Friendships are like marriages. Some evolve to become mutually supportive and life-giving bonds while others grow more and more unhealthy, or even toxic. When a friendship ends—abruptly or subtly; via e-mail, phone conversation, or personal confrontation; with words or silence—I believe it needs to be …
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If I can speak on behalf of all readers, I’d say this is something we can all relate to and with each new post we feel the warmth of knowing you a little better.
Friendships – do you really know people? – my best friend of 18 years fell out with me big style last year and was libellous towards me – I did nothing but move on, wishing I’d listened to all those warnings along the way. Be true to yourself and cherish friends but don’t tell them everything – enemies make it up anyway.
My “best”friend of 35 years (yes I said 35, friends since jr. high school)did not come to be with me when my brother died. I was with her for the death of both her parents and her broher (who she could not stand)and when I called to tell her about my broher she said she had an appt and could not come. We talked to each other every week end, went on vacations together, etc. and she just dropped out of my life…GO FIGURE…broke my heart
hi,i love this column,infact,i personally took my time to read it bcos its affectg me
presently.i just broke up wit a relationship and im just tryg to forget.she is a colleague and church member.though ive forgiven but we still see each other almost everyday so its hard to forget.Honestly,im not regretg bcos its an act of jealousy.
its worth leavg.now,i have peace and joy after we broke up.
thanks.
My very close friend of 15 years forged my name on legal documents and now I am pressing criminal charges. Not only were we close friends but I also worked for her part time for several years. My mother also passed away 6 months ago and didn’t even send a card or flowers and she didn’t even call me after the funeral for 2 weeks. It hurts but I am moving on. It just goes to show that you really don’t know someone like you thought.
Why is a Bacardi ad all over some wondeful article. This is a trigger for those in recovery and is totally inapproapiate. I do not open anymore of your articles in fear of triggering my addiction.
I was married to a man 33yrs.The Divorce is almost final.I am trying to move on.He was a control freak and we just didn’t love each other any more.Never the less,it hurts to try to find a new life after that long.I do have a twin sister that has been there for me through it all.I’m saying these things in case there is someone out there that is going through the same thing.I’m getting Happier every day.And the first 3 months after leaving I thought my life was over.I have a new man in my life that tells me I’m beautiful and wouldn’t change a thing about me,just the opposite of what I’ve been used to.So yes there is hope and its up to you to find your happiness.Now I look at each day as a wonderful gift from God.
My best friend of 20 years (who was also my daughter’s Godmother and my next door neighbor for 4 1/2 years) suddenly “dropped” out of my life after she moved to a new home. No call, no letter, no reason….no communication at all. It was extremely painful and sad, as well as maddening. I literally felt like I was bereaving the loss of her entire family. It’s been about 18 months and it still eludes me. Thank you for your article.
I many ways, the world has become a ‘throw-away’ place where, if you don’t like the way things are at present, just dispense with them and re-invent! This seems to apply to marriages, friendships, and even basic relationships like workmates and neighbors. Sad but true, we are in a world where loyalty, steadfastness, and ‘working through the tough times’ seems to ask too much of some people. At the break-neck speed we are travelling, who will we have with us in our old age?
This is a good article and offers some protection and insight to the vulnerable soul who just hoped for a friend to stand by them through a tough place.
This past weekend I broke up a relationship with a married man I met on line. I didn’t know he was married until 5 months into the relationship. We had corresponded for 13 months – we never met. I do believe we fell in love with each other, if that is possible. We at least had an emotional affair. I thought we could be friends, but it became increasingly torturous to want him, to not see him, meet him & be with him, so I broke it off, before some real damage could occur.
In the past, I have done what some of you write about “friends disappearing”. I can tell you that for myself, as a child, growing up in a violent alcoholic home so traumatizing, that at times in our adult relationships those early feelings resurface when we’re not getting needs met, being taken advantage of, or having our feelings dismissed. Some of us have real issues with intimacy – we want so much to be close with someone, but at the same time scared to death about getting hurt again as in childhood. This is not an excuse, just an offered explanation to maybe ease the hurt feelings of you folks we have disconnected from. Hope we all heal. Thanks.
