to happen? I wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage

    • islandchika5 – I feel for you…i too am trying to recover from an emotional affair. I met my love 12.5 yrs ago. We did not work together. He taught me a class. We had 12 wonderful years together. We would have lunch everyday together since he worked near me. We did get caught once by his wife but she didn’t want to lose him and I couldn’t leave my husband cause I wanted to make sure my kids were able to go to college. So, they tried to make their marriage work. My guy told me he was just trying to make her happy till i was ready to leave my husband. That was 6 yrs ago. I look back now, and wish I left then. Maybe things would be different now. He is the love of my life. I’ve never felt so much love as from him. He taught me so much about myself. He is perfect for me. He told me I was perfect for him and I was his everything in life that he’s ever wanted. But, he has since retired and has chosen to do the right thing and stay in his marriage. I am so heart broken. I burned all my bridges with my husband so I can make a life with him. He was my goal in life and he said the same for me. I don’t know what changed his mind. He says he is still in love with me and i am still deeply in love with him. I don’t know how to recover from this. It’s only been a month and i cry just about every other hour for him. I need to accept that he is married and I should move on but its the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. I have no way to contact him so that makes it even harder for me to accept. It makes me feel like i’m not wanted/loved anymore. I’m so depressed. He will always be my forbidden love.

    • This is to islandchika5: Your story was identical to mine. Please visit this site: http://www.2knowmyself.com it helped me and I know it will help you. Please go there now. I am not a paid affiliate in the slightest; just passing along good information to those people who might be unaware that there is help out here on the Internet. Good luck to you islandchika5.

    • I was in the same situation and this guy made me feel so good inside unlike my husband was making me feel, but as time passed I realized that it was not worth it and that I would probably get pay back for my feelings and actions. Don’t be selfish in this situation. Let him go because if you hold on to it you are destroying him and his family; it’s not all about YOU. Find spiritual healing and move on. Find confidence in God or even a close female friend or family member. I am still getting over my emotional affair and doing it by the help of God and staying surrounded by family. It’s hard especially when he’s still texting and I have to let go and not text back.
      Best of Luck
      My prayers are with you!

  14. To respond I am a married man with a 8 year relationaship and four year marriage and I too had an emotional affair with a Co-worker. Based on all the internet research over the last few weeks it seems that the general opinion is that it is only the woman that get hurt or are left out in the cold. I can only but empathize with you in the pain and longing for this person as I too feel the same for the person I am emotionally attached to. The reason I am not divorced yet is because my wife wont give me the divorce despite me having signed the papers and close family and friends have been constantly reminding how I made a covenant with my wife and God. That this difficult time will pass and that I will find happiness in my marriage again.Their words are wise and yet I cannot stop thinking about her and wanting to make her my life partner. I too like you feel that this is the person I am meant to be with. I can only but encourage you ladies to understand the there are still some men out there who are sincere and yes I understand that if we are so sincere then why would we, I in particular allow this to happen? I wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage.

  15. Affairs are painful and it hurts very badly and very rarely would it become a fairytale that comes true. I became involved with a co-worker for a year and I developed deep feelings for him and became very addicted to the passion and affections he showered upon me. My husband never give me the kind of attention and I crave for the attention, affection and adoration I received from this man. However it is not all great because there are many times when I feel lonely as I could not have him full time since he is also married with kids and the the fact that we worked together made it very complicated. We talked and made plans about future together but to be frank it is unlikely our plans will become real. I don’t quite believe we will both be able to walk out our marriage and start anew as we both have young kids who needed us. He promised me all the world and that we are going to be together one day but i dont think i can wait any longer. I have lost faith in the relationship with him. In fact it is not even a real relationship, its just a secret, forbidden affair between two married colleagues. I am very hurt because he has much better self control than I. I think about him all the time and long to be with him, want more commitment from him and long for more of his time with me. He promised me all the great things and told me all the sweetest things I want to hear. I find it very difficult to walk away and part of me wish I am strong enough to give him an ultimatum; its now or never. I am very close to giving him the ultimatum now; I am starting to feel everything suits him but what about me? I have to channel my energy into my marriage and kids too. I have put in so much energy, love and time into this affair that I am very very drained out. I am exhausted and I wish I have the strength to walk away.

    • walk away please. You are only hurting everyone involved. Think past yourself.

  16. Been in love with my therapist (I know, old story) for 7 years, and he considers me a colleague (same profession); went to him for a business issue; poured out my soul in poetry and speech with him. He is married, but as he says: “Unavailable”—his behavior says otherwise.

    As I have told him: People are what they DO, NOT what they Say. Too long of a story to go into here.

