509 Comments to
Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

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  1. October 12 is my date… This life can be very bad.

  2. Many of you are so brave and believe. I am 44 and am just plain worn out. I am living for my daughter and have been through counseling for myself for years. Been thinking about how to end life for years but won’t leave my daughter in a vulnerable state. Been focusing on my teen for the past few years being she has been suicidal and lost her best friend due to suicide a couple years ago. I just can’t focus on both of us and I’ve lost myself. I’m bipolar, ADHD and severely depressed. Lost my job, house, etc. Denied disability. Lost my good job. Daughter is all I have left. No friends. Family is extremely negative and I can’t be around them anymore. Just don’t want to do it anymore. Feel frozen. Do a good job “hiding it” around my daughter as long as I’m on my meds. Biding my time until she leaves home so I can be alone and leave this world then when she doesn’t need me. Can’t help but feel this way. Just had to vent somewhere.

    • hello kari.
      wow , you sound like me. i’m 48 years old and recently lost my dad .my daughter is 17 and I barely
      see her.my ex is a monster beyond words.i have no job now but i’m currently looking while trying to
      battle depression (20 years and counting) so filled
      with pain it actually numbs me to the bone. sad thing is that i’m a good ,caring ,person that just
      lost my way. the really hard part of it all is burdening everyone else. so much guilt and disappointment i’m almost afraid to be happy.
      sometimes I feel like laughing really loud in
      a crowded mall just to lighten the load.i don’t
      know, maybe i’m just so tired to.stay in touch
      and hold on ,o.k. wishing you well. timothy

  3. Lately I have felt relay down. I have for years but it hasn’t been this bad. I have friends trying to help but the cant because they don’t understand. I have to make a change this weekend I feel like its my only chance. I cant stand it any more. This weekend is my last weekend. I know I’m young but I just cant. There is to much now.

  4. I’ve never contemplated suicide in my life before. Now I am 22. I am from a small town in Burma. I got into a reputable university in foreign country, which only the brightest and wealthiest in my country could enter. I thought I could finance it. I used up all my parents’ money. I worked part-time for very long hours. But still, I can’t finance it. Aids for international students are limited, and I’ve used up all the limited ones. I have no way back. I left my family in ruins. And I have no move forward. They sent me to pay the fees latest by this December. Transfer is the only option. Of course, if it fails, suicide is the only thing left for me.

  5. The pain of living is far greater than the pain of dying. There is an old saying. Get busy living or get busy dying. With the pain I live with everyday, getting busy dying would be better.

  6. The only reason I am still here is bc even though I know my kids don’t really need me I also know my suicide would scar them for life. I live each day with invading thoughts that I am just not worth it. I pray for God to just take me out so I don’t have to hurt anymore. There’s no release from this.

    • dear andrea,
      I completely understand what you are going through.
      I wish I had some healing words of wisdom for you;
      a book you could read, or a bible passage to comfort you but i do not. basically life sucks
      you dry and then spits you out .the only way I seem
      to go on is to rip them off my head and do what
      my heart tells me; move slowly,speak softly,and
      accept the fact that life here is just the beginning. let the others pitty you. let them not
      understand because very few will.
      i’m not gonna go into my problems because frankly
      i’m in the process of washing them away and when
      I wake in the morning angry at god for not taking me while I slept,i just smile and say to him and
      to the world-just watch,i’ll get better and not
      for anyone but me because I deserve it.anyone that
      tries to push me down in any way, any more, has
      my sympathy. please just live and find a way to
      what to live without regrets and guilt.just try to
      wash it all away and start anew.
      as for me I plan to move away in the near future,
      get a job,continue writing my book,and paint.
      some small town that’s quiet and full of genuine
      people is where I aim to be.
      I wish you well,with all my heart. timothy

  7. I feel depressed and this artical describes me perfectly i just want to leave and not have to deal with this pain

  8. I agree with a lot of comments. I most agree with the people who are sick of suicide being characterized as selfish. Who the hell are you to tell us that we are selfish for wanting to end it. You don’t understand how damn painful it is to live sometimes, not to have anyone meaningful give a flying shit about being in your life, in spite of trying to be a standup person and showing love to others. Or going on endlessly, living with low paying meaningless jobs, in spite of having a top tier education, that you worked your ever loving ass off to get. Seeing others, with their lives blossoming, while you sit and slog through, wait for the phone to ring or get a message from someone who actually f’king cares. And people wonder why there are drinkers amongst us. Yes, I will finally do it, when I can figure out the best and most painless way to finally go. Many days, I simply hope that fate will take me, while trying to save someone else’ life, as in the line of duty.

    • I here you styles ,I really do. nobody actually
      cares,in part, because they just don’t get it.they
      pressure you to just be happy,get a job,and get over it and all the while they just want to get away from you. sucks, I know. basically they are
      just ignorant. I found it helpful to completely
      ignore them now and slowly move forward at my own
      pace. i’m not gonna go into what I’ve been through
      ,but it’s not good ,not good at all.i wish I could
      help you find peace in this twisted world, styles.
      I wish I could find my own
      to end it all get more appealing each at every day
      and it’s a struggle that each of us deals with
      differently.i wonder why I keep holding on when I’ve lost so very much to depression.
      the only thing I can do keep moving forward and
      tune out everybody in hopes an answer will come.

      • I wake up anxious and depressed. I get bathe, dress, makeup and force myself to get to a job I hate. To pay for a life I hate. My two children love their father more than me. Even though I put him through school and he is thankless. I worked my tail off and he lives like a king. He spent time with the kids while I worked 3 jobs. Now I have no kids, my mother is old and will die and I hate my ex.

  9. I have always struggled with depression but anxiety as taken over my life over the past two years. I’ve tried prescription drugs, natural remedies, lifestyle changes, diet changes, psychotherapy, exercise – you name it. Things will help for a while and then the depression and anxiety come back in full force. When I’m not wanting to cry, I am panicked, dizzy, and exhausted. Lately I have the added stress and hopelessness that comes with being financially crippled. Things that might help – like traveling, going out, etc., are not an option because of that.

    I don’t know how much longer I can keep forcing myself to live this life. I feel as though I am treading water all the time and everything takes a Herculean effort. I don’t view suicide as selfish, but I remember my parents and my husband and I know that I could never do that to them. Every now and again I get a couple of hours where I feel like myself and that brings me back. But always without fail, I get pulled back into the darkness. I wish I had a way to feel better, but I am slowly losing my energy to try.

  10. I know the meaning of life or I am I wrong

    You ready
    Free Will.

  11. In 2005 I was in an automobile accident while at work and little did I know, I lost everything in life that was important to me.
    Workers Comp has followed me and refuses to pay for physical therapy any longer be cause it has not been successful but it did help to reduce the pain if only temporary. The most they do is pay for pain medication and in no way does that work any more. They did not pay my orthopedic doctor in a timely manner and harassed him so he refuses to see me now. Everyday of my freaking life I wake up with severe pain. Every day I have horrible headaches, back pain and neck pain that is so horrible that it feels like I need to hold my head so that it does not flop over. I pay for my own mental treatment because it is too much paperwork to request them to and I am severely depressed and sleep 12-14 hours a day now. My husband tries to be supportive but he feels hopeless because no doctor wants to see someone on my employer’s Workers Comp because of the harassment and paperwork involved not to forget how hard it is to get paid. I often think of suicide. Ramming my car into a bunch of trees or an 18 wheeler. Over dosing on my meds and even shooting myself and I have no idea why I just don’t do it other than I am raising my granddaughter and she has no one else. I always look sad, I lost my position at work that I worked YEARS to get, I have trouble keeping my house up and I rarely cook a decent meal when I used to do it all with ease. We even lost our trucking company because I could not do the paperwork any longer and my husband had to take care of me for a while. We have little money now with a huge house note, lots of bills that are a struggle to pay and we even filed for bankruptcy. I am so ashamed and I am useless, I have no worth and I don’t contribute to my marriage. We have had marital relations 5 times since the accident and I was sick for days afterwards due to the pain and nausea. I have nothing to live for. There will not even be a settlement because what I will get will go to pay W/C back for the monies they have spent on my behalf. I think perhaps the only thing that has stopped me from killing myself is knowing they want me to die so they do not have to pay anything else. I hate my life, I hate myself and I have aged greatly due to the pain. I weigh 103lbs and look terrible, my face is full of wrinkles plus I have no muscles left due to lack of activity because I am always in pain. I hate my life now because of what it has become. NOTHING

  12. Hi. I always had a very different take on suicide than other people. I think those who have left us by suicide are the most sane people on the planet. If you find happiness in this world, you’re either extremely fortunate or very insane. If you’re fortunate or cursed enough to have people you love, who you don’t want to hurt, sometimes a person will die a thousand deaths by continuing to live (pun intended there) just to keep the lives of loved ones from becoming more difficult because of your loss. I wonder, though, if a person can truly live for any amount of time, if it is only for the sake of other people. Sometimes I think that if the people suicidal ones love, love them back as much in return, they’d rather go through the agony of your loss than have you live through it. I noticed that when people are physically sick and they die, others say it is better he/she is no longer in pain anymore. People don’t seem to get what they can’t see, but the pain is just as real or bigger, and just because it is unseen doesn’t mean it should be belittled or minimized. People leave parties all the time, when they’re not enjoying them. They come up with an excuse to leave. Suicide doesn’t happen with people who enjoy life. Hey, it’s a gift. Some of us don’t’ want the gift. All of us never asked for it in the first place. I’d have not given consent were I given the courtesy to be asked before being spawned. I’m spent and way tired. I wish I were free to die. Sleep is the closest thing I could get to it right now, and I find it to be blissful…just wish it never had to end. I have so much more to say, but the words I escaping me.

  13. I’m a 33 year old female and I have depression and everyday I have to deal with living is becoming worse and worse.I hate having to deal with so many painful hours of the day.I can’t take the pain no more because it hurts me so much to live anymore.There’s no way for me to escape my pain,I have already written out my suicide note.No one will miss me anyway so no one will be hurt about my death,I’m sitting here in my bedroom alone with a knife in my hand and I have a strong urge to slit my wrist which I will do.I’m trapped in a black hole with no way out and I want out,nothing in my life will ever change and get better.Its too late for me.

  14. I have been through to much. Don’t you think I have earned the right to choose if I want to end it? All I do is cause more pain to others than no help? All I want is to be happy yet I cannot achieve this. So what is the point? Is it for cliche lines like life will get better? Bollocks.

  15. In my first comment I said that I have no way to escape my pain,but I do have one way to escape and that is sleep.I sleep 12-18 hours a day.My depression was caused by the death of my dad,the death of my best friends,the death of my aunt,and my God dad.Also I was terminated from my job,I worked at my job for 13 years and they terminated me for something I was falsely accused of doing.I have been job searching and putting in apps but no one has called me.I was denied unemployment so I have on income.There’s just no point in me going on anymore.

  16. I lost around 50% of my hearing after getting German measles aged 16. I am 49 now and my deafness is around 90-95% and l have terrible problems with my hearing in social situations, and especially at work where my deafness is a daily struggle even with a powerful hearing aid. On top of that I have absolutely zero confidence, so I am indecisive, and slow to react to questions and in conversation etc. I have been called dumb, stupid, thick, a dunce & numerous other negative names most of my life. This is despite having a managerial job and owning a couple of buy to let properties. Some people light up a room when they walk into it, I darken it. People go out of their way to avoid having anything to do with me and I have lost most of my friends. Over the years I have become more awkward in social situations and this has resulted in personality disorders. I curse my parents for bringing me into this world even though I know its not their fault. The only way I can describe how people react around me is like someone who has extreme body odour. As children growing up we have so many hopes and dreams and you never think your personality is going to have such a negative affect on everyone you meet. No therapy is going to cure my deafness or make me a more intelligent person.I challenge anyone who has lived my life not to feel suicidal.

  17. Money is the most evilest thing mankind has created, is what driven my thoughts of ending myself. God, I don’t want to be a slave of Money, but then everyone around is his servant which if you refused to keen, you will be come some alien that living off the street. All I wanted is living freely and grow my own food, but turns out that’s too much too ask for. It feels like living in a no fence prison, everything is Money driven. WHY are we living backwards ? Just WHY?

  18. I am at that point, i am weighting my reasons, reasons to live, reasons to die, the only reason to live is that i dont want to cause anyone any pain, I am worried I wil cause more disappointment and hurt and my reasons to die are even more simple.. life has won, I am very unhappy and its been going on for years, i am tired of being unhappy, death might be the peace i am looking for.

  19. I quite frankly have had enough. Today I badly cut myself all over my chest and stomach, both arms and have reached the point of despair.

    I can no longer cope and am sick and fucking tired of dumb ass people saying “suck it up” or “those thoughts and ideas are selfish” etc.

    I’m sick an fucking tired of retarded governments and policies that are racist and in violation of peoples human rights.

    Policies that cause people to become extremely vulnerable.

    Especially those who actually do have something to offer, yet all these people who do fuck all get anything and everything.

    I’ve had it. I’m fucked off with this shit. I never asked to be this way. Neither did I ask for the fucking childhood I experienced nor did I have a choice in where I was born.

    I hope that many people wake up. Especially those ignorant people out there.

  20. Everyone has a story of being suicidal or having the opinion of suicide. All experiences are unique. I have a story that intertwines throughout all.
    Everyone who says suicide is a selfish act have not been in that place. Saying that, when I am not suicidal I understand how they can see it as selfish. Awww enough said

  21. Thank you for such a brilliant post on this subject, best i have read about it. Thanks again

  22. Nice to have “Recommended for you’s”…thanks!
    I would never kill myself, but am I killing myself by just laying down to die? YUP! For 3 years I sat with a Spiritual mentor who put much of what I needed to stay here and do this, life.
    Also, I must have one very strong DNA survival because as much as it hurts to live I keep breathing and caring about myself enough to be honest and reach out. I get glimpses of hope here and there. I am a survivor of a loved one who did hang himself to death. That’s a hard pill. There is survivors guilt in that for me. My bio Brother had been suicidal and admitted these past few months. The bed I feel can be as deadly as the razor for me. I do have hope that something will shake me out of this and I do trust this process? No, ya, I’m really really sad. With all I’ve been through, abuse, I’ve softened rather than hardened and I’m glad for that, I am very sensitive. Horses were my savior. But, now, I have been without them for a few years. My farm animals were my heart. The wide open was my sanctuary and I was blessed there. We lost that farm. I am haunted by my horses eyes as they were loaded. One died, just fell over and died soon after she left. Guess I did too. My Spirit is in the dark night of the soul. I do believe in the pendulum. As dark as it has ever been in my life, I have always ALWAYS experienced times light. However, I’m waiting for the light to come back on….and I think I’m glad I came here, found this place to perhaps help me. I keep setting up “light” experiences for myself. Putting things in my path that are lovely. Hopefully soon, one will grab hold and off I’ll go again, being a very happy, grateful active survivor. <3

  23. I intend to end my life this week, bought drugs, need to tell my friends my plans as we are moving to a new house together and the rent is under a join contract. Just had to tell people who might empathise. Weird thinking that 31 yrs. ago I did not exist and soon, I will return to non-being while the world will go on.

  24. Life is incredibly painful. I don’t want to die; I just want the pain to stop.

  25. the reality is that suicide will lead to just as bad if not worse feelings and thoughts in the after-death condintion.whether anyone believes this or not doesnt change the fear of that possibility in the people who are bright enough to realize that suicide isnt a way out.the only way out is in.

