7 Things Women Wish Theyd Known Before MarriageThis guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Laurie Weiss

The New York Times reported that over half of the births to US women younger than 30 occurred outside of marriage in 2009. Most of the ongoing rise of births to unmarried women occurred to couples living together but unmarried. So why don’t these young women want to get married?

New York Times experts speculate on a number of economic reasons in a follow-up article in the Motherlode section. They reported that many young parents said “they would like to be married but not now and not to each other.”

The research I did for my forthcoming book, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do: Your Guide to a Successful and Fulfilling Marriage suggests other important reasons that young women don’t feel ready to marry.

Here are seven of the areas that the women who answered my question, “What is the most important thing you wish you had known before you were married?” mentioned most frequently.

10 Comments to
7 Things Women Wish They’d Known Before Marriage

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  1. I was married in the early 70′s. I was a virgin by choice, raised by overprotective parents. I did not have a female in my life to whom I could go to with questions regarding married life or any such relationship problems. My mom was distant and very judgmental. So I was stunned when I discovered that sex was something that was expected at the whim of my husband whenever he wanted. For all these years I have felt like a sex machine. Naturally, this has caused untold problems. At this point, in my life I’m in a deep depression. If I don’t have sex the rest of my life it will be too soon.

    • Wow, I feel bad for you. It’s amazing how much females give up of themselves when they get married. We lose our freedom, independence, money control, control over our sexuality, choices in reproduction. We lose our name, our future and our dreams. It always seemed like I lost so much and my husband gained everything.

      I looked forward to sex, but in marriage it just became a chore. I’m not frigid or sex hating, I just hated being used, soiled and forgotten, then left with the whole responsibility for birth control, pregnancy and then criticized for lacking desire!!

      So many women are on your boat. It isn’t just an older generation thing, either. Sex becomes a commodity, and the man thinks he has the right to cajole, nag and insist on his ‘right’. He has no idea what damage he does to his wife and the marriage. We then get called ‘frigid’, ‘cold’ and unsexy.

      Get help with the depression. I take an antidepressant and it has saved my life. Get your life back!! Then, if finances allow, think about whether you really want to stay with your husband. Maybe a divorce, or an open marriage agreement between you two could relieve your burden. Just my 2 cents.

    • Sandy, Ignorance is not bliss
      Yes you were used
      Some men see women as a sex object
      And do not think beyond their own pleasure
      But also you were fooled;into not thinking
      After 50 years of marriage
      I am still learning about my relationship
      With my wife,how to find happiness,
      Caring is more important than sex,

  2. I was born in the mid 50′s into an abusive home. I married at 18 to get away. I never took the time nor thought that I had other options. I too have deep depression, especially when thinking how I wasted my youth. I wish I would have known there is no rush to marry – find your own passion first.

  3. I blame rom-coms and romance stories for creating unreal expectations of relationships. Relationships take work. It’s a fact. Not “work to change someone”, but “work to accept them”.

  4. I wish I had known what a phony he really was. He pretended to be totally wrapped up in me and our relationship, pretended to like the things that I liked and worst of all, he hid some really nasty secrets about his family from me.

    This all changed after we married and he did a 180 and became a selfish jerk who treated me like a slave and threatened me when I wanted to leave.

    I did go back to school and earn two college degrees and start a career with a dependable paycheck, despite the threats, complaints and whining the whole time I spent studying. My success and fortitude seemed to change his tune a bit.

    Now, he is older and sickly and needs me more than ever and he is not much of a threat anymore. Now, I run my life the way I want. If he doesn’t like it, too bad!

    If his mentally ill, violent, foul-mouthed and incestuous ( they marry their cousins, which is one of the lesser secrets), drug-ridden exwife, kids, parents and siblings don’t like it, too bad! They can leave my life any time!

    It is all a matter of being strong ladies! Strong and standing ’til the end.

  5. This is an excellent article. I wish I knew then, what I know now!

  6. This is why I’m perfectly happy to be a single parent when the time comes, with wonderful men that will NOT be in and out of my child’s life (in fact s/he will have an embarrassment of godparents of both and all genders) and if I so happen to get married, the child will know it’s for love. And they’ll also know I scoured many a city for the best genes for him/her. Hehhe.

  7. I’d add – as a someone who became a stepmom while living with the father – and with never a prior conversation or thought that we might have different ideas on child raising — this too is a huge area, and one which causes a lot of heartache. Fools do stumble about where angels fear to tread…

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