This article came into my mailbox just in time.I’ve been in many unhealthy relationships and at times put my true feelings on the shelf, most of which did nothing to empower me. Last night I decided to move on with a new outlook for new friendships-that actually encourage me to be a better me. I am not looking for perfection but acceptance of the real me. Thank you Therese – ur article is a blessing
This is a wonderful article that is helping me get through a tough day. I thought my feelings were gone but for some reason they have resurfaced; but now I will use these exercises to get ride of them for good. But the most important thing to do is to trust God, he is not through with me yet.
Thank you for this article.
I have learned to realize that people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is important to understand the position of everyone in your live. Once you identify the appropriate category, act on it, learn whatever was meant to be learned and move on. Unfortunately, it will hurt but we must learn to be able to let go of those toxic people in our lives so that God can bless us with flourishing people. People who will build us up, are there for us and someone we can trust – always…Be willing to accept only the best. We deserve it…
I had a “best friend” for 14 years. We were always there for each other. I gave her loans, some she paid back, some she didn’t. When I ran out of all of my money, & also became handicapped, she started to always yell at me, find fault with me, & told me she has never felt sympathy for people who are sick, no matter who they are. She brought me down. I said Goodbye. Burned my bridges, & feel better without her.
S.A.- That is well put! I’m going to tuck your words in my pocket. I’ve never thought about it that way, but you are totally right. Really helpful, so thanks!
I sometimes think we have a tendency to select friends with whom we are confortable even if the relationship can be damaging. For instance, we may choose friends similar to those we have experienced within a dysfunctional family. Maybe it’s the predictability. Maybe we’re still trying to “fix” the problem.
A mentor friend once advised me to alwaysd associate myself with those who valued me and from whom I could learn and grow-good advice.
Thank you for this coloum. I have just split up with a friend that I have loved for a long time. And it hurt so bad to have to do this. I deserve a good friend, but this friend was more than just a good friend. She was someone whom I could share anyting with without conviction and I shared that with her. Now we are not together anymore and I miss that person. It was like going through a divorce with her. The part about staying with my loneliness and God was the best part and That is what I have been doing and I am feeling better about me.
I really needed to read all of these posts today. I have been hurt also by a supposedly best friend. Live and learn and go on. Don’t be bitter ’cause it can only hurt you more not them. Love life. Smile and move on no matter what you have to do, get over it for yourself. Help someone and feel better.
Thanks for this article, and all of the replies above. I woke up from a dream about a man I fell in love with 22 years ago and have never gotten over and never had closure with. I was feeling very depressed and lonely. I am married to my 3rd husband, and have had difficulty with having a relationship. The words of wisdom have helped me realzie what a mistake I have made with letting my past iinterfere with my present life. My husband is very loyal and loving, but I am pushing him away. The man from my past broke my heart, he was my first and only TRUE love, I fell madly and deeply in love with him. I am going to work very hard to put him behind me and appreciate what I have. Thanks for everyone’s comments and the great article.
Over the years I have come to see people only wanted to be my friend because of the things I do for them. Once I did not have my car anymore or I did not have money to take them out for a night on the town, movies,dinner whatever or if they got a new person in there love life their calls just dropped off. When I would call them they were always on the way out or busy so I just stop calling did not drop by any more and now I am left with no friends at all. But I still have me and one day I will find a true friend who wants to hang out with me even if I don’t have a car now or money to go out to dinner every weekend. Thanks for article it really helps when you just don’t know how to let go of the hurt.
I just recently read something like this.
“Don’t think about people from your past. There is a reason why they didn’t make it in to your future.”
I think if we play around with this, we can also say, ‘There is a reason why some people shouldn’t come in to my future with me.’ (DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?)
