Are You Ready For Divorce? 7 Questions To Ask YourselfThis guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Bruce Derman

Should I stay or should I go?

If your marriage is on the line and you’re considering divorcing your spouse, you may have had some of the following thoughts:

I feel like I need to end this so-called marriage. Yet, how can I be sure? / Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others / A part of me still loves and/or cares for him. / I don’t think I am in love with him but what if I make a mistake? / Many people will be affected by my decision. / Maybe I’m being too hasty. / If only he would just change his behavior …

Or, maybe your spouse wants a divorce. In that case, you’ve probably had some of the following thoughts:

Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago, we were talking about going on a vacation! / I had no idea our marriage was this awful./ I am shocked and devastated./ I have to find a way to stop this. / Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal.

Many books and articles assume that once a couple says they want a divorce, they are truly ready for it. However, that’s often not the case. In fact, usually, when couples begin the divorce process, either one or both partners are not really ready at all.

43 Comments to
Are You Ready For Divorce? 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.

  1. Lots of him’s in this article.

  2. I think there needs to be a paragraph about how sometimes it is not possible to wait for divorce when domestic violence or any other type of abuse is the reason for the divorce.

  3. HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who help me it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with two kids my problem stated when the father of my kids travel i never help he was living but as at two weeks i did not set my eye on my husband i try calling but he was not taken my call some week he call me telling me that he has found love some where easy at first i never take to be serous but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i notice that things is going bad i help he will come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i give it up on him month later i met on the the internet a spell caster i never believe on this but i needed my men back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after three day my hasbond called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the six day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to for give him the spell work to said to my self from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the esango priest of (abamieghe)esango priest he his a great man you need to try him you can as well to tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his content email is this esangopriest@gmail.com indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. remember his email is esangopriest@gmail.com

  4. Hello everyone my mouth is full of testimony. i never believe this could have happen but Dr.anunu restored my marriage.now my husband love me more than ever.
    my husband left me and the kids for 2 years, i did everything humanly possible to get him back i prayed i even fasted nothing work out.
    i was s0 diver stated i was left with nothing no money to pay for kids up keep. no job my life was tearing apart. till when i head that he was trying to get married to another lady in Italy,Rome..i quickly rush and email Dr.anunu for help and i was skeptical because i don’t really believe he can bring him back to me because its too long we have contacted each other,we only comment on each other status on Facebook and when ever he come online he has never talk anything about coming back to me,now i really believe that there is Magic and Dr.anunu is a really God sent and has Magic because all these things is still like a dream to me,Dr.anunu told me in the first mail that everything will be fine,i called him and he assure me,i have so many doubt but now am happy,i can’t believe it my husband broke up with his Italian lady and he is now coming back to me and he can’t even explain how everything goes, all he said to me was that he want me back,i am really happy and i cried so much because it was just like i am born a new and am really happy and my entire family are happy for me but they never know whats the secret behind this…i want you all divorce lady or single mother to please contact this man for help and everything will be fine i really guarantee you..i have tell all my friends who are in unhappy relationship and they have seen solution in few days ago…if you want to contact him you can reach him through (anunuspelltemple@ymail.com) that is where you can get to him and i assure you it gonna work fine with you and you will be happy
    i am out of .words am just happy and i will be happy forever because i can never have any problem having Dr anunu.

  5. If your marriage is on the line and you’re considering divorcing your spouse. I don’t think I am in love with him but what if I make a mistake? / Many people will be affected by my decision. / Maybe I’m being too hasty.

    • If you no longer love him then you should leave

  6. It’s a very tough situation to be in. My wife brought up the subject of divorce during arguments for years and I just always assumed it was her temper getting the best of her. One day, maybe 8 or 9 months ago now she sat me down and said she seriously wanted me to consider whether the marriage was making me happy. She was ready to leave. We talked about a separation and as hard as it was for me, I agreed to it. I didn’t want to but more than that I didn’t want to keep her if it wasn’t what she wanted. We ended up going to therapy and have worked through many of the issues that were pulling us apart. Things are slowly improving but it’s all about learning to compromise and recognizing what your partner really needs. Great article.

  7. Dear Friends,
    Myself Santosh I had marriage on 26.01.04 & have no kid till date as per medical reports of my wife. We have no bonding & feelings like pair due to sort of understandings, Age gap (I m36 & She is 26) & education difference I m graduate engineer & she is 10th fail. Even though I had tried try to keep relation & passed 9yrs after marriage. So many times she had hurt me by their ego & not ready to follows 7 wows given during marriage, but elders convinced me that she is immature & I have to adjust. But now I m not in condition to adjust & I want to complete my family. At present she is with their parents for 2months. I m vary frusted now & want to start my new life after giving divorce to him, But she & their parents not ready for it & giving pressure to me that if had try to give divorce, anything can be happen in my life.
    Kindly advice.

  8. My husband has asked me for a divorce. I am 50 yrs old and I have been very sick for 10 yrs. I have a chronic fatal illness that that I have struggled to overcome and deal with while still trying to be a good wife to my husband. We have been married for 25 yrs and he told me that he doesn’t want to be married because he doesn’t want to be “bothered” by me anymore and he doesn’t want to take care of a sick person anymore- we have 3 animals and they are my whole reason for living.