    I cannot help that I love him. He has led me on….big time …..and I resent that. He has his “cake” and eats it too…..I am alone after a long-term abusive marriage….he is married.

    • I’ve just realised that I’m in the same boat – been dropping in to see this bloke in local shop and staying longer and longer. First man I’ve liked after 8 years single after abusive relationship. So kind but married with kids. This week he told his wife he’d met someone and now wants an affair. I feel so stupid I didn’t see it coming. I actually considered it for about a day but am not going to continue. Too much potential damage. Joe’s comments are harsh. I’ve been dumb but when you aren’t flirting or sleeping with someone you don’t always realise what the friendship is leading to. Thanks for this page.

  17. I have become obsessed with a man that I had worked with for 2 years, then when I was laid off 3 years ago we became friends. I was immediately attracted to him, but the whole time we worked together I did not let him know. About a 1/ 1/2 after working together(we were incontact weekly), I started sex texting and he responded. It progressed (he was also a professional ref for me, we kissed once and then spent one night together (it was not fantastic and I found out he was the worst alcoholic I had ever seen, 24/7, 2 hours without a drink, the Dt’s would start), I should have been done, but wasn’t. I am single, attractive (never been married successful woman)had plenty of boyfriends in the past. He actually made an effort in the beginning to see me, but I made it difficult. That was March 2010, he stopped all contact with me April 30th, 2011. We had been unemployed for 6 mos together last year (I watched, he would start txting me in the morning first and it would go on all day, evryday except sundays,even sundays I would get 1 or 2 txts) then he got a job out of state. He was very supportive of me with my new work accomplishments. Whenever he would get stressed out(even before we were together)he would contact me. Phone calls, texts e-mails(1wknd he called 4-5x’s+txts &msgs). He had told me he had to many problems to be involved, but would play games with me. Ex: told me to get lost, 2weeks I don’t have contact, sends me a job posting, I respond I am going away for wknd(1st thing in the morn, he’s at work)2 hours later, txts me” Where the Hell are you?” wants me to drop everything to take pics of rental house he has. I tell him friends I am with, then he is not so interested me taking pics. Job makes him get sober he calls me to tell me he’s goingto do it,first important thing he’s done in his life(drunk for at least 15 yrs). He had told me I was the most extreme bipolar peep he ever met. I was like that with him because of him. I always felt like there was someone he was in love with(like a wife)he’s 52, told me he had never been married, no time for that. Since he stopped contact, I have accidently found out he’s been married for 12 years, among other things. Some of the things I understand why he wouldn’t tell, but the marriage, I specifically stated I would not get involved. I have no friends in the state I live in now and become dependent on him emotionally. I should be well done with my wanting him, yet I find myself still missing him. Why? My rational mind(the whole time too!)for some reson has not been able to control the emotional part. I’m intelligent, don’t need anyone financially am considered attractive, but still I miss and want him. Why? I don’t understand this. I apologize I know this has been very long. It doesn’t make sense to me, I can’t stop thinking about him. I have read the suggestions, but it doesn’t seem to work. thank you for listening, maybe that will help.

  18. My wife had an emotional affair on me. We have been married for 11 years and I have always felt that we were in love. Regardless of what was going on in our lives I never for a second thought that she would turn to another.

    Anybody on here that is trying to make themeselves feel better about their affair can fuck off. You might as well sucked his dick. There isn’t much difference from where I stand.

    You screwed over your companion and you deserve any guilt of carma that comes your way.

