What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out. …

386 Comments to
Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

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  1. “A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.”

    I’m 32, and it still surprises me when I read something like this and realize that what I’m feeling is so common and that there are millions around the world who feel the same. [Makes me wonder if people 15,000 years ago thought about a similar thing.] It’s not that my thoughts lead to “killing” myself so much as hurting myself enough that I don’t have to go to work anymore or that if I was in the hospital that someone would finally notice the pain I’m in and give me help. Therapy and medication helps me to not *act* on the thoughts of driving off a bridge. I sometimes wish that these “harmful” thoughts and acts were taken as seriously as suicide attempts.

    Thanks for the article.

    • Laura
      What meds do you take ? I need something ASAP . I don’t think I will around next week unless I get something FAST !!!!!! Life hurts WAY TO MUCH. All’s I think about is blowing my brains out. Just trying to decide which weapon to use to eliminate myself. God I want to die !!!

      • PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS. I encourage anyone with untreatable depression to research these mushrooms. Depressed people have an over active anterior cingulate cortex and ‘default mode networks’, which causes the unbearable hell of rumination, the feeling of being trapped, confused, lost, worthless, inadequate. Psilocybin appears to block activity in these areas.

      • I’d like to share my experiences with psilocybin mushrooms. For me, mushrooms immediately cut a big door in the black box hell of depression and anxiety. Unlike other drugs I’ve tried, this medicine didn’t feel like it was masking my depression; it felt like I had finally woken up after years of being a zombie- the living dead. It was razor sharp clarity, deep understanding, acceptance. I could finally feel love again- and mirth. I saw my past and future and how I had ended up where I was, and I was able to forgive myself. I still struggle with depression, but mushrooms have made it bearable. They took the meaninglessness out of life.

        A warning: this is very powerful medicine, not for everyone- and also illegal. During one session with the mushroom I had a panic attack and felt like I was dying. I learned a lot, but it was very unpleasant.

        One doctor recommended very small doses a couple times a week as a possible treatment for depression. Small amounts of mushroom may alleviate the excessive rumination and fog, while allowing you to function normally and go about your day. It will be interesting to see what future research discovers as legal barriers are lifted. I highly recommend visiting MAPS- Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies website for more information on alternative treatments for depression.

      • How are you now?

      • I have used the mushrooms in my past…first i should say that i rarely have done drugs, only have wine with good food. So i am not addict nor look for drugs to alter my emotions.
        Worse part about the mushrooms that i think might actually push someone over the edge is when you come down off them….it is extremely depressing.
        I was not depressed when i used them but to this day, i can recall how depressed i felt coming off and having felt severely depressed to int of suicidal that might worry me…push me over the edge or someone else.
        Yes, on them is very magical but once the magic wears off…it is more depressing than how you felt before you started.
        My dogs saved me from ending my life plus i thought about the few people i do know who loved me…that they feel sad for me not reaching out to them.
        I just could not reach out and when i did kind of try…they just did not get it.
        Where my dogs, loved me clearly, they had to be walked daily or i put their needs high on my list over my own ..once out walking in nature it did improve my well being.
        On very bad days i would take them out 3 or 4 times a day…but at least it saved me…plus i thought who would take care of my dogs if i died…and that stopped me.
        They all died within a year this year…and i am so sad now with out them. THey literally saved my life.

    • It is one of the most precarious emotional platform that you find yourself on. You may have felt or are feeling that these emotions are obvious to others – but find little or no reaction reaching out to you or ensuring you are getting support. These types of feelings are soooo real and sooo clear and get stronger everyday that passes by. Every day you probably finding those thoughts more common and clear – a slowish process but the dark thoughts are escalating. What I found is it was on my mind more and more then my thoughts gave it validity and I was noticing how frequent I gave those thoughts a voice and spoke out loud to myself. It was like all this was building up leaving me giving myself permission to succumb to these negative thoughts.
      Then a crisis would pop up – what was easy to deal with before left me in a panic trying to figure out what to do. It kneecapped me and I found I couldn’t fight for myself anymore. I am alone and have no family that supports or even understands these feelings or grants me the rights to my own feelings.
      Let me know if I can be here for you.

      • You are absolutely right. Verbalizing thoughts of suicide has been my attempt to give myself permission to end my life. It normalizes what is abnormal to make it part of my everyday thought process. Thank you.

      • I find myself in a similar situation as what has been mentioned. ..52 yr old, intelligent, but have made not so intelligent decisions personally, financially. .etc ,poor relationships with my family, some people feel they can walk all over me one day, and then no memory of it the next! I guess i have always been overly sensitive…has heightened since the loss of my mother. I have gotten through this latest period of my life with the grace of God đź‘Ľ i just wish i could rely more on my faith to have faith

    • I know I’m not alone. I don’t even know if suicide is even yet the decision I want. I’m angry at all the posts saying how selfish it is. How selfish is it for all the “healthy” people to want someone to live in emotional and physical pain all the time. Right now I’m too afraid of death, it scares me horribly. I don’t look forward to anything. I have physical pain 24-7. I am never ok. Death is the only other choice I have, so it’s hard to ignore it. Doctors have ignored my pleading for help. Multiple doctors for pain, and depression. Because I am able to express myself in an educated manner, they see that as a sign of strength. No one understands the pain of living. It never stops.

