I’m always looking for patterns in people’s actions and temperament. You know that old joke? “The world is divided into two groups: people who divide the world into two groups, and people who don’t.” I’m definitely in the first category.
I love learning about patterns, such as the “service heart,” and I get a tremendous thrill whenever I manage to identify some new pattern myself. Abstainers and moderators. Over-buyers and under-buyers. Alchemists and leopards.
Here’s a new phenomenon I’ve tentatively identified: oppositional conversational style.
A person with oppositional conversational style is a person who, in conversation, disagrees with and corrects whatever you say. He or she may do this in a friendly way, or a belligerent way, but this person frames remarks in opposition to whatever you venture.
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Yes I’ve observed this too and read about it in the NLP literature. In Shelle Rose Charvet’s, Words that Change Minds, for example. I think in NLP it’s called mismatching and as you have said, a way of making sense of the world through opposition.
In children, it is labeled Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Somehow by the time we become adults, the DSMII eliminates this as an adult disorder. Personally, I would like research psychologists to follow-up on this issue. I see adult OPD everywhere I look, especially in politics.
I find that I do that at times although I believe I have gotten much better. What I can say from my experience that going through life feeling left out argument is my way of asserting control where I feel I lacked. I often argued my point without the proper facts to back it up. I was arguing for the sake of arguing. I can’t say that it’s the same reasoning for everyone, but feeling like a victim can enable me to lash out in a variety of ways, including arguing anything and everything.
On that note, do you find any of that in yourself? You have put a great deal of work into asking the question, “why are they like that”, over the simple matter of trivial argument.
I assume that people who use OCS get some sort of satisfaction out of it, or they wouldn’t do it. My tactic is to deprive them of their satisfaction. I won’t let them get a rise out of me. When they start in on me, I will affect a complete lack of affect, answer with monosyllabic grunts, and yawn in their face.
They seem to find that rather unsettling, and quickly leave me alone.
ever try asking a nlp coach to answer the simple WHAT? that scares the hell out of both the abuser who KNOWS they have divine right to trat you loke dreck, works even better on nlp coaches makes them do something they don’t like to do; think.
Excellent description of a particular conversational style that is not really that common, but is sooooooo distinctive. I have a neighbor who does this, and it is strikingly strange and alienating. He seems like a nice guy, but it isn’t possible to agree with him or acknowledge any points he’s making because all affirmations are argued against. He’s on my “avoid” list.
I told one of my co-workers he has oppositional conversation disorder (he does). He disagreed. We pointed out that by disagreeing he was proving the point. He disagreed. (by now we’re laughing). We told him, ok then he’s right and of course, he disagreed (and by then we were crying laughing).
Thanks and this deserves more investigation.
For the first guy, I can’t tell you, but for the second, I notice you kept making assumptions about her feelings and experience (fun/difficult). Don’t blame her when she corrects you. Try phrasing it as “I would have found that difficult” instead of “that must have been difficult”.
Yes, it’s not uncommon. I’ve never heard the OCS term b4 but know the term ‘the devils advocate’ since childhood .. Dominance by opposition. Easy 2c it in others & noticed it in myself decades ago. It seems 2b a control mechanism & several types of culprits spring to mind.Professional sales people do this.Politicians predictably do this.A lot of drinkers are keen on this approach.Boring people with vague agendas that need to dominate.It seems 2b mostly unproductive, tiring & yes I avoid them… Still if someone I know does this & I point it out, typically they deny everything to the point we are laughing at it,(seems I just read that!) but then later they will be doing it again, sometimes in the most complex & insidious of ways.I notice it a lot as I enjoy talking & listening to people.Meantime I’m just pleased to see the phenomena packaged in a neat little term..’oppositional conversational style’…10 points for the term & I’m keen to learn & hear more on a conversational style that has probably been around since humans began communicating…you know…it’s not this it’s something else…your wrong, I’m dominant.
I just read about this in Reader’s Digest. My husband has become this the more he ages. He was always a strong type A guy – but as he is aging he
has had to withdraw somewhat from activities due to the exascerbation of this condition. At times he is just my dear husband, and at times it does not matter what the conversation is about or what the facts are. I wonder if he is becoming senile? He is 74. He has become confrontation in public, at his job, with friends and of course with me. I have found that if I do not enter conversation when he is in this mode, it passes.
I do not know what to do, he refuses medical evaluation of any kind. I love my husband!
It seems that I am one of those who practice this style of conversing, even though I am totally oblivious to it. My husband gets so frustrated, asking why I argue with everything he says. To me I’m just making a comment. If anything it feels like I’m defending myself or my opinion, because what he has said is the opposite of what I think. So I say how I see things, and it’s argueing. Maybe I just don’t communicate well. I certainly do not intend to insult or demean, or control. Anyone have ideas on how I can change this?