  26. I always find it amusing that people who want to live find people that don’t “defective”. I look at my life a the price I have to pay for my next one. For some reason, I was born, and their is something I need to learn, become, etc before I can move on to the real place. I will pay my dues, but when my chest tightens, a smile comes over my face. My test is almost done! Ya

  27. I’ve made 2 serious suicide attempts. So this is a serious subject for me. Both of these attempts were spur-of-the-moment decisions. (This does not mean, however, that I regretted them afterward.) I know I’m supposed to call someone for help in these situations. The problem is, if I’m rational enough to call someone, chances are I’m not in danger. But, if I’m genuinely in danger, it’s more than likely I won’t be rational enough to call someone. I’ll just want to die. I wonder how many other suicidal individuals feel this way?
    There seems to be no answer to the problem. At least no one has come up with one yet.

  28. Its hard to put on a mask everyday and tell the world that I am just like them when I am so disconnected from everyone else. This is something from my journal when I was REALLY deep in depression. For me it is the perfect example of the hell that I have been through but as the days go on I have learned that I am a lot stronger then I thought…

    The Depression is back. It is like, every time I take a breathe the darkness grabs me. I fall down into myself, a dark place where I only hear my past regrets rocking back and forth in my brain. Hitting hard against my skull and when I finally open my eyes…all I see is my left wrist. The perfect place that would end all the pain all the fucking memories. I feel dirty, like a deep filth. That is the worst feeling, unexplainable to the regular person. Only someone as alone as me could understand that sick to your stomach filth. At night, when the world is quite and there are no other distractions, that’s when it hits the worst. I feel so alone. All the fucking bullshit comes at me like waves. As those waves smash into me, I can’t hold myself up. I fall deeper and deeper into that deep black world. The only will to fight back to the light is the hope that one day I will be able to end my life, when I have lived up to the expectations that are held up to me, that after I have lived a part of my life, I can finally let the black waves swim deep in my veins, to sink down…only then will I be able to exhale.

  29. Here is a woman who suffered as a child at the hands of parents, teachers even peers. Knowing as a child that something was different about her, not understanding why even as a child she felt alienated from everyone and what they were experiencing. Feeling very odd in a First Communion dress she approached the altar and received the Eucharist as a third grader, in her hand. Two years before taught that touching the Eucharist was a grievous sin, but this last year, all that changed somehow, not even understanding or getting the terminology correct at that tender age, she just knew it had to do with someone getting “Fat again, too…”
    Catholic school was conducted by the Sisters of St. Joseph who wore all black, long robes that made one wonder if they had feet, and tight veils that made one think that they had no hair. But this year, they looked different, some wore shorter veils, some wore none at all and the long black robes were gone and guess what, these odd women did have feet, but they wore the ugliest shoes.

    One day in second grade all the classes stopped, the school got really quiet and some of the Sisters cried, came into our classrooms and knelt right down on the hard tile floor and prayed and told us to fold our hands they way they had taught us with all our fingers pointing up and thumbs crossed over one another, bow our heads and pray with them. It was difficult to understand it all, but they prayed about President Kennedy and how we had all suffered a great loss, and the world would not be the same and please Lord, let your forgiveness and mercy and grace oversee even this tragedy. It was the most muted day I ever remember as a child, and to express ourselves, we saluted like John John every chance we got, even though it was really difficult to understand it all, we saw the videos and the fancy Jackie lady crawling on the trunk of the car, and we knew it looked really dangerous and scary.
    There was a lot of stuff happening in the world and people were really angry about it all. Even as a kid it was difficult to not absorb that unrest, that angst, the edgy vitalness of it all. So it became the foundation of who we would become, helping in making us who we are now.

    Being a teenager was the cruelest of all. There was a lot of free sex and drugs and rock n’ roll to numb out on and obliterate the pain, protest the injustices with, rebel against the system with. It was so easy to fall into. The person I loved the most, my father had passed quickly in 1970, two weeks ill with terminal cancer and he was gone. My mother became the bitterest person in the world, making me now look just bittersweet even. It literally killed her losing him, and her demise nearly killed me. I was twelve years old and beginning my adult life in a blunt brutal way. I remember the day climbing the steps at her house and realizing that childhood was now over for me, the only love I truly knew, my father’s was now gone from my life, and my mother resented me more than ever. She almost died giving me birth and I think she resented me from the day I was barely born and surely vowed that my life would be a rough one. In contrast, she adored my brother, four years my senior and doted on him in every way, gave him every thing, loved him as much as I loved my father. The dynamics were certainly explosive in this family, a family that was blowing apart quickly now that the love had died with my father, and was now buried and rotting in a hole somewhere. My father and brother never related too well, funny, I was the son my dad never had, we were so alike. Since my brother never got it right with his father, he was now especially angry. He hit me very hard many times, my mother never, not once protected me from him. Eventually this worked against her, as he finally turned his rath on her. I tried to defend her though because she seemed so helpless and unwilling to do anything to stand up against her prized son, or admit that he was doing any wrong. She was afraid too though, he was so strong, and when he would hit you, it would stun you immobile for quite a while. He hit me in the face once, and to this day, my jaw is still dislocated from the impact. Odd, my mother though a registered nurse, never took me for any medical care after my father died. I just suffered through it, she told me that it would make me stronger, and the philosophy became indelible in my life, and there was so much more suffering to come.

    I wasn’t sixteen yet. I escaped by getting high mostly and even self-abused because I hated me and truly believed that the suffering could only make me stronger, as I was taught. We tend to believe the things our mothers teach us.
    Then she had a stroke at work one day and descended into this spiral of physical and mental suffering that is difficult to even think about. My brother was gone from the house now, and I skipped all the events that led to that because recalling all the fighting, all the crashing and breaking of everything, all the pain and blood and crying is too difficult to relive even in words.
    But he was gone from the house, and there I was left with my suffering ill mother in the war torn aftermath of my young life.
    What in the hell do I do now?
    I suffered with her for a long time trying to care for her, sinking with her into more pain and suffering, until it almost killed me, i almost killed me, until death came and left so many times that sometimes I wonder if this is life or if I actually did die and went to hell – and this is it. Finally, I had to leave the house too, I won’t call it home.
    Now what?

    Was I homeless? Was I transient? Was I lucid? Was I even a person? I wasn’t even twenty yet, but I still felt like that twelve year old on the basement steps, knowing that childhood was over but not knowing how to grow up. I guess I wouldn’t know for a long time… Have I grown up yet?
    All I know is that I can not hit bottom again any lower than I once hit bottom and rose again. The details would be difficult to write, I could do it, but I am not sure who my audience is, I am just writing… It would be really sad to see those details in black and white…
    Eventually through faith and grace and purely God’s help, I entered a CETA program and learned office skills. I got a job as a data entry operator and I finally got a place to live – a garage apartment, It was mine though, and I worked and made my way. Sounds really like low life living, but for me, it was large. Since I had really mucked up high school good and barely graduated by the grace of the Dominican nuns there, I was determined to rectify my academic self. My brother was always an all A honor student and according to him, I was his stupid little sister.
    I went back to college and collected orphan SS benefits to do it. I failed miserably at first, had no direction and did not understand a thing about how college worked. Probably still don’t judging from my effort and results.
    My mother still waned physically and I would visit her in a nursing home and die a little bit each time I saw her there. Even though my mother treated me so badly, I still loved her and so wanted her approval and love in return. I never ever remember her ever telling me that she loved me. Maybe my father didn’t say it either, but he showed me how much he loved me and I knew that he did. Guess I would have to hold onto that memory.

    I worked a lot of I.T jobs in my day, slowly progressing from data entry operator to main frame computer operator to production scheduling to finally quality assurance specialist, which was to be my last position in I.T. I put in over 25 years in processing for financial institutions and 10 years in public service. One day I admitted that I had totally burned out, got up and walked away.
    My mother died on an early september day in 1985 in a state nursing facility broke and penniless.. The attorney who was appointed the executer of her estate took all of her and my dad’s life savings and lined his own pocket with it, using all the loop holes available to justify his actions. My brother died the next year in 1986 in a duck hunting accident on Muscamoot Bay, drowning in a squall that came up quick on Lake St. Clair. I was in ohio running a data center processing credit unions sine the summer of 1985 when I left Michigan hoping to also leave a lot of pain behind and get a fresh start. I was not with my mother when she died, I did not even choose the clothes she was buried in, the liturgy readings, nor even the prayer card prayer at her funeral. I attended like a distance niece, and I felt even further removed from her than from her life. My brother’s quick and sudden death at age 32 would change my whole life from a single determined working recovered woman who had established herself somewhat and survived, to a guardian for his children who had a rip torn upbringing of their own. They were difficult. They were in my brother’s custody removed from their mother’s custody because the state of michigan removed them from her residency because her live in boyfriend was abusing them. They each have their own story to tell of young childhood, but now, I was their hope for a fresh start. What should I do? Walk away from them? My brother had treated me so well, right? And he left his small life insurance policy to his gambling addicted high school buddy, not his only living relative, his stupid little sister.
    I took the girls and became their guardian.
    Sit-com ensued.
    It wasn’t easy. I was only twenty seven years old. I still felt like that twelve year old child on the basement steps with a ripped away childhood..
    I brought the girls to ohio and sent them to a catholic school, it seemed right. Got braces for Heather’s teeth, bought them clothes and gave them a good place to live and took them to mass every sunday, much to their chagrin. They both graduated high school, they both got married, they both had children, they both got divorced, much to my chagrin.
    I like it when people stay together. This seminar in motherhood took ten years of my life. I was now thirty seven years old.
    I still felt like that twelve year old on the steps in tears realizing that my childhood was over.
    Having always had faith in the rear pocket of my levis lit the fire of the spirit under my um, posterior region. I went back to school, and took college courses again. I went to Miami University in Hamilton and Middletown. I went to Cincinnati University, because I worked there awhile after being laid off from General Electric Credit Union, and all the classes were free. I still had no idea how college actually worked, what matriculation was, but I was getting good grades, A’s like my brother, not bad for a stupid little sister. It meant a lot to me, but I still did not know what I was doing really. I took every literature and writing class available, art history and social studies courses. I became interested in religious studies, as my thirst for God was still burning within me, keeping me alive, keeping me on the survivor side, one never forgets God once he literally raises them up in their life from sure death.

    My work history was experiencing ups and downs as technology kept rapidly changing. The areas of my expertise kept peaking and disintegrating. I improvised. I worked at the Museum Center as a membership coordinator, I sold cars, I worked temporary jobs from laundry worker to office worker to production worker. I did telephone process ordering for UDF. I spray painted car parts and was an plastic injection machine operator. I was a lab clerk for a dermatologist, I worked in produce markets, nursing homes, restaurants, and even cleaned toilets at the mall. I graded student proficiency tests, I worked in bars doing stand up comedy, at bakeries, school cafeterias, and got my CDL B and even drove a school bus, though I had many solid years in the information technology field. I have worked hard, and I have worked long and once I realized that work was what was going to safe me from a transient life, I never stopped working until 2011 when I collected unemployment after being laid off from a job in a pro-life non-profit agency very abruptly and rudely. I took this job after leaving the county public service job which was probably a mistake. There were pictures of Sarah Palin on the wall there, how could this possibly turn out good? When they realized that they had hired a queer woman as part of their very right wing conservative all male staff, they fired me and claimed that I resigned. I won the unemployment case and collected unemployment for the first time in my life. I was so tired at this point, and in a lot of physical pain from degenerative disc disease, arthritis and past trauma that I just wanted to lie down for a while and rest. I got some relief from cannabis, a habit that stayed with me from youth, though there were many years in-between when I did not smoke at all, three, four or five years of not smoking at a time. But the pain was so acute that I began smoking again for relief. It really helped relax the tired sore muscles and the grinding bone against bone in my neck and back that is so intensely painful at times that I just break down and cry.

    Finally finishing an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies, leadership and ministry in 2009, I was soon to find out that this degree was about only worth the paper it was printed on. There was no christian preacher job for a catholic woman behind this, especially one like me though I did recoup my academic integrity, which I have also discovered is quite worthless. Four years at the christian university did make me want to return to my catholic roots so this is what I did. I felt I had something to offer now and feeling called to embrace others who suffered life and sought to survive, I investigate religious life and thought how wonderful it would be to live in community with others. I went on to pursue my Masters degree at a catholic college to enhance my knowledge further in religious studies and pastoral care, determined to do well. I visited many religious communities and spent time with the sisters, being very honest about who I was and where I came from. They did not want me. I felt worse than that twelve year old sitting on the steps realizing that her childhood was over, and I cried a lot.

    Now, I am just about to finish up my degree, but I could be wrong about this as it seems I have come to a crossroad that I had not planned on coming to in this long pursuit of academic studies, that seem to lead to nowhere, I really am that stupid little sister I guess and must have deserved the crack in the jaw from my big brother that sent me sideways forever. I’ll never tell the other stuff he did to me, because even so, he was my big brother who I waited for forever to protect me and love me, just like my mother. They sure were a pair, just like me and my dad. I do not understand why I am the one left here, and sometimes all I can think of is going on too, to wherever they are, thinking it must be peaceful there and there might be no more pain, no more memories, no more uncertain future.
    I guess I won’t go today, though I am tempted. I am tempted everyday and I understand dear Sylvia Plath why you left beautiful words and then stuck your head in the oven and empathized truly witnessing with the suffering in the Holocaust. I get it. It is rainy and dreary today though, and it is very tempting, the pain is throbbing and there is no relief from my too kind friend as the Indigo Girls call it, the cannabis indica, I gave it up, I drive a school bus now and I am responsible for other people’s children.
    Driving a school bus is such a stupid little person’s job, it doesn’t take a lot of brains or affluent presence, but it sure takes common sense, a willingness to be up every morning before dawn, to be selfless enough to stay clean to serve, and to be totally present in every moment. Sometimes you just have to accept who and what you are I suppose and really think about those who tell you to chase your dream when it makes you go in circles like a dog chasing its tail. Short tailed dogs go around forever never catching it, only eventually spinning into disorientation. Not everyone has a long, catchable tail. Thank God for doggies, if i could have figured out how to have cared for the doggies and also have went out to my car in the garage and started it with the garage doors closed and listened to Nora Jones in repeat mode until I slept away into oblivion, I think I would have done it this time, like the one time long ago I did that, and this angel woke me up and told me to look at the wind blowing through the trees and tell him if I really wanted to go now or not… Damn wind. Can’t even see it, but that day, the leaves danced in such a magical motion they came right off the branches. And I stayed.
    I will stay today because I stayed yesterday, though tomorrow will be a new day to decide about. Besides, I am an Ottawa Indian, partly, and one day, I will go out to the desert, find a mountain cliff, and sit there and pray and wait, like they do when they know the spirit MUST leave for good, when the time has finally come.

  30. I have been thinking of suicide off and on since losing a boyfriend. I gave up on the boyfriend due to some really bad things he did in his past. He was also emotionally abusive and past all the quizzes as an womanizer and booty call jerk.

    This isn’t the first time I’ve ended up with a guy like him. I hope it’s my last. I’m 47 years old, beautiful, and intelligent.

    But, I have memories often of all the negative things that have happened to me in life. I was almost murdered at 13, saw two people die by getting hit by vehicles, beaten by sibling in home, raped, and the rejection and aloof attitudes from others continue, as I’m a gregarious, witty person. There shouldn’t be too much reason why people wouldn’t like me.

    What set off homicidal and suicidal thoughts: Someone said to me “You’re just too nice…” meaning I deserved to be abused for being too friendly and nice. This triggered a months long rumination on how mean I could be to this person- since they thought I was too nice.

    Well, this is just the tip of the ice berg. I never did hurt myself or anyone else during this time, but I read books on boundaries,and I had to detach from this person (also a step family member) and others in the family who would say things and act in ways that would trigger suicidal, or homicidal, contemplation within me.

    But I learned over the years to block it all out when anyone starts to get psychologically abusive, and I walk away rather than stay and argue with someone who wants non win/win situation, but a tragedy. I won’t be the one pulling the trigger or taking the bullet. I want suicide out of my life, and I want homicide out of my life, that is, the ideation of the two.

