487 Comments to
Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

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  1. I’ve not been depressed easily and endured many traumatic events including abuse in my 20’s then losing my children for financial reasons and then being forced and threatened out of even any visitation. I had cancer at 34. My employer took huge advantages of me as well. Through it all I told myself to just keep going until the light at the end of the tunnel appeared. Well it’s just not. I’m to a point I can’t push away the hurt anymore. I’m still masking it well at work but I sometimes hide breakdowns in the restroom. My husband would think I was stupid to cry so I just scream in my car when I drive and drink wine or take Vicodin when I’m left to my own at night. I will die. I know there’s no meaning. It’s all just a wired DNA cluster fuck and I’m not going to prove anything by pushing myself another day. My own kids are made to hate me and I’ve done nothing. I pay my support but he wants revenge and control because I left him. I live to work. I hate the pain.

  2. I’ve read many of these responses, and now three years from the article, I wonder who has survived? If life has changed?

    For the most part, it seems males feel isolated if they are not wonderful providers, females if they have no soul mate.

    I am both broke and soul-mate-less. I live alone, neither disappointing anyone nor being disappointed. I work, am paid at bare subsistence, but manage to keep the lights on.

    I am deeply depressed, but accepting of it. It is painful, and cry when able. I am extremely fearful of people, and would never leave home if I could get away with it. I suffer chronic, debilitating physical pain from childhood trauma, which didn’t come up until I was 40.

    The majority of my life was lived in “have to” land. Had to do this, had to do that. I didn’t really have or give myself options, because there was no “self.” I wondered at the miracle of me, how “strong” I was, how nothing ever really hurt me, how I had survived my childhood, seemingly, with no ill effects. Objectivity was my strong suit. My dry, cynical observations made everyone laugh, and I wondered why. Years vanished into accomplishment, the center hub of the family.

    At around 40, it all crashed down like a bridge failure. No getting across it, no swimming the divide, no options except to meet the five-year old child inside, wreaking havoc on my life. I didn’t understand it that way then; I understood very little.

    WHY for god’s sake?! I had been FINE without “me.” Things worked, they functioned, life went on. I still don’t know why, really, except maybe my mind had reached its limits of self-denial.

    I dealt with, and deal with, many children inside, most of whom I can hide from the world. Someone will occasionally burst out at an inconvenient time, usually the twelve year old. A fit-throwing, petulant, selfish being, you can’t miss her; she’s the one you roll your eyes at, making the world a more miserable place. She embarrasses me.

    Now, eleven years hence, I vacillate between ending this roller coaster of life to which I am still unaccustomed, and uncomfortable with, full of pain and misery, and, staying to see what happens.

    I remember when the seven-year old wrote the tiny words on studs, “I want to die,” over and over, and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t born that way. Something was given her, an evil gift that I carry to this day.

    I build on that fallen bridge when able, reach an unexpected memory and try to let it happen for as long as possible. Try to accept that I was one of millions of unloved, unwanted children. I don’t know that I will ever be free of shame and unworthiness.

    So every weekday morning, I wake up, if I slept, but get up, get dressed, feed the dogs, and go to work to keep the lights on in my hovel. That family I served so long and so well live in another state, and we don’t speak, which is probably for the best. It’s really a crap shoot, because the non-narcotics that try to keep my physical pain at bay don’t always work. There’s break-through pain, and it is so intense that it cripples me completely. I literally can’t move. Those meds are absolutely lethal if taken incorrectly, and they are my “out.”

    Like a warm blanket, if I choose, I can end the suffering. The emotional and physical pain will dissolve into blackness, as do the meds.

    The only thing I have found to revert to a sense of my former self, as trite as it sounds, are random acts of kindness. I pick up someone walking and carrying bags of groceries. I pick up animals. I give a twenty to a stranger. I pay for a meal for a homeless person loitering around the door of the pizza place. I stop being surrounded by me, and reach out to someone else.

    I can ill afford it, but it doesn’t seem to matter at the moment. It is like a crave, and I let it happen. I’ll never be a millionaire, but if I were, I would still live cheaply, and drive around and help people. It feels good. It removes my pain better than any narcotic. It is real. Others become real to me in those moments. I treasure the opportunities.

    Those are the two “main” me-s. The one who wants to die, and the one who escapes that feeling in helping others.

    • Wow. I feel sad reading you. I have struggled with depression and many forms of “self acceptance” trying and failing (excuse my english I’m french speaking)… I just hope that one day I’ll wake up in the moRning nd all my past will me forgotten. I have a 21 year old son, and he’s’the only reason i’m here today. My dog is my best friend now since my son moved out.
      I think I kinka know how you feel, and it touches me. Your dogs count on you, and so do the homeless you feed … I’m not the best person to give advice, but I think if you can make a person or an animal happy every day, it’s’woerth it to be on this earth. I do suffer from neuromuscular pain. Every day. I keep hoping one day the pain won’t be there. And that I will forget my childhood. Keep hoping. You are doing good things around you. And i know the suffering is terrible, but people and animals need you. Keep safe.

  3. Right now I feel like I’m on the brinks of losing my mind…& there’s nothing I can do about it. I basically raised myself & the ways of thinking I have we’re established on survival. Now those survival skills conflict with me & also reality in so many ways. I’ve been thinking for the past 8 days straight of how I could end the issues I have or just stop feeling how I do. Suicide seems to be the only permanent fix for my ‘permanent’ issues. They’ll never go away. I think of those who will be hurt when I die & it cowards me every time. I dread the next moments & next days & find myself praying I don’t see them. I have a therapist but when you’re in school & in clinicals it’s hard to make time to discuss this…It’s not like I don’t want to live…I want a family & a beautiful spouse… I do hope I get there but lately it doesn’t seem like I can do that without snapping.