Better yet help me understand Why it is oppositional. You say X is important(your opinion) I say Y is important (my opinion). This seems like the start of a good debate/conversation. Should I just agree with you? For what IS conversation without differing opinions?
It’s real. I have a friend who does this repeatedly. I looked this up because I am desperate to find a way to cope with it without losing a friend. This is not the same as starting a debate. It’s simply a reflex reaction on her part to whatever I say. I agree with whoever said it’s not common. I’ve only encountered it a few times in my 82 years, but it is really hard to overlook or cope with. For instance, I say “I like to shop at “X” store rather than a national chain.” She: “They aren’t local. They live in Green Valley.” (“They” are a couple who own a one-off store in our community.) I’d like to know if there’s any non-threatening way to combat this behavior?
My question is “what, if anything, can I do to respond – maybe put a stop to – this behavior in a non-threatening way so that I do not lose a friend. My experience is that it’s not common. I’ve met only a few persons who behave this way in my 82 years but it’s very hard to deal with. I end up feeling deflated, crushed and helpless, thinking that if I react in any way, I’ll lose a valued friend. Our conversations have progressively, over the years, gotten more and more oppositional, so that I’m wondering how valuable the friendship really is. Example: I said I preferred to shop at (store) rather than national chain (niche market). She said “They aren’t local. They live in (town 40 miles away). “They” are a couple running a very small business. See what I mean? It would not be a problem if it weren’t an everyday occurrence (the OCS).
I had a friend who had this disorder. It took some time for me to identify it and learn how to handle it. In this case, I changed my assertions and responses from objective to subjective, and it worked, most of the time.
For example: She would say that something I said or did made her think something. I would respond by asking her if she wanted to tell me about it. My response to that would be to tell her how it made me feel.
I found that it was easy for her to argue against me when I made a objective statement like “It seems like something is this or that,” it left me open. When I made a subjective statement that did not involve her, like “It makes me feel a certain way,” she could not argue directly against feelings. Rather, she would inquire or comment about my feelings in an agreeable or disagreeable way.
It was not a solution, of course; but it did change the dynamics enough that I could stand to be around her when she was like that.
I want to mention that one of my bothers does this annoying thing. He has become quite adept at identifying varied responses to his style; inasmuch as he has figured out many ways to counteract most attempts to “handle” him.
Because of his skills in this style, I, and others, are unable to have constructive conversation with him.
For example: If he is asked to discuss his style, he responds with something that intimates paranoia on the part of the inquirer. It’s very interesting, and I think he would be a wonderful subject to study, but I doubt anyone would ever get the opportunity.
In his case, I have found that the most effective means for dealing with him is to identify what he wants, if anything. If I can help him with that, without compromising my integrity, he’s a happy camper and we get along. When I cannot do that, I almost always have to make an exit for myself.
It’s nice to know that others have recognised this conversation pattern also. I have a friend who responds oppositionally to all discussions put forward by myself but not necessarily to others. I have also noticed that I have a tendency to also be oppositional to my mother (who has a demanding personality) in conversation (she is 76 and I am 51). As a result of being on the receiving and giving end it appears that oppositional tendencies tend to raise their head when you feel negative about a person, have low self esteem and need to exert control.
Its a control issue! I am creeper out by it and steer clear, so that they can not direct their personal issues at me. With these people, there’s a strong need to insult the person they’re talking to. They assume that everyone else is too stupid to get their superior point, and need to be brought into line with the correct thoughts.
My supervisor on the survey crew will say “No, you’re wrong”, or “That’s not right”, or “That’s not true”, or “No it isn’t/wasn’t” to anything that I say. I’m not talking about a difference of opinion during a conversation, but a blunt, almost hostile reaction to even the most mundane thing that I say.
I started writing down all the times he did that, and getting my facts straight, and in the 40 times I remember him telling me I was wrong, it turns out that I was right 72% of the time.
I don’t tell him this, of course, because I’d probably find myself out of a job.
Some examples:
We were driving through a town,on the way to work,and I noticed that the Robin’s Diner had been replaced by a Humpty’s. He said “No it wasn’t”. I replied that I lived here for 5 years, and I went there all the time, which was true. He became visibly angry, and didn’t talk for an hour.
I said that my aunt was in a sanitarium for T.B when she was young. He said that a sanitarium is only for mental problems. The definition of sanitarium specifically mentions T.B.
I said the O.S.S changed to the C.I.A after W.W.2. He said ” No it didn’t”. It did.
And on and on like this.
He’s a good guy to work for, but the way that he declares, with absolute certainty, that I’m always wrong used to bug me. Now it just amuses me because I know I’m usually right, or at least not 100% wrong every time.