  19. My H and I have been married almost 10 yrs  together for 15. I found out last month that my H was having an affair. He is 36, she is 25. Aug 23 I had a Terrible nightmare that my H was cheating on me. I went into his email and found proof that he WAS. Strange, according to him that night was the first time they had sex. He met her Aug, 17, slept with her Aug, 23, them moved in with her a few days later. I should mention that he started a new job Aug, 1.  3 hours away. So he was staying with a friend during the week, and driving home on the weekends. Yes, the marriage was in bad shape. I just didn’t think that this would ever happen. That weekend after I found out we spoke about the situation. He told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore. That he and this girl were perfect for each other “two sides of the same coin” they communicated the same way, and that he fell in love with her in two days! A week later he says that he is not sure of his feelings for her anymore, that he is still in love with me. That he has always loved me, and that he needs time to make the new me a reality in his mind. That the old memories of him and I are still too strong. That he needs to be sure what path will bring him true happiness. He’s 90% sure he will come back to us, but he needs time to decide. He doesn’t know how much time however. He is having sex with both of us.  Even though the pain of knowing he is with someone else during the week is most painful for me. I’m trying to do the very best I can to not think about her, and just enjoy what little time we have together as husband and wife, as a family.  He has said in the past that he does not sleep well while he is there, but does while he is here. I’m not sure what that means? I am willing to suffer through this for as long as I can. I’ve made some very posative changes recently. They will either benefit my marriage, or benefit my new life without him. At this point? I honestly don’t know what is going to happen. It’s all still very new, and I am trying to be as rational as I can about it all. We have three children under the age of 8, and a TON of debt! He has admitted that he has not thought through what would really happen if we got a divorce. All I know is that I love him, I love our children, and I want our marriage to survive this.
         This is for the people who CHOSE to become involved with People who are married, or married yourself. Think about what kind of havoc you cause! The pain sometimes is so unbearable that I wish GOD would just take me. I wake up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach pains, vomiting, I cry so hard sometimes I have trouble breathing! Then I have to pull it together for our three young children. Get them to school, keep the house up, help with  homework, do the laundry, go to work. I don’t think you truly understand how much pain and upheaval you cause. I asked my children what daddy did while I went to a neghbor’s house the other day? He said, “why? Are you afraid he was talking to his girlfriend? You think he’s gonna DUMP you?!” He’s only 8, but it was like someone had shoved a knife right through my heart. If they are married? Don’t do it!! Put yourself in my place, in my children’s place. He says that she feels guilty for possibly destroying a family but she can’t seem to let him go.  For over a month now, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barley think straight. This is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. 

    • K I really feel for you and understand your situation. my husband cheated after we had been together for 15 years. one of the most hurtful things for me was how quickly he developed feelings for her. We had spend years creating a life and a family. It is insulting to hear that it was so easily tossed aside for selfish reasons. We went to therapy and he has said all the “right”things but hearing him say he loves me now is shallow. Obviously he doesn’t know the true meaning since a year ago he was telling us both at the same time that he loved us. We are together but every day I feel closer to a breakdown. i fell apart at first, of course. but after therapy I felt stronger. We stopped going a few months ago and i spend so much energy trying to put on a happy face that I want to scream. I feel like it’s fresh again. I want to kill him or her or both even though it was a brief affair that ended a year ago. Some days I want to drive off or drown my sorrows in a bottle but I can’t do anything because of my responsibilities here. I wish there was a support group nearby of others going through this because I want to just cry with people who really understand. I don’t have the energy anymore to smile or explain or make excuses to people about why I can’t get together. I just can’t face the world anymore. i feel like such a failure and a joke. I feel stupid for staying but afraid to leave. I don’t want to just throw away all those years but I also don’t think they have the same meaning anymore. I guess they meant more to me than to him or he never would have cheated. so what am I staying around for. We have to start over and I have so much hurt and anger in me that I don’t know if I can.

      • K – Wow your comments really resonated with me. Like how can a person – you – throw away all those years and just start over? – but then you feel like a complete idiot for not doing just that! My husband of 19 years has been having an emotional affair with a woman from his work for around 3 years…it’s hard to say when they crossed the line – she and her husband are really good friends of ours and we have spent tons of time with them going out and having them over, etc. I started noticing about a year ago that he was getting way too many texts from her (she and I really never clicked – I liked her husband’s personality better, but she was fun enough to go out with) anyway, I talked to him about it – ofcourse it’s my fault – he just has fun with her, I ‘never want to go out’ (no not with her because I sensed it and they were always trying to have ‘all of us get together’ – ‘we’re just friends’ is the phrase that now makes me want to vomit for how many times he told me that – then he started training with her for a marathon, they did that two years in a row, with my support at the finish line and our 3 kids and his 80 year old parents in tow – both times! So a month ago….I was looking at our 16-year old’s phone bill, switched over to my husbands on a whim and bam! there it is – they are talking to each other constantly – he calls her in the morning on the way to work and on the way home and when he is grocery shopping and they text constantly AND while he was away on business trip they talked for an hour until midnight. (this is a workaholic man that goes to bed like clockwork at 10pm every night when he is home) It makes you really question reality and your life as you know it. It makes you doubt yourself and feel that you are not good enough – it pisses you off and paralyzes you – but then that is crap, too! Actually this woman and my husband are just your average selfish cheaters like so many others have been as unfortunate to have married on this board – They can’t see past themselves and their boo-hoo loneliness and blame is the name of their game. It’s the average part that I thought our marriage had escaped – I thought our life held deep meaning, yes even though we weren’t always getting along. I knew one thing for sure – that no matter how bad it got – I could trust my husband never to betray me. I think the cheaters need attention and to escape (who doesn’t) and are somewhat unintelligent emotionally – but now been in counseling and feel that I am abandoning myself and what’s left of my dignity if I ‘work on’ this marriage – fuck it right?. The sick part is that during counseling, he wants to kind of gloss over the 2+ year affair and get down to the part where he is a basically happy person (total fiction of his mind as he complains constantly about his employees, the dirty dishes, the kids grades, etc.) and that I am not a fun person to be around :) that just made me smile at how funny it is…. I don’t think I can love him again and definitely I won’t ever forgive him. He did say what they all say….he’s sorry….it wasn’t reality what he was having with her…..she didn’t judge him….she laughed at his jokes….blah blah….gimme a fucking break – these are basic needs for acceptance – we all have them, but if you are not getting them from your spouse, then maybe you should work on your marriage ‘before’ you become bff’s with a person of the opposite sex to feel that someone likes you so you feel better about yourself. But now that he’s ‘already apologized’ he really wants to focus on how we’ve never been on the same page – him fun, me ‘not fun’ — and that is why he works from 6am to 7pm and every night after dinner until 10pm (yep bedtime unless he’s out of town) because I am too critical and blah blah blah let me summarize it with “I am a great person, but my wife sucks”. What would the poll say if questioning whether to work on it or really take the wake up call and run for your ‘new life’ dreams ? what do you say broken-hearted breathren?- oh that’s right, there’s still the children and your job and money…..I think that’s why I’m staying for now – I’m also sick of putting on a happy face and pretending this didn’t happen. Quite the conundrum – can’t believe it’s my pathetic life!!…..but thank you all so much for venting here – it’s fascinating and tragic and a connection of emotions that have helped me find my own. Peace and love to all of you – except the cheaters ;)

