509 Comments to
Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

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  1. I am just tired of the same cycle … over and over. It seems too much like the twilight zone or a bad trip that just recurs (as a fyi, I don’t do drugs). Everything in my life, other than my kids (21, 20, 17) is totally hell and recurring. I gave up my career that I loved and cost me completing my doctorate to do what was best for the family. After which, the career I am in is killing me (or possibly killed me), my wife who has been my soulmate is developing other friends and is now gay, I have my own identity confustion and also lost my faith in the god of my youth. I have gone through several major heartache setbacks that, to be honest, have probably fractured who I was most of my life. I have regrets and combined with my wife, seem to paralize me or send me to deep depression. I had a mother who died when I was 19 years old due to complications of diabetes and I gained a heartfelt appreciation of her not wanting to live any more. In my situation, I see how me being with my kids will help them (as I have been a key to their getting through their own challenges with depression and moving forward to be in a successful life), but much of the time I have no hope and am not really sure that I can continue with this existence. I can’t bear to continue to experience what has happened to the one I love … and yes she does still love me, I think. I realize I am on a pretty dark and narrow path … but the pain is pretty much too much and overwhelming at times. I feel so alone … in my job, away from my job (as my wife works many weekends and is unwilling to change) …any thoughts from people who have actually made it through this and ended up on the other side happy are appreciated. Note that for most of my life (40 of 50 years), I was of sound mind, happy and had abundant hope. This all hit about 6-7 years ago and is only progressing down the rabbit hole at a pretty rapid pace. Hope would be very much appreciated …

  2. I constantly want to kill myself. I was self mutilating for 3 years before deciding to do it. My bf is the only thing keeping me from doing it. I don’t want to work, I want to do the things I want to do. Sadly, I can’t afford anything, not even treatment. I went to see a psychiatrist once and he just gave me 8 different kinds of pills. I was about to kill myself, then my bf rushed into the room and took the blade away from me and threatened to kill himself if I did. I can’t stop crying. I just want to end this life and go somewhere else.

  3. I seen alot of death in my close family members my cousin who was not a cousin but a sister suffering from lukemia.I think that what started it all she went in 1985 then went both set of great grandparents with in 2 years of each other in 1990 then went my great aunt maryland and uncle ed in 2000, in 2005 lost my mom father to alzheimers then in 2010 lost my uncle chuck andaunt dot and my dad father tripple wamy that year and now my mom mother possibly do to lung cancer. I’am a firefighter and yes i see really horible things but at the academy they teach you not to show emotion.I have a place and nice place where i will go and end it all.when the time comes.It i won’t do it i have said i will do itAnd i’am not bluffin my mind is made up

  4. After years of back surgeries, I am in constant pain. Doctors continue to push me off to each other and no one wants to take responsibility. I have since been hit by a truck in my car and cannot work. I am seeking medical treatment, but to no avail. I have an attorney, but he is worthless. My family is suffering financially and emotionally watching their broken matriarch deteriorate more every day. I have lived past my usefulness. Suicide sometimes is the only way out.

  5. I found this when I searched online “is suicide the way out” I dont know what to do anymore. I feel my parents hate me, my sisters hate me. I have no one

  6. I feel like I’ve run out of the ‘inner strength’ that i’ve had. Life, for me, at 65 yo has become too painful for me. I also have noone to answer to – but myself.
    There is noone left to hurt and my responsibilities are gone. The things that have happened just over the past 6 months have shaken me to the core. I’ve had many losses … my brother dying, friends moving away and now I have none, and the thing that grounded me the most – my cat who died unexpectedly just 2 weeks ago. I’m alone and I always felt lucky to have my special cat around during any kind of loss and expected to have several more years with him. I used to seriously say to people – when this cat goes, I’m going with him. I had so much love for him – and vice versa, that now after the shock of losing what I lived for is gone, I live in a state of pain and solitude. The friends I did have here are gone who might have helped me get through this.

    I’ve felt depressed before and had thoughts of suicide, but never had or researched a plan. This week was the first time I’ve ever tried a way to find out how I could die a peaceful death – go to sleep and not wake up. I feel ready. I don’t care to set any record of longevity, my life is just over. I can feel it inside. It’s not impuslive; it’s rational thought. It’s time to check out. Antidepressants don’t take away profound sorrow. I simply don’t want to live anymore. It is a scary thought, but it’s the way I feel. I’m tired of this ache in my heart and feeling like a prisoner in my own skin.

  7. We become more depressed when our expectation ceased or prolong. faith and action may be ill when this happen to us. But the only thing that can help us is how we understand life precedence

  8. Hey!! i dont want any1 to read this… i dont want to see anyone in pain. I really dont know wt i actually want bt every second when i spent on this earth it likes killing. I tried alot to live hpy and overcm this state bt i cnt. when i spend d day it looks like i m cheating and deceiving my friends. i know they dont lv me neither my family do bt if i will commit suicide they will hv a tear i dont want to mk them feel sad. i tried alot to get out from their life bt they r good so i cn nvr.
    i m dying every second i cnt do study my family is nt financially strong. i m nt a cheater neither week bt this is d only way i cn see.
    every second i m hvng suicidal thoughts bt i cnt do it. i want to cry as i m tired to show my fake smiling face. i cnt keep it anymore.

