All romantic relationships have challenges and require some work. Being in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s syndrome (AS) can create an additional challenge, according to psychologist Cindy Ariel, Ph.D, in her valuable book, Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome.
That’s because you and your partner think and feel very differently, she says. And that leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding and miscommunication.
In her book, Ariel provides wise advice and practical exercises to help you improve your relationship and overcome common obstacles. (She suggests keeping a journal to record your responses.) Here are five ideas you might find helpful.
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What a lovely article. I have lots of Aspie traits, and I’m trying to find the words to articulate what the world is like for me. Your example of a partner being sick is EXACTLY what has happened to me recently. She thinks I don’t care and hates me for it. I thought I was doing a great job looking after everything while she was in bed for 4 weeks. It’s a two way street – and I love finding explanations that work regardless of a diagnosis or not … The world is full of clever people. If only it were full of more compassionate people
It saddens me to read that anyone other than a fellow asp would actually engage in a relationship with someone deeply afflicted with aspergers.
To my mind, that’s tantamount to being in an abusive or neglectful relationship that simply can never satisfy the needs of someone not afflicted with the disorder.
As an ex-wife who married at a time in which these behaviors we’re not attributed to a condition, my life was extremely and negatively effected. Having a child who inherited this condition and for many years, was undiagnosed, it was that much more difficult to understand why my child was difficult, unaffectionate, disloyal, inconsiderate on every possible level, rude and totally without any sense of relating to me as someone who has spent all these years as well as the balance of my life savings in an effort to invest in them, despite the total lack of return on all of that sacrifice.
I’d be happy after all that sacrifice if my child liked anyone, found their way to not hate everyone or not venture into circumstances that were not bizarre or risky or inappropriate.
All I can say is as a mother to a grown child like this is to anyone who comes in their path – run. If my child is an example of those afflicted with asp to an extreme degree, do not ever buy into the idea that people who are deeply afflicted with this disorder will ever develop the capacity to respond with compassion. At the very best, they can be trained to fake compassion and a sense of appropriateness. On the extreme spectrum, you will put yourself at great peril and emotional disappointment if you willingly involve yourself with people who are at the extreme of this disorder.
I have to agree. As someone who married a woman for her intellect and not knowing her dark secret -Asperger’s primarily marked by control and egocentrism. All the recommendations I see put the burden on NT’s for making relationships work, which feeds into the egocentrism. My only recommendation is to walk away no matter how appealing an AS person may seem. It will end in pain.
I couldn’t disagree more with you or the post above yours!!!! Your wife and above posts son probably have a personality disorder on top of AS. My son and husband both have As, and my son is very compassionate, not all aspies are completely cold careless beings. My husbands is a little more sever, yet he cares and loves deeply well. He tries very hard to make sure he meets my needs and understands his disorder and compensates as much as possible..He gives me everything I need and I am very in love and happy. Now I’m not saying there aren’t challengers , but I’m saying its can still be a very happy healthy relationship for both parties!!! And as for saying its all on the NT, not true .we both make mistakes, but we all do AS or NT. For anyone to say run from a relationship with a aspie, especially a mother, is sickening..my son and husband function as well as they do because of strong family ties, proper treatment and patience and love I’m going to guess there was a very cold mother raising this poor child that was being referred to in the above post. My nephew is severely,AS and will NEVER live or function on his own, and he is not as bad or evil as this mother describes her child. Yes he needs help and lacks abilities but he loves, cares and tries!!!!!
Thank you so much for this article! I think it might have saved my relationship! I could not understand why my boyfriend left me alone apart from giving me a pain killer when I was suffering with terrible cramps. I said I needed him and he replied “You do not need me, nothing will happen to you if I leave you. You cannot emotionaly black mail me into wanting to sit with you or you!” Similar things happened for around the first year of our relationship. After he had been extremely cold, unloving or tactless I’d scream at him “Why are you so cruel to me sometimes!” He would walk out of his own flat and stay out until he thought I might have stopped crying.