  20. I do feel sadness for ALL parties involved in any sort of affair. Noboby “asks” for it to happen and not everyone “seeks” it out. Most of these posts sounds like all of “blame” is put on the “other” man or woman. Why is that?? Do you honestly think that your spouse isn’t to blame at all? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, but BOTH parties are 100% accountable for their actions, not just “the other” man or woman. One last thing, ALL 3 people get HURT and are in PAIN! Just remember that they say God brings people into your life for a reason…Don’t always blame “the other” man or woman.

    • I certainly think my husband has a lot of *personal responsibility* for the affair and hence deserves a lot of the blame. However he couldn’t do it on his own and in our case she really went affter him for a year despite knowing I was pregnant and then home with a newborn. In fact she played on it and reminisced about early motherhood!! Also where my husband is remorseful and doing everything to try to heal us she won’t give up and doesn’t believe him dumping her, still emails him with the tone of being his wife! His transgression may be greater in terms of breaking vows to me but I find it especially heinous for a woman to do this to another woman and a mother to another mother *and gloat about it!*

      I can see his actions as a mistake he’s trying to fix and I can see his shame and remorse. She has no shame and sees herself as the wronged party! She thinks he owes her a break up debrief! She thinks she’s the doe-eyed lover not the middle aged married mistress.

      He disappoints me. She disgusts me.

  21. I have known this guy since I was 18,he is 13 years older than me.We had worked together and always had a thing for each other until he got married and I started dating someone.Again when I was 21 we had a night out and ended up kissing,he said he would leave his wife but I couldn’t commit to this.After ten years of not seeing each other we have met again at the beginning of this year.He texted me everyday or would call,brought my flowers and told me that he has had very strong feelings for me.we then slept together once and a few months later he said he couldn’t do it any more.He said he wanted us to remain friends but still talked with me everyday and still flirted with me and told me he thought about me all the time.A few months ago I had a breakdown because I couldn’t cope and no I am not perfect and I am responsible too.He has said that he cannot tell his wife that he meets me even though he convinces himself we are just friends and I have asked him if I am just a friend he would tell her.He has said if I meet anyone it would devastate him and said he cant leave because he would lose too much money.I have told him that I couldn’t remain friends because even though I am only 34 he has always been my soul mate and I cant love unconditionally and not have them.He has told me never to contact him again and said I killed the relationship.I am now having to see a psychologist and I feel I don’t want to be here any more because the pain is so bad,I trusted him.I have also wrote to him to say I cant believe what he did but that I miss him so much I know he wont reply.I would like it if someone could give me some advice .Thanks