    I’ve resumed my life since this last spell, in which I felt i could go on a murder rampage after her remark “Well, you’re just toooooo nice. That’s why people hurt you”., I’m not either too nice or mean today, I”m myself, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on.I also quit the 12 step program sincen I wasn’t an alcoholic: I didn’t need to take steps that would cause me guilt (the 4th and 8th), or say I’m powerless (step one)> Although I knnow powerlessness in 12 step theory means powerless over ‘alcohol’, this is not how the AA people really look at it> They think they are completely powerless over what happens to them, not just alcohol, and for me to get same thinking, means death. I would become some hopeless thinking I have no power to change my situation at all. So, I left AA and all those pop psychology situations out there to so called heal the mentally ill. I got worse, not better. All their tough love and ‘it’s your responsibility only’ ‘you did it to yourself’ blaming psychologies had to go.I had to realize I was gettign blamed, and abused for things I wasn’t responsible for, by rotten people, and that I had to stop blaming and doing the 4th step on myself, rather than eliminate the abusers out of my life.

  31. Trapped.
    I’ve always viewed life as though i’m only passing through.I’m not religious in any way, its just that i believe your soul,spirit or call it what you may ascends to a higher consciousness within the universe.Well words cannot really describe it,it just is.Believing this to be the case would help me drag myself out of the bed each morning to face the day.The only thing is i’m finding it harder and harder to live by it.I’m growing tired and weary of the life i’ve made and the roads i’ve taken to get here.A Recession has hit in Ireland, my business is gone , i’m unemployed which brings on low self- esteem and no self worth and worst of all my government has sold us down the river by bailing out the banks and saving the rich.Myself and fellow taxpayers are footing the bill. I am being squeezed for every penny in new taxes, i’m too old to pick up and start over,the future is bleak.They don’t give a damn. I WANT OUT. There have been countless suicides in Ireland because of the recession. Particularly the actions and the behavior of the government.If i was younger i would emigrate but i’m too old and in debt,a debt that follows you to the grave.The government wants the young to leave, though they won’t say this.To emigrate is part of our history and to our shame.Its become a regular talking point that every second person you meet knows someone who has committed suicide as a result of the recession.I personally know of 3 people who checked out.
    I have sat in my car many times working out ways to kill myself but the thoughts of my families pain stops me.I am reaching the end of my road, i’m barely hanging on.
    Trapped.

  32. In the last 18 monyhs I met and lost the lve of my life, have been made redundant twice and am now bleeding my life savings. I can’t afford where I live so will have to sel the house. My son is giving me pressure to stay here because his girlfriend lives nearby and because of his dog. I can’t do it any more. I don’t want to work any more. I keep getting sacked anyway. I am alone and I don’t think that will change. There’s no energy to fight him or all the abusers in my life. I’ve seen psychologists. The last one yawned! Couldn’t stop herself. I so wish I was dead. I feel like other people need me to stay alive for their own comfort…. They are the selfish ones

  33. I wake up every morning wishing I was dead. By the end of the day I thank God I am alive. I have tried suicide 5 times. All 5 times I tried overdosing. One time I rented a hotel and planned to die there but somehow ended up back at my house. My husband at the time gave me charcoal so that I would vomit what I had taken. I truly believe I’m here for a reason, but seriously, I am so tired of the negative thoughts and the erg to just do it. I’m tired of the pain psychologically. I am a beautiful young women who has so much to experience. I hate feeling so sad and then trying to hide it from others. It’s a constant double life. Put on that happy smile so no one notices. Then when I’m alone my racing thoughts eat me alive with negative. I’m trying to fight this everyday, but for me it feels like just a matter of time.
    Thank you.

  34. For Over 20 Years now I have Heard the same Lies about Life and How things Will get Better!!! Now at 36 Years old, I Realize nothing will ever change, and this Evil Emptines,and Loneliness and Everything else will Consume Me!!! Therefore I Need too End it by ending Ending Me, Why I Feel Suicide is the only escape, and Freedom from those that See Me as their Verbal Target!!!!!

  35. I have learned, over and over, that harmful thoughts and feelings are fleeting. They are often short-lived, and never last. Remembering that fact gets me through the rough times. Even more effective is talking out what’s getting me down. Between visits to my therapist, if I am having ideations, I find talking to someone on a crisis line very helpful. Not only do I need to protect myself, I need to act responsibly for the sake of my family.

    In my best interest, I must not take suicidal thoughts literally. They are just warning signs that my bipolar symptoms need attention.

  36. Everybody depends on me. When I was strong, people are with me, sucked my strength and everything I have. When I was down, everybody left me. I felt betrayed and used and worthless. I am a living dead right now.

  37. you just need to STOP THINKING!!! this is the only thing in this world that helps me when my brain is killing me when i have manyyy thoughts in my mind, when voices are shouting and musics are constantly playing in my head when im done with every thing, the only thing that relief my pain is just stop thinking for a moment…this is probably the most difficult thing to do specially at that hard time but there is a strange peace and calmness in this MOMENT when we just turn off our brain and feel the silence of this moment. this is the reality of life.these thoughts are not real these are mostly like illusions that comes with drug or a nightmare which none of them is real. the only thing that is real is this moment and what ever is in it and by accepting that i feel better

  38. When I was finally told the truth about my ex-husband and my mothers affair; I was in that place, I had no one to turn to. What kept me from going over the edge was my children, and how it would affect them, at that time and in the future as well. I have been in that place many times in my life, and it ends up being the same thing going through my head, and I am glad that they do.

  39. I am a 55 year old male and have battled chronic depression for as long as I can remember. After an 8 year period of being off medication ( due to circumstance too involved to get into here) I am back in therapy and on medication. For the past 10 years my only reason for not acting upon suicidal thoughts/urges has been that someone has always “needed” me. Right now, the fear of what my suicide would do ( emotionally ) to my 91 year old mother – whom I help “take care of” – is the only thing keeping my suicidal thoughts in the “thought realm”. I can’t seem to convey properly to my therapist that I am so fed up with staying alive ONLY because of not wanting to inflict emotional pain on someone else. ( if that makes any sense ) Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite for not acting upon these feelings of not wanting to be alive.

  40. How do you tell someone? How can you find the words to articulate how you feel.I know everyone is sick of me. I want to die but I don’t want anyone to know I did it. It is not a cry for help, I just can’t take anymore. I have suffered this from childhood, my need to be liked is such that I lie on the floor and let everyone walk over me. If I try to get up the protests are such that I can’t cope with the negativity that I just lie back down again. My children are all grown now and walk over me just the same. I have spent my life putting others first and don’t know how to care for me. My dog is getting old now and when he goes so do I.

  41. Its just so hard to be alone, to be in a tricky situation but there is no one and realising how little I mater to anyone. That seems so self absorbed, but at 60, to feel so alone is just too much, I have fought it all my life, tried to make connections. Risked on a relationship 6 years ago. but it was a disaster and I didn’t have courage to get out. Now the ducks come home to roost and I have to move and make a home again for me and my cat. I keep thinking I am so lucky compared to so many in this world, yet all I feel is is despair and aloneness. I am so aware of where of where I gave my poster away, left myself open for abuse, yet can’t find the oomph to pick up again and back myself. Just drink to much and face ridicule and homelessness.
    sorry, I do seem to be ad=sad sack right now, just want to get some bulls/balls.

  42. I came here because my hubby talks about suicide and divorce whenever we fight. it makes me feel guilty like I will be the reason for his suicide. I shouldn’t take it personally but I do have issues of my own. there are times I feel life is too hard. I want to “give in” to him and agreed to divorce, but we both realize it doesn’t solve the problem. we have two young children. he said he is only living for the children. God bless him. and I would rather divorce so he would live. I figured I will let him divorce when the children are adults. I’ve had depression and I suspect he sometimes does. thinking about eventual divorce is already devastating to me. But I know we are already very blessed and try not to focus too much on my own problems. everyone has problems and they are all real.. I really hope the day we push each other to the extreme such that a life is lost never happens. like divorce, I know it doesn’t actually solve the problem. it doesn’t change our responsibilities.

  43. I have tried to end it all so many times. But I think that I still want to live. I will overdose but never take enough. I started cutting instead to divert the pain. My boyfriend left me because of the cutting. I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life. Everyday I think ending it all it the best way forward. I am so hopeless I don’t even think about tomorrow anymore, I am trying to be strong but it just feels like its a matter of time before I act. Life hurts too much.

  44. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1995. At first I was on/off my meds like every six months to a year. I have always had suicidal thoughts and even took a full bottle of phenobarbital and had to have my stomach pumped and nearly drowned in charcoal. Now, 19 years later, and having been on a steady regiment of medications (which includes 2 anti-depressants) I still have suicidal thought and even had a loaded gun to my head several months ago. I hate living, not being able to find a job after nearly 2 years of steady searching and interviews. Depending on my wife for the past 6 years for financial needs. Then, when we get into an argument or she says something hurtful or tells me she wants a divorce and to “Get Out” puts the final straw on the camels back which pushes me over the edge. For some reason, I have not been able to go trough with it since my attempt with the phenobarbital in 1988. I want to, badly. But something prevents me from doing it and I hate myself for not being brave enough to go through with it. I’ve been saying for many, many years that if I where to die today, I’d be very happy. Too finally be at peace with myself in a place where I can watch over loved ones would be so wonderful. But, I just have to figure out what keeps stopping me?? By the way, I see a mental health counselor every two weeks, case manager once per month, and psychiatrist every three months and never miss a morning or evening of my medications.

  45. As I read the deep thoughts that affect many, the one thing that still holds so true is the depth of pain that a person feels mixed with different pieces of what life should be…could be but is not for the person that hurts so. Suicide is not a cowards way, it becomes the only way. when we think of those who suffer physical pain we can treat that, but mental pain is hidden deeply within the walls of the person that knows it. Even when the emotions subside, they come back manifested in some other way that stops a person for a moment to remind self, what is the use….struggle hurts every fiber of my being…I pray, I lament, I console my soul to hold on one more day I must spend…depression, anxiety are symptoms yes, when you can see feel them, when you recognize them, it does not mean they are moving randomly through the daily grind of life…sometimes just helping another, I can truly find that living is bettering love for other…but what happens when you can not reach those to do for? What happens when you have been so abandoned by what you believed in, now left on the doorstep of what is called functional but is not of you?

    When my husband took his life, the words he said was “I am more trouble than I am worth” I have never forgot this veteran that stood up as I asked to fight for his rights only to feel there was no use to live pysical and mental disadvantage to his wife and his children…this is not what he came home from the war to face, when struggle to work and provide was so embedded with the denials of the state and their policies to not even help those who have done their utmost to work all their life, and face war, face the lack home on the homefront…tell me suicide is not high priority on this palette of destiny…

  46. Hello. I’ve been being treated for grief and depression. I have a chronic, incurable and very painful illness. I also live with a sociopath, who doesn’t want to hear about it, doesn’t care and emotionally abuses me. I have no means and am too vulnerable to get out. As a result, I’ve lost everything. I am in emotional and physical agony every minute of every day and there is no one there for me. I have 2 grown kids and 2 grandsons, but I am completely alone. I need some relief from all this very real suffering. Suicide is an option I’ve considered, but keep talking myself out of it. What other options are there for someone like me?

  47. I wanted to stab myself in the neck today to make the pain go away inside my mind and heart, cos my mum didnt care about a major life change that just happend to me and i thought that if she didnt care about me no one will. Also i have no friends and everyone dislikes me except my partner im staying for my baby and partner they need me and as long as at least someone needs me then thats enough to stay i feel bad i was gunna leave them behind scer all of the biiter people in the world i know im pure at heart

  48. “Suicide happens when the horror of life becomes greater than the horror of death.” (Schopenhauer) David Hume said that given our natural instinct to live (self-preservation as the consequence of evolution) no-one decides to commit suicide for petty reasons: “I believe that no-one threw away his life while it was worth keeping”.

    I happen to agree with these two gentlemen: if suffering reaches the point where it outweighs the good in one’s life it makes sense to remove one’s consciousness altogether (no consciousness no pain of any kind). Obviously this needs to be thought through (including the repercutions for others) and it would be wise to try to eradicate the root of one’s suffering first: generally much easier than inflicting death upon oneself (even if the practical difficulties have been solved it’s still immensly hard to bring oneself to actually do it and any sane person will know fear when they’re about to die). Still there are many instances where this is not possible and thus suicide becomes the only viable solution to a horrible existence. To claim otherwise is foolishness based on unrealistic optimism (cruel mockery of humanity’s nameless suffering as Schopenhauer put it) or just a inadequate knowledge of the world.

    For myself too much has happened and all attempts to ameliorate the situation have failed. I know what I need to do and while it is highly unpleasant at least it gives me some satisfaction to know it will all be over soon and even if my life ended up a miserable failure at least I can still die like a man. After that it’s blissful, infinite silence and peace. Life truly is nothing more then a needlessly painful episode amid the blessed calm of nothingness. I’ve often thought of this life (mine in particular) as punishment for transgressions committed in past existences (the doctrine of karma in Buddhism and other eastern religions/philosophies) although obviously this would be hard to verify empirically. Still it makes sense somehow.

    Luckily I’m not stupid enough to believe in any gods so I don’t have to struggle with that too. Even if there was a god: surely if he (she? it?) really is all good he’ll forgive me this minor tresspassing into his territory. Then again if he/she/it really was all good I’d be dead already or at least not this miserable. Counting on god to solve one’s problems is about as innane as trusting a psychiatrist or psychologist to actually do something meaningful for you besides peddling drugs (which are hardly better than placebo’s) and pretending to actually be interested in what you have to say (let alone understanding it).

  49. Hi. I am new to this forum. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since my early 20’s. I am now 58. More recently, with Borderline Personality Disorder, 5 years ago. They go well together.
    I struggle every single day with the temptation of suicide. It seems like a viable answer to the turbulent feelings and unstable moods, relationships,impulsiveness, inability to make and sustain friendships, poor self image, deep depression that just doesn’t go away very soon. I call this “The Terrible Sadness”. The Terrible Sadness just shows up one day. It comes in, doesn’t knock, like somebody you don’t know and don’t like. It just sits down and stays as long as it likes. Then one day, I wake up and I know I am going to feel better.

  50. I think I will kill myself if things remain the same in my life for more time. I don’t know how long. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have two kids but they are getting bigger. One is a teen, the other pre teen. All they see is silly, funny mom. They don’t know how I really feel. I get heart palpitations, and they used to scare me. Something snapped or opened up inside me in the past 6 months though, and now, each time I have one I hope it’s the end. I sit there feeling the flip flopping in my chest and I just hope I will cease to function in the next breath…and once I cared so much about seeking help for this. Not anymore.

    I’m 33 years old. I have been a soldier. I have a little education, but not enough to find some fancy job. I don’t know if I have the energy to start over. Living in this ghastly marriage to this man who transformed from who I remember marrying has changed me. I actually fluctuate between feeling homicidal and suicidal. Suicide wins, because there is no jail time to face. The world can finally kiss my ass, my husband, everyone. I died on my own terms even if I did not live by them, and that appeals to me.

    It’s funny, damn near every time I look at his (my husband’s) slumped over form I see a visual of me eating a pistol and my blood splattered all over a white wall. It feels strangely soothing. I know that it is a way out, if I choose it. I want to start my life over, maybe find love again. But I am too old for most men. They all want 20 somethings and 33 is old. I don’t see why killing myself is so bad. I have raised good kids despite my crappy situation with this awful, useless man. I served my country honorably. Now, I only ask to let me choose to die with honor when I choose since I see no way out. I just want peace. If I can’t have love, then give me peace.