  9. Its been 9 months since my overdose, although I was doing so well, I have just had a hiccup. I am calling it that but it feels devastating and its all about a man, or is it? Who knows, I know earlier on I was not thinking rationally, I stayed alive because people told me to and I couldn’t feel it for myself but slowly life began to have some kind of point. There is hope trust me, its so hard and so terribly painful at times but there is hope. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Im telling myself this right now, hard to believe it but I guess I wasnt as healthy as I thought I was, and I slipped. Im early forties and have two beautiful daughters. I spent two weeks in hospital last year after I lost my will to live and I’ve spent 9 months trying to find it again, I’m not there yet but I need to remember I will get there and so will you. I’m just writing what comes into my head, I have never commented on anything before but one thing I have found that has really helped is finding a way to help other people, even if its just sitting in a rest home holding someones hand.

    • This helped… Thank you

  10. I have decided to end my life after my Dogs pass. I have thought deeply about the subject and came to the realization that if it wasn’t for them I would have already done it. Suicide is not a tradgedy, its a happy ending, no more pain. I tell people all the time what I am going to do, not for effect but rather to let them know that I am happy with my decision. And I don’t want people to feel pitty for me when they should feel good for me because I’m no longer in constant pain, I am just gone forever. It sounds so wonderful.

  11. I’ve been on the medication roller coaster for the majority of 12 years now and I’m so tired of popping the pills day after day like a compliant guinea pig and hoping one day the doctor will find the combination that works for longer than a few months (but even that hasn’t happened in the last few years). Despite the debilitating metal pain and the crying jags that lead to headaches I still find myself unable to do something to help. Everyone is telling me to get out more and be more social but just the thought of being in public makes me scared…I feel so self conscious–just like in high school–and I’ve been out of high school for 7 years, I should be over that self conscious crap by now!! I have done the hospital thing and I know it’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s just money down the drain at this point.
    Considering I’m still under my parents’ insurance, I can’t help but think of what I’ve put them through. Forget the Hydrocephalus–I’ve accepted that but this “invisible” demonic cloud that has caused them so much pain and worry…they don’t deserve this! My little brother doesn’t need to worry about me and how I’m doing. He’s got his own life to live. They should be able to do that and not have to deal with or worry about me.

  12. It is so hard to get up everyday when you find out that everyone in the house is afraid and petrified of you. Trying to be proactive and change whatever behavior is causing others to have that fear doesn’t work….they are still afraid. When you are called unpredictable, inconsistent,a liar, no good, not good enough, arrogant and more on a constant basis, how in the hell does someone work with that? The job I have is the complete opposite of what I am being told at home. And I am being bombarded at home from aLL of the people who live in the house. I am at the point that there is no point in living anymore. Home is supposed to be a safe place and it is no longer that place. Leaving has been met with threats. I just cant take it anymore. I hate my life, and I wish I wasn’t here on this earth anymore. I want to die and have many means to do it. I am at the point of choosing which path the take. It will destroy my mother, but the pain is bigger than God himself.

  13. A few yrs ago diagnosed with mild depression, then I wrecked truck. No problem, repaired. The 1 month later severe wreck (on prescribed tramadol, Xanax and anti-depressant) broke back,but can still walk.Thus hospital bills even with cheap health insurance. RX $$ Then 1 month later totaled truck into tree. depression was deepening. Found out we owed IRS thousands of dollars. Depression and suisidal thoughts began. Only job I could find after leaving other job was Part time deli cook. minimum wage, 27 hrs a (now I want to die)week.Sucidal thoughts begin. I cant afford toilet paper food although I pay my Obamacare health insurance and lightbill(weekly) I am a cutter waiting to hit a artery or something and just slowly go to sleep.

  14. I tried my family doctor and he can see me in a week. I called the hotline but there is no support group in my area. I went to the hospital but they sent me home to call the family doctor. Tonight I wrote my obituary. I told me daughter that she is my greatest pride and joy. I told her dad that ‘he won’ and I told my husband who left me how that crushed me. Finding help is impossible.

  15. For Bartol and anyone else who may be feeling in deep pain or crisis – please try calling the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
    That number is staffed 24 / 7 and they can listen to what’s going on for you – and give you local resources for support groups or Peer to Peer counseling.
    I just spoke and shared my attempt story at the Out of the Darkness walk, and I was so heartbroken to see all the people show up who lost their loved one to suicide.
    Now – I understand, some of you may ‘think’ you are alone, that no one would care if you were gone, or that people would be better off. But if I asked you to really, really think about that – you do have people who would be deeply affected if you took your life.
    I felt incredibly alone and abandoned – my attempt came 3 months after my husband walked out (17 years together) and his family politely exited from my life and were not there to help me through the devastating pain of the end of my marriage.
    But, I have a brother and cousins and an elderly aunt, and a few loyal friends who all really love me even though at the time I was too focused on my own pain.
    Please, please, please – make the call to the national hotline number – they just want to listen and help out any way they can.
    I know the late night can sometimes be the worst, it was for me. And there is someone to talk to at that hour on that hotline.
    I kind of joke that if I ever felt that level of despair again, I would check in to a nurturing and healing spa retreat. It may sound silly, but it would be more healing than the 5150 lockdown where you’re in a cold hospital eating meatloaf and not getting any real treatment of the wounded soul. It would probably be cheaper than the hospital stint, too. Between ambulance rides and such – so please consider that as an alternative – even if you have to max out a credit card. What we need is some soul soothing, massages, lavender baths, calming music, nutricious food, counsel with wise healers, candle light, gentle yoga, detoxing from any crap we’d been using.
    If I could hug each and every one of you who have expressed your pain, I would comfort you with a knowing hug – and let you know ‘this too shall pass’.
    I hope and pray someone reading this will make the decision to call and talk to someone rather than ending their life. Yes, I’ve had bad days since my attempt, but I can’t tell you the number of times the simplest sweet beauty in nature will have me feeling grateful I am still here.
    In support and love –
    Patty