  22. Hi,

    I am in love with a boy from where I lived whilst growing up and when we started dating the passion/lust was amazing….we seldom fought…it’s like when I was with him there was nothing to complain….it was almost always peaceful just being by his side….he too seldom had any issues to rake up with me…I loved and still love the intensity of himself that he tries to hide….this was when he was 22 and I was 21 then later he went abroad to work and we wrote and called each other…then he was spotted by a friend of mine at a party…in the city he lived…he was cheating on me…I called and told him that was unfair coz I was being really faithful…..he initially denied it but I did not listen and my ego was super hurt….I did not ever contact him and he didn’t either….I was lost….completely, but hid all of it in the fact that I had loads of friends and great parents….I had men crazy after me and treated them like dirt after that……I then got involved with a very kind man….who fell in love with me….I warned him that the timing was not right however, he chose to still pursue our relationship and things just kept going on….my father who was very close to me…knew what I was going thru and when he saw this kind man so in love with me …my dad was jubliant when he proposed to me….I agreed provided he agreed to wait for 2 years after getting engaged….as luck would have it…..he had to go to the US for a job and wanted to up the date of our marriage to which my father was utterly pleased coz he knew what was on my mind….anyways, I’d given up and got married and shifted to the States….when I had my first son I named him with the same alphabet as my first and only love and when my son was around 3 months my old love called to ask me why I named him with the same alphabet….I responded saying just like that….he apologised and told me he was geting married and then we lost touch….Last year my father died and on the day of the funeral my old love messaged me and eventhough I was so distraught…I was still disturbed and jumpy with his message….we were in touch again…..later I realised that he was splitting with his wife and for whatever reasons….we were in touch via mail every single day since and I just fell to the bottom of the well….totally in love with him….eventhough I should have been hating the man who ruined my life in a way….but he has changed and is very gentle….disuaded me a lot, didn’t show any interest, and in many ways I feel it’s me who has pushed to have what we do today …it’s two years now and we mail each other every day….the mails are lovely, sweet, nothing vulgar, no sex talk…but gentle and ofcourse there is flirting and it’s crazy coz I think of him every second of the day and have told him exactly how I feel….and he has still held his stand…with giving away just a little once in a while…we tell each other that we love each other and have promised not to meet….but that may not stay the same for too long coz we do want to….it’s just so difficult to figure what’s going on….since he lives far away he calls me every Fri and we chat for a while…other than our daily mails….we have discussed if he is on a rebound or why I am unhappy in my marriage…still there is no answer that he or I get…..I could write tons more about this but I would not know where to stop. I love him….deep, deep from within the recesses of my soul and he knows that. Do advise. thanks…yours truly Addicted :)

  23. I need help. My friend of ten years… He knew I was bisexual when I met him. He dated my friend from HS. We were good friends… When they broke up, he became a better friend, and my HS friend disappeared… things were good… He got married, had a kid, and now is having another one. In the past year, I have been getting lil things that he is emotionally attached to me… but I am in denial. I ask him about it, but I dont get a straight answer. It started last year when I went to his house once to watch tv and have dinner while she was working. I leave, he sends a text, “you still outside… come back inside… let your car warm up so we can hang out longer” … Then I get a Merry Christmas cant wait to see you again… Then a Happy New Year, we’re going to have a great year. When I hang out with him, hes fine, but the three times, this past year, we hung out the three of us, he got very uncomfortable and nervous, and one time threw up. We got drunk at a leukemia benefit the three of us went to… and he told me how she constantly is yelling at him and unhappy. Plays me a song on his i phone, which is a love song and tells me that’s my song… He told me he wants to go to a gay resort with me… he’s been always curious to go… He gets upset if I decline offers to hang out with him and his buddies to watch football at the bar. I try to confront him, he claims hes more charismatic when hes in a good mood. I have distanced myself from him, and when im not around him, I am happy… but when we hang out, he seems so happy to be around me. I wish I knew his intentions.

  24. This post is a lifesaver. I just broke off an emotional affair and indeed it was a special connection between two kindred souls. It’s comforting to know there’s someone out there who not only understands the issues, but offers sound, practical advice. I must tweet about this!