    • Paige, Please don’t do anything drastic. It will do lots of harm around you. Listen. Life has ups and downs, i had many many downs, anf thought of ending my life dozens of time. If i had done it, I wouldn’t have the gorgeous loving son that i have now. Keep hoping for better times. They WILL come! Life is complicated and strange. And even unfair. But if you are strong enough to beleive you Are worth it, it will happen. Day by day. Make it work. You can do it

      Love. Chanel

  4. I searched for answers after showing myself up again when spending time withppeople who are contented. I seem to irritated with them because they don’t angst about everything. I become childish and spend time alone. I then think of suicide as escape from me. I then feel that it is my marriage I need to escape even though my easy going husband does not know the miriad of thoughts going through my head. I am very thankful though that I can move on and although remain irritable find pleasure in life. My son with aspergers and intractable depression needs me to be his support and he does not commit suicide because of me and me because of him. Is this a reciprocal arrangement that works for others?

  5. it’s always good to know other people feel this. I have generalized anxiety and depersonalization, and EVERY moment contains some trace of “I need to get away from this pain!”. Sometimes it’s SO intense and other times it’s “almost” bearable.. I don’t know how I survive (really). I try to go moment to moment and think about the wonderful things I have in life (I really do). But… this constant pain is so hard to live with!! I can’t commit suicide (I often wish I could) which scares me more, since it means I have to actually live through this. I SO pray for the day this stops and I can find some peace/rest again. It affects EVERY part of my life (marriage, work, friends, etc). I don’t remember the last time I laughed or felt really happy (I know I have for a lot of my life.. but at 57, it’s been.. 20 years?)

    Thanks for posting your stories! It’s comforting to know that some of those people at work who seem so normal are going through this too (though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!!)


  6. I feel life on earth is too hard when God has given me such a kind heart. I have non stop been hurt from the age of 3 and then from the age 10-12 years old by my father. I have had every test done and have been to counseling for 21 years in total. I have no mental illness at all. I love loving people and i love to be kind but not a fool. I have taken so many sleeping pills and other methods and i can not die which ticks me off. I do anything well but still there are so many people that are so toxic and they drain your energy and abuse you even at my age of 53. I’ve become so disconnected because of fear of people judging me because i am unique in thinking i guess. I’m an old soul and i just want to get off this planet. I guess because of being hurt so much in my life i have so many holes in my aura. I hear and see spirits/ghosts and have 8 video tapes to prove it plus 3 priests have seem them in my home as well, In addition to police officers being at my home or any home that i have rented and experienced furniture or what ever flying across the room. To top that try living with spirits entering your body. I have tried everything possible to try to stop seeing, hearing, feeling them. People say its a gift well i disagree because my body belongs to Jesus and i do not want to be some sort of medium. Some of these spirits have scratched me right in front of other people. Explain that! So yes i want off this earth badly.I want to go home which is up.150 perkacets didn’t even kill me. (forgive my spelling on that word) I am to kind hearted. My Counsilor now tells me to start being a b _ t_ch. I was shocked. And there is not a medical thing wrong with me other then thyroid. Every test possible has been done. I just want off this missible earth. And i have moved to different city’s i still feel as though i dont belong. I gather God doesn’t want me yet because i’m too good at raising other people’s vibration’s with my kindness. I wonder what the real problem is? God pls give me a break. Amen

    • I thank this site for allowing me to speak my truth. phewwwwwwww what a relief. Too many people say im too nice and that is why they hurt me physically. The dead and the living hurt me. I wish i had a shielf of armor surrounding me.I can’t even put that bubble of protection that sensitive people talk about. Cryyyyyyy it does not work for me and i can’t find anyone to teach me in person. Thats life huh. i wonder what am i suppose to learn from all this? Thank you once again remarkable site. Maybe this is my break…. being heard and not handcuffed and taken off to a hospital that lets you out in 2 days after a 10 minute talk with a doctor. (shaking my head)

  7. I gave everything I had for the last 3 months of 2012, hoping things would get better, and in the end it didn’t even matter. I tried to be a better, kinder person, and just all around improve myself. There’s just too much evil in the world.

    I’m 29 years old and last year was without a doubt the worst year of my life. I’ve never really fit in, but I’ve never had so many people go out of their way to put me down. I know, I know, it doesn’t matter what others think and you can’t control others. Believe me I’ve truly lived by this my whole life, but some of the stuff that happened last year I can’t even believe. I honestly began questioning if some of these incidents really happened, but I’m 100% sure they did. People are just plain rude.

    I’ve tried to overcome the comments and actions of others, especially when there’s a good chance I won’t ever see them again, but once I began to forget about one incident a new incident would happen. The thing is, I can’t recall a time before last year when people acted this way, maybe junior high? lol

    I just wanted something positive to look forward to this year. I don’t have to have a magical happy life right now, just give me some hope that one day my life won’t always be like this.

    If I end my life, I would without a doubt let my mother know there was absolutely nothing she could have done to stop me. She has been the best, but I’ve even told her that she can’t save my life, I have to no matter how much she tries and makes my life easier, its up to me to overcome the struggles of living.