  16. I just finished reading PattyBlue’s post from early this morning. I am the mom of a 30 year old man who is an alcoholic, drug addict, is lonely, depressed and says repeatedly that life hurts too much to go on living. I am responsible for the way he feels because I brought him into this world. Am I selfish because I don’t want him to die? He insists the pain will end but how can we know this? He is in a downward spiral then suddenly because of the nature of his mental illness, all is right with the world. He is on that vicious roller coaster ride of mania and depression with alcohol and weed thrown in. I am at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do.

  17. 5 years ago, I lost my job of 15 years making 80k yearly with full benefits. At the same time my Mother fell ill with alzheimers/dementia and had to be put in a home. 2 years of suffering for her. I spent 4 days weekly going to see her and listen to hear cry because she was afraid of dying in this home. I also haven’t been able to get back into my field of work and have had to take a job that pays me 30k yearly with no benefits. Right after Mom died my father died within 3 months. It is now 5 years since all this happened. At 50 years old I feel my life is over. I live in fear of going bankrupt daily and the stress on my wife worries me also. I think about suicide on a routine basis. I just feel I can’t live with the pain anymore. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my life would end like this. I use to be confident, I use to be happy, I use to have friends, I use to have money, to at least take care of myself. If I can’t do this, I’m afraid it will be the end for me very shortly. I hate life and don’t want to suffer anymore it’s too much to bare.

  18. I’m currently in a relationship he keeps putting me down telling me that I’m not nothing that I can’t support him in the way that he needs to be supported but I do everything I can I sacrifice money take care of the kids wash cook clean. I do everything possible in my power to make him happy but he doesn’t make me happy I’m constantly being cheated on talked down to and I’m doing the best I can. is only so much a person can take and I’ve been contemplating suicide for the last 5 years that I’ve been with him and nothing has changed I’m just hurting everyday but I don’t want to leave my kids and that’s the only thing that’s holding me back from doing it.I’ve been in therapy since I was 13 years old and it’s still not helping his nothing I’m just tired of the world I’m tired of living in pain and I’m just tired.

  19. I highly recommend getting a dog guys. These beautiful animals do wonders. All they are, all the ever will be is love, understanding, compassionate, and incredible listeners!! Plus your thier everything, without you thier life is nothing.
    Needless to say I love my dog x

  20. I stumbled on this after feeling very low for so many times to a point of ending my life.I can relate to a lot of the pain and emptiness everyone feels here.Could it be that God put some of us here on Earth to suffer?Am a Christian and I prayed for something better to happen in my life,but the more I pray and belief,the worse it gets.
    All my relationships never worked,but was successful in getting into a new one as soon as one ended.
    Mostly it was due to financial constraints on my part not being able to provide.When i got married,my wife made a huge mistake of getting pregnant with someone else,her reasons being am always working and never there for her.But i thought i was doing this to save my marriage since all my relationship in the past ended cause of money issues.
    I got involved into gambling to provide more and even quit one job so i can have more time with family.I have a step daughter but i dont have my own baby yet.And that is when suicidal thoughts start building up cause i feel like i have nothing to lose if i end my life but again am afraid to die.
    Well,am still addicted to gambling and all i can say is that,it was the worst move ever,i lost all my savings,borrowed money got into debts and lost it all,got behind all my payments,car payments,two months behind on rent and eventually my wife moved to her mom..
    I still have my job but i feel like am trapped,my job cant pay all this payments,my credit is severely messed up cause of collections,bankruptcy is my option now but i still need a place to stay and make car payments.O.m.g
    My only reason of living is when i see other people going through hell,suffering more than and never wish i was like them.
    All my ‘friends’ that i met at casino all have bad news and or are really doing bad,nobody makes money gambling,its a fact and its a scam..they mark you,trace all your moves with all those cameras and soon or later you will be empty.You only win when you are still new to get you addicted and trapped and now they can take your money,all of it.
    My first question was,did God put some of us on this earth to suffer? I have friends and family who have never experienced this and some of them dont understand me.
    They think i made wrong choices in life.I mean relationship after relationship failing including marriage now down to one job that can’t pay all bills and so much into debt contemplating bankruptcy,something i always avoided to do,and the more i avoid it,the more it becomes the only option.I feel like a slave,just laboring for nothing,going through mental torture,i pray but nothing happens..while my friends and family are doing good.I dont know why i call them friends and family cause i have asked several times for financial support but no one tried to help,just excuses after excuses.But why me,i prayed for this CURSE to leave me ALONE so i xan live my life but it wont go away.