    He has been abusing me for 20 yrs and has tried to kill me 5 times. He has killed my animals and he is controlling in every way. He has taken all my money and ruined my credit and wants to take away my animals and leave me homeless. HE tried to abandon us two weeks ago when he turned violent and had a breakdown. He is bi polar manic depressive and psychotic. He is paranoid and cannot deal with life or pay bills. He wants to be 6 again and live with his grammy and let her pay his bills and let her take care of him. He will not talk about anything that a normal mature man dies and he has stacks of mail he wont open. He won’t even open the mailbox. HE has OCD and will hide all the towels, silverware ect in the house and switches form one personality to another from day to day. I never know who I’m going to get. His doctor tried to get him in to see him so he could get him seen by a psychiatrist – but he refused. His entire family has been deemed mentally ill by the state and his mom and aunt have been put into the looney bin several times. All he has known is chaos and dysfunction-alcoholism and craziness. HE has never known normal.

    He knows that this is a death sentence for me and that when I lose my medical in the divorce- that I will end up dead – I won’t be able to see a doctor for my disease and he will win again- (like always)

    He is a master manipulator and a con man- he is a true psychopath and already looking for his next victim.

    HE pretends to be this nice guy on fb and lure these women (some who are married) into his lies and web of scams- he wishes only to take their money (and he admitted to my face that the only reason he married me was because I came from a rich family and he only wanted my money)

    He is an evil monster that has tried to kill me and wants me dead- he told me that this is the only tue method of killing me and that he knows this will make me so stressed out that I either die from a stroke or I will kill myself. He knows chocking didn’t so it= and throwing me down the stairs didn’t do it and trying to kill me and my whole apt building by turning on the gas and walking out didn’t do it- so this will.

    I have no where to go and no one to turn to- I have to protect my babies and I cannot trust him with them. I have no money and no place to go.

    I am doomed and my husband is beign so selfish and evil.- he just laughs at my face when I try to tell him how awful he is making me feel and that this is making my disease worse. He told me he doesn’t care if I live or die – or if the animals die- it’s all about him and his happiness and he’s “the golden child” and the “only child” and the “KING” and they everyone should bow to him and give him money and do for him.

    I am in hell.

    If it were not for my animals- I would truly kill myself. I cannot take this type of torture. I am a good loving caring wife who has moved 22 times for my husband and did everything he told me to do – without question. I do not deserve this.

    • Jane,

      I just read your post and it broke my heart. I offer you some simple obvious advice.

      Out of that concern, I suggest several things:

      Consider yourself a victim of domestic violence. You truly would be better off without him, and possibly in another city, far from him. He sounds like an evil man. Don’t mention where you are going or leave a trail. Just plan your escape. There are domestic violence centers that will help you plan for leaving. There are websites that deal with this. You need to plan for the day that you leave. Before it, copy all important documents and keep them safe elsewhere.

      When you leave, take everything important (and that is yours) with you. You don’t sound like you have the ability to take care of all your pets. I understand that you love them and can’t imagine letting go, but if you can let at least one or two of them be adopted, you will be choosing your own life. I had to give up my cat because of asthma and I could barely do it, but my cat is very happy in her new home and I can breathe. Choosing to stay with him and choosing to have more pets than you can care for is all part of choosing to stay a victim, which you will stop when you leave him.

      Even if you will lose your medical insurance, you should leave him. This is no kind of life.

      Please treasure yourself and get away from him. Don’t talk about it with him. Just do it.

      much love, Julie

    • If you are already not gone shame on you! Go to a shelter with your babies and they will find a temporary home for them while you get your life back under control…do not dare look back..you will find syrengh in your future..

    • Ask for alimony…the rather stay then pay that!

  9. I divorced a bully & somehow kicked a hornets nest….
    Jan 2013 When I fled for my life he pulled legal action to end support (stalking via court order) despite it being a long term marriage high asset divorce (he paid the judge CA to throw the divorce in his favor) I received zero assets! May 2013 The judge ordered to me 1) no asset for passive income 2) no support 3) no retraining which I begged for 4) no employment evaluation so I could work…… They’re now forcing me out, dragging the case out ($$$$) to coverup the impeachable offense (per several Attys)
    How do I get out of this nightmare?

  10. We don’t argue, we don’t hate each other, we don’t have intimacy.

    We have two wonderful children, I’ve never cheated, we have been married for 19 years; however, I feel very alone in this relationship, we’ve discussed this and my partner blamed their depression caused by the lack of self worth. I am a very positive person that has tried at every avenue to assist her to gain her self worth; setting up businesses, encouraging her to follow her dreams. She has seen someone for her depression, but with all this – I just feel empty and grumpy.

    I want change for both of us, I want to feel loved, I want to make love to someone who makes me feel wanted.

    I tried discussing our marriage many times; but she doesn’t want to.

    It’s been six years of me trying and now I really want to leave as I feel that a divorce would be beneficial for us both, not for our children though, but we can’t live like this for the children.

    I don’t want to loose her as a friend as she is still my best friend, but that’s one of the problems – she feels like a friend now and not my lover.