  25. I had an affair. I got caught, we are trying to make things work. kind of. prior to the affair I was done being married. the arguements, the I am always wrong and dont know what I am talking about, jelousy to where I am not allowed to have friends. Marriage sucked. i was sleeping in the basement in a bed in a closet for thirteen years. alone everynight and did not feel married at all but more like an endentured servant, with no return to myself. I kept saying over and over again you are driving me away and I am going to find someone, and one day it happen. I kind of wanted to get caught. so I could say I told you so, although it was a sad excuse.. I did not break communication with the person though. the advances kept coming but I was strong enough to say, sorry not an option, however this inspiration came from a friend that I had told, who told me that I was not the kind of person I was, and that I should not be talking to her at all. She said I should be faithful.. and that she detested men who cheat. What she said really hit home, so I have been good with no real issues. Yet everyday I hear about it from my wife, everyday there is an arguement, and I keep saying please stop because it makes me feel no regret and the attitude is just driving me away again. Since the affair I have tried to leave several times, with no avail. I leave she cries the kids cry everyone cries. and I cant bring myself to leave my kids, who I am very close to. As bad as I can not stand being there, I cant stand to be away. meanwhile my friend and I have been becoming closer. non sexually. and have been trying to keep it that way. I find myself miserable. I really have no idea what to do, I want to leave but cant. I want to persue this other person but cant. I do not blame the affiar for ruining my marriage it was crappy long before that, and I have since been sleeping up in the bed again, however I still get kicked out for this or that when she says my breathing is keeping her awake. I feel used. she says she loves me, but I dont feel it in the actions. and never have. Now I truely gaining feelings for someone else. And they do to and hate the fact that the emotions are becoming stronger we both want to and talk about walking away from our friendship, and have, we stop talking for days. but then say hi and the cycle repeats.. I am miserable living with my wife who smothers me to the point I feel like I cant breath. I come into work early and I get questioned why I go into work so early, when I come in just to be alone, because hardly anyone is here yet. This post really helps me keep my head for being faithful. But does not change the feeling of being completely stuck.

    I think I need a counselor…. lol

  26. I’ve been embroiled in an emotional affair with a woman who was “alone” when she started communicating online with me 2 years ago, but then when her mother died, she turned to a boy who had been pursuing her for awhile but she kept turning down. So we stopped our emailing and then I broke up with my fiancee, who I’d been living with for 10 years, and moved out. Months later, this past Sept., I heard again from this girl, as the boy had gone back across the country to await some operation. Almost immediately we moved the conversaton from IM and email to the phone, and she would keep me on the line for 8, 10, even 12 hours a night….with her carrying about 95% of the conversation. I responded very physically, though she mostly talked math, and also emotionally; I was often in tears on my end as she talked. Then the boy came back for the holidays, forcing us to stop using the phone, and resort to secretive emails which often number in the dozens on any particular day. I’ve tried to extricate myself, swear off this thing, because it doesn’t look like she wants to end the primary/physical relationship though he doesn’t give her what apparently I do. But because I became so close to her, and emotionally attuned to her, every time she’s “with” him, I feel it and can barely move that day. I’m extremely miserable and though I was led to believe the “other fellow” would be going back across country alone, the truth seems to be this girl wants her cake and to eat it too. If anyone has any suggestions on how to effectively walk away from all contact, I’d love to hear it, because I’ve tried several times but this is harder than virtually every physical relationship I’ve been in. I haven’t been so “addicted” to a woman since the mid-80s, and I haven’t even physically met her! It boggles my own mind sometimes, to think of how hopelessly addicted to her I’ve become, yet never having felt her touch.

  27. Epic words of wisdom. I wish I read this blog years ago.But, then again years ago I did not have this problem. I thank God, that what I did, did not develop into anything, and that I was able to walk away with soome dignity. However, the guilt is still there. If it was not for my wife and confiding these mistakes with her, I don’t think I could have lived with myself…..

  28. My husband had an EA for months I never suspected a thing until one night our phones were cut off and had to use his work phone, where I discovered texts to her My heart is completely broken hours of phone calls thousands of texts and the thing that hurts the most is his explanation that he was curious about sexting and that it was just a game to him! He broke my heart tore my world apart for a game. He’s lying to his self and me and I don’t know how to get over this hurt and anger.

  29. There is some comfort in reading the article and comments. I don’t feel so alone anymore in my plight. There have been two men in my life I have loved. The first I met at 10 years old and spent several years being his desk mate in school. The second I met at 15 and married at 21. I have been married now 33 years and thanks to the wonder of cyberspace unexpectantly have been communicating with my first love for about a year now. Though we never dated and he was very shy, I never forgot him. He is also married but not happy. I even knew the girl he married back in school. Although our conversations were mostly plutonic, there occasionally was tenderness between the words. I was so comfortable sharing my hopes and dreams and past events with him and he loved hearing it. He did not lead me on in anyway, I created the fantasy that maybe he cared as much as I did and shared my feelings that “we should have been together”. My marriage was and still is experiencing challenges and my feelings for this man made it so much harder. Although we did not meet in person I experienced a bond to him that I don’t know will ever be entirely broken. One day after he finished emailing me, he posted a status on his wall that he was now in a “relationship”. I was confused and in shock. He was still married, talking to me on the internet and now appartently in an “Open Marriage” with a girlfriend he is announcing to the world. I felt a dagger in my heart that is still giving me terrible pain. I felt so stupid and used. I am now seeing a therapist to help me get over this and move on. I refuse to believe that someone I loved so much is that kind of guy. Even though, I still have feelings for him and still communicate with him but am weaning myself. He never admitted anything to me about the new relationship. I am trying to fall in love with my husband again, who knows nothing about this. There is damage done, I hope it can be repaired. My advice, don’t do what I did!

