The other week, my 5-year-old daughter broke her arm at the elbow. It was a serious break which required a call to 911, an ambulance ride, surgery, and an overnight stay at the hospital.
As her mom, I felt helpless. I couldn’t make her pain go away. I couldn’t fix her broken arm. So I simply put my head next to hers, and told her that I was here, and I wouldn’t leave her. That was the mantra I repeated over and over. And it was enough.
We humans break easily.
And I’m not talking simply about bones. Our feelings get hurt. Our self-esteem is fragile. We hurt each other with words and actions. We bully each other, steal from one another, gossip, verbally abuse, and assault those around us. We hurt ourselves by what we do. We cut or burn ourselves, neglect our health, abuse food and drugs, and engage in reckless behavior.
Others abuse us and neglect us. People who should love us hurt us. Sometimes simply getting through one day to the next takes an incredible amount of courage and strength.
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This is exactly what I needed to hear today.
Ainsley, I’m so glad you found this helpful! Take care.
Jenise,
I am so glad to hear this from you, as a therapist.
Maybe I am talking to the wrong people, but so often I find when I go to someone for support, their answer is that I need to love myself, or accept myself, or nobody’s going to love me until I love myself, etc.
I’m an intelligent, competent person who tries to be as clear as I can about the type of support I am asking for, but I get these new age cliches in response. I would also point out that acceptance of yourself and your experience is possible, but it happens on the individual’s own timeline, not from someone else telling you you need to do it, and that, if not impossible, it’s at least very difficult to do it on your own without someone there doing just what you did with your daughter. Being there with you.
Emma
Hi Emma,
I agree, there tends to be a ‘heal thyself’ attitude, but as you pointed out, it can’t be forced on anyone. I believe that when people find that they are loved and accepted by others, they are better able to love and accept themselves. There is no shame in asking for support. I think our society would be much healthier if we were more willing to reach out to others, both as the givers and receivers of kindness and understanding.
This is very beautiful. Thank you for this.
Bluesylady, you’re welcome! Thanks for your comment.
Well said… simple, clear and direct. A message that needs to be shared. “Pain (of any kind) may be a given in our lives, suffering, however, is optional. Reaching out definitely helps reduce our suffering quotient.
Hi
Thank you very much, that was beautiful to read. A friend recently told me she felt I gave into pain too easily and let it rule me. I cannot, and don’t take painkillers, I still work. She said that she must be stronger than me as she does not let the pain get to her.
How can anyone know what pain the other is enduring? I believe it to be unfair to compare your own pain with another and to tell someone that they are weak when all that is needed is a bit of empathy or support, is a bit one-sided. I was assaulted and endure more headaches and migraines than I ever did. Perhaps my friend’s misplaced comments are because she misses the person I used to be.
I’m sorry that your friend was not understanding or compassionate with you, Mazuri. This must have been especially difficult if you felt in need at that time. Maybe it would be helpful to consider that her comments reflect on her and not you. All of us are human and we all hurt sometimes. We all need comfort and support at times too. Perhaps another friend might offer you some comfort? Take care.
This is beautiful and it really speaks to me. But then, shared humanity always does. Thanks for writing.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope. My boyfriend thinks that I am growing mentally ill, when the problem I have is too much empathy. Anyone else in pain I will cry. I cry for the greed of humanity, the corrupt people in the world who are making so many people suffer. I feel that this year in the UK there will be an increase of suicides, as people are thrown into poverty. i think about death. A part of me wants to die. There is so much darkness. I am losing interest in the TV but I do turn to food. I am not sure how to love anymore. Psychologists I have spoken to about my ocd were just doing it by the book. I could not open up and trust. i am very deep. i find it hard just to make it through the end of the day often.