    I wish there was a magic wand that would make these feelings go. As I have always done, I wake up in the mornings kiss her and tell her I live her, always compliment her and try and look at her as the women I met all those years ago. Night time, I kiss her good night and then we go to sleep. But when she falls asleep, I lay there with my eyes wide, wishing I was not there. I can’t carry on like this, the kiss between two lovers should be sensual and leave you wanting, I now feel nothing – even though I try to feel something.

    I love my children more than you can imagine, they bring me so much joy and fear whatever choice I make.

    I just feel empty and have constant butterflies, I can’t talk to my friends about this as everyone of them marks relationships to ours. You see that saying is so true: ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’.

    What am I too do and can a relationship end, but we stay friends?

    I know there are quite a lot of I’s in this comment, maybe that’s the other problem: I want I’s now and not We.

    What the hell do I do?

    • Bob,

      Your response resonates with me. I feel I am in the same type of relationship, but opposite sex and for 12 years. My husband covered up a lot of his issues while we were dating, I think because he was depressed/ashamed. Once we were engaged and bought our first place, the intimacy ended (a red flag months before our wedding that I should not have ignored). We, by some miracle, had two children, but intimacy was still scarce. He has also had career troubles and drinking issues, but I wouldn’t call him an alcoholic – he uses it like some use food to self-medicate/relax, but it doesn’t help his lack of energy and I believe it has held him back. I think what hurts the most is living day-in/out in a depressed home. I too, am a very positive person. I plan all of the family fun, I volunteer for my kid’s stuff in the community, I have friends and keep up familial relationships, build upon my career, and exercise as often as I can. He doesn’t do any of this. He works from home 100% of the time, never leaves the house, barely removes his slippers and hasn’t received a raise in 5 years or done anything to rectify the stall in his career. It’s hard not to “personalize” his depression, but since I am also the primary breadwinner (and a reluctant one at that – I always wanted to work parttime when my kids were young) and I am “kindly ignored,” I have entered the stage of feeling undervalued and resentful. I did not sign up for this…but I did. This man who is several years older than me, I feel has become another one of my children. The last thing I want is to hurt my kids, but how does anyone live like this forever? I wish for someone fun and driven, sensual with initiative – not happy and positive all the time, but comfortable in his skin, confident and ready to be a grown man. At this point, I feel we’re just so different and therefore can never be on the same page. I don’t have the answers, but I just want you to know that I hear you. After years of trying to be the understanding and loving wife, I am now completely burnt out and I yearn for something that requires far less effort. The request for a divorce comes as a surprise to him *sigh*. He wants to improve himself now, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait or if I can get over the years of pain and built up resentment. All the best to you. AW

    • Bob, your situation sounds so much like mine that reading your post is like looking in a mirror.

      When I married my wife of 17 years, I thought she was the one, and she thought that of me. We moved in together then married so fast that I don’t think we ever took the time to find out who each other really was.

      For maybe 5 years, it held together, based on the newfound security of partnership, and a great deal of lust. There were warning signs then, little issued went unresolved. Trying to talk out any problem was dismissed as “raking over old coals”. So often, when I showed my true attitudes on things on a wide range of issues (religious, politics, social issues), I would get shut down – not because I was wrong, but because she simply wasn’t interested. I do not believe either of us truly knows the other. I share equal blame for that, as somewhere I went from tolerant to defensive, and then I think a negative feedback cycle ensued.

      In 2001 we had a child, our lovely daughter. Severe post-natal depression ensued, which I did not at first recognize as such, and in that lack of recognition made terrible errors in relating to her and supporting her. I think this was the period where irreparable damage to our already fragile marriage was done.

      12 years later, I am forced to admit that I simply do not love her, and in truth I think she does not love me either. We are together still for our daughter, and because the finances are so much simpler that way. To add to the complexity we kept out first home, as a rental property, and it is now occupied by both her siblings. So if I pull the trigger on this divorce & property settlement, I will (in their eyes) be the asshole who threw her entire family out of home.

      Sex has died too. From near constant for the first 5 years, it has dropped to 3 times a year if I am lucky. If we do have sex, she goes cold for weeks afterwards (seems to be a self loathing thing), and I feel guilty because I have asked her to do something she clearly did not want to. About a year ago, I simply stopped asking, it is easier that way. I have not cheated, despite a couple of opportunities that were incredibly tempting. I can honestly say if an opportunity for a new relationship arose today, I would probably grab it with both hands.

      To the outside word we look like a normal happy suburban couple – our facebook pages show the illusion – the reality is hidden. I think her sister suspects something is up, but that is about it.

      I am now at the point where I have – internally – decided I must leave. I feel constantly sick about it, I know it will cause hurt & harm, but at the same time I know that I cannot be happy, and probably she cannot be happy, if this sham does not come to an end. It is a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I can’t sleep, she senses something is up but won’t talk. I asked for counselling, she said she would not attend.

      Right now I feel incredibly alone, but reading the comments here I know others are going through similar things.

    • Hey Bob – Just curious, (as your situation resonates much with mine also as the others said), have any updates to your situation or same old same old? – Adrian in Idaho

    • You sounds just like me- leave! Get a divorce and live the remainder of your life with someone who really loves you!