  51. I have attempted a few times, but all those failed. Yet each time was becoming more and more ‘serious’. The latest was early Sept 2013. A razor blade and a hot bath. A moment of pain from the razor while the hot bath would lull me in to sleep. Close my eyes and all my pain would be gone. But there was a part of me that still wanted help. Subsequently 6 days in a facility. First time ever in 25 years of MDD. I understand this a lot. I can no longer visualize my death in my head. But … I hope that end of the line will no be seen again.

  52. 30 years w different talk therapies. Every AD med there is. Faked it for a long time w drugs to numb the pain and be functional, I had a good mind and had promise but I was consumed with doubt and self-loathing and self-contempt and crippled by depression. Noe my mind feels like a fire-blasted slum, ugly, desolate, disgusting. No hope, and that;s the worst. Not even a possibility of hope. Trapped in this hell by my family’s love, so that their happiness depends on my continued existence and suffering.
    I would like to go by morphine or heroin or opium or some analgesic so I could feel for just a moment what it’s like not to hurt before I checked out, ’cause I really have no desire to continue this terrible existence under any circumstance. God sucks.

  53. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 13 years old. 7 years later it affects me worse than ever before. I began cutting when I was 12 years old and have tried to stop since but sometimes it is difficult to put a sharp object down. The very last time I was hospitalized was in June of 2013. I cut myself and because I am anemic it took a while for the cut in my arm to clot… my dad found me in my room on the floor with a puddle of blood, I was still conscious but not thinking straight.Due to past attempts I was put on a 72 hour hold at a mental health hospital. I did everything I could to be discharged as soon as possible. The doctor who saw me in the MHH coupled my diagnosis of bipolar disorder with borderline personality disorder. My life has been a roller coaster since then. I ran out of meds two weeks ago and feel like I am falling back again. My last suicide attempt was two nights ago. I passed out after drinking a bottle of robitussin but woke up in the morning and just felt nauseous all day. Living with bipolar I have had much difficulty attempting to control my suicidal thoughts and actions. I wish it were as easy as pushing suicidal thoughts aside…but it’s not. I fear that I will grow older and still attempt to commit suicide every so often. Part of me wants to live but the other part is just tired of feeling alone, worthless, and unloved. I think about suicide almost everyday. I crashed my car back in January hoping not to make it, I made some crucial mistakes. My parents don’t believe that I wasn’t planning on getting out of that car alive. They believe that I was just doing it to get attention and actually put me down several times by saying I am ridiculous for doing something so stupid rather than helping me with this issue…I don’t understand it. They know I have bipolar but they have no idea what it is like to live with it everyday, how often death comes into my mind. I feel like the day that I finally succeed in committing suicide would be the day when they realize I have a serious problem. I need help, the one person I want to talk to about this is no longer a part of my life and I don’t know how much longer I can go on living feeling the way I do everyday.

  54. I no longer think about suicide every day but it does occur to me often. I have had depression and diagnosed with depressive disorder, PTSD, BPD and low impulse control. My husband is dying. I am 55 years old and I often sit and puzzle out ways of dying. I took an entire bottle of sleeping pills but survived. The aftereffects were horrific, and I will never do that again. Driving into a tree is an interesting idea but again, there is always a possibility it will not work. The best thing is, unfortunately, purchasing a gun. If I do it in my car, I can at least minimize damage to the house, which will go to my son. My son and I do not speak and he has made it clear he fears me and my mental problems. He refuses to speak to me with my therapist present (or in any other way). I have no friends, no social groups, and no belief in God. I don’t think suicide is a good thing, I know it will bring pain to those who have met me or have some aqaintance with me, but that pain is not permanent. At 55, I doubt I will be losing too many good years. I leave this account for what use it can be to therapists and doctors who have to work with people like me.

  55. I’m a young girl, 22 years old. And I’m pretty sure that I’m severely depressed. I can’t remember for how long. For the purpose of this blog I’m going to try and describe how I think and feel:
    There is a big problem with me. I don’t know what about me is real and what is fake. And I’m so tired of pretending that I’m normal while I feel the way I do. I’m made of two conflicting personalities. One is naïf and still very much so wants to believe that the fairytales are right. That there is justice, that you will be safe, that it’s never too late for love and friendship. And that one day some perfect stranger will be able to fix whatever it is that makes me so… broken.
    On the other side. I simply loath people, I can hardly stand them. I feel as if I have nothing at all in common with them. Any little sign of weakness is viciously attacked. People are always watching you and talking behind your back and that is never going to change. It’s just how people are. And you just have to deal with it.
    There is a lot more to these two sides of me, but I’ll spare you the tirade.
    In everyday life, both sides are constantly pushing and pulling to take over. I’m not a person who likes any kind of conflict so I let my “good” side take over when I’m talking to people. I play a role of a happy young girl, full of confidence who does the right thing every time and is as close to perfection as I can push myself. (It’s never enough of course.) And often, while I play that part I believe it. I believe that people can be good, it just depends on the situation. That it doesn’t matter if they find me perfect. Who the hell cares, they’re not me, so what the hell. Only I have to like myself.
    And afterwards (or sometimes during) I start to go over all the events in my mind. See how one woman pulled a face while I talked. How some person didn’t give me the chance to finish a sentence, or start one, or bothered to listen while I talked. How no matter how hard I try to be the kind of person I want to be, it’s never good enough. I always fall short. What the hell is wrong with these people. I hate them. I hate them so much. Why would I ever try to talk to them again? They’re just awful. It’s not just me, it’s them as well. Is it really so hard to be genuinely nice? I was nice to them…
    And so on and so forth. Until I’m completely empty, except for fear and some small traces of hate for the world.
    I often think about suicide, I even tried cutting myself and found it helpful. But I know that my parents who are easily depressed themselves would just… be destroyed over it. And because I believe in that kind of made-up justice. I think there is some twisted honor in carrying the burden of my life.
    If I could, I would prefer to get an incurable sickness so that I could die but there wouldn’t be anyone to blame.
    By the way. Absolutely no one in my life knows that I feel and think like this. They actually all think I’m good. Better then I used to be. I’m good at hiding it, for now. I don’t think I could ever reach out for any help.

  56. Hi,
    I have been struggling for 4 months not to die. My new husband EMAILED DIVORCE PAPERS IN JAN 2014. I was diagnosed bipolar 2 the next day. I was involuntarily committed by my son because of a note. If you are going to do it, don’t leave a note because if it fails, the police will come, hand cuff you and you will be heavily medicated in a psych ward. I went from a million dollar penthouse to food stamps in 4 months. I am being brutalized by him and the divorce “liars”. I am hanging on for a meager settlement so I can give my daughter college money. I am getting my affairs in order. My daughter is graduating in 14 days. I said good bye to my grand baby this weekend. I have a therapy appt tomorrow and just upped my “lithium”. I was on top of the world last year and now I am white knuckling it. I do not want a failed attempt with brain injury or be a vegetable. I will not see 50 (in 6 months). Dear God in heaven, please throw me something good. I have done EVERYTHING. Suicidal people aren’t selfish…they just can’t stand the pain. Only 1 out of 25 attempts are successful. That’s whats keeping me here. I am white knuckling it for the last 3 days…..

  57. I did try it six weeks ago. I took over 100 pills and a box of rat poison. After two days of sleeping and all the pills in the house were gone I decided that I couldn’t even do that right. So I told my daughter and she took me to the ER and mental ward.

    What have I learn. I am sorry it did not work. That everyone around you blames themselves. That if you don’t succeed it makes things worst. That many people around you have either tried it or want to. That the correct drugs do help, I have had some suicidal thoughts be have taken no action since them.

  58. Life has become too painful to bear. I don’t see the point of living another 35 or 40 years like this. But I don’t have the courage to end it all either. And I can’t think of putting my kids through hell. I just wish it would all end in some way. I am not allowed to live my life on my terms or maybe I just don’t have the courage to do so. I am tired of the corporate rat race and accumulating stuff that I don’t care for. I dpn’t know what else to do in life except my current job. I am afraid that I will be a failure if I try something else. So I go through the motions of living. On the face of it I have a wonderful life but deep inside I hate every part of my life and sometimes wish I was never born.

    If I quit my job to try something more fulfilling and less stressful I will be judged by my mother-in-law as an irresponsible man and as a quitter who cant hold a job.

    I don’t know how to get out of this trap called life. I care for my children too much to hurt them in any way.

  59. I am constantly hurting. I have fear for my future, I am completely lonely. I have sons but they are occupied with their own lives, even my youngest doesn’t seem to care about anything or anyone than himself. I am viewed as the strong person, at work and in my family but nobody knows the despair that I feel. It hurts all the time. The loneliness is so overwhelming, the fear of my future is so scary. Some people (parents) just KNOW that their children are there for them without a doubt, I don’t have that. I am certain that if I’d lose my home tomorrow I’d be homeless because my oldest son would not be there for me. I would love to call him and tell him that I need to talk, that I am suicidal and tell him why I am suicidal but something within me tells me that he would not understand but make me feel guilty rather than understand. I feel so stuck. I have no friends. Sure there are people that claim they love me but in the end, not one of them is there. Life is painful and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I am just waiting for my youngest to graduate high school and then start his own life and then I will check out.

  60. Depression and despair have plagued me for many years. I truly feel so alone in this world and completely hopeless. I feel as though I am sinking in quicksand and there is just no escape. I’ve tried medication and nothing has worked. I get lost in my own head and feel that everyone who sees me out or walking down the street is staring and making fun of me. I know that is irrational, but I can’t shake that feeling.

    Also, heartbreak has made my situation worse. When you give your heart and love to someone and they abuse it and then take THEIR love away, well…I just can’t describe the anguish that takes over your entire body. It’s like some unseen force has a voodoo doll and has stuck pins in every part of you.

    I have had thoughts of suicide in the past and those were fleeting. What scares me now is that all I can hope for is that there is some kind of afterlife or even reincarnation. To be someone else is all the hope I have left.

  61. I am 53yrs old. I grew up a ward of the state (foster care). 30 + foster homes. Been physically, mentally & sexually abused. I survived! Spent years taking care of 1 set of foster parents until a little over 2 years ago when the last one past. I showed caring and compassion even knowing what they did to me.

    So finally, 51 yrs old I get a chance to “start” my life, heal the wounds and get a chance to live free of abuse for once. Well I’ll be damned if within 6 months after my old foster mother died in 3/2012 my body turned again me, literally. I have fought for a little over a year now to get a diagnosis. I was treated like a criminal trying to prove my body was not working properly. 2 weeks ago and after 7 neurologists I was diagnosed with “mitochondrial myopathy”. Now I am out of insurance and monies are running out & people are still screwing me in order to get assistance. I have spent a year locked away in my apartment alone. I have reached out to agencies with no success. Even now the new doctor’s office made promises to get me disability using the “compassion allowance” as what I have is a degenerative neuromuscular disease which is genetic. Today I learned they changed their minds and I am going to have to fight & struggle to try and not lose everything I have worked so very hard to keep.

    How on earth do I cope with this? Who do I turn too? Where are the “humans” to help me? Am I even human? Everyone points to someone else and it is an ongoing chain!! Where are my people? Where is my HELP?? Yes I have a few neighbor friends to assist me in getting milk & doctor appts. but no where to just stop & relax!! An entire life of this!! The only way I can see it ending is too just end it!!!!

  62. It’s the child abuse. (in my case: psychological neglect by mother; golden child of a narcissistic father).

    I have nothing of my own in my life. My achievements are in areas he wanted; or not at all. I was wired from infancy to do it his way or be terrified for my life.

    I spent 20 years walking thru fire for my dream of a family (facing terrors 24/7 that had me vomiting in fear every morning) & ended up over 40, single female with dead dreams.

    To move on & change my life (eg hobbies instead of a family) means facing that same terror & walking thru fire for _every_single_hobby_.

    Think about it: a life without a functional dream, without hobbies to nurture & distract yourself with when things get tough, and with emotional connectivity problems. And to face terrors every day people with less abuse can’t comprehend.

    Sorry. Pain kills. Child abuse kills.

    And to the families who want to lay the guilt on the victim of suicide? I’m sorry; it’s very selfish of you to blame the victim of chronic pain.

  63. This made me laugh. I realize it’s not a joke but the three examples are spot on except for the tree and drug abuse. I would rather find an 18-wheeler or a loaded dump truck at 60MPH+ and hit them head on to seal the deal. I would also rather OD. Physical pain, coupled with mental pain is a disaster. To make everything even more intense; add zero money, no help from any so called professional (Including PCP, Psychiatrist, Pcyhotherapist, & DO) makes it even more insane. And why would you load several bullets when it only takes one?

  64. I feel selfish just thinking about not having anything to live for. I know I will hurt my husband but I need something inside me to want to live for. Medications have not been the answer. I have felt alone in the world since my parents passed away 5 years ago. They say time heals all wounds but my sense of loss and loneliness in the world have only increased. I have many acquaintances but no real true friends who I can call up and just say “Hey how have you been doing” and expect them to ask me the same thing.” My life is a mess. No joy from my profession, no love from my grown children, no life sustaining love from my so called God. Feeling pathetic even though I know in better times that I’m an educated, funny, caring person but don’t feel the love coming my way. Don’t understand why. People around me would be stunned to know how I feel inside. I’m too ashamed to share these desperate feeling for fear that they would not understand and reject me as a wacko. Go to church and see and hear people talk about their wondrous God but I don’t feel these feelings. Wonder why not and wish I did. Life would be easier. God works in others lives but does not seem too interested in mine as far as I see. Wonder why? See little change for the better in the future and just waiting for natural death. Pathetic way to feel. Self pitying. Once there was a place called Camelot but no more. Life has been good to others but has only beaten me down. Feel I deserve better but cannot make it happen. Feel ashamed and pathetic and wish I had someone to take my hand and say “Follow me, life can be a good place to be and I will help you.” But I have no on one in my life to show me some human compassion and take my hand and I don’t seem to be able to rescue myself. Each year I wonder how I have made it through another year. I have experienced moments of happiness through volunteer work but in my deepest darkest moments of personal reflections, I am just a hollow soul on the abyss of nothingness. If god considers suicide eternal damnation, I’m already there so what’s the difference?

  65. Sometimes i find myself angry at the thought of my family and friends at my grave, crying about how IF they knew how much pain i was in THEN they would have done more to help. I become so furious!! While alive, my suffering is look at as being an ungrateful annoyance BUT if i end my pain, i become someone that COULD HAVE been “helped” if I was more expressive with my pain. yea, just a thought of mine…

    Also, just because someone is depressed does not mean they are emotionally reckless or need to be spoken to in a patronizing way, Im dealing with deep emotional pain, i’m no irrational or dumb…just another thought.

  66. First off, I would like to send out a sincere thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write their stories/situations down to help others like myself know we are not alone in this world with these struggles. I really wish I knew how things turned out for all of you. Who made it past the pain and how they are doing today. I truly hope everyone is still holding in there.

    As for myself, Like a the other posts on here, I have found myself in place in my life that I just can’t seem to find my way out of. Although I do not feel that I suffer from clinical depression or anything like that, I am very depressed at where my life is at this point. Do I think about taking my life, sadly, yes I do. I can honestly say that if God did not send the best wife a guy could ask for his way, and some very cool and amazing kids to raise, I know I would have checked out of this world by now for sure. They are the main reason for my staying. As much as I long for peace from this world, I can’t get over how selfish it would be to devastate my wife and kids. I also feel that if I did take my own life, I fear my kids (when things get tough in their lives in the future)would think back to what I did and follow my example. So, I pretty much feel stuck.