I had a friend who lived in another state for almost 30 years. I helped her through the loss of a son, and having a baby when she was 40 in an abusive relationship… several other traumatic things. I even went in an airplane-to see her numerous times….my expense…let her borrow money to pay bills or cover hot checks… we had been through all sorts of good and bad things since high school. But once she got with an ex-con- who was abusive and an alcoholic, drug-addicted man, and I tried to support until he had her arrested and she eventually married him…. and I tried to help her from afar and finally told her mom the truth- so they could try to help her from nearby if anything horrible happened to her or her son, and she just told me that she didn’t need to be friends with me anymore… I was floored. I had invested so much time and money trying to help her, counsel her, support her…. it has been so sad. I tried to be there like no one else ever had….and she just threw it away. I always wondered why she didn’t have any friends in Colorado after living there for 20 years……now I know. Once, we find out the truth and see through her lies….. she just closes the door on us….. it has been unreal! Surreal…….and so sad!
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is come to terms with the fact that not everyone is capable of being a loyal good friend. I was friends with a woman who I felt was verbally abusive, manipulative and emotionally draining. After several attempts to talk to her rationally she told me that I just had to accept her as she is. That is when I decided that being her friend would be making the choice to be continuously taken advantage of. I ended the friendship and feel at peace with it.
I found this article very helpful.
This article helped alot! I ‘broke up’ with my best friend of 2o years 5 months ago. I just couldn’t take her erratic, narcissitic behavior anymore. This is saying ALOT since I am bipolar. There are several steps I need to complete to help me finish my recovery. Thanks.
Thanks for the excellent things you shared and I am going to do my best to hold on to these truths.
Many people wrote of the sadness when they lost a friend they had invested so much into and how it hurt them badly. I think we all need to realize that sometimes we give more than we receive and that maybe we were the one who received more than our fair share in another friendship. I do not mean this in any critical way. I’ve had to realize how I have had times where I could give more than other times.
But, just to prove that life is very unpredictable I had a friend who was being emotionally supportive to me online and I was trying to give back and she got in a bad place through grief and proceeded to dissect me and my failings in an email. I was not stable that day and I literally self-injured. As I’ve been working through this I’ve learned some things and worked on my own issues and decided to let go of this friendship and learn from it. I plan to take my time with new friendships and grow into them and invest more slowly and cautiously. I sometimes offer too much too soon and then regret it later.
I think a person is lucky if they can count on one hand the friends who will always be with them, will support them, and who they can trust with anything.
Recently my friend of 28 years just flat out dumped me. She moved to a new, very exclusive neighborhood and began to socialize with people who had huge homes, took expensive vacations all the time, and went out every weekend to the restaurant of the month.
In the meantime, my husband of 28 years left me for a woman 15 years younger than I am. When I dropped my “friend” a change of address form I wrote her a note to tell her what had happened. I never heard back from her.
After about 6 months I called her to ask her why she would behave this way, and she said she thought we’d both had a bad year and that hopefully things would get better.
I sent her one more email and a Christmas card and never heard from her again. It was like she divorced me when my husband left me. Losing her friendship was almost as painful to me as losing my husband. At this point I have processed the grief and have decided that the end of our friendship is her loss, not mine.
It is important to let go of expectations. When we choose to do something for a person, we should not assume or expect anything from them. This will only set us up for disappointment and rejection when people give us what we were not expecting or don’t give us what we were expecting. When we learn to do things from the heart for others without expecting anything in return, you will find that you can live without the heaviness and burdens that you often feel in relationships. This will also take some of the pressure off when letting people go because you would not feel “cheated.”
In a “perfect world” there would be “total mutual reciprocity”…but we know that we do not live in a “perfect world.”
Hi
Thank you for this post,it speaks volumes to me. I am going through a very similar situation right now, and I can tell you that God is bringing me actually carrying me every step of the way along my journey of healing. In his care.