  11. I am in a tough spot. I am 50 years old and have been married to the same man since I was 17. We have 5 kids together and pretty much a lifetime too. He has always been a very controlling person especially about money. I work full time and take care of the kids and the house. My youngest child is now 15 and the others are ready to leave home or have. After all this time my husband has decided he is not happy with me or this life. He is 53. He said I got old ,fat and no fun. He has always done as he pleased regardless of what I wanted and I have always stayed for the kids. I have no family of my own,my parents are dead and my siblings say that I am dead to them,I have no money and no where to go. What now? I am so used to him telling me what to do I have no confidence in making my own decisions.

  12. About two years into our marriage I had to sit the wife down and explain that she was treating me like a child. I am five years her senior and lived on my own for ten years before we met – she lived with her parents until we married when she was 24 – so her treating me like an incompetent child was a bit hard to take.

    A few years after that she started becoming harder and harder to communicate with. I would beg her to tell me why she was so ill tempered and obviously angry with me, but only got silence. Periodically she would blow up over some insignificant thing (I didn’t wash the dishes exactly when she wanted, etc.). I tried to work with this, but found that I could never do things well enough.

    Then the kids came. This was the source of profound joy for me, but for her it was the cause of incessant complaining and even worse temper. I did the primary child care, she worked and took care of the kids only when I couldn’t physically do it anymore. Her temperament got worse a few months after the second child was born.

    I suggested post-partum counseling to no avail. Soon I noticed that her family was treating me in a very cold manner. After about two years of being shunned I found out she had been speaking extremely negatively about me to her parents and sisters. I spoke with her about how damaging this was and she grudgingly apologies. Then I found out she was doing the same thing with her co-workers. Again, I spoke with her with the same results.

    Her coldness to the children increased. She would ignore bad behavior for weeks then suddenly explode, calling the girls horrible names (they were 6 and 3 and she was calling them ‘evil little b*tches, etc.). I intervened more than once to stop this behavior. I found myself completely incapable of communicating with her, spending most of my time protecting the children from her rages, and spending more time taking care of her than the kids.

    Intimacy became increasingly rare. She finally told me she would set aside one Friday a month to spend time with me. I found that I felt increasingly guilty and depressed if there was any sort of intimacy between us as she generally acted as if she just wanted it to be over with.

    In April of 2013 she went into a jealous rage because I was helping promote the art of a female friend (I have no romantic inclinations toward this woman). In the course of the conversation it came out that my wife has had at least nine affairs during our 20 year marriage. Some of these were emotional, some fantasy, and at least three were physical or semi-physical. She was even talking marriage with one of the men.

    This was devastating. I have not been able to get past this infidelity. She claims to have changed but remains cold and indifferent to me and the children. For 20 years I told her every day morning and evening that I loved her. I can no longer utter those words and I never hear them from her (and have not for many years, obviously). I no longer even remotely desire intimacy with her . . . in fact, the nature of the men she pursued is so repulsive than the thought of intimacy with her makes me sick.

    Yet, for some reason the kids appear to love her. I categorically do not want to hurt them, but I simply have a very difficult time being in the presence of this woman. Divorce will come as a profound shock to all who know us and hurt the kids profoundly, which is the only reason I’ve not pursued it yet.

    But I can’t see myself married to her the rest of my life. I am 50 and will be 59 when the youngest turns 18 and goes on her own. I tell myself that if I can make it that long it will be easier on the kids. But I also know that it pretty much ends any hope of a meaningful and intimate relationship in my future.

    Believe it or not, I’m actually OK with that if it means less suffering for the kids.

    This article is really helpful. I wish I could find a good way out of this situation but can’t. The insights of others would be deeply appreciated, especially since there is no one I know around me with whom I can discuss these matters and get reliable guidance.

    Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening.

    ray

    • Ray- go find someone who you really love and who really loves you. get out of this disaster.

  13. very useful comments thanks.

  14. Hi,
    I am 39 years old and been married for 9 years. i work half day. my husband is a wonderful man but at the same time doesn’t have much to say and we do not nurture or encourage each other in our lives. I have no sex drive but he does, he doesn’t hassle me but is nice to me before he asks me, so I know what is coming. i have two beautiful children but am thinking with how I am, maybe it would be better if I left and their dad raised them, he is a much better person than me. My husband says i never want to do anything, but surely there should be times when it is just dad and his 2 boys ? Do i really need to go to the track and watch them ride bikes ? Dad is very upset with me again and I am so sad about this situation, maybe I am depressed ? I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but in the back of my mind of i could afford a flat or somewhere to stay, I think I would have left

  15. Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do for yourself and for your partner is to get a divorce. Our culture has perpetrated this limiting belief that divorce is bad, wrong and surely means failure. That is just not true. Every person deserves two things:

    1. To be accepted as their complete, authentic, full expression of self.

    2. To be with a partner who is unapologetically, unabashedly expressing their full expression of self.

    You only get one life, this is no dress rehearsal. Your job is to thrive and to help others do the same. In that context, ask yourself these 2 questions: Are you thriving? and Are you helping your partner to thrive?

    Mindy Amita Aisling,CPC
    http://www.amitacoaching.com

    • Mindy is absolutely right in her assessment!