      • You are so right…during the business day, i conduct myself accordingly,but get home, and i am a basket case. I feel like my pain is like a cancer, and is growing. With no treatment available. .sure there are drugs but they are only bandaids. People can be so hurtful, intended & unintended. ..then they say Oh if i only knew

    • I failed at my first suicide attempt. I woke up in a&e groggy and confused after overdosing on mirap and olanzipine.I feel that life for me is not worth living. I am sick of the mental noise and just want out. The only reason I havent tried again- is the guilt of leaving my boys behind. I do not see myself as having a purpose. I know they would be better off without me. I would have taken tablets on friday or saturday night if i had access to them. This time though I would not have told people what I did. I want this anguish to end. Help! I am doing all I can to fight the bad feelings but the thoughts have become stronger and are winning. Its 24/7.

    • Laura, I honestly appreciate the way you expressed that. I have been feeling the same way lately, and I know I’m a minor, so it’s “normal” for kids to feel stressed, but this feeling is so much more than stress. I’ve had the desire to cut again (I went through that a year ago), and I’ve had the desire to just see my own blood spill. The only reason I haven’t is because people would just look at me like I’m stupid. I want to be noticed, and I want someone to help me out of this dark place. But it’s a dark place I’m familiar with, since my childhood was bleak and empty of joy. Nothing severe happened to me, but I still have trouble seeing any good in life.

      So thank you for sharing, and showing me that I’m not alone in this. It does feel nice to know that there are others that go through this too, and while it might not be healthy, it’s also showing that other people have the strength to keep going, from what I’ve read here. -Mariah

  2. Laura,

    I think about that too, what people did thousands of years ago. Surely over time, I think many people have thought about suicide as an escape rather than a final end. But still, many people act on these thoughts. And absolutely, those thoughts are worth taking seriously. Even if you don’t want to really end it, there’s something real and painful going on.

    It probably is more common than we might think. These kinds of things always seem to be more common than we think. Wanting someone to give a darn about you by stepping out and taking action. Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself, and sometimes it’s good to hear a “you’re not alone” kind of message.

    Take care and thanks for your comment.

  3. I’m giving myself another 3 years. I’m not suicidal the way I used to be when suicidal ideation was omnipresent and OCD-like in my thoughts. But I’m here now because doctors convinced me that it would screw up my kids if I killed myself while they were young. In 3 years, my youngest child graduates from high school, and that’s when I will finally leave. No more being a single mother, without friends, working 60 to 70 hours a week to make ends meet.

    • Jude;

      I understand. My husband took his life at 42. He had ocd suicide thoughts his whole life. He left a 9yr old boy, who has been severely affected, and many others have been hit with an emotional tsunami of pain unlike any pain you could know. This pain has devastated me. I loved him beyond measure. We had a good life. Nothing was as bad as he felt it was. He would not let the doctors know what was truly going on. I believe, like you, he had a plan and it was “time”. It is a selfish act. I beg you to reach out for a thread of purpose and hope. It’s often said that children of parents that commit suicide, will do the same. Is this the legacy that you wish to leave your children? I pray that you will survive and I’m sorry your pain is so great.

      • I am appalled at the use of the word, “selfish” to describe the act of suicide. I am so sick of suicide being characterized like that. What I find selfish is the people who want others to continue living with their pain. That is selfish because those who want others to keep living when their pain exceeds their ability to cope have no empathy or feelings for others.

        Not everyone leads a charmed life and sometimes death is a much better place. When someone with cancer dies we understand, but if someone with mental illness dies, we consider it a choice. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. Mental illness is NOT a choice!

        I am so sick of being mentally ill and not being able to keep my friends, have any meaningful relationships with anyone, or keep working. I can’t cope with the demands of life anymore and it just seems to worthless to keep living. I don’t enjoy anything and I just expect people to hurt me. I am lonely, empty, and depressed almost all the time. I can’t eat, sleep is a constant struggle because the feelings of suicide torment me, and all I want to do is hide under the covers in a dark apartment and cry. I feel like I am not worthy of anybody’s time and that I am just a burden on everyone else.

        Now, if you can explain to me how this is a choice and that I can stop it anymore than someone who can stop cancer, I would gladly listen. I am so sick of this.

      • Empty hyas a point. People like you talk about the selfishness of suicide, but you ignore the endless selfisheness of the supposedly well adjusted people who are making life unendurable for others.

        You want to eliminate suicide? Start dumping your self-rghteousness on the people who are doing the real damage.

      • Empty — I so agree with what you said,
        In my case there isn’t anyone at all to feel “devastated” by my death. Also, the house I live in could be sold and be used for charity — what’s ‘selfish’ about that?
        I often think of choosing some poor person living in a slum in Calcutta, and leaving it all to them. They’d really appreciate it.