Lisa D. said: “I think we all need to realize that sometimes we give more than we receive and that maybe we were the one who received more than our fair share in another friendship.”
Lisa, I think this is a GREAT point. Sometimes, we need to end relationships for our own health. The reverse is also true. Sometimes, we may feel that those reasons are justified and other times it may be a mystery.
All anyone can do is their best.
I think S.A.’s point about not expecting things in return is something to chew on. We can choose to stick with someone even if we feel they are treating us badly, but it is always our CHOICE to do that. I do believe in unconditional love. However, we need to be aware of how others affect us, and then base our decisions on our capacity to accept that treatment. There is a breaking point for each of us, and when we find ourselves broken we are unable to fully be there for anyone. Forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to continue the relationship.
I have a friend, we have been friends about 6-7 years. He traumatized me and used me for everything he could, he had a daughter who I love and was named my godchild but I have to let them both go because he is not good for me, he is bad for me…Its not easy, its for myself and my sanity.
K – Great point about forgiveness. I think that we sometimes believe that forgiveness means continuing the relationship. It takes “two” to reconcile a relationship. We are not called to reconcile relationships, especially those that are toxic. But, we are called to forgive one another. Forgiveness is the first step, and it is a conscious step. It has nothing to do with feelings. It is what God expects from us it we expect HIS forgiveness. Keep in mind that forgiveness is a process. It may take some of us a little bit of time…and many of us, a lot of time. CHOOSE to forgive…day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute…and some of us may have to do it second by second. When you choose to forgive, from the heart, it will release the feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment that is killing you. Holding on to unforgiveness is like you drinking poison and expecting the person that wronged you to die. They are continuing on in life, unaffected…Meanwhile, you are dealing with the stress, anger, physical ailments, among other things. Choose life not death. When I use the term “death”, I am speaking of having the fullness of life – joy, peace, happiness, contentment.
I had a friend to betray me after 18 years of friendship. I too saw the signs and thought I was being mature to receive her as she was and we grow together in life. But time proved differently. I’ve let her go and she tried to come back but it was the same as it always was to dump her problems in my spirit. I loved her, prayed for her and released her. I felt if our friendship was only based on my being a listening ear in the time of trouble I was not received as a person. I did not tell her to go get a psychologist to tell her troubles too but that is basically what she needs. I decided to stop being used for my listening ear and stop letting my heart be crushed because I care for people. I agree its my time to select people in my life that compliment me as well as I compliment them. I feel no guilt for loving me. I feel release its those around me who try to push the guilt but I’m learning how to stand strong for myself now. It took 47 years for me to get to this place. I think that has been long enough of me being raped of my own identity that punishes me for embracing my feelings. It feels good to let go. Manipulation is draining. and emotional manipulation is so toxic you can’t even see the extent of it till you back away.
What a wonderful and helpful article!I received it today and I have been going through an end of a 8 year old friendship that ended abruptly and left me baffled and wounded. I have deeply mourned the ending and are saddened but the suddenness of it. I can’t believe older women can behave this way. What has become of our world? We toss people away after sharing ourselves with them. I don’t understand and seek healing . I am slowly getting better.IT will take time. THis has been so helpful.
I have a similar hurtful sitatuion that happend to me last year. A co-worker and I were best friends or so I thought for 8 years. She left to work for another company and came back after 4 months later. I spoke with somone about her interest in returning and it went from there. I take no credit for that but she seems to think I do. Also, when she returned she was very mean to me, and became friends with someone I had been training in a new position. They would lunch together and talk about me I’m sure. She deeply betrayed me and told this person all of my secrets, and they plotted to make my life miserable from then on. I thought she was such a wonderful person, now I don’t trust my judgment of people any more. My faith in others is tainted, and I cried for many months. She never apologized to me and we still work together so I must speak with her on a regular basis and it’s so hard at times, especially now that the person she plotted with has left the company and now she’s nice to me again. I’m not a mean person, but feel fake as I try to relate to her in a professional manner. My heart is healing but it was like loosing someone so promonante and seriously learning to let go. This article has been helpful.