  16. Hi,

    I am 29 years old and been married for 4 1/2 years. I have 2 1/2 years girl baby. All these years he has not shared anything to me. He is 5 years elder than me. so, he is treating me like a small girl. He is not giving respect to my emotions. Emotionally he is abusing me a lot. If i cried he is feeling happy for that. He is not asking reasons for crying. I don know anything about him. I don know even his salary. Daily he is sleeping in a separate room. Till 2 pm His room is closed after that its opened. Till that time i don know what he is doing?. He is working in a software concern. He ll never spend time with me and my kid. Very rarely only he ll spend with us. Everything he has kept confidentially. He is not telling his personal things to his wife then to whom he ll tell?. I guess He is not believing me. Mentally i disturbed a lot. Really I don’t know what to do?. Please help me.

    • He obviously does not respect u. Same as my husband and me. I accepted it for almost seven years. Now I have a plan for my life am no longer scared of the financial side and am preparing for my divorce. It’s ur choice when and if that moment will come for u. I wish u all the best. And a happy life with people tht treat u well and make u happy.

  17. After reading this i think im not ready YET for a divorce. My husband for 3 yrs have temper problems, when he’s upset with something even if i had nothing to do with it he calls me names like( dumb bitch, cunt, ” are u retarded or something” when i make a minor mistakes or forget something) he break things in the house and yells at me. I’m a SAHM taking care of our beautiful 5 month old daughter, since i just passed the boards (nclex) for registered nurse when i was 7 mos pregnant, and i have no nursing experience w/c makes it hard for me to land a job, and we decided that i stay home for the first 6 mos. at least to take care of our daughter. To make the story short, everytime we have an arguement even with small things like laundry and stuff, he always tells me to get a job or shut my mouth until i get a job… One time he was doing something on his laptop and i asked him what he was doing, and he answered me ” i have a lot of important things to do with my life” and so i just said well im researching about best solid foods to give our daughter which i think is important too then he’s like ” why? Is that gonna give u a job as a nurse?” In a very insulting tone… So i got up went to the bathroom and cried while taking a shower. I feel like he doesn’t respect or appreciate me for staying home, he even says that im lazy and i just sit all day everytime he see’s somthing dirty in the house… Im an ambitious college grad who wants to have a career, but as soon as i gave birth to my daughter, i just fell in love with her and want to take care her myself for the first year. But since my husband say’s i cant cuz we need 2 incomes in the house , i have no choice but eventually put her in day care… Fast forward, we had a heated arguement last night, about him doing the laundry on weekend( we live in 3rd floor apartment bldg. and the washer/dryer are in the 1st floor) thats why i can’t do it by myself on weekdays and leave the baby alone in our apt… He was upset saying his day was wasted going up and down doing laundry when i couldve done it on weekdays and he kicked our daughters crib( without baby in it) while i was trying to feed our daughter with a bottlein our bed… I lost my temper and throw the bottle of milk on the floor so hard, then our daughter cried and he thought i hit her with the bottle and he attcked me, hit me on the face and legs , i couldnt count the time he hit me on my legs but it was panful that i cried and yelled on top of my lungs that im done with him and so many things! Ii couldnt help my self i was so mad of him hitting me and i said im going to divotrce him bla bla bla and he took my daughter and they hid in the bathroom cuz i wont stop screaming from anger… I ignored him after upto now, he unfriended me on fb for the first time, im so hurt and mad right now, cuz i dont deserve to get hit, and he didnt even say sorry to me, he tried to act as if nothing happend after by talking to me but i just ignored him cuz it was not ok and cant just brush it off…But heres the big BUT, i realized i cant divorce him yet for reasons 1. Im jobless, without savings 2. Im an immigrant with conditional green card 3. I dont know how to drive yet 4. I have no where else to go… I have no friends here, i have a sister but we( me and my baby) have no room to stay in her apt. My mom here dont have a place either since she’s just working as a live in caregiver in a facility. Basically i have no resources and support so i have no choice but to stay here and suck it up ( all the insults, name calling etc.) for my daughters sake. Til i get a job and learn to drive at least, but what hurts me the most is to ruinmy daughters chance to have a normal family, im lost :,(

    • Vanessa,
      I feel so bad for you. You don’t have to put up with domestic violence. You many not live to see your daughter grow up if you choose to stay and tell yourself it is to give her a better life. Please don’t accept someone beating on you as love. Go to a shelter for women and they will help you to get on your feet. It will take time and courage, but it is better than taking the abuse from your husband. You will hate yourself in the years to come. Gather the strenght and determination and don’t see your limitations, but see the possibilities. Show your daughter that no man should be beating on her mother or she will grow up and think this is normal and accept the same behavior for herself too.