    My father ended his life when I was 3, so never really knew him and have only seen 3-4 pictures of him. Do not own a single thing of his, my mom and him divorced before his problems. Even after a request to have his items when I turned 18, I still have nothing of his, and that pretty much ended realationship with his side of the family.

    Maybe with knowing my father ended his life, makes me seem like its more acceptable? I just know I’m in pain right now, and have been so for the past 10-12 months. I’ve been asking for something to look forward to for soo long, and I’m running out of patience.

    As Joy mentioned above, I also am curious if the people who posted from 2+ years ago are doing better? and if so what got them through this negative mindset? I know I wasn’t always like this, and I would like to think things can change and get better, but I’ll believe it when I see it

    • Chris, you are right there is a lot of evil in this world. Mabe prayer to Jehovah God will help you with your issue.

  8. One of my therapists told me I was too stupid to change and too gutless to die. Perhaps. I was repeatedly told I did not understand. I repeatedly asked what it was I did not understand. No one could tell in a way I could understand. I did make it through law school.

    My existence has been a waste of resources. I think I tried to change with all the will and insight I could muster. Nonetheless, I am told to accept I will not get better. Another therapist said I am a great example of how not to live a life.

    Why bother?

  9. I’m thirteen.

    I know. I know what you’re thinking if you’re reading this.

    I’m not too young to die, but I am too young to want to.

    I’ve told my Mother how badly I want out, how deep in I am, how emptiness has become my life. She laughs at me and calls me silly. I’ve asked for help from my Mother twice, the first time this time last year. I told my family I thought I had SAD or was Bipolar but they mocked my and called me attention seeking.

    I cut once, just to see if it took away the pain. It didn’t. I told my friends and they said the same thing as my parents.

    But everything hurts so much, each breath is difficult. And I don’t really want to die, I just want to end.

    I’m sorry for dumping this on whoever is reading this. But I can’t hang on much longer knowing my family will never take me seriously.

    I just want to be happy. I want to know there’s something worth waiting for. But I can’t fool myself forever.

  10. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16 after attempted suicide. I am now 26 and still have been dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. My life has become dreadful because of bad decision making. Which is why i want to end my life. I feel this way i wont have to deal with my problems any longer. I honestly dont believe i have an illness which is supposed to be depression, i feel that it is my life issues that causes me to go into deep despair

  11. I would like for all of that vent on this remarkable site that we all have Guardian Angels. This is no bull, just ask for your Guardian angel to give you a sign after you ask a question. They do answer you. I have done it infront of “healthy” people and then asked them if they heard the pound and they said yes but they thought it was just them. Ask your angel for a sign of some sort. You will get it as well I promise you. I have asked seriouse questions of why i want to die and have received answere’s.I GIVE ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MY WORD I AM NOT PLAYING AROUND WITH ANY OF YOU. We are on this site to be heard and hopefully to find some relief of why we want off this earth. Please consider talking to your angel and wait quietly with your eyes closed and your mind open. You will get an answere. My word is my bond and I swear it to be the truth. I know how dark of a place we all are in and I refuse to play with anyones mind,feeling’s, spirit or otherwise. Please try it.

  12. Hey good people, I just tried doing a few of these tests on this site and they are they besttttt. I feel my energy has picked up a great deal finding out more about myself in writting,(i’m a visual person). Please to all of you good people try doing some of the tests. I know how hurt we all are but please it will raise your personal vibration up and that is what we all need to do to make it out of the darkness. Gosh this site is the bomb/best Thank you site and hugging the founder of it. :) doing my little happy dance at my desk here. TRY ITTTTTTTTTTTT DO SOME OF THE TESTS.

  13. Hey good people that are in pain like myself.Have any of you tried speacking to your guardian angel as of late? Please ask your angel to releive you of the pain your going through. I’m still in pain but it comes and goes because of me being a “sensitive” meaning i hear and see spirits.Another thing that has helped me a little is google “raising your vibration” There are tones that raise your vibration to help you find some piece inside. I promise you these things work. I know how much pain we are all in and its horrific. Have any of you tried the tests that they have on this site? They are extremely good too. I feel a tiny bit better by making suggestions to all my fellow people that are in pain like myself. Trust me i am sick of earth too. I learned something as of recent though. We’re hear on earth to learn our lessons. I saw what lessons? research that and what it means and maybe send the info to me too. Please try some of the idea’s that i’m suggesting so that i don’t have to cross you over please. I’m not making fun of anyone nor am i joking. Spirits gravitate to me like crazy and they are anoying cus they make so much noise to get my attention, grrrrrrrr.I mean no disrespect to anyone i assure you. Please read some of my suggestions. They do work. I send all of you love and white light.

  14. Life is heavy for some of us. Those who feel more deeply, those who are constantly waging an uphill battle, those who have been rejected one too many times, those who don’t fit into the round hole. The outsiders who may not be socially adept or are unwilling to follow the majority. But what about the “successful” ones. I’ve know very popular people who walk all over others to get what they want. They don’t think about the cost to the ones being trampled. They simply think about how to use them to move ahead. They can justify just about any behavior. And with the advance of social networking this stuff is getting much, much worse. Betrayal has become common place and often it happens right in the home of the one being betrayed. When all is said and done there are many more broken and bruised victims. And these are the ones nobody reaches out to. They are the losers. And everyone knows America loves a winner. Some insensitive jerks will tell them to move on. And, of course, that is a very flippant thing to say to a person suffering untold sadness. If they could, they would. But trust, once broken too many times can never be found again. Friends becomes a thing to be feared rather than embraced. Now the door is opened for incredible anger and resentment of themselves and others. And then we wonder why violence is rising in our society. Oh yes, I understand the black hole of pain. And there is a point when you just want it to stop. You just want the sweet release of oblivion. If you know someone who seems like they are asking for help, often in a subtle way, reach out a hand to them. It doesn’t mean you’re committed for life. But it may mean the difference between that person’s life or their death.