      • I realize that it’s near impossible to describe how you feel when a loved one has committed suicide, and the only word to grasp at is selfish, but this view is of the outside looking in. I have had several suicides in my family as well as a friend. I also have stared at death in the eyes as I spiraled deeper and deeper into a bleak, hopeless depression. The kind where you hurt all over from it and where your vision dims, casting a shadow over your existence. You can’t get away from it sucking the life out of you – no matter whatever you try or how long you sleep. I’ve felt as if there were no future and I had no way to really communicate how I really felt. I survived. It was the most difficult battle to ever face and then for me to push back from. I went into the hospital when I could take no more. I had seen the pain and the blame of those who had been left behind after a loved one kills themselves. For as much as I thought my family would be better off without my suffering, I knew too well the hell that they would face. Bit by bit I crawled out of that hole, thanks in part to medicine for my bipolar and partially to therapy,but mostly by me fighting to survive. Fourteen years later I’m still surviving. Yes, there is always a hint of depression, that gut-wrenching fear of going back to that dark time. But I survived. My life hasn’t been all that wonderful at times since then. I’ve gone through a divorce, being fired from a good job, and ending up on disability with a painful back injury. But I survived the depression, and I survived the rough times. And now, life is getting better; I’ve been working on myself without a toxic marriage to hold me down and I’ve found love in spite of not looking for it. I offer no advice, but I just hold out my story to those going through the same. It’s your choice, but I’ve found that life has been a really good choice for me.

    • One lady on here said that she will give herself 3 more years. For the very same reasons that she gives herself 3 more years, I give myself 1 more year. That’s when my youngest graduates and goes off to live his own life. It hurts to much to be here.

    • I used to give myself time limits, then something else happens, your grown child has a child. I have had 20 hospital stays and 16 suiside attempts one was extextremely close. I have had suicidal thoughts since a small child. It doesn’t matter what is going on in my life. As soon as you think you have it all figured out, you think you have worked through all of your pain. It comes back. I have a Dr appt. today.its time to lay it on the line again. I went to support groups but that gets old. I beleive people don’t want to hear about the same thing week after week. I quit taking my meds about 4 days ago. At least if you give yourself a date you are giving life one more chance. Good luck and hopefully you will have another chance.

  4. Our 20 year old son died by suicide. He had a new car, a good job, two days before had been accepted to the four year college he had worked two years to get into, had a great girlfriend we all loved… And yet, the “pain” became more than he could bear… HE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT HE HAD EXPERIENCED ONE OUNCE OF PAIN!!!! The pain he left us is a thousand fold more and nearly indescrible to live with… Suicide – Hell no – I would never hurt anyone that much – the pain never ends it multiplies, and multiplies, and multiplies to infinity…
    Caleb – we miss you and love you regardless.

    • Wendy,
      I am not sure if anyone else has responded to you. Often when someone who is suicidal and/or depressed does not want to tell anyone, especially their family. It may make them feel like they are only imposing on their lives and burdening them with having such a terrible child. They may feel like you deserve better. Or that they wouldn’t be loved if they were suicidal. Your child was not trying to hurt you, even if he did. He might have thought that the pain that would come from him killing himself would be less than the accumulated pain that he would cause you for the rest of his/your life. I understand that dealing with suicide is very difficult for everyone involved. Without trying, you may be dipping into victim-blaming. You know that he loves you, and that you love him. Most likely he was only trying to keep from hurting you even more.

  5. Jude,

    Even though I don’t know you, it pains me so much to hear the utter defeat in your voice. I know you hurt, but please bear with me while I tell a story.

    There was a man who was an alcoholic. His wife tolerated it for many years, but for the sake of the children (and her own) she left him. He failed financially and hit bottom. Instead of hitting bottom and deciding to change his life for the better, he shot himself in the heart while his landlord stood on the front porch waiting for the rent that would never come. That occurred 15 minutes after he had told his younger son (11 years old) he would return his phone call in a few minutes. The older son (20 years old) came upon the scene with firetrucks, police, and an ambulance. The ex-wife was not far behind, having been telephoned that there was trouble. Jumping out of her car, the mother tried to run to her son. The police tried to hold her back. She demanded to see her son and be told what was happening. The police said, “It’s Frank, he’s been shot. He’s gone.” The mother, not understanding, said, “Where has he gone, the hospital?” The policeman said, “No, ma’am. He’s dead.” The piercing scream that came out of her son as he overhead that his father was dead will never leave her mind. Nor with the look in her youngest child’s eyes as she told him his father was dead. He said, “No, momma, you’re joking.” When she told him she wasn’t, he too, issued a scream that pierced her heart.

    Jude, your children can be 11 or 20, the pain of a parent committing suicide is the same-overwhelming and unbearable at times. The older son actually is taking it worse than the younger son. It’s been two years and they are still grieving.

    Jude, I too am a single mother with very few friends. But I know I’m important. I’m important to my children, no matter their age. Please reconsider. The suicide of a parent makes the child feel as though that parent didn’t love him. I know you are a good mom, you did not want to harm your children while they are young. Remember, you are important.

  6. If the setback is temporary, people should stick with life, something good may happen. But I’ve known several people whose lives were disasters since childhood, and nothing good ever happened and was likely to happen. For those people, leaving this world made sense to me.

  7. I am bipolar and have been suicidal many times. The depression gets so great it is like I am spriraling down a black hole. Nothing makes sense. I know it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, whatever the issue is. I turn on myself, and think I am worth absolutely nothing, and everybody would just be better off without me. In reality, I am in a great deal of pain (emotional), and just want relief. Sometimes it seems like the only way out. I am getting better at reaching out to people when this happens. I have responsibilites – a mate, children, grandchildren, friends that love and care about me. So logically I know I would be missed, and it would devastate everyone, especially those closest to me. But when I’m in that downward spiral it is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to get out of it. That’s why I’m trying to reach out now.