I’m going through this with my current ex-girlfriend and although she’s moved on and even decided to dedicate more time to her current new friend/interest, she still lets me know that she misses me and that she wants me to still stay close. I never let her newfound interest bother me, because I just want her to be happy, and I do let the pain stay because since she was my first major love I’ll never be able to forget her, but I’m glad I read this and now know I’m not alone. Thank you.
I just got the second paragraph in another e-mail. Even if you don’t believe in higher being this is so true. It is who we become after going through all kinds of relationships. Each relationship becomes a part of who we are so if it isn’t working, get out and away.
————
“God doesn’t give you the people you want, He gives you the people you
NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you
into the person you were meant to be.”
————-
All of your submissions have helped me in my situation. Toxic relationships need cleaned out of our lives.
Yes, this article really helped. Approx two years ago, I inherited a large sum of money from an Uncle that died. My longtime friend, since age 6-7, turned on me. She knew about the inheritance, but I never bragged about it; never changed my living habits or spending. She constantly reminded me about fortunate I was. She never took into consideration that my 36 year old daughter has cancer and the on-going stress that I live with and the financial support that I give my daughter. I stopped calling her; seldom see her and she still doesn’t know the reason for our broken friendship. I don’t really care to give her an explanation. She
has never been there for me; makes excuses
for everything. I don’t need her. I suppose I should explain to her that money is not “fortune”. Fortune would be to have a healthy daughter.
I KNOW VERY MUCH HOW HARD IT CAN BE TO HAVE FRIENDS LEAVE YOUR LIFE , AND BOY FRIENDS EX- HUSBAND, WHAT EVER. I MAKE FRIENDS VERY EASILY AS I AM A WARM KIND HEARTED PERSON. I HAD MY HEART BROKEN MANY TIMES BY MANY PEOPLE., AND YES IT HURTS VERY DEEPLY. EVEN PUT ME IN A VERY DEEP DEPRESSION ALSO. IT HAS TAKEN ME A LONG TIME TO GET OVER THIS, BUT IN TIME I DID. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, THEN I FEEL SAD AGAIN. I PRAY FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BROKE MY HEART. I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWER TO WHY PEOPLE DO THIS TO OTHERS.IT IS VERY HARD FOR ANY ONE TO GO ON, BUT WE MUST, OR WE WILL JUST DWELL IN THE PAST AND NEVER GET OVER IT.WE CAN NEVER FORGET, BUT WE CAN FORGIVE, THAT IS WHAT GOD WANTS US TO DO. AND JUST TRY OUR BEST TO GO ON.
I am so glad to read regularly about your articles about Life in general. I just went to my psychologist yesterday, and it’s like getting an email of her, about the broken relationship.and the steps to take after that. I will print out your article, because I have to read it every day to remind me , that life goes on. It’s a shame of myself because I bought the book of the four agreements, like 6 months ago and haven’t read it yet. I could spare some pain,instead of thinking how to go on, but I will.