He was so lovely though for 70% of the time I knew we could save it. We put your advice into practice and the difference is astonishing! We have apologised to each other for the past as we understand better now. We love and cherrish each other more every day. THANK YOU xx
I think my husband has some minor Asperger’s disorder. I try to understand and empathize but I think he is literally incapable of doing the same. I KNOW he loves and I love him. The problem is that he’s never been diagnosed. If I try to explain that he and I just see the world differently (I would never actually diagnose him myself for sure), he gets offended– like I think I’m smarter than he is. I don’t think I’m generally smarter than him. But, I do understand emotion better than he does. I don’t know how to communicate with him in a way he understands and doesn’t make him shut down. Today, I got irritated because I have almost NO space in our room. It’s not totally his fault, but that doesn’t make it less true. So when he asked me to not use his dresser to set down my coffee, I got irritated. I understand why he didn’t want it but he doesn’t understand that I’m frustrated that I don’t have any space. Because he didnt’ understand, he blew it off “It’s just a coffee cup. It’s stupid to get upset over a coffee cup.” I could not find words to explain it’s not the coffee cup. “It’s that I have no space and when I tried to tell you that, you didn’t hear me. And that hurts!” but he doesn’t understand.
And because he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t understand… he isn’t going to do any exercises to build our understanding. So what do I do? I know he loves me… but sometimes we don’t speak the same language.
These are not “Tips” . This is a list of emotional and physical compromises you will have to make, assuring that all is for the benefit of the AS partner, and the NT partner has to cater to them and suck it up, and my favorite (and by that I mean “horrifying” )phrase I see in almost every single article like this: “The NT partner must accept that your emotional needs must be met outside the marriage or relationship.” Whaaat?? These are extremely highly functioning people who have the wherewithal to find partners and get themselves into relationships, as well as achieve so much in their lives. I disagree with the idea that they are not “capable” of adult relationships. Speaking from my life experience, my partner was coddled because of his musical ability and not expected to have to grow up. He is now a multiple PhD, 56 years old, I am only the 2nd relationship he has ever had, and his first lasted 18 years punctuated by his girlfriend LITERALLY finding her emotional and physical needs outside the relationship. Continually, and publicly. She is also – sadly – one of his “fixations” and reliving moments from their bizarre life is a “comfort place” for him. I find it hard when our counselor tells me I need to encourage his fixations, even though she knows the whole story – just because he has AS. This is not a mental handicap. He knows right from wrong, he knows how this makes me feel, AND when it is laid out in front of him, admits that it makes no sense and looks very, very bad for him and he cannot explain why he blocks out all bad memories and clings to his made-up reality that he would like to think happened. To the detriment of the Present, and Me and Us. I am waiting to hear advice or a blog that says “AS people are highly intelligent and may need to have NT feelings and reactions explained, but having AS and using it as an excuse for unacceptable behavior, “This is just the way I am! I can’t give you any more!” is beyond the pale. No one emerges from childhood knowing exactly how to have an adult relationship, both partners ahve to learn and have to want to learn – to not put the onus for the entire relationship on the NT partner saying “You have to be the emotional caretaker for your partner, lower your expectations of marriage and relationships, be understanding that for every horrifying thing they may say to you – you are not to take it personally. ” Basically – most articles and “tips” say: it is your job to be a doormat. I don’t accept that. If my partner can get doctorates in Math & Physics and also be an accomplished musician, he can certainly be expected to understand when I say “when you do “A” it makes it seem like you don’t care or are indifferent to me. It’s not enough to begrudgingly apologize long after the fact; if this comes up again could you make an effort to remember this past situation and learn from it? Just like I do with you.”
Nowhere in this article does it suggest that people with Asperger’s can only get their emotional needs met outside a relationship with a significant other.
Instead, this article focuses on what both people in the relationship can do to help improve the quality of their relationship and their communication in the relationship.
I don’t see anywhere in this article where we suggest the non-Asperger’s person has to be a “doormat.” Instead, it notes the challenges people with Asperger’s often face — especially in a relationship — and how their partner can help with those challenges.
All relationships take work and effort to maintain them. Asperger’s romantic relationships are no different, but some of the effort or work may be slightly different than the kind of work a non-Asperger’s relationship experiences. That’s all.