  8. Wow – I’m overwhelmed by the response to this post so far. Thank you so much for everyone with real life experiences here adding on. Your stories are so important. Those are the battles going on inside so many people’s minds each and every day.

    For those of you who are reaching out right now to this post and to other places, don’t give up. Don’t give up.

  9. Having been blessed with a non-responsive rapid cycling form of bipolar disorder can I just say that whereas suicide ideation used to always be just a sign (or symptom – I forget which) of an episode of deep depression, it’s now every day. I’ve made it to 60 years, battling through at least 45 years of this and have no family left, no partner, no children who know about me, and I wouldn’t be missed. After all those years I recognise that I’m in a depressive trough at the moment, but the battle against ending it has become more and more difficult whenever the depressive troughs come along. Just my contribution…

  10. I have treatment resistant depression and don’t see a way to live with it. A lot of the time it seems like the best thing to do would be to commit suicide because the pain of living is so overwhelming. No one knows what the future will bring but the present moment can be too much to cope with.

  11. have thought about it many times, the book that has helped is, the power of now, by eckhart tolle, i strongly recomment it.

  12. I think the key is when we feel hopeless. I’ve been through rough times many times, been in pain, been depressed, deal with PTSD.
    The only times I thought of suicide was when I felt hopeless that things could/would ever change for the better.
    The worst time was when I was in chronic physical pain and fatigue, wasn’t getting any help from my doctor, had no counselling available, had no family around, and my 2 best friends had left me to myself as they thought I just had a bad attitude (they couldn’t reason/cajole/guilt me into appreciating the good in my life and how so many others were worse off).
    I had no hopeof things getting better.
    If it wasn’t for my young child, I wouldn’t be here today…
    Fortunately, I have managed to get back to a state of being out of pain, physically and emotionally.
    And I now speak up to educate people on mental/emotional illness issues.

  13. Tammy

    I think that’s great you’ve stepped out with your experiences to help others understand. I’ve found that has helped me as well with my depression experiences.

    When I was in a place that I could talk about it and have some distance from it, the talking helped me get out of myself, helped me find a purpose for my experience. Made me feel it wasn’t all for not. Also reminded me how far I’d come since that time, affirming my recovery.

  14. Lindsay

    I really feel for you. Having little help from treatments has probably been discouraging over the years.

    Sometimes a support group of other people with persistent difficult depression (or anxiety or whatever) can be helpful. Puts you in touch with others struggling with something similar. I would bet there are online groups for that as well.

    I wish you well. And I hope for better progress in the mental health industry finding breakthroughs for your type of depression.

  15. My younger brother committed suicide this summer. He had suffered from severe depression for a long time and nothing seemed to work. He even did about 50 ECT treatments and I think he just felt he couldn’t take it anymore. I wish he would have known the pain he has caused his family. It is unbearable at times and I think if he could have known our suffering, maybe he could have hung in there long enough to get the treatment he needed.

  16. Wow, it describes me so much when I get depressed and suicidal. I either want to runaway from it all and/or find ways to kill myself. I feel trapped, overwhelmed and don’t know what to do at those times. Even reaching out doesn’t help because then comes hospitalization, which takes me away from my 14 year old son. I think I deal a lot with anxiety, if not panic disorder, but my doctor and therapist think it is bipolar more than ADHD, major depressive disorder, etc. I believe it strongly to be depression with anxiety and when I get overwhelmed, there is no telling what may happen.

  17. Thank you for bringing up the topic. As one can imagine, the impact of suicide goes far beyond the deceased and the funeral. Friends and family are haunted FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES about what they should or should not have done, why they missed the signs, how did they contribute to the action and loads of other “why” questions. I have worked with many patients who review these questions with themselves on a daily basis. Thankfully, besides religious reasons, concern for family is the second most common reason that people decide against suicide, and go on.

  18. My suicidal thoughts are not impulsive. They are calculated, built on many years of observation, experience, and logic. The main conclusion to all this is that my lifelong dream is unacheivable. I did not realize until recently how powerful that dream was, and how I cannot let go of it. I will not settle for anything less than completely acheiving that dream. The conclusion that it is most likely unacheivable leaves me so angry, so sad and so disparaged. This life is a complete let-down. A gift, they call it. Ha.

  19. I’ve felt that way so many times that I do take alot of pills and I still wake up or I end up getting sick in the hospital. The last time I was in the hospital my doctor told me that I would need to stay in long term because of the attempts I’ve did in the past 3-4 years. I take the pills to not feel anything and keep myself numb because if I didn’t have them and would have to feel I really don’t know what would happen. I’m glad I found this article today to help me realize what I’m doing is wrong.

  20. I have been manic all of my life, as was my mother. At 35 that is when I learned about this “torment”. The puzzle came together for me. I am also medication resistant which only adds to my despair and confusion. I think about suicide. I am the only child, both parents have passed away and thankfully I could not have children. So here I am, living on ssi, not being able to work, never having a stable relationship. No one to turn too. Mania has robbed me of my dreams, my hopes. And it gets harder and harder everyday to cope with this never ending torment. It is a vicious cycle..