  18. I think I am ready to divorce my husband. We have been together for 22 years and married for 13, we started going out at 16 and was pregnant with our first son at 17. We have since had a total of 4 boys together the youngest 6 and oldest 20. My husband is a very paranoid man and although I have never cheated on him and been with another man or woman intimately he consistently accuses me of cheating. He did cheat before we were married for about 3 years and I stayed with him as a “friend” until he felt like his wild oats were sewn. Then he went to jail and I stayed by his side, at this time I was pregnant with our third child. The whole time while incarcerated he accused me, he was released came home and still accused me. It just has never stopped and I am tired of it.
    He gets mad when I don’t answer my phone at work. He makes comments like I am in love with someone else if I fall asleep and don’t have sex with him. I have to defend myself (verbally) at least twice a week on things that I have never even thought about doing. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and spiritual healing for myself these last few years and it is really helping me become a better me. At the same time I feel that my husband is still occupying a space in time of untrustworthiness, anger, fear and self-loathing. That is a space that I do not want to be and I don’t want to be with someone every day that is in that space. There are some days when he is his normal self and I think there is a hope.We tried counseling for like 3 sessions and it seemed to get even worst.
    I have divorce forms that I paid for a year ago and never filed because I thought it would get better. Well this morning, he made another one of his snide remarks to insinuate that I will be with another man at work today! REALLY!! If he made tons of money maybe I would not have to work and be the breadwinner for the family. I am tired of it and I really do feel that I am ready. However it still seems like such a daunting task. Keep in mind I have asked him for a divorce three times and him never leaves; he won’t sign the papers, just says he will change and never does. He is not physically abuse but more mentally and verbally.
    The comments and the article have allowed me to put some things in perspective now it’s just a matter to JUST DO IT!

    • Divorce him now!!!

  19. Me and my husband started to have problems when he lost his full time job 7 years ago. He has then has be in and out of contracting jobs. He blamed me for staying in a job that took 4 hours commute time a day and practically left him to raise our daughter. He blame me for that e lost his career. He always think he gave up everything for me and for this family of e and got nothing in return. Me, on the other hand, I am the practical one. I thought I can hold on to my job while he look for the next full time job but that never happen. He think he lost his job/ career but still I am not willing to give up this job. He doesn’t understand, I am not confident to look for another job . This job still pays good and have benefits, our daughter is only a 9th grader, we need insurance and money to pay for college. I wish I can just walk out, but I cannot I am too practical. We just grew apart and he just always want o go ack to Macau (where he is originally from) I am so tied and sick of that, I think he should just leave now.

  20. I met my now husband when i was 17. I got married at 21, had our first child at 23, second at 26. looking back, i remember seeing signs when we were dating that we weren’t completely compatible for each other, but I was too young & immature to recognize it. I always wanted to go out & have fun, he didn’t. I was extroverted, he was introverted. He was a workaholic at an early age & would often fall asleep on our date nights together. I remember not being overly excited planning our wedding….our honeymoon was awful. He fell asleep early & I remember feeling bored and lonely. We moved in together after we got married & started a family. I was adopted…and for my own reasons I desperately wanted to have babies of my own, & I also knew I was the only hope to give my parents grand babies. (We have two beautiful girls who im so incredibly proud of.) Looking back being 36 years old now, I realize there were a lot of poor decisions or decisions made for the wrong reasons. I don’t regret for one second bringing my two daughters into this world…but I was definitely too young to know what I wanted in a husband or partner, and therefore now am on the verge of divorce. We have been seperated for over a year (living in the same house, trying to put on a good face for our kids) but I have struggled with being unhappy & unfulfilled for many years. He began his own business about 7 years ago and does amazing work & is in demand, but because he has poor business management skills, he’s put us in a great deal of debt. Not to mention that when our oldest daughter was 8 & a half, she was diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia & thankfully is doing well now – she will be 3 years post treatment this November…but there were many special events that my husband did not attend because he chose to work (workaholic). These were related to some celebrations put on by her school she attends to help us financially & to celebrate that she had finished her treatment, and also an appointment at sick kids to finally have her port removed signalling the end of chemotherapy through IV. Those are hard not to be resentful about, and her illness also was the beginning of a huge rift between his family and mine…who have always had different personalities & previously to our daughter getting sick, I’d always get nervous when we would all get together for fear of his family saying something offensive in an attempt to be funny. I also look back and realize for many years I raised my daughters on my own because before my husband started his own business, he worked for a company a couple hours away & would stay there during the week to save on gas money (this was probably 10 years ago) and since he’s began his own business (7 yrs ago) he often stays at job sites for days at a time to finish the jobs more quickly…ive become accustomed to running the house on my own & that never really bothered me because i think deep down i was never happy to begin with….So all of this has lead up to where I’m at today…we have tried counselling, and we have made attempts at making it work. He states he wants to stay married – that he loves me, that he likes how independent I am and that it doesnt bother me that he’s away & I don’t complain that he’s gone – he also says he loves that I’m kind hearted, attractive and doesn’t nag him. I however continue to feel unhappy, unfulfilled and depressed. We have never had the kind of relationship that as I’ve matured & grown over the years, i’ve learned is very important to me – I’ve learned that humour, & being able to be silly with each other & enjoy each others company, being kind-hearted & family oriented, & genuinely caring about others is very important to me as qualities in a spouse, & he does not have those qualities. He has just recently put more effort into doing things & spending more time with the kids, which is great because that will strengthen their relationship with him & will benefit them….but it still hasn’t changed the way I feel. I am just so scared at the thought of divorce. My parents are still married, they were married at 19 & are still married at the age of 66, so I value that & want that for myself – but I just feel as though I was too young to know what qualities I wanted in a partner & I’m leaning towards divorce but I’m sad & scared at the thought of it as well.

    • Lisa your situation sounds a little like mine my husband also does not like to go out and I like to party a little bit and as a result we do nothing together and it’s only now it’s getting to me cause just like u I’m starting to feel lonely cause we we have nothing in common, nothing to talk about, laugh about nothing we are like to strangers in a house and he feels like everything is okay. It’s time to make your self happy lisa don’t compare your life to your parents. Do what makes u happy your kids would understand.

