This guest article from YourTango was written by Carin Goldstein.
I know a lot of women whose husbands’ alpha male wiring goes to a whole other level. Unfortunately, many of these wives are in denial of their husband’s behavior because, for whatever reason, they don’t want to confront the issue. Here are six clues that your partner may be acting more bully than just alpha:
1. He blames you for things that aren’t your fault.
For example, when the dishwasher breaks, he immediately attacks and assumes you’re to blame, saying, “What did you do to the dishwasher!?”
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Good information…although gender biased. I guess that there is always an implied “this could be a husband or wife” in any article like this, but it does seem “He” driven. I’ve experienced each of these as a husband, and it is no less hurtful or belittling coming from a wife as it coming from a husband.
It is unseemly to put “he/she” in every sentence, but there are plenty of good husbands out there who are bullied, and don’t (or won’t) report or seek help because they feel “I’m the man…I can’t get bullied”. But it does happen. Let’s recognize that it happens both ways and maybe more of those in need of help will have the self-confidence to seek it.
Yeah, cuz it’s only men bullying women in relationships.
Veritas,
Thank you so much for your honest comments and well said insight…please make sure you read in detail my comments to “Dad” at the top…I think it will help speak to your understood thoughts/feelings…
Best,
Carin Goldstein “Be the Smart Wife”
Is there any reason for making this article blatantly sexist? Frankly, emotional bullying and manipulation are more the territory of women in my experience.
I thought “Man bad, woman good” reached its high point with Phil Donahue.
Hi there…Thank you so much for your honest comments – well said and smart…please make sure you read in detail my comments to “Dad” at the top…I think it will help speak to your understood thoughts/feelings…
Best,
Carin Goldstein “Be the Smart Wife”
Hey Guys…thank you so much for your honest comments and well said insight…please make sure you read in detail my comments to “Dad” at the top…I think it will help speak to your legitimate comments…
Best,
Carin Goldstein “Be the Smart Wife”
What condescending, repetitive and superficial comments from Carin Goldstein.
Yeah, I know, my honest comment was smart and insightful. And I’ll make sure I read in detail your comments to “Dad” at the top … I think it will help speak to my legitimate comments …
To Carin and whoever wrote this article:
It seems evident, both from reading the article and from the commentary left in response that this article, while well meaning, is another exercise in man bashing. Any article that discusses problems, clashes, or illegality by one group against another needs to be balanced.
To be fair, I’ll start with men.
Men, stereotypically, tend to express their displeasure or lack of satisfaction directly and show anger. Generally (and not all men) men tend to confront what they don’t like, in the hopes of resolving it.
Women, stereotypically, tend to “nag” when they upset. They want to use the route of emotional manipulation to get the other person to agree with their narrative and their POV.
Bullies, however, come in all colors, both genders, and in every religious stripe. Bullies pick out people who won’t fight back – physically and or emotionally. Size, gender, age, and all other factors are irrelevant.
To simply put “does HE do [x]” suggests that women are these passive wall flowers who meekly endure men’s boorish behavior. Um, have you dated lately?
In our current PC culture we can’t even TALK about stereotypical bad female behavior.
With men, we know, discuss, and have codified remedies to stereotypical bad male behavior. We know men can be / are hyper-focused, aggressive, brusque, direct, independant, and sometimes aloof emotionally. We channel those behaviors in boys and set boundries and punish boys when they stray beyond those boundries.
With girls we can’t even start the discussion about stereotypes of bad female behavior without someone crying “Misogynist!”
Women, stereotypically, are hypersensitive to criticism, react more with emotion than logic, gossip and use back door methods to attack others. Violence by proxy (either social or legal) is a normal outgrowth of this form of aggression.
Also, while men, when unhappy or upset, tend to get angry (a motivator) and take direct action – while women use the emotional outcry to “rally the troops” by playing the victim to get others to help.
When we can even handedly discuss how both genders commit wrongs, how they deal with problems, and how they (really we) are different – and how to set boundries and punishment for each set of behaviors we can then have a balanced discussion.
Give it some thought.
So I am NOT seeing the authors response to Dad yet.
Some of those aren’t signs that someone is a bully or a nasty person. Yes a nasty person and a foolish one, is one that treats servers like rubbish, but why worry? It’s their food that will get spat in.
Some of those grips though, are common complaints, that these women should look to their own behaviour first:
1. He blames you for things that aren’t your fault.
- She slams around, sulking and breaks the dishwasher door off it’s hinge. Then she denies it when you were sitting in plain view. Now you definitely can’t afford to buy her more shoes as you now need a new dishwasher.
2. He talks to you like you are a child.
- She acts like a child, shouting and screaming in public, when you said you were too busy to bow down to all her demands she had planned for you the next week. You quietly ask her to grow up, embarrassed as people think you’re a paedophile, then they realise up close, you just have a spoilt woman acting like a baby.
5. He criticizes your character and possibly even your children.
- Her kids from a past relationship scratch your car, punch you and tear up your clothing, but their bad behaviour isn’t little Wendy’s fault or even hers. How dare you suggest the girl needs guidance or discipline, you’re violating her human rights. How dare you suggest to your partner that slapping a bloke for amusement isn’t funny. God you must be one of those men with no sense of humour as there’s nothing wrong with her character or behaviour.
What the hell is lawyer syndrome???
6. He suffers from “lawyer syndrome.”
I haven’t got my headphones to hand, but I followed her youtube link and it was saying something about cucumbers or something on the audio transcription service. Probably made more sense than what she had to say however.
Hey Carin you got my exwife pegged there. Whycome you only put it on men though? I have seen this type of behavior from both sexes and primarrilly in women.
Hi. The comments made all have merit as we’re all at different points on the suffering/perpetrating spectrum. I’m female, married (with children) and have found that both men and women are bullies – at home and in the work place. Actually, bullies are usually insecure, narcissistic manipulators – and not gender specific. My husband, his mother and his cousin are all bullies and use very different tactics to control, belittle and ‘paralyse’ their victims. My observation is that it’s all about CONTROL. You have to be very ‘switched on’ and have good friends and counsellors to withstand these people – particularly if there’s more than one and they’re in the family. Bless you!!!
I agree with you…my husband is a bully too. He’s a controlling freak in and out of the bed. This is the only way I can vent. He made sure that I had no friends in the 30 years I’ve been married to him.
Excellent article. This is exactly how my husband behaves. Thankyou.
yes, good article. It’s exactly as Ms E says…sadly, my husband behaves like this too. Bully’s never change. Mine hasn’t in the 30 years I’ve know him.
Dear Ms E, you’re most certainly welcome…thanks for the comment!
I love the post. It’s geared toward women but I am sure that men could benefit. Stop being judgmental and just adjust it to your situation.