    I haven’t worked since the end of last year because I found out last fall that I have become diabetic and unfortunately, mine is a worse case then others and almost a year later, doctors still haven’t been able to find out why. I feel useless in life, like I serve no purpose outside my home and it kills me. My wife and I struggle financially because she is the only one working at the moment and I can’t help but blame myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not lazy. I do what I can like take the kids to appointments, make supper, fix things around the house, grocery shop etc., I still feel like I am filling space and not making myself worthy to be here. Funny thing is my wife couldn’t be more supportive of me if she tried. She hates that I hurt so badly so much and she is behind me through thick and thin. I truly have so many blessings in my life and so I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. Such a screwed up cycle.

    I have read a few posts on here about God. I am a Christian, I do beleive in God, and although I wish he would just have mercy on me and snap his fingers and I be all good again, I don’t resent him or blame him in anyway. I don’t believe God put me in this situation, I beleive I led myself to this point. Sadly, sometimes I don’t think I am a strong enough Christian to get out. I guess I can also say that I am scared that all suicides go to hell. If I am barely getting through this life, I can’t imagine an eternity in hell.

    I’m 36yrs old and everything I have lived in my life (good or bad) has led me to this. Somedays I feel good, somedays I feel like I can tough things out and come out on the other side better then ever, somedays I feel like I’m kidding myself, and somedays I just don’t want to be here anymore. This is turning out to be the fight of my life, and I am sad because I really don’t know how it will turn out. I just hope and pray God will give me the strength to resist the urge to commit suicide and be the best husband, father, and person I can be.

    I wrote a small part of my story so others who read it will know that they are also not alone. For me, knowing that has helped a lot. To those who read this, may God bless you and ease your pain. I really hope that you (and myself) can make it through this pain and come out strong on the other side!

  67. Sometimes I feel Like there is a whole in the top of my stomach. It hurts so bad. My life has not been awful. Some bad things happened to me but so many people have it so much worse. I feel stupid for feeling so depressed. Sometimes I feel Luke if I died no one around me would be burdened. I have a 7 year old son who means the world to me. I couldn’t leave him like that. But I think about it often. I’m sure he deserves better than me anyways. Who I to feel so special that I deserve happiness? Why should I feel that?
    Am I going to hurt this way forever? I literally feel 100% empty inside.

  68. Suicide in a time of perceived crisis. Your introduction touched the many faucets of suicide. The pain, exhausted from fighting, seemingly nothing to live for. Been there a few times. The closest was probably 20 years ago. Amazingly something came over me to avert disaster. However fighting depression, and having people just seemingly like to play with your future is extremely stressful. When I was younger I thought that as we became older, we became better people. I was terribly wrong. They just get worst and worst, hurting more and more people. Lies are egregious.

  69. I grew up abused hated so much by my own father..i lost my left eye@ the age of 15 ..suffered so much abuse at school.. good things rarely happen to me ever since I came to this world.. I ran away from home trying to escape abuse but little did I know what waited for me ahead..I suffered everyday of my life rejection,hatred you name it all. I started my own business but it failed like everything else I tried to do

    last year my fiancée passed away leaving me with the greatest heartbreak of all times.. before we met I was very lonely spending Christmas alone with no one to talk to . I’m always broke ..I always get fired @ my every job …im tired of hoping ,wishing and dreaming for things to get better ..trust me they never do..EMOTIONAL SCARS HURT MORE THAN PHSYSICAL ONES..the only way out for me is ..WE BOTH KNOW THE ANSWER..

  70. Hi all i have been very recently bereaved by the suicide of my partner and father to my 4 yr old child. I have lived in a very dark place since it happened contemplating if my life is worth living anymore. My partner and i had been on a break for 3 weeks after he became voilent towards me. I still loved him very much still cared ge saw our daughter and myself almost daily. Then he took his life. I am wracked with guilt and shame he had been messaging me that evening i assumed he was drunk and being manipulative. He was very paranoid and i couldn’t understand why. We had to separate it was becoming unsafe for myself and my daughter. He recognized that we were getting on he even went for help with the anger. I turned my phone on silent and fell asleep. He text me my last message at 1.30 in the morning. It wasn’t a loving text to say goodbye it was ‘ last text ever i know now’. I still didn’t think anything unusual thought it was a drunken message thought he would be in bed nursing a hangover. Until the time went on i finally called the police and my world and all that loved him shattered into a million pieces. What im trying to say is that for the people left behind its a prison of guilt if onlys what ifs and completely no chance to resolve anything. I hate that i have to live like this i don’t feel my partner was depressed i feel like he was angry and he wanted to punish me. I know ultimately the highest punishment was on himself. But i think i would sooner be where he is than live my life like this. The only thing that stops me is our amazing daughter but i worry what long term effects this will have on her.

  71. I’m very depressed at the moment. I have therpy and doctors. I jsut mis smy ex husband so much and have givne up on datign as not the same 20 years later. He is seeign this ex girlfriend form over 20 years ago and iwht her out of tiwn now. The pain is too much to beare. my hwole life has changed since hte break up. My healht has suffered. All i wnat is to be hugged an dloved and have somebody to love me again. It is romantic love too I want. Nothing can repalce that. Not drugs, not drink, not work not therapy, nothing. Coming home ot th ehosue we shared and it empy is too much for me. People say work on yoursel fhwatever. I do thta the hwole time. It isn’t I hate myself. It’s just I have love ot give and that’s what I want. A ncie steady man again. A family home again. Sorry but nothign can replace that warmth and love for me. It jsut can’t.

  72. I’m trying to kill myself but its so damned hard to do I guess my cowardice is the last hurtle, but I have faith that I can muster the strength of character to do it soon, anyone who thinks its the easy way out needs to try its hard to do , I get drunk load the gun and just can’t seem to pull, any advice?

    • My advice to you Matt is to NOT do it. Scroll up a few posts snd you will see that I too struggle with thoughts of suicide so I know what your going through. Your not able to take your own life right now for a reason, maybe something good is waiting for you in the near future. Stick around to find out. I know that is not what you want to hear, but this is the biggest decision you will ever make and your life hangs in the balance. Hang in there, what plays a big factor for me is there could be grave consequences that last for an internity if you kill yourself, makes the pain we feel in our lives right now seem so temperary. My best advice Matt, pray to God, no better friend to turn to. Some days he is all that gets me through! Even though I feel so down time to time he keeps me from breaking, I know he will be there for you too.

  73. I have strong thoughts daily of ending my life I try to deal with my daily pain and issues it just gets harder and harder to live. My kids don’t speak to me because of bad stuff my ex wife says about me. My girlfriend helped get my friends to look at me in a bad way because I have cheated on her. I have knowone to talk to therapy isn’t working I feel lost and alone to the point I don’t want to fight to live anymore

  74. I am 25 years old and i have been depressed since i was 10. The biggest problem with depression and suicidal thought is most people dont take you take it serious when you’re a child. They say things like you’ll et over it or you’re just trying to get attention. But its not just attention that we need, it’s help. I never asked for much, I just needed to know that someone cared and as the 2nd of 9 siblings it wasn’t always available at home and in a class of 30 students some voices were bound to go unheard. I got so used to people not listening that I stopped talking and invested in long sleeved shirts and razor blades. The one person who I spoke with about all this stuff was my girlfriend who died our junior year. That year I tried to kill myself twice and once in college. My family doesn’t know about any of this won’t unless they read all of my notebook. Most people that talk about depression and suicide say why don’t they get help. The problem is 9 time out 10 they did at least once and no one listened.

  75. I’m curious, why do people have to live? I have loving parents who would be sad to see me die from suicide, and I have a few friends, but the point is living just hurts. Everything is difficult for me. I’ve tried meds. Tried therapy. Tried diet, exercise (I’m not overweight or anything). But I still feel down. I have to push myself just to get out of bed, and the professional help didn’t work. So, why do I have to ‘just live with it’ as I’ve been told to do? I’m tired of people thinking I’m just lazy. They don’t understand I’m not lying when I say that everyday basic tasks take so much energy. Why do I have to suffer so that others don’t have to be sad I died? I didn’t ask to be born.

  76. the physical pain I am in every minute of every day . my family dosent understand you would think they would want me to be pain free but that is something that will never happen .doctors wont give out pain meds anymore so I am just plain tiered out of options.I want to die

  77. I don’t wanna explain my past or anything. I ampretty committed into ending my life right now. All I ever wanted was to be loved by a friend. Not a boyfriend. Not a family member. A friend. I mean…someone you’re not in love with and someone thats loyal to you. Now days, those are hard to find. Not only that, I get bad grades I. School now because I cannot concentrate…I’m always daydreaming and losing concentration at work…and I lock myself in my room all day playing video games because that’s the only thing that makes me somewhat happy I guess. Anyways, I’m 95% most likely going to commit suicide. Nobody can talk MW out of it and the email I’ve provided is fake so I won’t be checking this site ever again. I just needed to let this out somewhere since I don’t trust anyone anymore. Don’t try and Ihelp me.

  78. Hi Ive Been Depressed ever since I moved away from the area I grew up it. Its been tough having to adjust to new things and people. I tried to talk to my parents but they told me to be thankful for the things I have. But how can I be happy when all I see in the world is sadness. I look around and see people suffering and I cant help but feel the same way. I know that its kinda stupid to be depressed over these little things but I consider myself as a type of emotional sponge. I suck up all the emotions of the people around me and when it gets to be too much I snap and go into a sort of depressed mode. Lately I’ve been having explicit dreams of myself jumping off a high building or even just jumping in front of a car. Im not sure what to do anymore. Could someone please tell me what I could do to stop this?

  79. Can anyone please help me. I’m 13. I have always been bullied. I have epilepsy. I get got bullied for that. I transferred form 3 different schools. I am now at one that I ahte so much. My family is so mean to me lately. I thought I at least had my aunt left on my side but out of everyone she has been the worst to me. She had always been so nice to me but now she is being so mean to me when I need the most support. She hates me for not liking school and for cutting myself a few times. And I have to stay with her cause I have a hard time getting along with my mom. My mom is mean to me to. My mom always yells and swears at me all the time. My cousins are mean to me too. my aunt is the meanest. She is being so mean to me and I don’t know why. And I’m scared of my uncle. And if my grandma gets involved in anything she’ says she can’t deal with it and gets in her car and leaves or walks away. I get that but then my aunt and uncle yell at me for making her upset and they hate me for that too. I hate my school. I would rather be dead then have to go there for 1 minute. I hate it so much. I went in the girls bathroom and cut myself with a pencil 3 times. I hate it there so much. I hate it there. I hate everything. I hate my family too. And my father is not in the picture at all. I have a horrible history with him. As does my mom. I don’t want to get into that though. And if I cut my self one more time I have to go to impatient therapy and I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to. Please. Can anyone here help me? Anyone? Please, no none at all is helping me. I have no friends. No family for support or anyone I can talk to or visit or stay with. I have no one. Please I’m really suicidal and anxious and depressed and need help someone please help me and I can’t even transfer schools either cause there’s a case worker involved with my family and even if I was able to the transfer would take a while and my mom would have to talk to people and make calls and I don’t think I can go to my school and keep going in the mean time so someone please help me I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and he put me on a few different medications and changed then a few different times nothing is working someones please help me can someone please email me my email is @azaleaperson22yahoo.com please help me please email me please

  80. Hi, I am 33 years old, and pregnant with a not good guys child. I have decided to kill myself after putting this baby up for adoption. My dad died two years ago and since then my rapid cycling bi – polar and panic disorder has gotten worse. Not to mention I used to have millions of friends, and I have none now. My mom is angry and bitter at me, like my older brother and when I’m around them I feel like an outcast and roach. I don’t feel welcome at holidays and I’m just done going through this pain. Life has been a struggle for me since I was very young. I was always fatter then other kids, but then I starved myself and worked out nonstop to get skinny. Then according to other people I was pretty, but then I didn’t have a good enough job or college education to find a decent husband. Men just wanted to screw me. My bipolar wasn’t allowing me to make good relationships. Then I lost a baby to a birth defect. I was on social security living in a dingy nasty old apartment. Then my dad dies and my mom helps my buy a business, so I can supposedly have financial freedom, but my manic spending makes it so I’m broke and in debt, plus the pressure of owning a business is killing me. I have gained 80 lbs since my dad died and I hate myself. Now I am pregnant with this felons kid that I had to get a restraining order against. I was raised in a wealthy high respected neighborhood and have intelligent family of musical composer, dentist, doctor, pilot, business entrepreneurs. Here I am a mess and burden. I’m going to give this baby up for adoption and kill myself.

  81. I have gone through suicidal phases and battled constant depression since age 12. I am however reviewing the situation and asking myself exactly what it is that makes me feel like that. The answer is, unhelpful people in my life. They have been extremely jealous about the fact I have been capable in many areas and have deliberately put spanners in the works for just that reason in order to keep me from progressing. Most of my relationships don’t feel real, they feel like half relationships because even though I am honest with people they are not honest with me.
    I now feel the solution is to be even more honest about what I do and don’t want and what I need, because it just seems to have been about what everybody else needed all the time. People have been so inconsiderate of my feelings it’s not true and when I get very upset they say they can’t understand why – having caused the problem themselves!!
    I am coming out of a deep dark hole right now (depression, debt, no job and nowhere to live by the end of this month). I have had to sideline slimy married men who are unhappy in their own relationships and are suggesting they pay for my accommodation in return for sex. I have had a lot of these approaches and I just find it gross. There is so much two timing going on. Nobody cares about building a nice life anymore. I was previously married and my ex husband had an addiction to very weird porn and computer games which he spent his time on rather than going to work. My mother had severe mental health issues due to my parents’ rocky relationship and I spent most of my teens propping her up.
    My 30s were about finding myself as I had spent so much of my time supporting other people. I have found it very hard though as I have had to do everything alone and commitment to others has once again come loaded with over-involvement in their problems and catering to them – they are usually hard emotionless people who don’t give a jot about your feelings or what you want.
    I think I just need to step up to the plate and demand equal or preferential treatment because I have been through an emotional wringer and I can’t handle being treated badly any more. I do find that cutting contact with certain people who are especially toxic, and drinking red wine helps. Medication is rubbish and feels terrible and dangerous.
    I have read many of these stories on here and feel for these people tremendously. I think the problem is that this day and age is just too fast and people are whipped into thinking that they should be keeping up with it all at all times. At the same time there is this huge feeling of ennui and the all pervasive sense of fakeness which annoys a lot of people to distraction, as they are caught up in it and hate themselves, hate everybody else and hate the world. It is not surprising.

  82. ive been deeply considering this as well.
    im in financial ruin and cant afford to get more schooling, stuck at a job that i enjoy but raises are out of the question, cant afford to re-certify so will have to go back to grunt work
    family life is in shambles, love of my life wont even tell me whats going on and give me a straight answer to me after 7 months of being run around, cra is asking for info on last years taxes and i cant find it. want it soon or im screwed, recently diagnosed with hpv and im not sure where i got it, so cant be with anyone else anymore. best friends gf tried to get with me new years while i was passed out and now he wont talk to me.
    everything is completely collapsed and ive turned to booze and pot… of course it doesnt help. im at a loss as to what to do.

    • Dear Destroyed,

      When in doubt – do nothing. Absolutely nothing! If possible, take a day off from work or take a walk when you get home. I know it sounds very juvenile, but sometimes in the quiet moments the decision to live is made. Block out the noise and breath. Life is hard and we have all made mistakes, myself included. Some small and some not. But at the end of the day, LIVE!

      I hope this response finds you in a better place today.

      D

  83. I am sinking deeper into this hole. I cry everyday, and feel so empty. I have so longed for a emotional connection with a women. I am only a senior in highschool, but I dont see myself making it past this year. I have had so many things hsppen jn my life that I just cant see the bright side of things anymore. Its funny because i am ALWAYS there for my friends and always try to be the best individual I can, and I have in turn only gotten fucked over by life, by everyone. I am emotionally alone, and I wake up every day trying to tell myself that its a new day and you might finally meet someone who you are attracted to and actually wants to be with you. Man sometimes life is so tough, and to be honest I have a really good life no reason to complain, but all my pain is emotional. I just want to be happy again, I havent been since I was 5. I am trying but for how long… I contemplate finishing myself off everyday. Im dying on the inside.

