This guest article from YourTango was written by Julie Orlov.
If you’ve ever been in a controlling relationship, you know how easy it is to get caught in its web. It usually starts out with a simple suggestion like, “Do you think that outfit is the best you can do for the banquet tonight?” or “I think you’re better off ordering the salad,” or “You should get a real job and stop all that nonsense about making it as an artist.”
At first, you take their suggestions as a reflection of their love and concern for you. After all, their comments are not that far off base, and you certainly don’t want to appear unappreciative or defensive. At this stage of the relationship, you want to please your mate, not alienate him or her. It’s more important to appear receptive and understanding of your partner’s opinions than to challenge them.
Some time goes by. You now notice that your significant other’s opinions of you continue to be critical. Only now, there is an emotional undertone that suggests if you don’t abide by his opinion, he will be angry, punitive and emotionally manipulative.
The scariest times come when you believe the threats of rejection and abandonment.
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Hi Julie,Thank you for writing such a great article. I love the way you emphasize making self-empowerment a priority and honoring our highest good.I was an abuse victim most of my life and finally became free. I now help others to see the destructive patterns that they get caught up in and let them know that they are not alone. I got the help I needed and also read tons of books on the subject, which has played a big part in changing my life.We have to shine more light on the problem of abuse to help those in need.In gratitude,Giselle
Hi Giselle,
I’m watching on the sidelines as my younger sister has been engaging in what I (and my whole family, parents and 2 other siblings) would call an emotionally abusive relationship. A few blazingly obvious characteristics of her relationship are as follows.
1. She has isolated herself from friends and family, some of her close friends haven’t seen or heard from her in months.
2. She is driving his car and living in his house which he repeatedly reminds her of and will take away that privilege at the drop of a hat.
3. When they are apart, there is constant texting and excessive phone calls. She checks in when she arrives someplace, calls when she’s leaving and many texts in between.
4. He tells her it’s her fault that her friends and family dont like him, because SHE shared too much information about their private matters.
Those are my top four and there’s more…My sister has two college degrees and had her sights set on grad school up until recently and she doesn’t have a viable reason why she’s changing her path. Ive given you some insight and am asking what I can do as her sister to help her see whats really happening here.
I have had many many conversations with her about this, she seems to agree with me on most issues I bring up, but never takes any action. I tried the standoff, told her I’m not going to see her until they split. didn’t work. For the last month and a half our older sister and me have taken her out to dinner or movies every wednesday night and have made this effort in hopes of re-empowering her… It seems to have made a slight difference. I’m writing to ask how you came to realize that your relationship was abusive, how did you see it was wrong?? I feel like my sister is wearing blinders…
Also, any advice or suggestions on how to move are greatly appreciated!!
Thank you,
KT
Very helpful article. Thanks for writing and posting this!
I really need some help. Like my name, im lost. My so of 4 yrs is emotionally abusive, yet, when i raise my voice in any kind of protest, he claims I am the abusive one. Screaming rages in the car, punching walls and slamming doors is what happens when he is angry. He hasnt hit me since 2010. He has forced me to have 3 abortions.
He tells me to live for today, not the past, he tells me he is trying to be a better person today. I dont know what to do. Everyday, there is something that comes out of his mouth that hurts me, even in the smallest way.
Forgive and try to make better? Or run for my life?
Please help.
Please change the wording of this article. It assumes that the abuser is a man and very often it isn’t. Women are just as likely to be emotional abusers than women. I find the assumptions offensive.