  21. I am 27 year old. Over the years I have pushed myself to endure way more pain than my capacity. I feel like though I survived, I have not managed to be the same person. I can see how emotional scars have changed me, made me a person less hopeful and always scared for various reasons, they continue to kill the things I loved about me.
    It it really worth ensuring, if the pain is changing you into a shell of a person you were?

  22. I have been depressed for a long time, off and on. It isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse, and I feel that quite a bit of that is down to a worsening quality of life – poverty, homesickness, lack of personal agency. I am considering suicide – not today, or tomorrow, but in the same way someone with a terminal illness might choose “death with dignity”. I don’t actually want to die, I want things to get better. However, I have tried hard to change things without success, and just am not willing to quietly accept my situation and be happy in spite of it.

    I am determined that if I choose suicide I will try to do it without shame and secrecy. Why shouldn’t I talk it through with my friends and family in the same way that someone with a terminal illness would? If I am this miserable, year in and year out, why should suicide be such a terrible choice? I really think that our society needs a major shift in its thinking about suicide. When I see the “We must prevent suicide at all cost,” type of rhetoric, I despair. I actually think that this mindset probably drives people who aren’t ready to die to just sneak off and kill themselves, and leaves the friends and families of people who kill themselves in a much worse position than they could have been had there been open and compassionate dialogue about things ahead of time.

  23. I feel guilty for thinking about suicide every day of every week of every month of the past 10 years. 10 years back when I was 14 I had anxiety attacks because I was scared of death and forgetting my beautiful family once I’m dead. Things turned around though. I still have a beautiful family but I just can’t wait to finally have the courage to end my life. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is my 18 year old brother who I love to infinity and back. He’s my backbone and can almost always make me smile. There are other people in this world who are going through way more and still see a reason to live and even manage to be happy and grateful. But I am just tired. I wake up everyday asking myself why I, waste of space, oxygen usage, am still here. I always feel some type of pain, feeling I have no purpose in life. No dreams, no goals! I can’t explain it and I’m ashamed for feeling this way for no apparent reason. Once I feel my brother is fine without me and doesn’t need me any longer, I hope I can finally go and just have peace.

  24. I have had bouts of feeling suicidal for most of my life. Last summer I was hospitalized because I told my therapist I wanted to die. They put me on some meds that I can no longer afford to take. Again, I want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. I hurt too much and I hurt everyone who gets close to me. Not because I want to hurt them but because there is something wrong with me. I hurt. I don’t want this pain to go on forever. I just can’t take it. I am alone and I want some peace.

  25. I don’t know if I’ve been suffering from depression, but I HAVE been having suicidal thoughts – and not just lately.
    I think it mostly derives from feeling like I’m such a burden to everyone around me, and that if I wasn’t here, everyone else would be able to live much more happily.
    It’s really frustrating though, having such thoughts contiguously and not being able to act on them. I keep feeling like a coward for not being able to cut myself or run in front of a speeding bus or jump into some well.
    Everyone says people who suicide are cowards, taking the easy way out…but for me, being able to take your own life is like an act of bravery because you have to be strong enough to plunge a knife into your skin or pull the trigger of a gun or force your legs to jump off a cliff. I try, but there’s always something that holds me back and prevents me from killing myself.
    Thanks for giving me an opportunity to get this out.

  26. Thank you for leaving the comments open and not censoring them. I appreciate the candid posts of people who are ltelling it like it is. I’ve related to so many of the posts. I’m 51 and have been suicidally depressed from as early as probably my 20s. I’m not prone to addictions, I take medication (theoritically, it works). Tonight I took my dog out for a long walk in the snow and stood in the middle of a schoolyard just wishing something would end my life so that it doesn’t have to be of my own doing. Effectively, I have no one. My parents died and I miss them. I have no one that I care about and the ones I have cared about have abandoned me because there is either something wrong with me or wrong with them…or both. I’m damaged. I was beaten as a child, molested, and eventually raped as an adult. I’m probably not normal even though people tend to like me. I can’t maintain a relationship…or I pick the wrong ones. Enough. No more.

    Like most of you, I often wish I won’t wake up. I have dreams of death and happiness. I know people with cancer and I often wish I could give them the extra days on the planet and I will happily take their fate. I am the walking dead at work which often draws contempt because I’m sure that I probably just give off an annoying vibe–I’m just trying to survive and I’m often late to work and have lately even been not able to get to work–I’ve been able to concoct excuses.

    I’ve told HR and my boss that I’m suicidally depressed, but I’m also able to do pretty impressive computer things, so I think they grudgingly give me some slack, I think. That may come to an end and I’ll lose my job. It feels like I’m going to lose my job soon. I cannot ask anybody for help–especially from my family. I would go to a homeless shelter first. I wish I could live among animals and be their caregiver and do computer work on the side. That is my go-to, last-ditch plan in a what-do-you-have-to-lose? way. Do that before I try to find the courage to end my own life.

    Today, I wrote a piece called, “All that’s left to do is to pull the trigger.” There are a couple people who will ‘sort of’ care, but mostly in a “Oh, I know someone who took their life” sort of way. They;ll care more when I’m gone than they actually do that I’m alive…or they won’t. I have secured a home for my dog should anything ‘happen’ to me. I have a life insurance policy and want to write a will this weekend to designate a good portion of it to go to the people who are happy to take my dog.