  30. I have worked with a man for 12 years and over the past year, have been in an emotional affair. Both of us were very unhappy with our marriages and began to talk about the lack of intimacy, respect, things in common, etc. that we no longer had with our spouses. We have shared hopes and dreams. We’ve talked about what it would be like to be married and combine our families. The similarities that we share are just plain ridiculous. I have been with my husband since I was just 15 years old. We’ve been through a lifetime of events, including the loss of our 1st daughter, from SIDS. I didn’t think anything could get between us if we came together so strongly after her death. However, time marched forward and began to see divisions in how my husband and I thought about things. I found I had nothing in common with him anymore, a huge lack of respect toward me began occurring. Although he is a wonderful father, he never helped around the house, would “skip out” on family events to which I began lying as to his whereabouts from embarrassment, and felt neglected and taken for granted. He completely checked out of caring for me and therefore, I became like a robot, living day by day and checked out, emotionally from our relationship. When my new friend and I started to share and actually tried giving advice on how to fix our current marriages, I realized one day that I was falling in love with him. When that person becomes the first person you think about in the morning and the last person you think about at night, you know you’re in trouble. My husband has recently found about my friend and am in the process of trying to rebuild my marriage. There are no guarantees and I am very afraid. I love my “friend” and feel his is my missing puzzle piece. I am putting my faith in God, that he will lead to the right path. I am heartbroken and confused. If it’s not really love, why does this hurt so much? I pray for my friend, for myself and all of you that you find clarity and happiness on your journey to healing.

  31. I never thought that this would EVER happen to me! I was raised to have very high moral standards, and I always did. I have been married for 15 yrs while they haven’t been the easiest we have worked through most of them. 3 yrs ago, i walked into chruch and one look at the drummer and that was it, he is married as well, and while we have never had anything physical, the emotional connection has taken me back. I can talk to him and say what i want and not feel judged or embarresed, where as with my husband i do. I dont understand why this has happened but it has. I know its not right and neither one of us will leave our families, but it is what it is. Lately, it has gotten a little weird between us….sometimes we dont know what to say to eatch other, not that its strained, i just wonder if the sexual tension is so much there that we dont want to really aknolwedge it. Our families do socialize together and i know our spouses dont suspect anything. When i see him, i hurt..we try to not really talk a lot when we are together, so we end up texting even in the same room.. i know it sounds crazy but what do you do. I thought maybe i was the only one in the situation, but i see that i’m not. I pray daily that God will just take him out of my heart! I never thought i would meet someone and click with them like i have with him.

  32. I am in the process of ending an EA I have been in with a co-worker for the past 4 years on & off. It’s been the same cliched story – we were both feeling unappreciated by our respective partners and one day flirting led to kissing, which in turn led to sex. Then through guilt, I think, on her part the physical thing lessened and lessened to just the odd kiss. Then it was just mutual compliments. It has a been a horrible roller coaster where I have chased the ‘high’ I used to get in the early days, but like a heroin addict it never happens. But for some reason I insisted on putting myself through horrendous mental and emotional anguish so crushing that I could barely face the day ahead. However, I had to plough on and make excuses for my mood so my family or co-workers would not realise what was going on between me and OW. I fell for her in a massive way and would have given up my world to be with her, so deep was my infatuation. To be fair to her, she saw it as only a bit fun and had no intention of leaving her partner. However, she always said just enough to keep me interested. To keep me hanging on. The logical part of me knows the is no future, but my heart ruled my head for so long. Even now I’m not sure I will be strong enough to walk away. We work so closely together that it is inevitable that we confide in each other. We know so much about each other it is actually frightening. That is part of the reason it was easier to continue. The thought of a huge bust up and everyone at work finding out. Us not talking and then all the secrets coming out made the emotional pain the easier option, believe it or not. Madness – I know that, but as I have said the heart ruled the head. I now have to try and extricate myself from the EA but still manage to maintain a good working relationship. Goodness knows how, but I have to. Finding another job is not an option. I can foresee a lot of turmoil ahead, but I know I need to stay strong & follow this through for the sake of my mental health. I am a strong person mentally, but this is totally destroying me to the point I am on the verge of going long term sick from work, which is a terrible idea. I just hope I can pull this off with some dignity and minimum hurt to either OW or myself…