  21. Great article but can the two authors please also submit one advising victims of domestic violence on how to approach their divorce. Because not addressing tht in this article renders this article, how do I put this as eufemisticly as possible… A bit naïeve…thanks

  22. When your spouse suggests you find work even though his income is enough to live on, it bothers me as if to say that I need to get out and live on my own, be independent. What’s the point in marriage if you can’t depend on the sole wage earner. If I’m on my own and my kids (his step) come with me, it would relieve him of the burden. His son might be moving down anyway and the two bedroom home would be more suited for just the two of them. I’m not his dream woman and I’m certain there are others more qualified to be his one and only. All these things came to mind when he started suggesting I find work. I guess maybe I wanted a marriage like my mom’s. Her husband worked and she keeps the house. Only difference is her house is more tidy than mine. So be it. Why should he stress out if I say I’ll move out when I find work, which I have, though just part time.

  23. I looked this up today after realizing that my marriage is going in the direction of divorce. Seems that I am married to someone bi-polar and I have no more feelings for him. In fact what I have now is complete anger. I feel completely disallusioned because I feel like I don’t care any longer. He keeps telling me I don’t love him, and asks me that if I want him to leave. I said, if that is how you feel, then leave, don’t pin it on me. I believe in the institution of marriage, yet your Christian values go completely down the drain. He walked out on me earlier for a “long” drive and I didn’t bother to call him. This has been a pretty much sexless marriage for 10 years, and I overlooked it because I thought we got a long very well for the most part. When we argue, there is no passion to want to bring us back closer. I really have grown to hate him all of a sudden. I don’t want to jump into a divorce under the pretenses of being angry, but a calm decision that I no longer want to be with him. I loved him but if I make a mistake or say something wrong ,or “quote” say a disrespectful comment, he goes off and says FUCK YOU to me, and will not apologize for it at all. I see no emotion in him. I really am saddened, and I have no emotions any longer, I can’t even cry. All I feel is anger. I never thought it would reach this point, and we just had our 10th anniversary recently. Please advise.

    • Oh Jennie, I’m sorry to read that you’re in a bad place. Your situation seems as bad as mine except that I have an 18 month old. If you do not have kids then my advice is run, run as far and sat as you can!
      I feel I cannot do so or I have to think about it twice (that’s just me using the expression, I’ve thought about of a million times) and truly the only reason am still here is because I have a small child. I come fr a broken family & it breaks my heart to make my little boy go through the sane thing. Always dreamt (oh and was so certain) that my kids will have both mum & dad. After all those years I envied my school friends of having both parents I was dead certain I’d marry for life. Best intentions and all that…still all that said, am 90% decided I will leave, just wish I had the strength & courage to decide before I brought in the world this beautiful little person who could be impacted by it all (mind, my baby was planned & is truly the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. No regrets there!)
      Good luck with your decision, but being completely out of synch & no sex life with your partner is pure hell, so courage my dear.

    • Go find some one else- get a divorce. You do not need to live like this!!

  24. If your common law wife has left you for another man, and 20 years later you get served because she wants half of the house money, is that right…can she do that? I don’t read or right , so I didn’t understand what was going on so court date came and I didn’t show up, so now she gets half the money for the halide and I’m told I have to pay for her lawyers too! Can someone help me with that… I hear the are putting a lien on the house and I don’t know what is going to happen next!

  25. Any advice welcome..
    My husband and I have been together since we were 18.. all together coming up to 20 years. Three young children. Life has been busy and our youngest was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was 2 which is challenging. My husband suffers from Chrohns diagnosed in his early 30′s and has never accepted it. I went back working last year part time teaching to earn more money to save and was finding it stressful but wanted to see the year through and then drop back to just one day. Half way through the year he suddenly left saying that he didn’t love me. He had been acting strangely before but I thought it was because he was having a flare up of his illness and was taking steroids which can affect your mood. He was so quick to move out and rent his own place. He went on gambling and drinking binges and took more than half our savings. He has always drank and gambled .. I would ask him to cut back but he would for a while and then be back at it. I think that is why I went back to work because he was spending so much money.
    I asked him if he was seeing anyone but he denied it. I believed him. He would not talk to me or any family or friends. This didn’t suprise some because he has a side of arrogance and reacting without thinking. After 2 months of trauma, not eating,blaming myself for going back to work, and not hardly leaving the house (I quit my job) he told me he was seeing the single mother who he works with. He had only been in the job 6 months. I had not met her just seen her the once .. I trusted him always never doubted that he would be unfaithful. He wanted to come back and I said he could if we went to councilling. He came back for 2 days and was harrassed by her phone calls. He then left again telling me he was messed up and needed time. Devastating the kids and I again. He said he had ended it with her. The next day I was called by child support. I rang my husband and he said he didn’t love me. I was so angry because after the months of agony I felt so stupid that I didn’t realize what he was doing. I found out that he had even gone to Bali with her and the daughter. I ended up going to their work to look her in the eye. She seemed so ugly because I guess i only have seen good in people and couldn’t believe a woman would
    be so selfish. He ended up placing a restraning order on me .. again something I found unbelievable and cowardly. After about 6 weeks I was beginning to get stronger with reality. The kids were seeing him on second weekends. He then began ringing at home which was against restraining order.. if I spoke to him I could have ended up in jail. Then he sent a text to say that he was sorry and would I meet him. I did and he was a mess. Wanting to come home. No one wanted me to. I agreed on councilling and he moved in with his mum. After 2 months I let him home. He has a new job. Every thing seemed ok but 6 months later I am feeling numbness. He has been drinking his way through his guilt. Still gambling and wants to go out all the time with me but after blowing about 30k in the last year we just can’t afford it. We go out a lot.more than most people. He has stopped drinking a bit as I called him an alcoholic but I feel like he just hasnt got what it takes to be a responsable dad and a partner to me who is on the same track. He is still not happy with his job (always never lasted more than 3 years at one place) he always wants days off even if he has no time off due. I am finding all of this really depressing and wondering if I made a big mistake taking him back. I have almost lost my our best friends who dont like him because he didn’t like it when they were advising me what to do when he left. My family have accepted my decision but I know they don’t really like him.
    He can be so much fun and witty, is very good looking but I think perhaps he is not a good person. I am depressed, having flashbacks of last year.Embarrassed that everyone knows what he did.We have stopped talking again. I think he knows I am having doubts so he is making extra efforts but I think it might be too late. Not really a believer I god but I just want to know what to do. Will I be happier to be on my own and build a better life. Will I regret it later? Is there hope for our marriage when he has done so much damage?