  15. I’m 56 and have been married about 12 years, with an 8 year old girl. My wife is 49. I love my daughter but am no longer in love with my wife. I’m deeply in love with someone else. We have a great deal in common – much more than I have with my wife. We’ve had a physical relationship but she has pulled back. It’s been going back and forth between friend and physical. I want her to love me as much as I love her. The pain of not being with her is extremely intense and I don’t know how I can get through each day. I’ve thought of suicide but am mostly held back by hope and the desire not to hurt my daughter. This woman encourages me to woo her, but that would mean a divorce. I know I’ll probably come off as selfish, but the pain of both not being with her and of a divorce and the subsequent loneliness if things don’t work out is often too much to bear.

  16. Probably some people see me as very strong, very caring with a great intelligence and a good sense of humor. I see me as only alone, with no hope of love or even friendship. I often live with regret that I was not strong enough to take my life, but I am equally sure that something is looking out for me because I’ve been lucky one too many times.

    By all measures I have lots going for me, yet I find it ridiculously hard to find real help. That’s one of the reasons I volunteer my time, giving what I ever skills I have freely to those who need it. I’m doing it because I wish someone would do the same for me.

    I try to take some comfort in the fact that society itself is crazy, and that we shouldn’t take on the added burden of feeling responsible for not fitting in. It is not easy to do.

  17. I have been suffering with suicidal thoughts here lately. I was in a traumatic car wreck ten years ago and I have seen some things that will forever effect me. I have a beautiful gf but I am a college grad caught in an economy that has went to hell. Can not find job and feel as if there is not mor purpose in life. I owe student loans and other debts and I have not seen anything in life that makes me want to hold on! I lost my dad four years ago and every since I question faith. The burden has seem to become too much! Im not happy and never get excited about anything! Is there any other way out?

  18. i have suffered with depression for 12 years.eight weeks ago my wife of 23 years came home and told me she has an apartnment and is moving out.two of my three kids went with her im so lonley i can’t stand it.to make matters worse im disabled and have mobility problems and may face amputation of my leg i’am now stuck with all the bills which i cant pay and my daughter told me if i lose our house she is going to live with her mother.i have been thinking about suicide constantly for 7 weeks now and i want to do it so bad but im not sure how yet.oh and to make matters worse i just found out my wife is dating someone who like myself also has major health problems.don’t know what to do but i know im in so much pain i can’t stand the pain and hurt.

  19. I don’t think I would be missed. My birth family and parents are all dead. My children are all grown, two of them have no desire to see or talk to me. My husband lives to work so when he dies I have money. Close friends moved far away. So I just exist. It’s like I am supposed to just not live while hubby works until he is gone. We aren’t living now! The pain of losing my children is more rejection than I can bear. My dreams are gone, family gone, an empty home. So when the hurt and loneliness won’t stop, is that selfish to not want to live? Or are we supposed to keep suffering just because ‘maybe’ someone who didn’t care while you were alive will suffer when you die???

  20. I sit here thinking all my life I have been struggling with depression and I have never really done anything about it I have gaven my self to the lord but I feel this depression that iam still no good the things I have done in life are not forgiven by my father knowing he is a forging for iam cry inside for help for the past month all that’s been running threw my head are way to take my life I feel worthless like if iam not here or not it wont matter iam married but feel more lonely then ever when ur own spouse tells u they don’t care for u or anyone else u reach for help and everyone turns there back on u I turned to my father but why do I still feel this way I need so much help iam so scared really scared

  21. you dont need to be depressed to constantly think of finishing this life. really!

    i thought i m positive optimistic ..etc happy.everyone thinks so.

    but i v been sick – chronic pain for more than a year. and still no diagnosis. all my body is messed up. and i dont think i ll get well soon .. and i live alone, and i dont want to ask help because nobody will also help me. i have no energy anymore to keep moving between different specialists.

    i wish there was an option that i could never wake up .. i dont like to do it, i want to die suddenly, but it doesnt happen! i m tired and yes, dying is certainly a better option

  22. I have to admit,I found it very comforting to discover my thoughts are shared by others. In the end, it doesn’t change anything. I am 50 years old and had a nice life. My wife passed relatively recently. I lost everything a couple months later. Then to top it all off my health has declined to a point where I seriously doubt I’m going to bounce back from it all. The feelings of sorrow and depression have almost passed. Now, I look back and cheerish some incredible chapters in my life and think I’ve accomplished a life time already. All that’s left now is getting my things in order and go to sleep. Pain free, blissful sleep.

    I really am ok with this on my end. The problem is my wonderful girlfriend who has done so much for me and I love her dearly. The thought of hurting her is what keeps me from saying goodbye.I’m afraid to talk to her about it because she really doesn’t deserve to be brought down. She does realize that I am suffering, but that’s it.

    My question is; what is the easiest way to stop my suffering, stop being an anchor to her and not crush her when she receives the news?