    I lack the courage to go through with this. I’ve been thinking of various methods. Will it work? Where do I go afterward? I have known people who have taken their lives and I understand why. And, I think that if I’m capable of compassion, then if there is such thing as “God” (I’m agnostic), then he/she/it/they is/are capable of being equally as compassionate as I. I dreamed a few nights ago that I was talking to my deceased mother and telling her my thoughts. She said, “Well, you won’t be there that much longer.” I woke up with the thought that, I suppose this is true. I cannot believe I am 51. Time doesn’t go backward and, obviously, my life is more than half over. It’s going very slowly and very painfully, however. My aunt is 91 and I envy that her end is near. I’m scared that I could live that long. She’s a millionaire. No problem. I won’t have the same comfort if I live that long.

    I thought about calling the national hotline tonight and, as other have expressed, I know directly from others’ experiences where that leads and I am not going. I don’t need emergency vehicles showing up at my home on a freezing winter night and nobody to take care of my dog. I’ve had the ‘fun’ of being truthful with a therapist who demanded to know if I was ‘functioning.’ I said, “no.” She got practically shrill and asked me if she would like to have me hospitalized…instantly I managed to put on my, “Hmm…I think I’m probably actually ok.”

    Thank you to the person who said this should be able to be discussed openly instead of being made to feel that you’ve got to hide it or else things will get worse than actually dying. Another thing, I’m afraid of joy because I also fear it won’t last. All I can trust are animals.

    I want to die, but I will first try pursuing a way to find a paying job with being surrounded by animals. This doesn’t pay. I hate living in comparative poverty and I hate that there is suffering in this messed up world. Let me off. For real.

    • Hannah, please consider talking to a therapist about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your experiences rang bells for me while I was reading your blog (or whatever you call it – Im a bit behind on computer speak). Ive been diagnosed with CPTSD – the result of a traumatic childhood. The diagnosis explained so much for me amd was a comfort in a bizarre way. Now I undetstand why I want to hurt myself, why I feel like an alien amongst the
      humans, why I isolate myself from others and why I have suicide as a escape hatch alway
      s in the back of my mind. Ive discovered that a person who has been traumatised often
      experiences life as traumatic even after the original traumatising events have long past.

      I often feel completely alone in this world, that noone cares or loves me. My therapist is helpi
      ng me understand that its not that noone cares,
      its my inability to feel loved or accept love as a result of childhood trauma. Its like trauma inserts a self-destruct button in you and until you can excise it you go on suffering.

      Please try not to feell alone. Your blog really spoke to me and I may be across the other side of the world but I will be thinking of you.

  27. It after 10 pm on new years eve 2015. I have battled this disease called depression with suicide ideation for over 16 years. I’m tired. So much loss and pain that life have become unbearable. Each bout of depression has become more and more debilitating. I am contemplating purchasing a gun….not to do harm to anyone else but to simply end this miserable life of mine. I have tried countless medications and various therapeutic methods…even the holistic route. Nothing has worked and now I am angry at God for allowing this stronghold on against my life. I hope that a miracle happens before the new year…that I will not awaken anymore once I drift off to sleep.

  28. I am a pretty sucessful person. I have a good job and things like a house and stuff. I am currently also going to school. But I just want out. I am so done. I am in a relationship that is draining me, but I can’t leave. My SO won’t let me. I divorced him, tired to make him move out, but I cannot escape him. He will never let me leave. I have tried to just be happy and accept my situation. The day to day is not compeltley awful, but I can’t imagine going on like this forever. I hyper focus all of my attention to my work, to school, to my art but I am dying inside everyday and it is starting to catch up to me. I should be cleaning right now but instead I am on the internet reading about suicide and how to get a trust set up for my pets. As long as I know they will be taken care of and he won’t get a dime out of my estate I am ready to leave. I have told him how miserable I am, and he tells me that he loves me and that everything can be worked out. I am trapped, I hate my life, I just want to disappear.

  29. my wife is dieing of brain cancer and i worry how i will deal with the pain of her dieing.I am worried that my body cant deal with that amount of pain and i dont know what will happen.I feel like i will die along with her.Ifeel like i wont be able to even move my body or think normal and i dont know how to deal with this.

  30. I have ASD and the Criminal Justice System is too much for me to handle. I feel i have been attacked by the system for years but I have recently learnt it was my problem filling in forms and interacting with the system. . I feel my life was in danger by continued stopping of benafits and i thought the system and developed self destructive behaviour. I have now run into a big problem with law enforcement and i am scared i will be tortured to death. I think i may have some kind of delusional disorder by being beat up by the police twice for acting autistic. I will be in limbo for the next year where i cant eat more than 500 calories in a day. I want to neutralise myself but it would do too much damage to someone i care about. It

  31. Wish it all ends!!!! It is a curse to not have the courage to take the final step and yet no meaning in living this life.