  84. I have Ben feeling that way since I was 5 years old At 5my mother left me in deferent country to come America and I never new my mom could not care for me no one ever told me I was a product of rape I’m jus a reminder of the night mare she lived my mother lost her self she could not function she’s basicly like a small shield she can’t do nothing for her self I did not know that , I was over ther the family thought they left me in the right hand my ant and uncle they were doctors very Welty ,they always live me with the mades ,one day both women rape me and got the man to tried to penetrate me wild the hold me down I had a long pease of scan that use to hang out of my vjj they held me down and cut it and feed it to the dog and they told me all of your days man our going to devour me I was left in so much pain iam crying asking god what did I do to deserve this I stumble inside of the house in ageny there was a medication my uncle use to give because I would take naps like normal kids I was active like speedy gunzaless I was told I am very ugly it would be a merical if some one marries me or have children with me I was mentally abuse and physically abuse i use to have to still food because the would feed me I felt so alone could not tell no one how I feel they always tell me I was a burden so took the medication wen in to the middle of the backyard and past out I thought I wake up the next day it was 6 month later but wen I wake up I was wishing I died because i wanted to excape because I would watch my cousine get all the attention love from her dad I wanted so desperately for them love me like they love ther children I would day dream my mother would come to save 10years later some one came to visit I past right by my mother had no clue my uncle said this your mother I was happy and relive I was safe I did not know my mom had no control I thought she was going to protect me the bought me to Florida with my grand father I had dream I was going to have a better life no one wasn’t going to abuse me I got there my mother father was mentally abusing my mother telling her she was worthless and why did you let this ugly imbarasment live you should of dump her I the garbage she’s so ugly so black why you could put her somewhere and not feed her let her die she is worth less I had a blader problem I pee in the bed my grand father was very angry he thought mabe the only way to get me to stop peeing in the bed was to Sind me to school with wet pee close I was in a new playse no one understand me cause I did not speak English the kids terrorizes me made my life a living hell every day I was begging to die asking god why do I have to soffer that way why am I here iam screaming no one hears me then I came to newyork thinking maybe if stay positive keep a smile on my face life will be ok but every were I went no one understand me school I was being bully at home was being pick on because the jealous kids in the house did not want me ther , at 12my 2 cousins tried to rape me my ant was at work my cousin vica she was 16,she made sure she made my life he’ll one minut she’s nice to next she beating me up I feel like I wanted to die I was angry with god why would you bring me hear in a world of selfish people who don’t care I still tell my self to hope for better still a smile and treat people with the respect and kindly ness some one will give it to me be humble don’t go around hurting people life will be good I wanted to help people but I have a very lowsefestene and wen I get around people I’m shy to men they see me as a sex abject could not conec emotionaly with no one they see a target some one to take advantage of I run from home because I was being bully at school and I was told by my family it’s my fault and I was being molested by my ant husband no one believe me at 12at 14 I was put in a group home I was still being bully by the kids in the group home one morning I wake up all my stuff gon no explanation just gon so run from ther I started living with a women who would pay me to clean her home 50$ some one die in her family in barbayto so she had to live she said she new some one who would knead me for work I was happy she introduce me to jerry Mcfann he is a lower his wife will need a nany she drop me off soon as I new it I was 15 life was great he was very nice to me he was mentally abusing his wife and would put his wife in the of the car and told me to come to the front of the car I did not know he was putting us agains each other she was a very nice prisoners one day I witness him beeting her I was scared my leg was shaking under the table my teeth was shivering the man was 6feet11 she was only 4feet tall he was throwing her kicking her one day I was watching TV and he came and set next to he gave me a joint to smoke and he gave me a bear he call her over and he call her over and crack her on her head with a hamer blood started to gush out I was so a fraid I thought she was going to die I tried to get up to help her he told me to seat down he told her bitch don’t bleed on my floor wipe that blood of my floor I was terrified of him and he told her to tel me why he was treating her that way it’s because she sheathed on him wil he was in the hospital with his best friend and the baby she’s carying might not be his baby I was a kid I did not question why he was telling me that his a grown man in my country I was thought to respect adult most beating I got was for that so it’s glued in my head to do so a month after that happen I came home late I had no clue I was being fallowed were ever I go because he had in mine I was his to have and was making sure no one wasn’t having me my firs boyfriend was sheathing on me and decided I was to young for him in the mine sex was not something I look fawerd to I never wanted to do it so he found a girl who was mor in to sex and mature then me I was pregnant with his shild he told me to get rid of it because he wanted a pur blood Puerto Rican he did not want a Haitian baby his girl friend beet it ou of me I was4 months pregnant I was hurt I never had my heart broken he was my first love he thought me every thing I new I was a Lon but now iam destroyed I get to the place I was staying his wife opens the door and it’s dark you can feel something is not right she told me he was worrying about me cause it was 12:00 and he wanted to know we’re I was I walk in the room you smell vomit and the smell of bear I will never forget the smell of old spice smell with sweat funky disgusting he stood up befor I can answer him he slap me he said I know what you have Ben up to I was so afraid he was trieying to brake me his wife does int fight back but I fort him back the best way I could and he tried to force him self on me I run to the living room help stumbleling his wife was standing in the dark please help me his forsing himself on me please help she tun oround and said to me nothing in life is free and he punch me in the back of my head and I fell down on the ground hard he drag me by my leg to the bed and he tear of my close what he could he cut it off of me my panty he jus rip it off of me I was out of it and he got inside of me I was screaming help me crying no one came to save me she did come after he was don I was rushing to the door trieying to put something on and he pull it off of me he said you want to live live naked I was screaming no he drag me to the door there were man siting on the porch I tried to grab on the wall to keep him from taking me out side and I said no I will stay and he lock the door I was a ducted held agains my will so now me and his wife was in the same boat he cap me 16 turning 17 I got him to trust me and one day he gave me money to go out side and I never came back I run I was sick I had no idear what was wrong with me I thought I might of contracted aids or something els and the worst thing was to call a family member in this time of need I call anie my cousine I was histerical on the phone she wanted me meet her she wanted to take me to the hospital I was realive i thought I put the worst behind me I was wrong I found out I was pregnant i was17 pregnant and wanted to get rid of it she made me keep it I was so angry my hole pregnancy I went on top of a roof and stood there wanted to Jump and I thought if I did die from the fall what was going to happen to me and I could not do it I sad after I give birth I will do it my cosine tormented me I would hear her convocation on the phone she would say man there some whoers in the family this bitch came back pregnant from a man with a wife that bitch is a whoers she said she was going to help me then she would complaine about not having enough food so I started baby siting then I rich a point I don’t need this so went to covernant house they place me in to maternity programs I was a shame to have been there because no one new what was going through they were like that bitch has to be fast she’s young walking on the street people would point fingers than finally it was time I call my cousine I was a fraid I wen to newyork hospital in manhattan I gave birth to a beautiful little girl I name her I thought it was going to change how I feel I
    Am a mom some one is depending on me I felt like I have A purpose in life now it took 3 year for me to full in love I was in a group home a mother and child program I work I save all my money at19 with the help of a cousine christine she help get on track got my first apartment on my own it was something to feel good about I boutght me what ever my heart desire I spoil my baby because I never had I said I’m going to be the best mom to her I never had a mom I learn to love her I had wen she was 3 I had en other child with the man whom I thought he was the man of dream he was a night mare the man was possessive controller and mentally abuseve he thought I was sheeting on him he chace me with a nive in the apartment with my new born baby in my arm I was scared he started beeting me finally it was over I call the police he vanish 2years later I went to work come back the police are un the front of my door and my door is open I work very hard for every thing I had and every thing was gon it was rob I was unsafe so I left the apartment go to EAU that is the worse places to go for shelter they did not have a room eveleble so waited sleep on benches wen I wake up my daughter was playing with a person you know what you see on the train smell bad and dirty don’t mean to speak about this por person but she had ring worm al over my daughter had it all over her I was I the shelter sis tom for 2years it was a big set back I fanaly got en apartment I was happy I could have freedom in my life geuss what I thought marrying my first love was my happy ending we we’re marry for four years and he was a busing me puting me down he was always spoiling my oldes daughter there was no signe or what you would expect a child molester to be he was a school teacher of 2nd grade I trusted him with my life the shild new he was poisoning me I could not get up I could not do nothing to help my self I started drifting in to a deep depression he was molesting my oldes daughter I don’t know if he was angry with me for having children with. A black man he was Spanish he would tell me al the time how much he hate the black man and I would say why you want to be with me I’m a black Haitian girl why you married me and he said you are my first love and the love of his life his sol mate we wanted to have a baby remember what I said wen I was young I was pregnant and what he said we went to a fertility clinic tried to give him a baby I geuss that’s why god punish him and remove him in my life we I was 14 god new of his heart in the futured so he remove him I was still in love with him I would pick out man that reminded me of him wich was my 2child father he reminded me so much of but he wasn’t him I should of never married him he was seedless children because the girl he left me for gave him a sexal trends meted desies that made him steral he hid not know that and I found out why he hate black man so bad the girl he left me for got pregnant with a black man and sheeted on him he was taking it out on me ,he a soom I was going to do him dirty because all girl are the same doing those 4years al I have been doing is tried to convince him I love him I would never sheat on him he had a very lowed selfies tine as a man and he was taching my daughter poisoning me turn her agince me he practically brain wash her she had believe there were going to married each other and I was going to die I one day fell to the grown could not breath they were holding hands wild I was on the grown waiting for me to die he call 911wen I past out as my light was going out I was puzzle how this two was standing on the front of me so wen I came back I stated to question my self what’s going on I was on to him but I had no clue this what I was going to uncover I put him in jail I wanted to died but I thought to my self my 2daughters they need me now mor than ever I can’t kill my self again I put it off I said wen they get older and no longer kneed me now they are getting older and I got with some one whom I thought I new he was suppose to be friend he took advantage of the fac that I wasn’t my self I hurting I had no one I can lean on I thought I was in love with him the same thing iam running for my life because he won’t let go he mest up my face I had to get stitches and my ears was hanging and he put me in jail I was the victim he was choking me I bit him to get away they put me in jail we 2chidren so now all together 4children and I lost the reson I wanted to be alive my teenager hates me my oldes is mentally abusing me and she’s hating me I had to call the police to get en order protection my son is artistic his 6years old and I have a 2 year Old girl I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing it wasn’t suppose to be that way I made a mess of things I feel some time they would be better of with out me my oldes daughter hats me . She said I’m not a good mother because the true is I’m not the same person I don’t know who iam what I’m doing with those kids that was not the plan maybe some one els could do a better job than me iam tuning in to my mother my mine is not the same it’s failing me people are telling me I’m very forgetful sometime I lost track of time I look heathy to people my hair is falling out I were a wig so no one noes I’m always smiling no one noes I could not work any morr the job notice that something was wrong now I don’t even go out it’s feeds the kids buy them what they needs I feel icy layed ted I feel suicidle but iam ashame I feel that I can’t speak with no one I need help I look al over the internet for a place I can excape to like being a nun doing gods work or something to get in to I don’t want to tell no one I’m feeling like that I don’t want to hurt my self but the thought com in to mined I feel they would be better of with out me there is no excape noway out no one to take the kids no family that could take them so ican get my mind strate and why put them through that I want to be hear until they turn 18 and no longer kneed me but what life iam giving them iam afraid of people or trust any one some one save me from the darkness in my mine please

  85. I am family scapegoat. When I was 37 still attacked violently by brother. Escape?

  86. “Mom” was angry I made a police report about that brother who tried to run down my WIFE and I with his car. You might say I hate him or my mom or my other brother for saying, “Don’t you report him… He is in a divorce and must have custody of his children.”

    My wife had a f***ing stroke in ER? Sometimes to FORGIVE one must cut off the tsunami and live on higher ground as LITERALLY THEY discount all I am and all I love. If anyone is gonna die, well it won’t be my wife or me. I don’t have to wish them Ill. We all die in time. Tick talk. Bow to the clock.

    As for me, I want to see Them suffer. I have always loved them.

    Son, BIL, brother

  87. If a person suicides, consider this is OUR monopoly game. Ride it out. If all you have is Lowly Baltic Ave, and rent is $2,000 and you will lose, LOSE by losing. Don’t flip the board. Or get UP and say “you win”. Maybe I’ll try that

  88. Ive struggled with thoughts of suicide all my life. I just keep ending up back in positions of hopelessness and complete struggle. Right now i am in a hotel after leaving due to feeling like complete crap from the way my wife talks to me. I have a 7 month old baby at home who is truly amazing. Im so scared she is going to end up like me. Im powerless to change my own life so i dont think i can protect her which makes me feel even worse as a father. I dont have anyone in my life to confide in. I recently left our church due to stagnation. So the light that i might even have seen has gone dim. Ivr gone back and forth with these “fall outs” with no lasting change that i dont even have faith in God anymore. I just wish i could have rest. I dont want to cause destruction by killing myself but i just cant keep veing thrown through the torture chambers anymore. Please pray for me. I think one day i might have the courage to finally kill myself and i know thars the wrong choice.

  89. Im young, and have gone through so much. Recently everythings just gone down hill. I use to self harm myself when i was younger and I stopped because I realized I was hurting my mom. I wasn’t living with my mom for a while because I was kicked out and I have recently moved back in. It was all good until I did something to make her not trust me again. My moms my everything because she’s the only person I have. but it sucks that she doesn’t like me for the things I’ve done. I’ve thought about ending it so much but the only thing holding me back is my mom and my boyfriend. I don’t want them to be hurt because i’ve chosen to leave. So many people talk about how after they end it that the people they love suffer so much. but i mean eventually they get over it. They move on. the pain they have is temporary. I wish I could just talk to my mom but she’s so complicated and talking about this to anyone seem lie im just bothering them with my problems so I just keep the thought to myself.