  21. As a currently severely depressed bipolar II person, I think part of the problem is that suicidal people are so consumed with their feelings they live in a metaphorical box where all they can see or hear or feel is their own pain. Life becomes difficult and the suffering is unbearable. They are unable to process anything but their own feelings and pain. They cannot process what might happen to those left behind. For me, right now, I have a rational part of my mind that does think about the repercussions of my death on my friends and family and that is the reason I am still here. It’s not so much that I am so horribly depressed and want to kill myself due to my suffering right now, in the moment, but rather it’s the thought of going through this cycling the rest of my life. Suicide is a tough situation both for the person going through the pain and for the family and friends of those left over.

  22. Suicide obsession has become a part of my life… I actually feel incomplete without it. I’m 24, and have been plagued with depression for 15 years. I don’t know what life’s like without it, can’t imagine feeling truly good, living free. I feel scared just imagining being without it… as much as I hate feeling this way, I feel kinda comfortable and safe with it… it’s what I know, who I am. Often my feelings are so blank and ambivalent, but underneath it I’m terribly afraid – to do anything, or not do anything. Often I feel like suicide is inevitable for me. I don’t know. I just feel trapped.

    • I feel exactly the same as you. Many times I imagine the ‘last sleep’ — going to sleep knowing I won’t have to wake up again. The feeling of bliss!
      The problem is that the more we think about doing something, the more difficult it becomes to actually do it. I worry “what if it doesn’t work”, or “will it be painful”.
      It isn’t always treatable, and mine has gone on for years.
      I hate the cliched advice ‘tell friends’ — what if you don’t have friends? If you’re REALLY depressed you lose all your so-called friends!
      And why would I phone a help line? If I really want to commit suicide I won’t want someone to stop me, will I?

  23. Thank you so much for writing this article. You don’t know how many times I tried to explain to my family and friends that I overdosed on pills not because I wanted to kill myself, but because I was at my lowest point and impulsive and just wanted the pain to stop. I knew it was a chance that I may die but I was willing to take that risk in order to just be numb to any emotions or thoughts. I saw myself taking the pills but was not able to stop myself. It was like an out of body experience. I still have those thoughts from time to time when I get overwhelmed but I learned how to get help and support for when those thoughts do come up. Thank you again for pointing this out in the article. It really gives people like me a voice and helps me realize that I wasn’t just minimizing my overdose and I really was not trying to kill myself.

  24. There is so much pain expressed in so many responses. Pain from those that can see no other way out and from those who have lost loved ones that were desparate to stop their pain. I have attempted in the past, have thoughts of ending it all almost everyday. I have to sit myself down and list the people in my life that would be hurt, who would find me, what state they would find me in. Also, would this put someone in the hell of emotional pain I am trying to escape. I am fortunate that I have my “chosen family” that is there for me in more ways than they will ever know. Guess I could get that desparate one day, but not today.

  25. “Don’t give up.”

    Why not? No hope. No help. And, honestly, no one would care if I did give up.

    • The Choice is yours?

      But it would be shame.

    • I care.

      • Blue Squaw, I don’t know why you came to this sight. Maybe you need some comfort. Maybe you need to feel you have some comfort to offer some one else. Please know I drew comfort from your words, and thank you. I care about you too.

      • I care – love to everyone here.

    • Hey Mr/Ms Nobody !
      There are people who care…. I care. It’s just that we don’t confront these people at the right times. But have faith…..

  26. It is different I feel, if you have medical reasons which will never change and are too painful with which to exist.

  27. Suicide is not chosen,
    it happens when pain
    exceeds resources for
    coping with pain.

    Mania is hard, living is harder…

  28. I attempted suicide fourteen years ago and survived only because I was found after becoming comatose from the pills. I had treatment resistant depression. I had support from family, friends and a therapist. However, the night of the attempt I felt that I entered a “tunnel” of despair and once I entered the tunnel I was no longer in control of my actions. I couldn’t call anyone. I just wanted the suffering to end.
    There is hope. People did care. It took several years to recover from the depression. I remain on anti-depressants and am able to work and fully participate in life. I can even say I am happy.
    I still feel the stigma from having attempted suicide but family and friends have forgiven me for the pain I caused them. I hope that I will always remember that my life is worthwhile. So is yours.

  29. My mother committed suicide when I was 15 after many attempts. She did it in a very gruesome way to make sure that it worked. She had bipolar. Though I do understand how she suffered terribly as I have also developed bipolar, I do think that her example of choosing suicide as a “coping” skill has made it easier for me to follow in her footsteps when the depression has become so overwhelming.

    I had my first overdose when I was 15 (3 months before she died) & my last one 2 1/2 years ago. I am 54 years old. I had promised myself I would not model that kind of behavior for my children as I knew how devastating it is to have a parent commit suicide & I was able to stick to that promise for 30 years until that relapse 2 1/2 years ago.

    Many times I’ve had to crawl into the closet & cry all night & just feel tortured with emotional pain, but I kept my vow. What happened with this last time was I had a 5-month period of hypo mania after 5 years of relative stability & didn’t realize that it was so dangerous to not sleep but 2-3 hours a night for so long as I felt so GOOD & I’ve spent so much time depressed. But, of course, my brain was not getting proper rest & restoration & “misfired” & I crashed & overdosed suddenly.

    My husband found me & I’ve been in a mixed state since then–getting my meds worked on & back into individual therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy, which are helping a lot.

    PLEASE do not think suicide is not going to have a negative impact on your children–no matter what their age. You are modeling a behavior. Do you want them to follow in your footsteps?

