This guest article from YourTango was written by SaraKay Smullens.
I hear about it week after week, month after month. From men and women. No, it is not affairs. Here’s what it is:
“When we are home together, life is great. But when we are with friends, family, workmates, bosses (take your pick—all are mentioned by various clients of all ages), he/she does things that make me want to hide under a table, or better yet, run.”
The examples are endless…
A thirty-something bride with a demanding PR job has recently married. “It took me so log to find him,” she explains. “He is kind, hard working and great in bed. But when he is with my friends or co-workers, he is forever saying stupid things and acting like a total jerk. He’s asked my friend who is desperate to have children, what she is waiting for. He’s gone to my boss’s house, reached across the table for bread and spilled red wine all over a white table cloth.”
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The tone of this article seems elitist and condescending. In short, it seems like a bored and whiny therapist complaining about her whiny clients. The information provided was incomplete and implied that the situations described could be understood by her oversimplifications. I know blogs are meant to be truncated and somewhat entertaining, but misleading?
I am glad you shared what came across to you, but I do want to assure you that my work is a joy and privilege to me. I respect my clients enormously. I described real situations (with no identifying information, of course) and explanations they and others have found helpful.
SaraKay
It is difficult to get a grasp of the essential dynamic in these couples from such short takes. When one part of a couple complains about the other’slack of social skills, it can also be because they are in some way insecure, and ashamed to show that they do not have a more polished, or professional,erudite partner — fearful that it reflects badly on oneself. If so, the partner can surely sense this, which can trigger him to be even more ill at ease – or sad or angry at the other’s lack of loyalty.
There is also a very elemental thing missed in the discussion: you are not your partner. He (she) is not you. It doesn’t mean that some folks aren’t social misfits – but one has a responsibility to be gracious to all – especially to one’s partner.
If what is being perceived is really about different values, there could be a rocky road ahead. I was reminded of the lovely film Salmon Fishing in Yemen – where the ‘hero’ is a nerdy, possibly Asberger’s, guy who has a good heart but is just blunt, fact focused, and unable to engage in standard social small talk. {Spoiler:And he won the girl).
I appreciate the time you took to write this very much. To me, you are speaking about the hard work and common sense that successful intimate relationships take. And you are saying that to have the most fulfilling ones, we need to feel whole ourselves.
Thanks for writing.
SaraKay
Thank you for your wise statements. Intimate relationships take work and understanding and love; and you well understand that the best path to this success is to feel whole in yourself.
Thank you for your time in writing meaningful feedback.
SaraKay
Thank you for writing this article, I could relate to all three examples of a partner’s embarrassing social skills. The answer to these problems came at the end of the piece, about the wife socializing with her friends, without husband in tow. This may be best for my husband, since it leaves him off the hook, allows me to relax and enjoy friends without waiting for the shoe to drop, or make a phone call the next day apologizing for something he did or said.
While I can deal with a lot of his behavior after 30 years, much of the behavior getting worse. I worry he is painting himself into an isolated corner and will find himself well and truly alone one day, free of all human interaction. The choice is he’s I suppose, but it’s sad to see, nonetheless.
Thank you again.
Marie, your husband is very fortunate to have such a wise and mature partner. He and your family must mean a great deal to you, for you have remained with him for many years. I am so glad you have created your own circle of friends you can relax with and enjoy. Yes, it is very sad to see one who is isolated. Yet, I am sure you have urged him to get help, and he has refused. Perhaps he would consider getting help with you, where you can air your concerns and frustrations with an objective professional. Sometimes this is the only way to wake one up, and it would be good for you to be able to share these valid concerns. I wish you very well. Thank you for writing!
SaraKay