  90. I also have this crazy obsession with suicide. I have been abused sexually/physically and emotionally as a child. My brother raped me. My grandfather when I was 10 would take me to McDonalds because he knew I loved French fries just to play with my 10 year old breasts. A fact I shared a few years back with my family. My mother divorced my father and moved to Las Vegas where my world would be thrust into a whole new craziness when she died while I was 17. Unable to finish school because I had to take care of myself and my wonderful father when I called to say mommy died and he said she made her bed, let her lie in it, I knew there was no place for me to go so I had to survive on my own. So lucky me, I met some wealthy people through a modeling job because I was a young, sexy little girl. In turn, they gave me the commercial but then set me up in a sweet apartment and had men come to visit me for sex. I was a high priced call girl. I was also a high priced call girl for MANY hotels in Vegas when they had a man needing a girl for the night or weekend. Again, I was a beautiful young girl. I did this even with a boyfriend because he loved the money. Long story short, I then became pregnant from the boyfriend only to find out I had to have an abortion because he gave me a sexually transmitted disease. Oh yea, these were the 80s! Cocaine, weed, alcohol and party all night long. Fortunately, there was a union strike and I was able to get a job as a cocktail waitress at the fabulous Las Vegas Hilton and my life started to change. I was finally capable of making honest money. However, my past always haunted me. I left the bad boyfriend only to move on to a guy who was respected in the hotel, yet he had his addictions. Cocaine. He broke my collarbone after throwing me over a couch when I wanted to leave him. Seems like that has been the story of my life, abuse. I went on to do well until I met my ex husband with whom I had a daughter with who is now 26. I went on to become a Paralegal. Got my shit together. Yet because of my mental illness, depression, PSTD, and panic disorder, my family has disowned me. I am just not good enough, not trying hard enough, not moving forward. My point….I am SICK of hearing about how the FAMILY is going to feel or how THEY will suffer. Damn it, I can’t even get my daughter to talk to me on the phone or even take me to the grocery store because she can’t handle my depression or crying. I gave my daughter all I could. She never wanted for anything. She always had a pretty stable home, bought her her first car, she got a full ride scholarship for law school because I fought to keep her educated and I am a well respected legal professional where I am. However, because I have issues with depression, it is all a joke in her dad’s family. So I am the joke. So for all of you feeling sad for the others you leave behind. PLEASE. If she cries ONE day for me, GOOD!! Maybe she will learn the one word all of us want EMPATHY! NOT SYMPATHY!! For God’s sake what is wrong with the doctors, the family, the public and society that just do not get the real of mental illness. I don’t chose to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be abused. Even now, with all my depression, I have men who are only interested in getting some because I am “cute”. It even turns them on more that I am the damsel in distress so sooner or later their pants want to come down! And you have to wonder why I would want to take myself out??? Thank God he gave me a loving sweet German Shepherd to help me get through each day. However, stop with the selfishness comments. It is not selfish to NOT be cared for in life….PLEASE don’t feel sorry for yourself in my death. Such an oxymoron! Family are just looking for a excuse to feel better about their stupidity and ignorance of what their loved one was facing. And PLEASE don’t tell me you didn’t know. WE ALL who feel this way try to share it in the best way we know how. How many times have you heard, ohhhh just know GOD, just try something different, you will be okay, get rid of the dog, change your focus, it’s not as bad as you see it, lunch will help, etc. etc. etc. Bottom line, I don’t advocate suicide. I don’t want to take out the thought that I MIGHT actually not find that final beautiful moment that it goes away. However, I again, am very sick of hearing how it leaves others heartbroken. One should be heartbroken to know that their so called loved ones are in severe pain and it is THEN that you need to listen. Not ask for SYMPATHY when that loved one has had enough. ALL people in the pain of depression, loneliness, panic etc. reach out even in the smallest ways. Grow a loving heart to see it and maybe, just maybe if YOUR aren’t selfish, you can lead that precious horse to water!!!

  91. I am feeling complete hopelessness and have been contemplating suicide. I just need to escape the emotional pain. I am in financial ruin. My business is on the verge of going under. My wife left me for another man several months ago. I see no way out. My creditors will soon be at my doorstep, and only a miracle could save me now. I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers, for guidance, for a miracle but He has not answered. I want this pain to end, and short of a financial miracle that’s not coming, I cannot escape this. I’ve accepted my wife abandoning me…if only I could make the financial stress go away I believe I could find happiness again. But right now I’m so depressed that all of my motivation is gone. The only thing that gives me any will to live right now is that I have five beautiful daughters, and I know my death will hurt them deeply. But I just can’t go on anymore with this constant never ending pain and worry. I’ve lived a good life, a decent life, I’ve always been generous to others in need. But with my business having failed, and at my age, I see no hope, no chance at reinventing my life, and no other way out. I don’t even know how I will end it…I’ve researched different methods and frankly none of them give me comfort. I’m a coward when it comes to this, but I feel I must do it. I cannot endure much longer. I just pray that my girls will understand, and that they will be okay after I’m gone.
    Hopeless in Colorado

  92. Sadly, I know longer believe in treatment for myself. Ten people in my world have died by suicide and I suspect I will do likewise sooner or later.

  93. Erika and the rest of you on hereon here. Has it ever crossed your minds that suicide can be a right decision? My life is a mixed up as everyone’s on here (through no-one’s fault except my own). I have an IQ of 175 so there are few people who can oversee me and explain where my decisions are incorrect. So as not to leave my family with financial burdens (they all have utter contempt and loathing for me because relative to them I am from another planet and another species) I am getting my affairs in order before I top myself. This means that after their tears subside (probably after a few days slamming me because they no longer have me as the oracle to solve all of their problems) they will forget and construct a myth about how I was god’s gift to humanity! A load of rubbish because I cannot stand humanity and good riddance to the lot of you. By the way, when I go, I will have killed over 7 billion of you (think about it for a few hours). So, just remember this, why is life precious? Who said so? It is an utter bore!
    Ps. Because I also have a set of principles that none of you would have the slightest understanding of, I intend killing myself in the most painful way that I can think off (A pity I cannot die a thousand ways not just one). But on second thoughts, perhaps the most painful way for my life to be is to not commit suicide and to stay alive amongst you all!
    ?

  94. There’s a grammatical error in this post, “their demise as they only reasonable choice”.. They, should be, the.

    Also last night I felt so emotionally destroyed that I desired to drown myself in the tub. Even while being very committed to faith, I wanted it. The knowledge of that desire today weighs terribly on my spirit and I feel so down. Recovery is hard.

  95. Suicide is all about extreme inner pain. I suffered from depression most of my younger life. It was tied to situations as I was a war baby in a very unstable home. I saw too much for my age and I blamed myself for not being able to make everything ok – even at a very young age. The bottom line … I am ok and in a very good place in life now. I am not depressed; instead, sad when I reflect on my earlier years. I wish people would not judge anyone who is unsuccessful in a suicide gesture. Instead, they should reach out with love, caring and understanding. Be a support system instead of tearing down someone who is already in a low spot. I have found those who usually are ‘so sympathetic and wished the successful person had only reached out’ are the same critical people. Stop judging – educate yourself and make the difference in helping.

  96. Suicide is about extreme inner pain. I was a very depressed, suicidal person when I was younger. I am a ‘war baby’ that saw too much, too early. Being very sensitive, I felt it was my job to try really hard to make everyone around me ok and happy. When it didn’t happen, I blamed myself. At times, I felt life was not worth living. Being under so much stress, all the time, when someone rejected or hurt me, it only made me feel less important in this world…almost disposable like a paper towel. Sometimes, for whatever reason, life seems too heavy and dark. Instead of criticizing someone for a failed suicide attempt, why not try to help, understand, and be a positive influence? Usually, those critical people are the same ones that say ‘what a shame…if only that person had reached out’ about the ones that were successful. We are a nation with double standards. Those who are critical, how good would you feel if you knew you saved a life with a few kind words? It would change you forever….

  97. I am very, very tired of the pain. I have gone through lots of therapy, off and on for over 25 years and don’t know how much more I can take. I fear failure for recovery and don’t feel like I could ever truly recover. It is very hard to go on.

  98. The police know how to help me with suicidal thoughts? Yes, they will help by locking me up in a stinky cell with criminals.
    The hospital/Psychiatrists know how to help me??? I have met at least 20 and they have all tried their concoctions & failed. Even the top Psychiatrists at Asia’s largest institute of mental science, NIMHANS came to the conclusion that I should leave my studies(though I had always been a good student) because I can’t take the pressure. Well, if I can’t take the pressure of medical studies (though I competed in one of the toughest competitive exams to get in medical school), how can I take the pressures of life, which is a tougher school than any in the world? I hope you will agree that life is tougher than any medical school. So what the famed Psychiatrists at NIMHANS were telling me(& rightly so) is that I can not take the pressures of life and so I should leave it(I.e., commit suicide). I tried several times, but miraculously escaped each time. Only I know what I am going through. Don’t dare to say that you understand. Wouldn’t it be fair to realize my agony & give me euthanasia?

  99. I have a mental illness-psychosis/depression I have dealt with the suicide illness(which it’s a chemical in-balance in the brain)that does affect certain people, and I too have an illness and it’s suicide and its an emotional disorder. I have been on a journey for 30 years trying to work it all out. Suicide is a negative thought and you need to teach, yes teach yourself, repeat it in your mind to push, yes push, positive thoughts instead. Suicide emotional thoughts do pass, though its a split second thought to end your life. I know its an emotion pain, but while your in that thought exploit it. If you have repeated suicidal thoughts then, maybe you need to look further into yourself to help yourself overcome it. Another thing I do is that its ‘me’ that’s looking after the patient, which has a mental illness. I think too to think deeper to find solutions to overcome it.
    And yes, it is an illness just like cancer, a lot of people are cured, though mental illness your never cured only recovered and most people with a mental illness have to live with the side effects of the medications that you have to have for the rest of your life. In Australia there’s one child a week that dies because of the suicide illness. Suicide is not selfish! its emotional pain.
    I hope I have helped someone to live-on until 100 years old!:) Thank you that I came across this forum-I’m studying Diploma Case Management for mental health services. JMX

  100. Sitting here lost alone very depressed. Writing to avoid the inevitable. Thanks for your expertise at writing so neatly about suicide. It’s actually messy sad complex intense and it actually makes good sense. When life gets too much to bear, we should be able to pull the trigger on our own lives and end it. It’s quite simple really. Just die, when you’re ready. Let life be over as you choose. It’s not about them or religion or politics or doing the right thing.. It’s about making a final decision to end it all. It’s dying with dignity, free will, power to choose your own destiny without being judged. No one lives in your shoes. “They” can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It’s your own life or death. If your life is no longer worth living then, end it.

  101. Here is my story.Ever since I’ve been a kid I’ve had a good life. Im a very introverted person. As a result I don’t have many friends. My mom was my rock that I could lean on. She has a lot of hopes for me. I’ve always wondered the meaning of life. Why I was here? What’s my purpose…etc.. I found somE reasons. Now I find none.Recently my mom had a brain stroke. after this I think I can’t feel compassion for anyone. She’s paralyzed.she was a very cheery person. I can’t see her like this. I’m also a kleptomaniac. So you can see one reason why the world would be off better without me. I also started failing university and have lost all interest in studying . I could keep ranting on…

  102. My “demons” hit hard in the middle of the night. Like last night when the thoughts of finding a way out of the hell I find myself in overwhelm me. I am loved very much by my family and kids, but because of a dominating abusing exhusband I have developed an unhealthy self image. My greatest wish is to find a happy peaceful “place” where I can just breath. I just don’t know where it is or if it even really exists.

  103. My family does not value me.
    I feel worthless.
    There is no purpose to my life.
    My spouse has threatened to kill me several times. He hates me.
    He wants sex, but complains about my “tiny tits”
    It’s not as if I hid my flat chest from him.
    His dick is almost invisible, but I never comment about that. He’s an asshole.

    • Hi JB,

      It sounds like you are in a toxic relationship! The first thing I would do if I were you is to get my self out of that situation by either leaving him or working through a marriage professional. It is hard to see your value or purpose when you are living in a cycle of doomed.

      I know this because I have been there. The five years I was married to my ex, was the same way. I was made to feel like I was a loser and was lucky to have her bc she knew about my rough childhood, like her family and the fact she went to church made her that much more better than me. She used our kids as a chain to keep me in her grasp and to accept thing her way or have hell to pay. I am not going to say that I was perfect and without fault in my part but the reality was that it was a toxic relationship that I had to get myself out of not only for my sake but for her sake and my kids sake. We were addicted to each other and not in a good way! When therapy didn’t work I filed for divorced. I quickly learned that it became a whole lot worse before it got better. But eventually it did become better! From being suicidal in the beginning to a couple of years from my divorce….

      I am a better father now, I learned a lot about myself and my faults and was able to focus on becoming a better me! I would not be where I am today if I was still stuck in the repetiveness cycle of the toxic marriage I was in! I began to be able to see the value and self worth I have to bring, I began to experience good moments and life again. I am now building good memories for my kids, and am more successful in my career. Far from the loser that she made me believe I was!

      Do not believe the lies and seek the approval of those people who do not have your best interest in mind to gauge your worth in this life! Know that you have so much to give and so much happiness yet to experience in your future. Remember that it may get worst before it gets better, but if you can survive it, it most definitely will get better!

      Sincerely,
      Victor Marmolejo

  104. I often question why my life is so full of pain, and if it is worth trying to keep my head above water in what I describe as a groundhog type cycle.
    I live in the UK and have been involved with psychiatric services since I was a boy. I am now 41 and feel the only reason I am still alive is my own cowardice to actually, take the pills or to take that step to actually end my own suffering.
    someone threatened to kill me a week ago and I actually wanted to say to him, “please do” but couldn’t. He meant kill too, not a figure of speech.
    my life is pain, some caused by my own mind and actions, some by others.
    I feel trapped and lost.

  105. Trying to find a reason for living. Something that is for me, Not living for someone else. Sure I can stick around because I can help others, Because my kids would miss me? they would get over it in a couple of weeks. Not good enough, Living with the pain every day, not just physical pain but emotional pain as well. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Tired of living, I have pain meds, but hate taking them. Maybe take them all at one time, but they make me sick. Wouldn’t do any good to take them all if I can’t keep them down. Sometimes I pray to God to take me, but I’m still here. I hate my life,

    • Hi Notformetosay,

      I understand your pain. I have been there, mostly from the emotional standpoint I can only imagine how much more tormented you must feel dealing with constant physical pain. You may not be able to find or see a reason for living through your current state, but trust me it is there! Sometimes when times are tough it has to get worse before it gets better. Just know that it WILL get better. Try to focus only on those things which are in your control to change or affect and not waste your time or energy on the impossible. That is true for the past mistakes as well. Beating yourself up over past failures or mistakes does nothing to improve your right now. Instead dig deep and find those small moments or memories where you experienced some sort of joy or happiness! The birth of your children, falling in love, a past accomplishment, laughing so uncontrollable hard, memories of good times with friends or family, etc…. Remember how all of the despair which you felt before those moments seemed to disappear or not matter! That is reason enough to live right there my friend! The certainty that good things will happen again! You may not believe it right now, but if you think back to before those other happy thoughts you experienced, you probably didn’t think those would happen either. Focus on the now, and living the best you right now! A positive outlook has the power to trump a negative past! You are a survivor and a fighter… How do I know this, because I am one too! I know that you did not make it this far without being an overcomer! The sweetest revenge for overcoming failure is by being the best version of you today! So get out there and kick this life’s ass!!!

      I sincerely hope that you are still around to read this and I hope that I will one day read an update on how well you are doing in the future!

      Sincerely,

      Victor

  106. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Drowning In The Rain: by Victor Marmolejo

    Sometimes I lay awake at night, thinking bout the rain
    Wonder if I lay in it, if it’ll wash away the pain?
    Will it drown out all my sadness and dilute mistakes I’ve made?
    Or will the puddles form around me, and drown me in a watery grave?
    Will those tiny raindrops falling and splashing on the ground,
    Finally help my mind find rest as I close my eyes to the sound?
    Oh how I hate the rain sometimes, oh how I miss the sun,
    But why is it that when there is no rain, that I long for it to come?
    Why do sorrows seem to drown me when the sky pours down on me?
    But when it’s dry , my souls in drought, and life seems so lonely.
    I shake my fist and shout above to the clouds hanging over head.
    I curse the Bringer of the floods and think sometimes I’d rather be dead.
    How could you bring this wrath on me.? Why can’t I be someone, somewhere else?
    But could it be…maybe…possibly..that I bring the rain upon myself?
    I’m lying awake tonight, wondering about all this rain
    Except there is no rain out, but inside are clouds of pain
    I’m drowning in my bed with drops of all the mistakes I’ve made.
    Puddles are streaming down my cheeks, forming a watery grave.
    I’m praying as tears like rain drops fall splashing on the ground,
    That my mind and soul can rest tonight, I close my eyes…but there’s no sound!

  107. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Life Goes On: by Victor Marmolejo

    Sometimes, I close my eyes, and imagine death.
    Place my hand on my chest, as I take a breath.
    Look in the mirror, as tears stream down my face.
    Such an ugly picture, to take, to ones grave
    I look at photos, of those I’d leave behind
    Wish that I could fast forward, or press rewind
    Reminiscing, thinking, on those better days
    Wishing I could change, some of my evil ways
    Stare at the bullet, look up and pray for peace
    Will life’s questions be answered, when I’m deceased?
    Will life truly be better, when I am gone?
    Open your eyes, the bullet cries…Life goes on!

