133 Comments to
8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends

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  1. I just wanted to comment here too. I’m in my mid 30s, and just this year my “best friend” and I stopped talking after being friends since third grade. She was at my wedding and the birth of my child. For years, we’ve had a rocky relationship. She is the kind of person who loves you one day and then the next week she isn’t speaking to you because of some perceived slight. She is always going through some kind of drama with somebody in her life, whether it be her mom or one of her friends. We’ve gone lengths of time without talking before, and we always end up somehow becoming friends again. The friendship is always unhealthy though. She has specific expectations of everyone to be a certain way. She is obsessive-compulsive and has insane beliefs about how everyone should act and what friendships should be. I’ve never said anything mean to her in all these years but she has been really hurtful many times. This last time I don’t even know what it was that happened. I got a new career and she just quit talking to me. Wouldn’t return my calls, and deleted me from facebook. I have had anxiety over it for about 6 months now when I think about it. I know I’m better off without her to constantly be fighting with or explaining myself to. It was so draining and unpleasant to be around her most of the time. I always felt she was judging me and never knew what might set her off. So I haven’t gone to any trouble trying to rekindle her friendship but for some reason it still really saddens me and makes me uncomfortable when I think about it. Gonna try some of the suggestions here to help with it.

  2. Thank you for this article. I’ve been experiencing loss of friendships this past year and it’s taken an emotional toll. I’m def going to practice all of these steps and hope to find peace. Thank you for providing this great article. Feeling better already. :)

  3. I took the advice in this article to write a good-bye letter and I had an epiphany while doing so. I realized that every time that I thought about my former friend and the ways she cut me out of her life, I would try to understand why she did it and end up beating myself up with a list of my own flaws and mistakes. I realized that I was putting words in her mouth in order to blame myself for everything, when in this case, we both share the blame to some degree. Now when i start to think about the friendship, I try to remind myself why I liked her in the first place, and what she liked about me. We may not be friends any more, and I may never fully understand what happened, but I can try to remember that I have a lot of positive qualities and many potential new friends out there for the making.

  4. I am currently going thru this with my bf of 6 years she was always there for me always supported me even when I nearly died would ring me for hours on end send me beautiful and encouraging texts would be protective and angry if someone upset me let me into her family who really seemed to like me then 3 months ago she cut contact wouldn’t answer my texts etc, she briefly messaged me 3 weeks ago to say she loved me very much and felt so bad but over Xmas and new year she never contact me at all, I am grieving badly I miss her but I guess she has a reason and realize I probably will never find out and for my sanity I have to move on.

  5. I guess it is therapeutic just to share… I met up with my first love a month after my marriage ended for good. I had been married to an abusive man for 10 years. He was a crack addict, drinker, porn addict and adulterer. He abused me on every level. I stayed because of the kids and because I was co-dependant. He finally made another woman pregnant and left to live in another city. I found out about this all just after giving birth alone to our third child. So there I was, single Mother of 3, with no one to lean on and in walks my first love…who had ironically just left a very volitile relationship himself. Oh how I latched onto him and he to me. I overlooked that he was struggling with addiction, was very…unsettled and emotionally unstable…The bond was sudden and intense but caused me immediate anxiety and stress. Physically we just couldnt seem to relax around each other. Neither of us was ready for a relationship…so we opted to just be friends. Though for me that didnt work out too well. We chatted everyday, shared everything but something niggled at the back of my soul, got along so well. It felt like we were meant to be together although…we werent actually together. After 2 years of playing games I moved 3 hours away back in with my parents. I think it was all just too much.Somehow we ended up chatting again and were soon back in the same pattern. I kept breaking it off because I knew that it wasnt healthy. He would message me every day but as soon as I mentioned the possibility of a relationship he put me back in the friendship box. It was so frustrating because he was relating to me as if we were more than friends but in reality we werent. I didnt realise at the time what this was doing to me on an emotional and psychological level. I focused on the bond of friendship, I cared deeply for him and helped him with everything. I now realise that I was emotionally addicted to him. He had encouraged this to use me to fix his life. I gave everything (as I had done in my previous marriage) and just like my ex, he lapped it all up. The stronger he got(yes I am an excellent fixer) the weaker I got. He recently announced he is moving to another country. My heart and soul shattered. Oh…but he still wants to be “my friend”…why lead me on by saying the things he did (complimentary, flirtatious, hinting of possibility, sharing so much of himself to me) only to disgaurd me like a used up nothing. Sadly it seems he only seems to want to stay friends because I motivate, encourage, inspire and focus on him. So he wants me to carry on doing this and lable it friendship. I cant do it anymore. It hurts so much to walk away because yes, like the good little codependent I am I am actually worrying about hurting him! I feel so confused but I know that after 5 years of intense emotional closeness, if the canary is still singing the same lame tune then I have to shoot it (well not literally but walk away yes). I cant make somebody commit to me. I cant force him to love me. Crazy thing is I am attractive (not being vain) and I am pretty damn awesome! Patient, kind, creative, funny. He said I am all that and beautiful and awesome and a whole lot of other things…yet he’s leaving. Just like that. He too has not had another relationship in all this time. Yet he says he is sorry I fell in love with him…so he obviously doesnt love me…yet he wants to be my friend…but friends dont talk that often and share that deeply. I am confused, angry, hurt. I know he has done this to other woman. Is he a psycho? What is wrong with him? Now I want to walk away but can you believe how hard it is? Its like tearing yourself apart in an attempt to let go. I guess we both have major emotional wounds and we need to stay away from each other and all sembences of romantic interests. Its crazy really. On the surface we seem so good together but theres too much going on under the surface and I feel like I have been taken for a major ride. He is so kind, polite and friendly though… it doesnt compute in my brain? Does he care, doesnt he care? Even after all this time I dont actually know. I am actually going to end the friendship and walk away if for no other reason than its hurting me and driving me crazy. Pray that I will have the strength not to get sucked in again. I will focus on myself, my kids and God and go through this step by step. I think I have a lot of work to do on me…to stop myself from repeating these patterns! To stop the cycle. To grieve BOTH entanglements and learn to love myself! Rambling, sorry but these other comments inspired me to let it all out. Doesnt really feel better yet but maybe its a start in the right direction. God bless. L

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