thanks a lot
I suffered a totally unexpected loss of my best friend about 18 months ago. We had been best friends literally since the day we were born. We were born the same day, same year, same hospital, and our Mothers shared a semi-private room. We were side-by-side in the nursery due to alphabetical placement at the time. We grew up in the same church. I cannot remember a time when she was not in my life. We went through all of life’s events together – and we spent all of our time together. We went through all the middle school dramas, high school boyfriend problems, choosing colleges, each other weddings, were there for the birth of each of our children, had our children grow up together, spent holidays, vacations, and just everyday life together. We were so connected, we even went 8 yrs in a row sending each other the same birthday card! We had almost an innate ability to know what the other was thinking. We had plans on how we would one day take care of each other in our old age. We are both 51 yrs old. From childhood abuse that this friend witnessed and helped me through, I began to have PTSD symptoms and anxiety disorders. I became anorexic and had to be hospitalized (at age 43). My friend was supportive for she knew exactly why and what caused my breakdown. Even through my years of illness I did as much as I could to hold up my end of the friendship. She started her own business and I helped her with a lot of prep work to get her store open. I would go and clean her house and do her laundry because she was so caught up with her store and I knew how much she loves order in her home. She had a beach place and for more than 10 yrs we went down to it for a week once a quarter. We always had a blast together. We never fought because we just were so much alike we agreed on almost everything. Suddenly, one night I received a very nasty email from my friend. She actually made a list of what I had to agree to do to remain her friend. She accused me of using my illness to get attention. She had never talked to me in such horrible terms. I was stunned and so hurt. I wrote her back a short email telling her that friendshuip was unconditional and, no, I would not agree to her list of demands. I thought she would think on it and realize how ridiculous her note had been and apologize and we would work through it and keep going. I never heard back from her. My abusive father died and she knew all the emotions I had connected to this. She did not do anything but leave me a very short message on my answering machine when she knew I would not be home just saying only that she had seen that my father had died. That was it. She did not send flowers, a card, did not come to my Mother’s house (who was like her 2nd Mother) or the funeral. I was so hurt. I just found out yesterday that her younger daughter (who was like a daughter to me) has been battling non-Hodgkins lymphomna. She had not let me know through any channel about her child who I care very much about. This was a situation of life and death and she did not even make any attempt to let me know. I guess she really has no interest in having me in her life for any reason at any time. I do not understand it and I have no idea why all this happened. I have been dealing with it although it is still painful because there are still times when I naturally want to tell her about something and then remember the harsh reality that she no longer is in my life. Short of her death, nothing could have hurt me more. I never thought there would be a day when she was not a huge part of my life. It made my husband so angry he does not want me to even mention her name. They had even been friends and went to NFL football games together. The 3 of us did things together all the time. He feels nearly as betrayed as I do. This has been so hard but I am trying to just accept it and move on. It is really hard to just wipe out 50 years of a best friendship. It had helped me to see other storied where others with long friendships suddenly also lost them for reasons they do not understand. I am not happy that it happened to anyone, but it is comforting to know you are not alone in this experience. It did help me to finally go through and throw out everything from our past – dating all the way back to our childhood. I threw out all the cards she had sent me over the years, all the pictures of us, all the things she ever gave me, and all the pictures I had just finished editing from her older daughter’s wedding. I had been the secondary photographer and had over 600 pictures from the wedding and reception that I deleted. We had friendship bracelets from middle school that I threw mine away. I sold all the Christmas ornamnents we had mutually collected over the years. I had been working on a scrapbook of our friendship from our birth certificates to baby pictures to high school pictures of us together, to trips together, and I threw it all out. In a way it was revenge for it allowed me to “dump” her like she had so easily discarded me. I wish healing for all of you who have been betrayed from a place you last expected.
After 2 years of Hell over past friendships…I use that word lightly…I am on my way to full recovery. This was the saddest time of my life, but it has taught me a very valuable lesson….Be careful who you let into your soul. Thx for the article. It appears after all of this time, I am doing most of the things on the list! Sooooo…YAY!
You have put in words that reflect how I feel about the ending to some friend?ships. I have been remembering two nasty words someone called me years ago. I realize those words fit her – not me. Timely indeed. I spoke about her for the first time in a therapy session yesterday. A good ending for me and it went away quietly.
I met my best friend when i wa 5. that was 39 yrs ago. I never had another friendship that was so special or meant so much. Her grand parents passed away a couple yrs ago and she inherited millions. Ever since she has no time for me or any of her other friends. And actually became mean with her words, blaming me for not having time for her. Even though I continued to ask when we could get together for lunch or anything, on her time schedule. Ater 2-3 yrs of this, her mean words and such. I have finally given up. It still hurts but what hurts the most is that I have realized recently that i don’t miss her like i used too. I guess it was meant to be over. (?)