  32. Anyone that is reading this, please get yourself some help. Suicide is an awful, awful thing. I used to be on the very brink of suicide, but I survived through speaking up to someone I cared about in the middle of emotional chaos. I have been able to accept my depression and recover from it since, and it is important to note that once I recovered, it was hard to comprehend the lack of reality that there was In the reasons I thought suicide was an option. You will always have SOMEONE you can tell. You can’t cause the terrible destruction to your own life and the life of the persons you love. Just remember that there are always people who understand and sympathise with what you are going through.

  33. I have tried to talk to my mom about different things but she just doesn’t listen, we moved from America to Cape Town, South Africa for 11 months-4 years. We have been before, but this time it’s different knowing that I won’t be back for awhile. We have only been here 3 weeks, I already miss my friends and family we left behind and I feel like nobody cares anymore. My sister is dead to me, my brother is a dick to me and my mom just doesn’t understand. Even in the states I was being bullied because of my acne even by my own family at times. I feel used, useless, worthless, and like there is no way out. I just want the pain to stop, I have no way out. My mom has threatened to send me back to the states, while I get to see my friends it is back to square one and the people who ridiculed me. I would still feel the same because I would be away from my family here. It is weird I don’t like what my brother and sister do to me, but I love them and I wouldn’t necessarily want to be away from them for so long. Don’t bother on trying to email me because this isn’t my email. I would just be wasting your time, let me be and I will figure this out some way somehow. Goodbye

  34. Frankly, for some people, there is NO way out. They don’t just “think” that, they know it for a fact. It’s incredibly offensive when people with easy lives tell them how much there is to live for. Easy to say from a comfortable life, and extremely rude, inconsiderate and patronizing.

  35. I have been fighting my (many) mental illnesses for years. I take antipsycotics for Scitzophrenia, OCD, ADD, Slight touretts and anxiety. I cannot sleep without my pills. I took my pills for the first time in nearly a week and I am on the verge of ending my own life. The thought of others reactions to my death makes me cry but this pain is so strong. I don’t wanna be crazy, I don’t wanna question my sexual orientation and sexuality everyday. I want to live with a healthy family, I want to know someone loves me and everything will be alright. I am so close to edning my own life and it’s actually scaring me to death. It may be to late to save me but it’s not to late to save yourself.

  36. Grrrrrr…. Life sucks!

  37. Right now I do not see anyway out, every door I try to open in my life is closeing nothing seems to work and I have huge debts, I can see what could happen to solve my problem but the problem is the doors are closing quickly, I certainly do not want to die I’m a very positive person but I do not have anyone to help me. I trying to doing everything my self what is so mysterifying, is every other part of my life is just so good in the part of my life my family physical and spiritual is just going gangbusters great!! but my financial is just really seriously bad.

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS chance TO TALK ABOUT IT

  38. Do any of these people get helped?

  39. I feel a profound need to comment here. I have come through deep depression and 2 suicide attempts and I am here to tell you that there is life and more importantly PEACE on the other side. I was blessed to find a good doctor, who prescribed the proper medication, and a good therapist who gave me tools to manage and cope with my pain . I also reconnected with my God. My faith is very important to me. This wonderful new life has only come about in the last 10 years and I’ll never go back to that old life. All I can say is fight for it,search for it, make it your new purpose -your new life is out there, there are people EVERYWHERE who want to help each and every one of you with your particular problem. I promise. Look for them!
    The reason I came to this website today is because I was just diagnosed with a bad shoulder injury that will take surgery and the rest of this year to recover. I’m only 60 and this is really going to change my life. I’m questioning my mental strength – if it’s going to be strong enough to get through this. Well, I guess it’s time to call on my support group, starting with a therapist to get my thinking straight. Then let my friends and family know how I’m feeling and let them know that there might be some bad days and how to cope.
    Thanks for letting me talk. God bless each of you, I hope you’re all still with us.

  40. I’m not scared to die. It’s a comforting thought. I don’t want to be here or there or anywhere. I have a loving supportive husband, 4 amazing kids and the career of my dreams, but I just don’t care anymore. I haven’t for a long time, I’m not sure I ever did. I have no logical reason to want to die. No addictions, no trouble with the law, I make good money, I’m not in any physical pain, I just don’t want to BE. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of ways to end it all.
    I daydream of dying. I try to come up with ways of ending my life that will have the least amount of impact. How I could do it without having my husband or my children find me or destroying them forever.
    I’m a selfish person. I care only about myself and my needs.
    I’m still alive only because I haven’t found the solution yet. Until then I will muddle through life with a soulless smile on my face and be the funny happy person everyone thinks I am.

  41. I am in soo much pain my husband of 22 yrs. Left with another woman then zi.remarried a man who is a drug addict who believes it is ok to hot men whenever he wants, Ifeel innnnnn love with another man who thinks of as a friend who just uses me for I !!!!but I Love him so much I can not go on So how do I kill yrlf HD