    All that is left, in the left side of my chest.
    Is pain that weighs like a brick, wont let me rest.
    My broken heart tells me that I cant make it.
    Regrets I did repent but still cant shake “em.
    Nagging voices in my head that wont let up.
    Urging me, constantly, to just give up.
    Will mistakes that are haunting me, ever stop?
    Or is my only way out, a cheap pine box?
    I watched as she walked away, and didn’t look back.
    Listened to her nasty words, when she attacked.
    Now the gun is on my lap, and she is gone
    Imagine myself lying dead, while for her – life goes on

    She’s living and loving life, but I’m not there
    My bodies still warm in ground, She doesn’t care
    She married and having kids, I’ve been dead a while
    Life never stops, not even for a little while
    I think about my kids who now don’t have me there
    I claw at my casket, for even deaths not fair
    “Dad was a coward” I hear my son sadly exclaim.
    As he looks down at my grandchild that he must raise
    Now grandpas pleading for a chance just to see him once.
    I’m screaming for mercy, to meet my young grandson.
    Was it worth it to escape life, in death my pains not gone,
    I’m awake now as I thank God, for Life does goes on!

  108. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Deserving (clean version) by Victor Marmolejo

    As I reflect on things I wish I could forget, and think about this pain that won’t relent, I KNOW… that I deserve it.
    I recollect, the memories that I regret, and paint these haunting pictures in my head, NIGHTMARES… oh I deserve them
    I lay awake, many nights with such nagging thoughts, reliving all those times we loved and fought, HEARTACHE… and I deserve this
    A nasty fate, for me to reap what I have wrought, I seek but never find what I’ve sought, MY FATE… yes I deserve this
    Pray to a god, who I question every day, wrestling and struggling with my faith, I’M LOST… and I deserve this
    He’s shown his face, many times which I can’t deny, yet I still ask who, when, what, where, or why? CONFLICT… and I deserve it

    As I sit here, and take a good look at myself, I admit, I well earned this living hell, TORMENT… oh I deserve it
    But still I know, things you said, that I don’t deserve, to be cursed and condemned by all your words, SHAMEFUL.. I don’t deserve that
    You prophesied, that without you I won’t succeed, joy, happiness, and love weren’t meant for me, NONSENSE… I don’t deserve that
    You made mistakes, yet you live like your innocent, placed me as fault for this relationship, BLAME GAME., I don’t deserve that
    Yes all those lies, you told without blinking eyes, “I love you” you said aloud with your opened thighs, MIND RAPED, I didn’t deserve that
    Truth be told, now many things have been revealed, you lied, but what i felt for you was real, LOST TIME… I don’t deserve that
    But life goes on, I’ve come to terms and learned to deal, I’ve come clean and my wounds will one day heal, WILL YOURS?… Do you serve to?
    I will move on, and forget all my hurtful fears, my eyes will dry and smiles will replace tears. AWAKE… (I see now) I didn’t deserve YOU!

    I deserve more! To be loved for all that I am, to be appreciated as a man, RESPECT… Yes, I deserve that
    To live life blessed, because with passion I do love, despite my sad past which I rose above, STRONG WILL.., and I deserved that
    To find someone, who sees all of the best in me, who will enjoy, when I treat her like a queen, FAIRY TALE… she will deserve that
    To live my life, and forget all about your lies, grow old, and die, with loved ones by my side, FULFILLED -life… we all deserve that
    I wish you best, because there’s no more time to waste, forgiveness and rebuilding shouldn’t haste, CLOSURE… we both deserve that
    I’ll leave with this, “People are bigger than this earth”‘ “yet many die and never know their worth”… SO THINK… Do I deserve that?

  109. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Tears and Thanksgiving! By Victor Marmolejo

    I sometimes can’t help but think on things that I thought I would rather have forgotten. There are some moments and memories of my life that were once filled with pain and shame. As a kid my life was such a mess. I don’t recall ever looking at my childhood life with any happy thoughts. There were no birthday parties, and I can’t remember of many happy occasions or holidays I looked forward to. I thought about suicide, and survival. I wondered how I could get today over with and how the heck I was going to get through tomorrow. In school I tried to fit in by pretending to be like everyone else. I would make up stories about the fun I had during the summer and winter breaks. I invented happy times and wrote about the awesome birthday parties, Christmas gifts and Thanksgiving feast we had. The truth was, there were scarcely and parties, gifts, or feast. As a kid I experienced fear and violence. The food stamps intended to feed us were cut in half and traded for cash for alcohol or other items outside the intended purpose. There were 8 of us kids, one not so loving mother, and no fathers or steady checks from either of our fathers coming in. On most Thanksgivings and Christmases, we would wake up at five in the morning and stand in line in downtown Houston with the homeless people to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal, and visit Catholic Charity churches in hopes of getting more food, clothes, and presents. I remember how cold it was standing in an outside line during winter, and the foul smell of alcohol and urine all around us, But we were dirty little kids used to our own odors, so whose to say those homeless people didn’t have to put up with my smell too! There were also constant beatings at home, and having to fight all of the other kids in the entire neighborhood it seemed! My neighborhood was hard enough to survive without people knowing that you were a scared, abused, and underfed, poor kid. I wondered how many other families if any were like mine…pretending to be well off, while living a life of hell. There was fear, pain and tears, man were there pain and tears, but I had to keep them in, my tears had to be shed in private! I hate to think about those times, because it brings back feelings that I no longer like to carry… If I speak about them even with my siblings, my closest friends, and those few in my life that I feel intimate enough to share some things with… my demeanor changes and I become somewhat different, I become that fearful, and angry person again! I have to shake my head, snap out of it, and bring myself back from my subconsciousness and back into my “Now” reality. But yet, still I can’t help but think about those terrible times that were filled with tears and be thankful. That’s right I said I am thankful for them!

    Thanksgiving is just about a day away, and this one is not going to be one of those Thanksgivings I look forward to every other year. This is going to be one without my kids. A Thanksgiving that in the past I would find it hard to get out of bed on. I usually turn my phone off and shut all social media down, ignoring all of the phone calls and invites from my friends who know me and are in good will trying to get me to not shut myself out from the world for another holiday. My friends and family all try to help me and want me to enjoy a holiday without my kids. In the past I would find it difficult to do this because all I would see is my kids everywhere, with every other family, besides mine. All it reminded of was that I did not have my kids there! So I would rather stay in and avoid it all until it was over. However for over a year now, I have been on a journey of self awareness, growth, and living in the “Now”. I focus on what is good, right now, what good I can do, right now, what is in my control, right now. I have learned that living in the miserable past, and thinking about the horribleness of my life, my mistakes, and my problems does nothing for me but keep me from living my best today. And worrying about tomorrow has but the same effect. I have truly been happier and more at peace since, than I have ever been. Not problem free, mistake free, or worry free, but happy nonetheless and thankful.

    I look at my children and see their happy smiles. It makes me smile…and happy, to see them live and experience “a childhood”. It’s not the perfect childhood situation, and I am by no means the perfect father. I am divorced, and make many mistakes as a parent, I’m constantly bumping heads with their mother, and I feel like I could and should be doing so much more for them! But when I look at my children in retrospect to my own childhood, I am full of thanksgiving for every childhood tear that I cried and that today my kids don’t have to. When they get older, I can only imagine, that they will look at my grand kids one day who won’t have to struggle through the things they had to struggle with and feel the same way. I am grateful that I have been given the maturity to be able to look at my past and the pain and to recognize that I am a survivor and that I am stronger and I am better person today because of it all. This year, I will count all of my blessings and not forget about yesterday’s tears in my Thanksgiving!

  110. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Good Things: by Victor Marmolejo

    If I could pass some lessons learned through my life on this earth
    Number #1would be: To appreciate TODAY for all that it’s worth
    Life is a merely a series of moments that can pass in a flash
    And having a positive outlook helps trump a negative past
    This is YOUR journey to live, why not enjoy the course?
    We’re meant to live life in the now, not live with remorse

    Life never promised that there’d be no sadness or shame
    From the depth of our valleys, we must remember all the good things
    In the midst of the storms, when life is pouring down rain
    Through the stinging of tears we must see past the pain
    Don’t focus on past mistakes made, that you’d rather forget
    And all those “I love you’s” once said repeat them today without any regret

    I know sometimes the heart hurts and sometimes the heart breaks
    I’ve had my fair share of heart breaks and I’ve cause many heart aches
    But through each experience I’ve learned so much of myself
    I know this journey is mine and not meant for anyone else
    In life there’s so much I’ve lost, yet I don’t count myself robbed
    Instead I choose to count myself blessed that I once had them all

    Before my time expires and I have seconds left
    I want nothing but good things to speak from my last breath
    It’s just those small good memories which I’ll choose to see
    When I’m laying inches from death and my life flashes before me

    So if life has you down and your feeling sadness or shame
    You find yourself deep in a valley and storms are pouring down rain
    Know that your journey is not over, and there is still some time left
    More good moments await you, don’t dare take your last breath
    Don’t let your life flash before you and not ever see
    The good things life has left and meant for only YOUR memories
    Through the stinging of tears you must see past your pain
    It’s worth it, I promise to see nothing but good things

  111. Everyday I want this pain ,worry hurt, hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness to end. I want to die to stop it, but I don’t want to hurt my kids. But me being alive and so sad and locked in my room makes them sad anyway. I think in the long run, they’ll be better off without me.

  112. After having raised twin daughters for 19 years, both girls were the lights of my life and appeared to be doing well and thriving in college. But unfortunately it wasn’t so….only one was doing well, the other had fallen off. One daughter came home for the summer with an eating disorder and severe depression. Completely a different person than she was just 6 months ago and prior. She is no longer the same person and our future is no longer a happy one, as she is in the hospital for the 7th week now and it’s going nowhere, only getting worse. This pain is too much and I can’t forsee a day of happiness in my/our future. I do love my other daughter equally as much….though the pain of losing one is just too much. I always felt that being a mom of twin daughters was really something special that most people would never be so lucky to know how that feels….but that feeling has now turned into an anchor of saddness and people just can’t understand how much it hurts.

  113. My problem is that I made my own bed. I was in a long term painful marriage, that I tried for so long to make work. Ultimately I fell into an addiction that destroyed me financially…and I see no way out. I hate myself for what I did…and I can’t fix it, or recover from it without a financial miracle. It seems as though forgiving somebody else would be easier…the constant pain I feel is so unbearable. Isn’t it funny how 50k is nothing to some people, but to me it’s the difference between life and death. I’m broken…it’s just the sad truth. I wish you all well. Don’t wait until it’s too late, pursue peace and the answers you need, while it’s still called today.

  114. Oh I feel like that have been fighting suicide for 3 days getting close to end

  115. Wow it is comforting to know you are not alone, ever since I was a child I had suicidal thoughts. I was the youngest of two older siblings, and I was bullied alot in school. I then grew up and tried to hide my pain, it was never addressed,which I think caused me to develop an personality disorder,I was always trying to be someone I was not, just to fit in, and at the age of 19 I was done with all of the inner pain and.decided that I wanted to end it all, the very next day on my way to work I was struck and hit by a car, and the impact alone almost made me black out, but I shook my head and came out of it somehow, I guess it just wasn’t.my time, I never had much support growing up, and now that I am older those.same thoughts are slowly coming back, I have a 2 year old son, that I love dearly, but sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me, he doesn’t deserve a stupid depressed subhuman mother, he deserves so much more than I feel I could ever give him, I wake up everyday and just wish that I had died in my sleep, I know it sounds selfish but the pain is very real to me

  116. Wow it is comforting to know you are not alone, ever since I was a child I had suicidal thoughts. I was the youngest of two older siblings, and I was bullied alot in school. I then grew up and tried to hide my pain, it was never addressed,which I think caused me to develop an personality disorder,I was always trying to be someone I was not, just to fit in, and at the age of 19 I was done with it all of the inner pain and.decided that I wanted to end it all, the very next day on my way to work I was struck and hit by a car, and the impact alone almost made me black out, but I somehow came out of it,I guess it just wasn’t.my time, I never had much support growing up, and now that I am older those.same thoughts are slowly coming back, I have a 2 year old son, that I love dearly, but sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me, he doesn’t deserve a stupid depressed subhuman mother, he deserves so much more than I feel I could ever give him, I wake up everyday and just wish that I had died in my sleep, I know it sounds selfish but the pain is very real to me. I was raised in religious beliefs and I believe that taking one’s own life is a sin against God,and that by committing that act, you will not make it into heaven, so my beliefs along with the love for my son, has stopped me from going through with my plans, but it is a constant agonizing thought, a constant daily reminder, I know I should have more faith in God because in him there is hope,I just wish I could get rid of this pain.

  117. I’m 22 years old. In the last two years of my life, I have lost my job, been evicted twice, had a child, had my relationship disintegrate, my Father has died, and then I was raped. I’ve always struggled with depression, but after the sexual assault… Let’s just say I don’t want to live with the memories anymore. My ex had me admitted to a psych ward as a 5150 and it was as humiliating as being raped. They literally took everything I had of comfort, I didn’t have a picture of my daughter, and then they handcuffed me in front of my neighbors and child. To this day, my neighbors refuse to speak to me because they think I’m a criminal.

    Each day is painful to live through, and everyone says that I have so much to live for. But I’m tired of remembering. At this point, the only thing I have left is my daughter- and I’m almost sure that I will lose her someday too. Everyone expects me to function normally. Go to school. Take care of my daughter. Keep working.

    But I’m tired. At 22 I’ve experienced the most horrible, awful, violating things a person can experience. And I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve begun to believe that they want to me live for selfish reasons, because if they knew how I felt- they would let me kill myself.

    I’ve never made an attempt, but I think of it almost daily. Eventually I will lose everything, so why should I wait to die in pain and alone? Death sounds nice and peaceful.

  118. diagnosed as depressed and anxious, more than 2 years, not getting any better, medications and therapy did not work, getting too old to go on, keep thinking about ending it

  119. No, hospitals are NOT always a safe place to go. I literally got PTSD from one when already on the brink of killing myself.
    Some people are in situations that will never change. They have exhausted all possibilities, may or may not be depressed, but wish to die. I cannot imagine ANYTHING remotely possible that would make me want to live.

  120. I am just tired of the same cycle … over and over. It seems too much like the twilight zone or a bad trip that just recurs (as a fyi, I don’t do drugs). Everything in my life, other than my kids (21, 20, 17) is totally hell and recurring. I gave up my career that I loved and cost me completing my doctorate to do what was best for the family. After which, the career I am in is killing me (or possibly killed me), my wife who has been my soulmate is developing other friends and is now gay, I have my own identity confustion and also lost my faith in the god of my youth. I have gone through several major heartache setbacks that, to be honest, have probably fractured who I was most of my life. I have regrets and combined with my wife, seem to paralize me or send me to deep depression. I had a mother who died when I was 19 years old due to complications of diabetes and I gained a heartfelt appreciation of her not wanting to live any more. In my situation, I see how me being with my kids will help them (as I have been a key to their getting through their own challenges with depression and moving forward to be in a successful life), but much of the time I have no hope and am not really sure that I can continue with this existence. I can’t bear to continue to experience what has happened to the one I love … and yes she does still love me, I think. I realize I am on a pretty dark and narrow path … but the pain is pretty much too much and overwhelming at times. I feel so alone … in my job, away from my job (as my wife works many weekends and is unwilling to change) …any thoughts from people who have actually made it through this and ended up on the other side happy are appreciated. Note that for most of my life (40 of 50 years), I was of sound mind, happy and had abundant hope. This all hit about 6-7 years ago and is only progressing down the rabbit hole at a pretty rapid pace. Hope would be very much appreciated …

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