    Get help. That would be the kind of behavior that you would be proud to model & ultimately will be such a loving thing to do for your children. The grief of losing a parent to suicide is never ending, regardless of whether it is “understandable” or “justifiable” or not.

  30. What I would like to know is there anyone else out there that is medication resistant and coping with it? Any tools or suggestions? I have educated myself about mania, talked to doctors, taken every medication possible and all that was left for me was ECT which I WILL NOT DO!! It has become almost to much to bear and do not know how to turn off my mind, rest, or even sleep… it’s all to much..

  31. I already wrote my suicide note to all family members 20 yrs ago just in case it really comes down to the wire , I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, opiate dependant pain due to an accident with a truck. Sitting or standing for an hour or more is exhausting. I’m getting really depressed and losing my will. No friends,family conveniently needs to be reminded that I am how I am. If it weren’t for my kids…

  32. Christina: I have found Dialectical Behavioral (group) Therapy VERY HELPFUL in teaching me how to regulate the overwhelming painful emotions. It is hard work, but so worth it to finally (I’m 54) get some relief from the emotional deregulation I have experienced basically all my life & have only known to overdose in response to it.

    Most of the women in my group have been dxed with borderline personality disorder but I fit right in with my emotional turmoil & need to get some control. We all have the common difficulty of needing to learn how to diffuse the painful emotions & get through the escalating anxiety & emotions that prevent us from having a good quality of life.

    It is more like a class with homework. Then I see the therapist that teaches it once a week for individual therapy. It has been SO HELPFUL. My pdoc cannot believe the progress I’ve made in 1 year. I’m now completely off Abilify (which I needed to get off as in 10 years on it I’ve gained 50 lbs. & now have high blood pressure & cholesterol & am now testing in the range of diabetic in blood sugar); my Lamictal dosage has been cut in half; I no longer need to take Trazodone to sleep or Klonopin.

    I am learning “mindfulness” techniques to combat the anxiety. I highly recommend DBT.

  33. I myself have been down that dark road to hell. I could not think of anything else to do except take my own life. I started drinking and using drugs to mask the depression, but that stopped working. I isolated myself from the world. I was already on disability for my depression that is by the way medication resistant. I too have been on so many drugs its ridiculous. I did have 30 ECT treatments, which has caused memory loss. I am also lucky enough to have been in a Clinical Study where they implant a device in the chest and attach wire to the vagus nerve which sends impulses to the brain every 5 minutes or so. It is similar to ECT but without the side affects. Anyway, I reached a bottom where I could see no light. Within 4 months I tried to commit suicide 4 times, almost succeeding once. I was in and out of psych wards and hospitals during those months. I finally reached a point where I could see clearly (due to medication) and could not believe what I had put my family through. I am greatful today that I did not succeed in my attempts. I hate to think of what my two boys would have gone through.

  34. I wrote recently that I do not have suicide thoughts I have suicide dreams. Mentally you get to a point where suicide not only becomes a potential option it becomes the best thing that you ever heard of. I have been through the reasons why I should not take my own life and only one reason remains but that one reason is enough to get out of bed each morning and fight for another day. Suicide is about making the pain go away.

  35. I think a lot about suicide when I am feeling down. I’ve tried before a few times when I was younger. The only thing that keeps me from it now is a couple of family members who I think would be hurt by it and plus I’m afraid that i might go to hell (somewhere I heard that along the line that if you commit suicide you will go to hell). Sometimes I really wish I could die. People say it’s selfish.. but maybe they are the ones that are selfish for wanting you to continue hurting. If they knew what it felt like they might understand. There are times I wish that I could convince those people that I would be better off dead.. somehow I don’t think they would go for it. So.. I have to continue on with psychiatrists and psychologists.. probably for the rest of my life.

    • Obviously it’s not up to me to pronounce judgement on your situation or counsel you but I wll say that there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever for the existence of a god/gods, an afterlife, heaven, hell and all that stuff. Most likely it was made up to manipulate people into believing whatever religious leaders wanted them to believe so they’d be able to control them.

      Even the catholic church knows seems to think suicides don’t go to hell since they’re not considered to be fully responsible for their actions due to supposed mental illness.

  36. I am dx as mpd/did. i’ve been in emotional pain my entire life and physical pain since my teens and i’m in my 50′s.

    those who abused me programmed me to commit suicide before i ever told anything that happened to me as a child. i’ve had at least 20 parts trained to suicide out and at least 20 parts i somehow made to block me from killing myself. i only tried once and i could not finish the act.

    i believe God has helped me to get help and get some healing from years of ritual abuse and other bad things i survived.

    my two daughters and the people i love are my reasons why i continue to go to counseling and fight to get well. i do not want them to ask themselves why for the rest of their lives and wonder “is it my fault”? “is there something i should have done”? “am i not loveable enough for my mom to stick around for my life”?

    those who abused me left me with so much pain and somehow, deep inside of me, i do not want to leave anyone i know with the pain of those questions that can never be answered. no suicide note will ever comfort my children and spouse or answer those horrid questions.

    please don’t think i wish to guilt you into living, i am just telling my story, i’ve been in therapy for 15 years and tried so many meds before i finally got some relief from one anti-depressant. i will never truly forget the depths of darkness and misery in those most awful years – BUT, it has gotten better and i believe i will recover fully in time.

    i am very sorry for all of you who hurt so badly this day and i sincerely wish something good would happen to help you heal and find life good. in sympathy,

    Lisa

  37. I am bi polar and have tried to kill myself twice, once almost successfully. I’m only 16, so up until recently I hadn’t attempted suicide because of what it would do to my parents and siblings. When I fall into my lowest moods it seems like the only way out- the idea of self harm too some how makes me feel more calm. I’m falling behind in school, losing friends and have lost my boyfriend. Increasingly i’m finding myself staying home from school because I can’t cope.