  23. People commit suicide because they discover that the only way out is to accept things they grew up despising. It’s a way of life that people cannot adapt to, and it is never their fault. There are many forms of unjustified suicide, but someone who suffers in their innocence should be forgiven for any pain they inflict upon their peers. Suicide is not selfish at all, because that pain comes from the people that will be hurt. More or less, the pain from a friend’s suicide is simply a forced return of all the sorrow they’ve been forcefully injected with.

  24. I think that article was very insightful.
    I’m living with depression and suicidal ideation. In the last 5 years, several family members have died, I have a gravely ill parent, and my marriage is a dismal failure. I feel alone, empty and have to drag myself through each and every miserable day.
    I’m supposed to be taking antidepressants, but drugs aren’t going to cure the problem. No pill ever brought anyone back to life, or fixed a cold and unloving spouse. All pills do is let you cope with ‘the problem’ better, but the problem is still there.
    The fact is, I can’t fix the problems in my life. I can’t raise the dead. I’ve tried fixing my marriage but there’s just nothing there–I don’t feel anything other than a desire to start fresh away from him. And unfortunately not for lack of trying, I can not change my life in any regard. Believe me, I’ve tried for a long while but there’s nothing more to do.
    So I sit depressed completely…waiting until I find the energy and courage to end it all. I’d like to think if I had the ‘means’ to do it I would…but the ‘means’ I want are unavailable to me. Plus I know what the survivors of my suicide would feel like because I’ve been there myself…I lost someone close to me through suicide. I wouldn’t want to inflict that pain on anyone. But part of me feels like I just don’t care–I just want my own pain to finally end.
    But for now, I sit on the fence contemplating, wondering, and wanting to feel ‘different’ …hoping something perks up inside me and I feel something other than soul-crushing misery and emptiness. All I feel is either depressed or numb…there is no happy anymore.

  25. I am a single parent living in France, my teenager daughters speak French fluently and I feel totally excluded from their lives. Since the death of my Mother 2 years ago I had a nervous breakdown and have been in and out of a French mental hospital since she died.I was recently there again after a failed overdose and as I am unable to communicate with the nurses, doctors and patients because of the language barrier the hospitalisation is pointless and makes me more isolated. I have been diagnosed as bipolar and have spent the past month in bed, eating very little and thinking about ending my life but I am afraid that a suicide attempt will fail.A year ago I lost my job and now have serious debts so in 6 months I will be bankrupt with nowhere to live in a country where I cannot speak the language. I have no family here and very few friends and I am scared to leave the house. I feel so guilty and hate everything about myself. I wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up. I am living in a nightmare and every day is worse than the last.There is no hope for me and I am living in the past recriminating myself for my life choices,hiding in my bed and willing the clock to stop ticking.

  26. After reading this article, and many of its comments, I felt inclined to share my own thoughts. My own life story is an irrelevant mess which I have no wish to discuss. That being said, I would like to point out that many people have issues which are beyond resolution, beyond any kind of repair or solution. I am one of them, this existence is not worth the pain I suffer maintaining it. I will be dead within the month, as I have tried everything conceivable to repair the damage, to no avail. I hope that I will be remembered fondly, as I have done my utmost to help my fellow humans.

  27. I am 33. I went to college. I have no spouse, no kids, and no real obligations save a cat friend. I was an artist once. The only thing that comes out is a profound weariness. I stopped creating because everything that came out me turned into darkness. I am not depressed. I do not nor will I take medication. I am tired. I have been tired for a decade now.I refuse to alter my brain chemistry to better suit me to a world that suits no one. This world simply does not matter to me. It began dawning on me in my early 20’s that this world has become little more than a fool’s errand. None of it matters. I peeked behind the veil. There is no good no evil. There really isn’t a right or a wrong. There is no god. There is no one looking out for anyone or anything. There is only probability and emptiness. I mean the sort of emptiness that permeates all things. When I was younger I cultivated this emptiness perhaps I thought it was purity. In many ways it still feels like it is. All actions are in fact devoid of meaning. I can help you as well as hurt you. For me it has become little more than two sides of the same coin. For a while I could hide in nature. A 20 mile hike up the side of a mountain was able to cure me. Now that gas prices are over $4.00 I can’t even afford that. I once believed in a few things. I thought with the proper organization of society humans would achieve a better world. I thought that was worth working towards. The first decade of the 21st century has proven me wrong. The world we have built for ourselves is worthy only of contempt and disdain. We kill each other and our planet in hopes of accruing small bits of paper…at this point digital representations of small bits of paper, how’s that for simulacrum? Billions of humans labor each day in order to secure a bit food and place to lay their bodies. Billions of humans waste their lives keeping a system running that serves the singular purpose of grinding the majority of us into the dirt in order to enrich a few. The misery and waste rises to an empty heaven. The prayers of faithful go unanswered and the machine continues to rampage. We have become too docile to even fight back against the destruction of our own lives. I am one of you. I spent a year on unemployment. I just started a new job making less money. It really isn’t even enough to survive on. I can’t speak. I can’t tell them what I am really thinking. I would be fired. I would be called insubordinate and subversive and laid off like I was at my last job. I am silent. Beneath the fluorescent lights I am screaming, but I cannot say a word. I must look eager. I must be a good employee. I’m tired. I am running out of the ability to delude myself that things can change. I know I am deluding myself. Things are not going to change. There will be no grand revolution. There won’t even be a marginal improvement. Why am I still here? I receive no joy from anything more. Why bother continuing? Why bother caring for these few meters of flesh? Why continue this forced march of life? I am tired of enriching a few fools. I have been looking for a way out since I first realized I was in. As of this moment I can conceive of only three ways out. The first is to secure enough money to buy your way. Become the master and make the serfs work for you. The second is to walk out of the system and become homeless. If people think you have nothing to offer they will leave you alone. The third is just to end my life. No more worries. No more failed dreams. No thought. No existence. No pain. Nothing. That is purity.