  42. When you said that “Depression thinking just isn’t straight” were you bearing in mind the research that suggests that those who are depressed are better able to accurately predict their exam results than those who see the world through rose-tinted glasses? We seem to want to change people rather than change the increasingly toxic environment they live in. Why? Because that same toxic environment is also beneficial for those who have the power to change it. Another article I have just read suggests that rats, genetically modified for non-depression will develop depression of they are physically restrained (i.e. helpless & powerless & hopeless) for no more than 2hrs per day for 2 weeks. You are fortunate that you have never experienced a life situation that you are unable to control or change ( and they DO exhist). You are also fortunate that your parents were “good enough” when teaching you how to cope with life circumstances and the fact that most of the world doesn’t care much what happens to you. You should also be aware that the staff in most A&E dept’s are NOT trained to help, don’t have the time or the financial resources to help, and actually feel and demonstrate outright hatred for those who have attempted suicide. I spent 4 hours unattended in a cubicle (no staff talked to me, let alone assessed me or sought to treat me) and was then passed to a Ward bedside where I was left sitting without any human contact and no water to drink, despite asking for this. No nurse, no doctor, no Psychiatrist came anywhere near me. 4 hrs later I was so cold & thirsty that I walked out – no concern from anyone. This was the first and last time I will seek help from the NHS when I feel actively suicidal again. Also, I asked a Psychologist (at our first session) if we could talk about why I was feeling so strongly suicidal and he said he wouldn’t talk about it as it was really selfish of me to burden him with this kind of thing. He kept his word and refused to help in any way – what do we pay them for? I stopped seeing him. He is a career Psychology manager and not a caring professional in any way. Why should we selfish ill people think about how our death will impact our “loved ones” when those same loved ones do absolutely nothing to notice our pain, let alone do anything to help. Their sadness after our death is nothing but the need to be seen to be caring individuals to the rest of their social circle (“I’m a good person, so they must be selfish”). Control, influence, efficacy & autonomy are nothing but illusions (or delusions) that allow us to feel safe in a world that is, quite frankly, not.

    • Wow. I’m actually speechless…. I’ve never, ever heard anyone who can encapsulate my experience of mental illness so articulately. I came across this site because I’m having a “flare up” of my depression, but this time I can’t stop the pain. I can hardly move and spend a lot of time resting on the floor when my body feels like gravity is crushing me. I dont understand why we are treated like scum. I used to work as a psychologist, and I can’t understand the cold hearts that are in the field.

  43. I have anxiety and depression, been hospitalised a couple of times. This week has been horrific everything that was going so well has broke into pieces all future possibilities, even today everything has gone wrong it’s almost like I’m cursed. I’ve been studying psychotherapy for about a year, I sometimes wonder if some unconscious part of me doesn’t want to get rid of all my depression. Its almost like the more of my buttons that gets pressed the more satisfying , the more easy it is to….it’s almost like its like that for a purpose. I was just googling to see if this was anywhere on the web and found this.

  44. I became depressed 2 years after my release from prison. I hit the world full force and climbed life very quickly. I immediately got back together with my ex of 7 years whom I am still with.

    January 2015 I started and ran my own trucking company and with bad weather and very little clients my business struggled. My Fiance got a job and began working 80 hours for 6 months.

    We are now current with me.

    I became depressed from a lack of work at the start. I then began to reflect like never before and resurfaced the heavy physical abuse and sexual abuse as a child. This is where I became more sad. But now, all of this behavior has pushed the love of my life from me and what was once a truly beautiful, healthy relationship has turned into trouble for her and large hurt for me.

    She now has been physically distant. I have not had a full embrace from her in weeks. Sex is almost forced it seems. She’s not interested and if I don’t look or try to engage with her she will spend every last moment with me on her phone or communicate with others while I sit there, silent. This has me in a state far worse than I’ve ever felt. Everyday feels like she slips further. And what’s worse is every time I want to tell her she says she doesn’t have time for this. To stop feeling and get sold of myself. To get going because life is not waiting and she cannot either. It makes it worse and worse. I have no one to turn to and every night she sleeps quietly while I cry and lay on the floor of the closet before she can notice.

    I’ve always been a very strong man with strong character and I honestly believe this is why she is freaking out. But I’m hurting so bad , I don’t want to feel this. At this rate she will become so cold as I slip deeper into the pain. I told her I just need her love and support but she says she can’t. She can’t let me affect her anymore.

    She’s cried for Toy Story 3, Finding Nemo,almost every Rick and Morty episode. But when she told me she pushed away so far. No tears. When she told me “you need me, I don’t need you” no tears. As a matter a fact I broke down so hard I had to hide my face and she walked away.

    Here I am for the first time in my life, admitting my pain. Looking for a way to normality even thought I can’t get out of bed, and if I do, I can’t get out of my house, and if I do I can’t even get out of the car. And if I do I end up leaving right away and race home to sit in the dark until she arrives from work to be annoyed by me and my weakness.

  45. Yes, it can be too painful to endure. When depression becomes very severe all I do is breathe and then take another breath. When the pain becomes too much, I slice into my legs with razor blades. This provides temporary relief. I am not ashamed. Pain changed me. I could only distract from it for so long. Suicide is the natural response to unending emotional agony. Perhaps some people are naturally stronger and others not – but humans are not made to endure extraordinary emotional pain forever. Sadly – suicide will continue until we find a cure for the worst pain of depression.

  46. I am delighted to have been blessed with DAB. Depression, Anxiety, And Bipolor. When my meds get a little off my whole world goes awry. My family is happy to tell me they don’t know how to help because they don’t get me or my affliction. That makes me just want to go isolate ans cry harder. My therapist hits me with “that close of talking is not professional”. Explaining as a friend would what the hell is happening to me is not professional? Sometimes that’s how we can understand. I understood them individually, but a week ago when the triplets hit all at once I thought I was dying and unless your suicidal the hospital won’t help you either. It’s not Mental Help it’s Mental Invisability….