Dr. Grohol
Your remarks don’t deeply appreciate the profound dilemma for the NT partner. That partner does not experience, in most marital interactions, the “soul” of intimacy–that is, the connectedness, the “mirroring” of their self, the “you start a sentence and I will finish it” moments, the empathy,the spontaneity and much more. In most cases, communication is driven by the AS partner’s limited, very cognitive and rigid style. If communication is 93% non-verbal and 7% verbal, that means the NT partner gives 93% but only gets 7%. Please try to understand how unlevel the playing field is when you give advice to NY partners! Annie
Also I am curious why all these negative posters would be reading an article on ways to improve a relationship with your AS partner?? Hmm, weird, I think. If you all say run, don’t do it, it’s all about catering to the AS partner, the why are you wasting your time reading this article??? ,
Happy Wife, you are lucky to be with an aspie who works with you. Don’t judge others until you walk a mile in their shoes. I am speaking of the adult Aspie. All Aspies are different. Some may refuse a diagnosis and some may refuse to try anything to improve the areas that may need a little improving for the NT. I agree that many articles put alot on the NT and many NTs rise to the challenge but what happens when the Aspie refuses to do anything in return? What happens when they refuse the physical part of a marriage? Are NTs supposed to look elsewhere for that!? Sorry, that’s not a marriage to me. I’m sure there are Aspies out there who are loving, empathetic in their way, giving, etc. but just as many are the opposite. After three, unsupported, sexless years I couldn’t take it anymore. I had no more to give without getting some affection on return. Being with my particular Aspie was a lonely, lonely life.
Your reply to Macushla was extremely well put, Dr. Grohol. I agree 100%. I am a female aspie and the more articles (my husband and I) read like THIS…the better understanding we form of one another. Information and exercises like this help our relationship grow and takes the love and appreciatian we have for each other to a greater level!
Hi, I have been in a realationship with a guy four four years and we both think that he has AS, I am a therapist so have been able to idenitify lots of traits and he has looked at lots of information and agrees with me. I believe his son has AS also.
I love this dearly but every time with have a disagreement, usually because he has completely mis-read a situation or me… he bolts off and just completely cuts contact for a few days/weeks or until I contact him.
Is this normal behaviour?
Any comments very much appreciated, as I want to try and make the relationship work but cannot keep going through this
Exactly Macushla, If they are so intelligent to understand deep complexities of maths and universe and what not, it is not difficult to understand a simple sentence like please make me sleep by hugging every night aleast, if you can not talk, except your science stuff and as simple as wish everyone a good morning in the morning.
Sometimes I feel if AS even exist or it is used as cocoon to defend people who are either cold or lazy to put in any efforts in relationships.
19 years on with a so called aspie and nothing works in front of his ego, his selfishness and stupidity.
I have tried all sorts of stuff. Sadly, I am into deep depression and prefers to stay alone in dark room rather than dealing with him where even a yes or a no is difficult to get out of him.
I cry and then stop and sleep and wake up like a robot. End of story , no talking with anyone(literally) and getting mentally disturbed. Looks like soon I am going to lose balance.
I am scared for my children who are normal but still need me around.Can’t an Aspie see that?
I understand completely what you are saying about being concerned for your children. Aspie parents struggled to nurture their children and get to know them. With a lack of warmth, tender affection, and communication, a child can feel emotionally rejected by their parent even though they may have all of their physical needs taken care of. This is not to say that an Aspie parent does not love their children. That is far from the truth. Remember it is the child’s experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child. AS live life focused on their own needs and wants and is misses what is going on with others such as, spouse and children.
I virtually have a life-time of experience living with an AS husband. I married him when I was seventeen years old; he was six years older, through college intelligent, but emotionally immature. My relationship to my husband fit like a hand into a glove. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. I married a man that fit into my understanding of life; I had absolutely no knowledge of what “normal” was. I really believed that everything that was wrong in my relationship was my fault. I went to therapy for years and couldn’t figure out what the problems were. Long story, I could write a book about it. The short and the simple is please get help from a therapist that is familiar with Aspergers syndrome. Your children need you to be strong for them so get help for your children too. If I knew what I know today I would have “never” stayed married to him. I understand your struggle. You will be in my prayers.
I have just discovered that I am married to someone who has so many apergers traits it is not funny. We have been married for 32yrs and the traits have only just come to the fore in a BIG way as in the past I have been manipulated into doing what he wants and the chn have finaly left home. There is just him and me and it is so hard as he has cut off all my contacts, is moody ( one of the aspie traits to control) . HE is extremely intelligent but makes excuses for affection until I was walking out the other day. It all came the for for about 2 days until he got what he wanted now he is back to is usual self. I think it is just a cover/excuse to blame,control and get their own way. Will I stay? I have no idea at the moment but I am under a psych to help me out of the deep depths of dispair. My question is, Why can they do and understand things they want to when they want to but if I ask him, i get the moods, grunts,frustrating behaviour and it is all my fault apparently.So tired of being alone in a relationship.So tired of being controlled. we go where he wants to when he wants to, how he wants to end of story. Good luck and I am glad to see others out there like me and I am really not alone in this.