  28. I feel that as soon as you are hospitalized, the lesson learned there is that you, NNEVER NEVER want people, especially doctors, want to know whats troubling you. That you are fat. That you are useless. That your pursuits willnever mount to anything, and are just diversions, to pass your time on earth. The overwhelming sorrows produced by disasters and the stories of heroes grab me. My sister calls me a coward becuse she works and has a house, and I am not able to make it out my apartment door. I cannot decide if outside factors are influencing me to stay put or is it my will that I am adhering to. The added confusion of meds just gets me to the point where I dont know WHO I AM …. The medicine makes me a robot… And I KNOW WHO THAT PERSON IS…. And it leaves me with an mpty space. ….am I so fraught with faults that I must obey a chemical to march through my day. Yes. I can understand where the current avenues of help are failing m. Yes, i am continually confused. No, I will not succumb. SImply because I am hardwired as a Catholic. At 6 years old, the nuns paited such a horrible picture of hell, that I will gladly do my time here, and have it end with my death. Nevermind all that, and more for eternity. Also, i am processing lot on my own, going against my natural inclinations with reason. Maybe I will try Behaviour Thought Control…. Something the psychiatrist recommended, but I am not at all thrilled with their understanding of the problem so I expect very little in results. Acupuncture orks for awhile. I have no patience for meditation…. And so I HAVE TAVELED THE LONG ROAD AND AM STILL HERE AT 55. I go out and the shopkeepers smile is enough to bring my day up. I will sqeak by. I have done so far, like a silent slow turtle.

  29. I started out playing alone in the kindergarden.
    Went on to getting bullied in pre-school.
    Went on to getting physically and mentally bullied at school. Kicked their asses with my at the time “incredible” strength compared to classmates in 6th grade. Pshycological and tactical lock out or harassmenet thereafter.
    Went on untill High School were I changed school and got the district’s best grades in IT, got joboffers after two years in school. Picked the best. Previous experiences affected me, and I felt small and worthless.
    Went on as a junior consultant for a hughe WW Shipping company. Boss and environment offered bullying and pressure beyond my limits.
    Doctor gave me a sick leave for one year.
    Country state gives me money now, nothing compared to my previous job. Been out of work for four years. Won’t get better. Using 60mg Paroksetin daily with 15mg valium. I have two small kids.
    I’m fucking struggelig to live on. Was institutionalized for a breif period.
    Now, whaever I do, it feels worthless. My wife is short tempered with me, and she expects more whenever I try harder. I have no friends. I use a shrink-specialist weekly and I see my doctor every month.

    What the fuck is my life. It’s nothing. Though I can’t bring myself to suicide because of my love for my kids.

    What the fuck shall I do. This miserable life is killing me without the knife.

  30. I’m flawed, I know that one day I will blow my head off. Its in the cards. It’s what goes on in my head that is flawed. It has happened since time began. There was a “fix” for what ails me. The Aussie aborigines call it “walkabout.” The age we live in does not allow for such things. Technology and the info age killed (sic) the walkabout. I flyfish and tie flys. Being in the water or next to it. That is my escape. I can stand in a stream, river, lake, sea, for 10 hours, avidly fly casting, tying line, changing flies…. Not catching one fish. If I’m in the water swimming or whatever, I feel at “home.” I stay under water until my lungs feel like they will explode. I have allways been the kid who could hold his breath longer than anyone. I don’t suffer when I’m doing that. I’m at peace. But I have to get off the stream, out of the pool, and back to “life.”
    I cannot stand the pain. I drink, or drug, or collect, usually drug. I have no favourite, they just have to numb the pain. Pain is a bad word, it implies physical pain. I don’t have physical pain.
    One night I drink 12 beers get drunk, pass out, piss myself, wake up late feeling like shit. But in a way I’m glad because I know that at some point I’m going to feel better. That is what it’s all about!!! Feeling “better”. So the reward comes. Drugs are easier , cleaner. Easy to hide and I usually don’t get into fights, arguments, one night stands… It’s much more dangerous though ..
    I don’t give a fuck, problem is that I do. And It will kill me.

    • More. I don’t believe in a “god.” I’m much to logical. There is no god, except in those that need a god to justify the pain, suffering and misery that is life.
      I really think this whole thing is an experiment, two Piersons puppeteers sitting somewhere laughing there asses off about the holocaust, earthquakes, war.. You get the point.

  31. Like it’s been said so many times in the above posts,yes I want to live,but not like this.
    In constant pain,darkness,hopelessness,dispair… I just want the suffering to end.
    I am 37 yer old,I’ve ruined the majority of my life by being a drug addict,I relapsed nearly 2 years ago and I can’t see a way out.
    The only reason that stops me from killing myself is my mum,who I love so much,and who loves me unconditionally,I don’t want to be responsible for the devestation my suicide would cause for her.
    I am alone,i push people away,I’ve no family,no kids,but I’ve got to keep going.
    For my mums sake.
    I just wish a would stop hurting so much.