Wow!! the timing of this article appearing in my email,,,,Recently had a 10 1/2 yr relationship end and Im a bit of a mess (understatement),,,I see am going to be re-visting this article
As with others who have posted this article is timely for me. I have problems leaving toxic relationships of any kind&I seem to repeatedly end up in toxic relationships of all kinds. I liked what S.A. said about forgiveness-it’s something I don’t know how to do-I just get worked up over past&present hurts&never feel joy. I’d love to read some articles/postings on people like me who just can’t seem to forgive&forget but re-live the pain again&again&people like me who seem to pick nothing but toxic people to be in my life because I’m so desperate for love&attention.
it never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be.
I lost a friend of 9 years due to “friend divorce”. It was awful. I grieved for her as if she had passed away.
But i am here to say, it will get better. I promise. It will take a lot of time. Give yourself the space to grieve. But also give yourself a time frame for wellness too.
Eventually you will see, that you will only dream of your ex-friend once a year. You will have the hindsight to see, that though you were close, perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest relationship.
And you will see that you would not be the person you will have grown into, with out this trauma. I was lucky in that I had closure because I was informed that it wasn’t my fault, and then I had proof when someone who loves me, confirmed it with an honest conversation with the ex-friend.
Still, I take my share of responsibility. But I know, I would not be the capable, strong, saved, person I am today had I not experienced it.
My heart goes out to all of you. God has a good plan for your life. Trust Him.
peace & (((hugs))))
I have related to this article and reading everyones comments has really helped me remember that this situation happens everyday. My roomate who i have been friends with for a few years just recently told me she no longer would like to pursue our friendship because she feels it has become unhealthy. She told me this after i asked her if she would have her new boyfriend to please stay the night a little less because she was having him over every night and i was feeling like i was being takin advantage of. A year ago she suggested that we make a rule that we have friends/boyfriends stay the night no more than 3 times a week. My boyfriend at the time was staying the night alot back then so she felt uncomfortable so i agreed and have honored the rule ever since. She recently has gotten a new boyfriend who has been staying the night everynight wich was making me feel uncomfortable. Each week she tells me he is staying extra because she knows the rule she made up. It was going on every week. I ran into her boyfriends roomate and he told me he had to kick him out so i automatically assume she was letting him stay with us. I confronted them in a loving manner and they said he was still living with his old roomate but was in the process of moving. A few days later she told me he was going to be staying extra again because he was moving into a new place the following week. I suggessed that when that happens if he could stay a little less for a while so that things could get back to normal and have some privacy. She said that didnt make sense and if i dont agree with what she does then she would like to dicontinue our friendship. i told her I’m sorry you feel that way but I never agreed to live with a couple and her boyfriend stays the night everynight. Then she said we can discontinue our living arangement. I asked her how and if she was going to move out because if so she would need to give me at least 30days notice. We have never had any major problems the whole time we have lived together until she got together with her new boyfriend. Now i want to move out as well and we are stuck living with each other for now until one of us saves up enough money to move out. It really hurts how these kind of situation happens and losing a friend after being there for her after years of friendship and feeling as though she has just forgotten about her friends because her new boyfriend is more important to her than anything else. And i just wish I could feel comfortable in my own home but now its uneasy being in their presence like my stomach is being squeezed real tight and slight anxiety all the time in the place where I should feel comfortable and at peace.
L.T.-I would like to recommend a great book called Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. This book was an eye opener for me and I recommend it to many people. Trying to forgive in your own strength will prove difficult to say the least, but if you ask God to take the burden of walking in forgiveness you may find it to be easier. Keep in mind…it is a process. This is something you will need to walk out, and talk out – literally. When you feel the urge of unforgiveness creeping up, try “Blessing” the person that wronged you. This will take the burden off of you and again allow God to step in and fight your battle for you. I admit, it is not an easy task, but you will find that as you begin the process it becomes easier and quicker to forgive.