  47. After finding out about my husband (still) cheating on me and having my kids at his “mistresses” house with him. He made them promise to not tell me, I don’t know if I can live anymore…. It just hurts to even wake up at times. I have no friends or really anyone to talk to…. IDK what to do anymore, I want to die so much – but I’m too scared to do anything.

    • Hi,

      I just want to tell you that I was suicidal, and attempted, for the second time, in December. I am still suicidal in the way that I have given-up hope, and even though I know I will never, EVER try it again, it doesn’t help the feeling. I understand that very well.

      My husband cheated on me numerous times. I only found-out last year, and we stayed together, and I think that induced more delayed trauma and emotional upset than I ever thought would. My husband and I broke-up after nearly 12 years together, but you need to know, that #1, you have to think of yourself FIRST. You are putting yourself down by staying with him. He is counting on his happiness as the priority. He could care less about your feelings. So, please, please, and know that I am giving you the best advice here in-truth: Leave him. If you have a job or enough money, get your own apartment and your own space. Second, get a custody arrangement together. Be the first one to hire a family lawyer, and make sure they are the best (only the very best reviews as well). Do what You need to do to make Your life better. Better for you, and better for your kids.

      • By the way, know, that when you die, there can be Nothing. No one actually knows what happens when we die. Remember this: Death is uncertain. Life is.

  48. It’s almost been a year of solid depression. My ex fiancĂ© was the only reason I even bothered with living. She was my entire world. I quit opiates for this girl, and I was clean for over three years. We are both in our early twenties. I enjoyed my life as a cook, but I made no money. So we could have a future I gave up cooking to become an electrician. When I started my new occupation I hated it. I still fucking hate it. I loved her so much, and once I started making money she said I was selfish. She had told me she was pregnant, and got an abortion so no part of me would be in her life when we broke up. For three months I couldn’t sleep. I only ate when hunger drove me to near psychosis sometimes between periods of two to three days. It took my family stopping multiple suicide attempts, and even locking away all the cutlery, and razors. I was finally put on stronger medication.

    I’ve been able to live relatively sane for the past six months, but I see little point in it. I still rely on my job for money. My “friends” who I reconnected with keep going on drug binges like we use too before I met my ex. I’ve been trying to date, and move on. Maybe find someone who I can keep fighting back this monotonous cycle of depression for. However, I’ve struck out completely the one girl even said she was embarrassed at the thought of being with me. I guess everyone sees I’m a waste of breath, and time. My family loves me, but my grandma is very ill. I only feel like a burden to her deteriorating health, and my uncle seems to use me as a unfavorable comparison to make himself feel good. My grandfather died when I was in my teens, and my mother was an abusive addict who I lived with for a decent bit of my childhood. I’ve always suffered from severe chronic depression for most of my life. I had survived my first attempt at age 11 when the belt I used to hang myself with broke. I so badly want a gun just to finally end it, but the thought of my grandma having to identify my mutilated corpse keeps me out of the sporting goods store away from the 12 gauge shotguns, and slugs. I wish life would pan out for me just once! I just want to be normal so I can have a family, and work to make them happy. It just seems that will never happen. I need a way out. Drug cocktails never fucking work I just want to go quietly.

    • I tried to kill myself twice, had an emotionally abusive childhood, and recently split with my husband of 12 years. No children. I’ve been depressed since I was 6, and think if I would have known of ‘suicide’ or something like it, I probably would have tried it too. We can’t help what has happened to us in the past. I am glad that you’re free of your ex. She sounds toxic and cruel. My husband went out with a girl after I tried committing suicide. Don’t ever attempt it again, because there is nothing on the other side. No consciousness, no You. That’s not comforting, because you aren’t there to live and breathe, hear the birds, actually enjoy those things in life you really do!!

      Think of your grandma. Think of yourself. Be on your own, make new (different) friends, get rid of your old friends. They are not your real friends. Also, a bad influence! Look into what you want to do as a career. Are there things about being an electrician that you like? Is it the company/ environment that’s the problem? Think of why you got into it in the first place. If you like being in a trade, look at the other trades, and see if there’s something you like better. Carpentry, plumbing? I don’t know if they offer this where you are, but where I am, the gov’t or college offers a course/ program where you can try out all the different trades. Perhaps there is something you can do/ learn after-hours, at night, after work.

      Keep your head-up, and don’t ever forget that you are special, and different, and you need to be proud of yourself.

      Also, stay away from influences that harm you. If that means family, don’t see them as much, but don’t cut yourself off. Just change the people you associate with, to keep you healthy and Not depressed. Put some purpose to your life.

      • – And when I say purpose, I mean, giving yourself a project or goal that is all your own.

  49. I read all these stories of heartache, money loss, abuse, etc and I think my worries are so petty, but I feel lost and out of control. I feel my life is in a downward spiral and I can’t get a grip. ..yet my sadness seems so petty compared to everyone else’s problems. If that is the case why do I feel so hopeless…my life and worries don’t sum up to their’s yet I feel the same worthlessness….

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