  26. My wife handed me divorce papers with no prior discussion, then packed up and left 3 hours later to live with her family, half a state away. She spent 15 minutes with our college age kids, one of whom is commuting from home and still lives with me.

    She told the kids she would never come back to the area. They were angry and hurt, and my oldest has had no contact with her after over 2 months (I haven’t heard from her, either, but she’s furious at me, and she told me not to contact her).

    I wouldn’t recommend this approach – I’m now a single parent (of a learning disabled adult child), and the kids felt disenfranchised and abandoned (college age kids are still kids), and the mending with them could take years. A joint discussion, with my wife and I telling what was happening, would have been more pallatable to them.

  27. Someone please help me. My wife & I have been together for 6 yrs, married for 2… and I feel more distant from her than I ever have before. We have 2 young daughters & they are the ultimate joy of both our lives. Before we ever married I had proposed to her once & she didn’t take me seriously due to past lies I had committed in regards to an ex, who in fact I had sex with one night early on when we were dating. Turns out that same night she ended up doing the same thing with a male friend of hers. We are an interracial couple & it just so happens we each hooked up w/someone of our same ethnicity. Her being black, me being white . This happened long before we ever had our first child & I believe the relationship should have ended right then and there. However I believed I loved her and keep in mind she is absolutely gorgeous & blessed in every physical asset a man could want…. so we both begged for forgiveness & stayed together. About a yr later we had our first child & a couple years later we had our second. They definately made us closer & helped us develop a tighter bond. We’ve been married now for two years & I’ve heard about divorce on the regular. She consistently tries to turn it around like it’s me who is unhappy & wants a divorce but I beg to differ. I grew up in a traditional household w/my parents. She grew up in a split family w/out her dad around & several step siblings, etc. So I believe chaos is all she knows & she constantly drags me into it. She is a hiprocrite & an antogonist & I am worried that things may go too far one day cuz she loves to run her mouth & challenge me. I have hit her in the past but since my 2nd daughter was born 3 years ago. My wife has no problem telling me how much she despises me but then tries to convince me otherwise after the fact. Our sex life is still great but less frequent as it seems is common with most married couples unfortunately. I am 28, she’s 24, & I dont know whether to move on & try to keep making it work. I do love her but recently have felt myself “looking around” a bit more. Maybe because I feel so distant & unloved? She says I dont tend to her feelings enough but as a man, I really dont understand what the hell she means when I’m the breadwinner & do everything to suppory her & our children. I love her so much but it hurts so bad. Please help me.

  28. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years now married 1 year. Before we got married there were let’s of problems my husband does not knw how to show love he is very unemotional, I said yes to marrying him anyhow thinking things would get better with prayer, however things seem to be getting worst he does not touch me unless he wants to have sex, we dnt talk, I hate having sex with him it makes me sick for him to touch me. I feel no love at home no connection with him. He always points out that I do nothing good and comes to fix over everything I do. We don’t even go out together the only time we spend together is when we sleep. Sigh I’m so fed uo

Join the Conversation!

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.

Post a Comment:


(Required, will be published)

(Required, but will not be published)

(Optional)

Recent Comments
  • Gabe Howard: Thank you so much! It is an honor to be an award winning blogger! :) This is GREAT news and I am very...
  • jen: Forgiveness is so hard. I have tried moving on from different situations where I have been hurt( and even have...
  • Steve: #11: You just need to exercise! That one annoys me more than any of the others
  • YouAreNotAlone: You are not a monster, and you are not alone. This is a forum where a lot of people who have suffered...
  • Ana: I’ve heard a lot about CBT but I’ve yet to try it out. A suggestion for an app for both Android and...
Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter


Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code



Users Online: 9823
Join Us Now!