  32. I’m there today..in that dark place. My depression is situational but however hard I try my situation is getting harder and harder to bare. My partner of 28 years ended our relationship. I am in debt, my mum who said I could mov in with her has decided to sell up and go in a retirement home. My children are all young adults, all bad with money and lean on me for financial support I am unable to give. I have a job, but am aware my employers are likely to sack me as they find my bouts of depression a problem and non productive. Today…I searched for a way out online, not to survive but to help me die, I’m a coward but I am no benefit to my one anymore, my employer,my children even my mother….no one will actually be better off if I live. I am in pain everyday…,my son came home from uni and asked me to promise not to be depressed next time he sees me….how can I promise that, I can pretend but I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend I wasn’t born.

  33. For the past year my thoughts of taken my own life have become more and more frequent, it use to be only once in a while and after the 1st attempt 7 years ago I’ve learnt to notice the signs. The only problem is I don’t want to fight againt it anymore. Somethings are meant to end and life ends for all kinds of reasons mine will just end because I’ve decided to allow it to end!. 2 years ago roughly I thought I was unhappy with how my life was and the fact it was not working anymore, I thought my wife and children were all unhappy and thought by leaving things would change. After leaving we all went through so much and it all seemed caused by my selfish act of leaving. Im turning 30 tomorrow and all I can think of now is how much I miss my family unit, I miss having my wife and children there everyday. I’ve told them over and over again that I’m sorry and that I want to fix everything and make it right again. As you would expect in this situation they have all learnt to get on with things with me not living there and obvs my wife has moved on. I know this is my fault and I should have realised they would.

    So were does that leave me?!…. Turning 30 and the most deprest that I’ve ever been and the only way I see of escaping now is to just end it. I know how I’m going to do it and when.

    I get some people can fight against it but I’m donw fighting now :)

  34. I read many of the comments. Some I agree with, some not. I know that my feelings are not original but they’re the only ones that I have. I am 61 years old and have been depressed since memory serves me. I have survived because the fear of the unknown has always managed to keep my suicidal tendencies in check and living was merely something that seemed necessary. Last year I had a stroke which has pushed me to the edge. I’ve spent most of my life pretending that things might get better. Who am I kidding? Things DO NOT GET BETTER! I’ll be honest. I am a coward. This insanity has got to end. I desperately want out but I just can’t muster the courage to perform my swansong. I have been told that all living things have an innate predisposition to survive. Mine has left me.

    • I hope you are still here. Everything I find seems to be outdated and most of what I do find are posts from younger people. My age is a huge factor in my hopelessness. I feel that there isn’t time for things to “get better”. As much as I used to believe that (and so many other things) I now know that’s not true. Things can go from bad, to worse, to worse, to worse… There is so end unless I cause it.

  35. Since I didn’t ask to come here, then why do I have to stay? Obviously, no one else asked for me to come here either, but I find myself here. Life is a curse for me that continues to drag on. Is G-d a Jester and only mocking me? Or am I selfish and only looking for happiness? I’m just looking for an ounce of hope when none is there. Now my only hope is a quiet, quick, and anonymous death, but life is not that kind.

  36. why do we go on when life is gone. why continue to live the lie that we call a life sometimes the smart thing is to just go away and end it all nothing stops the pain. nothing makes it better all I do is make people around me miserable so they want to leave me alone that’s okay it will be easier for the once I am gone. the world will be better off without me and I will be better off without it. . I need a way out a way that my son will not have to see it. he is old enough to take care of him self adn will be better off once I am gone. then he can go on with his life as he should. .

  37. does no one else want to …end it all…because so many things cause such immense pain and sorrow? I hurt for all that hurt, and cry with all that cry. Everyone’s pain is my own…I wish I could take it from them…I cannot bear it, but I can neither bear to see others hurt in any way…And, everyone in the world hurts in some way. It is like a constant barrage of pain in my heart…I often cannot control my tears…I cannot bear the pain of other..and, heaped upon that is my own pain. That is often trivial to their’s, but just so much, all around…

  38. Hi, I’m 16 years old and I’m brazilian. I understand this situation, I’m feeling everything you wrote here, I don’t know what I have to do, I can’t see any solution for my life, everytime I try live, something pulls me down. It’s really hard wake up each day.

  39. I agree with the post by “empty” 100%. Those who have not had these thoughts or mental illness will never understand. I am 43, married for 20 yrs, have a wonderful 21 yr old son. I think about dying a lot. It’s not a matter of “if”, it’s when.

  40. October 12 is my date… This life can be very bad.

  41. Many of you are so brave and believe. I am 44 and am just plain worn out. I am living for my daughter and have been through counseling for myself for years. Been thinking about how to end life for years but won’t leave my daughter in a vulnerable state. Been focusing on my teen for the past few years being she has been suicidal and lost her best friend due to suicide a couple years ago. I just can’t focus on both of us and I’ve lost myself. I’m bipolar, ADHD and severely depressed. Lost my job, house, etc. Denied disability. Lost my good job. Daughter is all I have left. No friends. Family is extremely negative and I can’t be around them anymore. Just don’t want to do it anymore. Feel frozen. Do a good job “hiding it” around my daughter as long as I’m on my meds. Biding my time until she leaves home so I can be alone and leave this world then when she doesn’t need me. Can’t help but feel this way. Just had to vent somewhere.