I could not agree more with Annies comments. It is all very fine to say’ what about the Aspie’. As I was informed once, it is only the NS who can change, one cannot expect change from the Aspie.
It is very difficult to tolerate, on a daily basis, the continual negative, repetitive traits of someone you love. Yes we should be able to overlook these, say those who don’t have to live with it. My sanity and emotional and financial security are paramount. We have been together 5 years and in our 60′s, I feel he lives in a bubble, and is on a fast track to financial ruin, seemingly oblivious to it all. Cannot foresee future consequences of his actions now. I am holding on to my house, but that is all I have. Life is too short for this, if only I had known he was AS, if would have flown!!!
Some of these comments irritate me because everyone is blaming the person with Aspergers for their relationship problems. I am a social worker/therapist who works a lot with people with Autism/Aspergers,developmental disabilities, Down’s syndrome, etc. (I counsel parents and children who have autism and other diabilities) I also am in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers (undiagnosed) and OCD. We’ve been dating for about 8 months and it has been an up and down battle throughout, but I am finally figuring out why and how to overcome it. It was both of us miscommunicating our expectations…I am doing it on a more therapeutic level while he was more logical. I can show a tremendous amount of empathy, while he lacks empathy. It wasn’t until this past weekend that I really began to see what was wrong. I’ve been reading a wonderful book called, “Look Me in the Eye” by John Elder Robinson who has Aspergers…It truly opened my eyes to the world of people with Aspergers and how they perceive the world. One thing that my boyfriend was doing was complimenting other women via the internet and not doing it to me. I became very irate about this behavior…but once we sat down and discussed it I realized it was his way of trying to make friends and keeping the friends he had already. He has a hard time getting close with others due to trust issues, and he was reaching out by complimenting his friends as a way to be social. This is a learned behavior that he was taught by his mother and to him all women need to be complimented in order to start a relationship. After talking about how it affects me emotionally and using examples that make it logical for him..he is now complimenting me more. It is these things that I had to learn myself in order to make him realize that we both need to discuss things logically, rationally, and emotionally. I have high hopes that we will work together on this relationship and that it will work out. We both have a lot to learn. I am not going to run from this relationship. I believe he is a special and caring man. He truly tries and it is hard for him, but he is trying. I say in the end you cannot help who you fall in love with…all marriages have problems…you just have to be willing to try to make it work…and that does not mean being a doormat. Lastly, I asked him a question the other day…has anyone else ever tried to understand you? He said I was the first…that says A LOT! We are both 30 years of age…and I’m the first who has ever tried to understand where he was coming from. I kept asking him to walk a mile in my shoes (of course he can’t…they don’t fit him…lol)to understand how I feel…but then he asked me to put his shoes on and see a day in his life…I am beginning to understand. I wear rose colored glasses…his glasses are black and white. I make friends easily, he can’t. I love church and get something out of it, he can go but doesn’t get the message only the words in the Bible. I can read between the lines, he only reads what’s on the line. By understanding this we can work on a way to come to the middle. I just had to see it from his perspective.
I have been dating then living with my girlfriend for 1&1/2yrs(we are both in our forties and have had a couple long term relationships) but I just recently figured out she is probably an aspie,she always said she wasn normal but lots say that,but its different and now i know why.she is ocd and knows that but i dont think she knows she is a aspie, I only think.she is cause she never cries at sad situations..i/e movies,life etc,and lacks empathy to a certain degree,I can never bring up her past because( past is past )and hers has questions that i would like answered.but the one thing that bothers me is her blank stare at others and her need to look at everybody, men take that the wrong way and says she is uaware she is doing it,is that really possible?? and very unorganize,but very neat ans clean in most aspects?she repeats things thats happened to her over and over.sometimes very sexual and sometimes not!when she says she loves me,its kinda generic but i am sure she does,never things like,I.love you so much or I really love you,just love you or love you to,mostly(ugh)should I be the one to tell her or who then?any response would be helpful,I love her but I hear a lot of run now and dont bother’s,and I dont want to run,I love her.
Here the thing for me..My wife has a.s. and she’s a truly beautiful soul.I love her enough to want to understand what she goes through..to see the world through her eyes..and not the colored glasses that society has pinned on what a healthy or unhealthy relationship is.She’s been showing me so much on a.s. And there’s been funny cartoons that despite being humorous you see the world through their eyes.yet i once thought why doesn’t she see what I am going through but I realised how concieted i was being..I believe. fully is why put a demand on some one who can onky give you?the best of what they have the capacity to give..