  38. Thank you Suzanne for replying to my post. I am going to a pdoc next week and will ask him about DBT but I am not sure if my medi care will cover or if they even offer it where I live at present. I have been moving around because I live on a limited amount of money and going back to work would send me right back to the hospital. I have isolated myself and built what I call my own “citadel”. I no longer take anything regarding medications as I was weaned off cymbalta and my sleeping pill. Now.. xanex is the next drug that I either want to cut down or get off completely. Hence the doctor visit next week. I am struggling so hard, feel very alone and not sure where I will be living in the future. Frightened is the only way I can describe what I feel. The “system” is no help and I am losing hope for any help at all. Struggling with this alone has become a burden that is hard to bear. I feel quility about it because I know there are people that probably have it harder than me. It is so hard for me to talk about all this. I have never been a person who “dumps” on my friends and they have a hard time dealing with my mania also. I don’t get the highs anymore, but the lows are deep, long, and very dark. I expected that to happen as I have aged (50) and was told that by a few of my past doctors. I feel trapped.. and as a woman who once was very sucessful in her career and independent I am truly at my wits end. I just want it all to disappear, and there is no cure.

  39. Why if there are so many of us that feel so in despair can there not be more done? Sometimes, sadly I feel as if it is all over money and/or greed. After all that is how most of the rest of the business world operates so why should the mental health system, drug companies be any different? I do not want to hurt any loved ones. I recently had a friend who killed herself and saw the impact that it left on her family and even on people she never thought that it would. All of these “treatments”….pills, ECT’s, therapy, etc. It would seem to me that there MUST be more with all of the technology that is out there. I have been in therapy for soooo long and yes, things do improve but when there are setbacks and all the suicidal thoughts start to come back it is very, very exhausting. I still am trudging along….

    To Jude: I don’t know your situation but I do know that my mother left me at a very young age, then came back into my life and is not available again and I am in my mid 30′s. I do however know the pain. I also know that no matter when a child loses their parent it is unbearable. I do hope you can get help and change this decision for your children’s sake if not for yourself but I would hope that it will end up being for all of you. Obviously, I am no longer a child but I still long for my mom because I am her child.

  40. Lisa

    I’m amazed that you have been able to survive. You must be a heck of a strong person!

  41. It’s another day filled with depression and despair of the future. I am planning to leave So. California in March because I just don’t know what to do anymore, and thinking about it, facing it everyday is getting harder and harder. I want some peace, I go to bed with pain, torment and overwhelming sadness. And I wake up the very same way. Why can’t it stop??????

  42. Can you get outside into some fresh air, talk a short walk, anything pleasant to take your mind off it even if just for a moment?

    I also recall you having a doctor’s appointment to ask about some treatments. I hope you are able to keep that and find help. DBT can very effective, so I would still ask if I were you.

    Learning how to manage the thoughts, interrupt the cycles, and change the minute patterns in your mind can help you live better from moment to moment.

    I wish you well with finding some helpful info about DBT treatment from your doctor.

  43. I understand where Jude is coming from. Being a single parent myself and my child a fews years away from graduating high school, suicide is all I can think about. I am surprised that I have made it this far. It is exhausting being a single parent and the more time that passed I just realize how I was never meant to be here in the first place. There is nothing, there is no hope, no faith, no love, it is empty and cold, everyday drains another piece of me, I don’t even know if there is truly anything left. I have done the therapy, the anti depressants, read book after book and all that remains the same is more loss, more sadness and the true realization that there is and never was anyone there or anyone that has ever cared. Everything in this life is eraseable. Marriage is not sacred, ones you think are your friends are vengeful and selfish. No one truly cares at all in this lifetime. It is nothing that I ever thought it would be and as hard as try to change the path the road to nowhere becomes more clear with each passing day.

    • Exactly how I feel. Nobody really cares. Say you’re sad and people run the other way. Or say something like” everything will get better. I gotta go but call me when you feel better” HaHaHa REALLY??? And another good one ” oh my god i never knew she was so sad”. How could you know, you never stuck around to listen when I needed someone to care……

  44. For Anna:
    Even though you are in very real pain in a tormented life, I urge you to reach out to someone for help. The people you know now may have hurt you, but there are others you don’t know yet who can help you. Try to break away from your “old tapes” for a short while. Do a kindness for yourself. Getting better requires infintessimal steps that will add up to real improvement. I know you are tired, but your life is precious to someone–to me, and to others who value people as they are.

  45. Amy
    I have broken away for the past 2 years, nothing has changed and that was with continued therapy. For the first time in my life I think I accept the path and find some comfort in that. I accept people as they are and will always find good in them before bad. I actually feel as if I no longer exist, wasted breath, borrowed time.