  33. My wife had an emotional affair with my tennant 6 years ago, they held hands once in my presence. She cut it off after our marriage counsler told her it was wrong. I was diagnosed with a chronic illiness at the time so it really hurt. Its been rocky ever since.
    6 years later we are back in counseling. She says i gave her nothing…except two houses, bmws and extravagant vacations…and i need to shape up. I dont drink am in prettygood shape but am a workaholic with a chronic illness. The marriage is over. I probably have another year or two in the workforce then will be fired or end up in nut house. Lufes a bitch. The kicker is she chased me to marry. I was too young and dumb to say no. She is going to get more than half and ill slowly go down the drain. Womens lib, feminism were a big mistake for humanity.

  34. My wife had an emotional affair with my tennant 6 years ago, they held hands once in my presence. She cut it off after our marriage counsler told her it was wrong. I was diagnosed with a chronic illiness at the time so it really hurt. Its been rocky ever since.
    6 years later we are back in counseling. She says i gave her nothing…except two houses, bmws and extravagant vacations…and i need to shape up. I dont drink am in prettygood shape but am a workaholic with a chronic illness. The marriage is over. I probably have another year or two in the workforce then will be fired or end up in nut house. Lifes a bitch. The kicker is she chased me to marry. I was too young and dumb to say no. She is going to get more than half and ill slowly go down the drain. Womens lib, feminism were a big mistake for humanity.

    • You’ll be destroyed if you can’t stop blaming/hating her, no matter how wrong she has been and how much damage she has brought to your life.

      I cried out for help and God found me. It was truly a miracle that my heart was repaired like new and I stopped hating my husband.

      May God bless you and every broken heart.

  35. Thanks for your posting, i think that what you said is very true. It is much harder to recover from an emotional affair because of the attachment involved.
    You posted some great information here.

  36. I have been married 20 years. I recently started working on a project with a married woman at our childrens’ school. We work well together and like to stay involved in our kids schools. My wife seems irritated because of all the e mails and texts we exchange working on the project. I show my wife the e mails and texts when she asks. I have to admit a have a little crush on her,and always look forward to hearing from her. Is this an emotional affair?

    • Confused,
      Please for everyone’s sake stop and back up immediately! Begin working on the small but significant thing(s) that may be missing in your marriage. Trust me, it seems like you already know that this “other person” is tickling a soft spot. Figure out what that spot is and address it with your wife. Doom, despair, loneliness, heartache, regret and guilt lie ahead. That little euphoria you feel when you know you are going to see her or get a message from her is the poison you don’t realize is quietly sneaking up on you. No matter if you think you’re in control and strong, show your strength – find out what itch needs scratched and don’t walk but run into your wife’s arms. ONLY after you ask her how you can make her life better and what possible needs of her’s you are neglecting should you let her know you are needing something from her too. Marriage requires the security of honest communication. As for the potential EA…… Leonardo Da Vinci remarked “It’s easier to resist at the beginning than at the end”. I know this for a fact-It’s sooooooo true. Good Luck!

  37. Has any one out there have there affair ended not of there own choosing. I had an emotional and physical affair that lasted for 2 years. We meet each other on line at Craig’s List I created a posting unhappily married looking for a friend. She responded to it and we be came email friends. We would talk every day twice a day about every thing. One day we meet each other in person for lunch. We hit it off and became more attracted to one another. Well weeks later we meet for lunch again and we to a hotel after . The love making was fantastic it was like fireworks in the bed. This affair lasted for 2 year of every day talking to one another and meeting every Saturday afternoon for sex. She became my best friend. Now she ends it and tell me she working on her marriage. I am completely devastated. It’s been over a year now and I can’t move on .I,m always thinking about her every day.

  38. I am just in the process of recovery from a 2 year emotional affair with a co-worker, in some many ways it is more painful than any other break up you have ever experienced. I have know this woman for over 10 years, and let my self fall in love with her over time. It all started very innocently, she is involved in a bad marriage, and I would see her crying at her desk at the office. As we talked we began talking about our respective marriages and the problems we were having. Eventually we began telling each other things that we had never shared before, not even with our spouses. We began to grow closer with each passing day. There was never any sex but we did kiss. I was ready to leave my wife for her but she worried what impact a divorce would have on her children. Eventually her husband found out, and demanded she quit her job. I truly love her, but I know she will do anything for her kids, even if that means staying a bad marriage. So I have broken off all contact with her. It is so painful, but I know it’s the best for both of us. Now I will need to concentrate on fixing what is missing in my marriage. Don’t let yourself fall into this trap.

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