    • hello kari.
      wow , you sound like me. i’m 48 years old and recently lost my dad .my daughter is 17 and I barely
      see her.my ex is a monster beyond words.i have no job now but i’m currently looking while trying to
      battle depression (20 years and counting) so filled
      with pain it actually numbs me to the bone. sad thing is that i’m a good ,caring ,person that just
      lost my way. the really hard part of it all is burdening everyone else. so much guilt and disappointment i’m almost afraid to be happy.
      sometimes I feel like laughing really loud in
      a crowded mall just to lighten the load.i don’t
      know, maybe i’m just so tired to.stay in touch
      and hold on ,o.k. wishing you well. timothy

  42. Lately I have felt relay down. I have for years but it hasn’t been this bad. I have friends trying to help but the cant because they don’t understand. I have to make a change this weekend I feel like its my only chance. I cant stand it any more. This weekend is my last weekend. I know I’m young but I just cant. There is to much now.

  43. I’ve never contemplated suicide in my life before. Now I am 22. I am from a small town in Burma. I got into a reputable university in foreign country, which only the brightest and wealthiest in my country could enter. I thought I could finance it. I used up all my parents’ money. I worked part-time for very long hours. But still, I can’t finance it. Aids for international students are limited, and I’ve used up all the limited ones. I have no way back. I left my family in ruins. And I have no move forward. They sent me to pay the fees latest by this December. Transfer is the only option. Of course, if it fails, suicide is the only thing left for me.

  44. The pain of living is far greater than the pain of dying. There is an old saying. Get busy living or get busy dying. With the pain I live with everyday, getting busy dying would be better.

  45. The only reason I am still here is bc even though I know my kids don’t really need me I also know my suicide would scar them for life. I live each day with invading thoughts that I am just not worth it. I pray for God to just take me out so I don’t have to hurt anymore. There’s no release from this.

    • dear andrea,
      I completely understand what you are going through.
      I wish I had some healing words of wisdom for you;
      a book you could read, or a bible passage to comfort you but i do not. basically life sucks
      you dry and then spits you out .the only way I seem
      to go on is to rip them off my head and do what
      my heart tells me; move slowly,speak softly,and
      accept the fact that life here is just the beginning. let the others pitty you. let them not
      understand because very few will.
      i’m not gonna go into my problems because frankly
      i’m in the process of washing them away and when
      I wake in the morning angry at god for not taking me while I slept,i just smile and say to him and
      to the world-just watch,i’ll get better and not
      for anyone but me because I deserve it.anyone that
      tries to push me down in any way, any more, has
      my sympathy. please just live and find a way to
      what to live without regrets and guilt.just try to
      wash it all away and start anew.
      as for me I plan to move away in the near future,
      get a job,continue writing my book,and paint.
      some small town that’s quiet and full of genuine
      people is where I aim to be.
      I wish you well,with all my heart. timothy

  46. I feel depressed and this artical describes me perfectly i just want to leave and not have to deal with this pain

  47. I agree with a lot of comments. I most agree with the people who are sick of suicide being characterized as selfish. Who the hell are you to tell us that we are selfish for wanting to end it. You don’t understand how damn painful it is to live sometimes, not to have anyone meaningful give a flying shit about being in your life, in spite of trying to be a standup person and showing love to others. Or going on endlessly, living with low paying meaningless jobs, in spite of having a top tier education, that you worked your ever loving ass off to get. Seeing others, with their lives blossoming, while you sit and slog through, wait for the phone to ring or get a message from someone who actually f’king cares. And people wonder why there are drinkers amongst us. Yes, I will finally do it, when I can figure out the best and most painless way to finally go. Many days, I simply hope that fate will take me, while trying to save someone else’ life, as in the line of duty.

    • I here you styles ,I really do. nobody actually
      cares,in part, because they just don’t get it.they
      pressure you to just be happy,get a job,and get over it and all the while they just want to get away from you. sucks, I know. basically they are
      just ignorant. I found it helpful to completely
      ignore them now and slowly move forward at my own
      pace. i’m not gonna go into what I’ve been through
      ,but it’s not good ,not good at all.i wish I could
      help you find peace in this twisted world, styles.
      I wish I could find my own
      to end it all get more appealing each at every day
      and it’s a struggle that each of us deals with
      differently.i wonder why I keep holding on when I’ve lost so very much to depression.
      the only thing I can do keep moving forward and
      tune out everybody in hopes an answer will come.

      • I wake up anxious and depressed. I get bathe, dress, makeup and force myself to get to a job I hate. To pay for a life I hate. My two children love their father more than me. Even though I put him through school and he is thankless. I worked my tail off and he lives like a king. He spent time with the kids while I worked 3 jobs. Now I have no kids, my mother is old and will die and I hate my ex.

  48. I have always struggled with depression but anxiety as taken over my life over the past two years. I’ve tried prescription drugs, natural remedies, lifestyle changes, diet changes, psychotherapy, exercise – you name it. Things will help for a while and then the depression and anxiety come back in full force. When I’m not wanting to cry, I am panicked, dizzy, and exhausted. Lately I have the added stress and hopelessness that comes with being financially crippled. Things that might help – like traveling, going out, etc., are not an option because of that.

    I don’t know how much longer I can keep forcing myself to live this life. I feel as though I am treading water all the time and everything takes a Herculean effort. I don’t view suicide as selfish, but I remember my parents and my husband and I know that I could never do that to them. Every now and again I get a couple of hours where I feel like myself and that brings me back. But always without fail, I get pulled back into the darkness. I wish I had a way to feel better, but I am slowly losing my energy to try.

  49. I know the meaning of life or I am I wrong

    You ready
    Free Will.

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