  46. For ten years, I had intense suicidal feelings and many hospitalizations. I prayed to my God to relieve me of these awful feelings. One day in 2000, I wanted to die. The feelings weren’t there. I don’t know how to explain it better, but I now had the choice to die or live. I feel I didn’t have the choice before cuz the feelings overtook me. I came close to stabbing myself in 2005. Family helped me overcome my pain. I lost a child years ago. This year, I have noticed that I am slipping into nothingness. Loss has eaten me up alive ever since my mom died. I get severe negative thoughts of standing in a busy street, wanting to get run over. I think of driving into oncoming cars. By the grace of God, I am alive, but I don’t know why.

  47. I just want to make a statement. In life you tried to do everything right, what you think is good it isnt.No I am not depress I feel happy, happy with pain, the pain to know that no matter how hard you try to success got an MBA can’t find a job,3 spsychriatric episodes where you could even remember your own name; loosing your mind just because of love rejection, from your love one at the time, your mother, your sister and all of your nice and nephew hate you, with very strong personality who can anoy any body at will and is not welcome anywhere, you ask your frieds, teachers,pastors,neighbor for help but they answer is always the same I CAN NOT HELP YOU Or I DON”T HAVE TIME.every body is just after worldly things, money, money this world is just about money, Love does not exist if God is Love, so God does not exist My own life experiences speaks that truth, yes truth to me only, I never had love, I never had anyone care for me I was always avoided starting from my own relatives. I can not even remember when was the last time I had a hug, from anybody.When my daughter who is now 15, turned 10 and it was her birthday, for a family picture we need to be right next to each other and my mother just because of the picture put her arms around me and my 10 year old daughter turn around and surprised she said”Mamy is the very fist time I see my grandmother gives you a hug” I said, “NO, is not a hugh is just so we can all fit into the picture.Best friends rejected me for having mental illness, people don’t want to relate to people with mental illness, in hope I looked for teachers who study spychology but turn their back on me, so much for their psycholoby! they all see me as a threat of some kind when All I wanted in this life is to have a millions of friends , like the song from Roberto Carlos”YO quiero tener un millor de amigos” What is the reason for living? if you just keep getting rejected in everything you do? when all you have is your heart is Love and good intentions. You get tired of trying, there is no longer hope, no more faith,I don’t believe in anything anymore, I just pretend like the song says, The Great Pretender, Just to continue living for no reason otherwise you will be considered mentaly ill or depress. No I am not depress I just realilzed that, that whoever decided to make me, made a mistake in creating me that I shoul have never been born. All I wanted from this world was LOVE never happened neither with relative, friends, strangers, lovers, there is not enought love in this world just driven my money and material thing.I refuse to continue living without love.

  48. I am amazed at the response this has brought about…I guess we all at some time or the other think of doing ourselves in! Sometimes thought the pain of loneliness and reminiscing about lost relationships gets too painful to bear and one does think of ways and means of ending the pain. It is a pain which cannot be shared as there is no one to trust with our feelings. Somehow reading all these comments has given me more courage to face life either alone, or with someone new.
    May God and Angels look after all the Lonely People in this world. Sometimes there really is no one, but if one is able to concentrate on your favorite Angel, it will all pass.

    • Nice sentiment, but unfortunately for some of us, the thoughts do not pass even after years and we spend our days obsessed with suicidal pain and thoughts

  49. Very tough post and thread. Perhaps not applicable to all, but for most, suicide is a terminal solution to resolvable problems. And, if you want to know the legacy you leave behind, go to the funeral of a suicide before you make the attempt, because that is what you leave behind: “what could I have done”, “where did I fail this person”, “why didn’t we see this coming”, and the worst is looking at the faces of children who are coming to grips they will never see their parent/family member/friend again. This is not a ‘Tom Sawyer’ moment where you could miraculously jump out from behind a tree and say “just a joke/mistake”.

    There is no simple solution or quick fix to controlling or stopping suicidal thoughts and plans, but, having treated people who were suicidal and some who were just a drive or walk away from completing the act, I know most were not just grateful but appreciative that dialogue and medications, where applicable, made a positive difference. Hope and faith are almost never in the equation with a suicidal person, so those beliefs need to be reestablished, and can be if sympathetic, supportive, stable people can be let in to intervene.

    My most difficult case was a person who came to me after getting a job promotion, bought a new house, and was expecting the first child in the marriage, and yet somehow twisted the job issue into a sense of pervading failure and further failure to the family. This person was going to leave my office and go home to shoot themself in the garage, but at least I had the opportunity to find out these things in my office and got the spouse, who cared and was fully invested, to help me intervene and convince the person to go to the hospital. The patient was angry and verbally cruel when left the office, but came back two weeks later to tell me that my intervention was the best thing, even though there was only hate at the time the hospitalization happened.

    Reminds me of the line in an early year MASH episode when Hawkeye has the MPs take the Ron Howard character back home, as the soldier was underage. Howard says to Hawkeye, “I hate you, I will hate you forever”, and Hawkeye says without hesitation, “let’s hope it is a long and healthy hate.”

    Better to intervene and make the person think more about their choices before impulsivity and irrationality leaves behind tears and ruin. That is what suicide’s legacy is.

    Just an opinion.

    therapyfirst, board certified psychiatrist

    • Quote: “And, if you want to know the legacy you leave behind, go to the funeral of a suicide before you make the attempt, because that is what you leave behind: “what could I have done”, “where did I fail this person”, “why didn’t we see this coming”, and the worst is looking at the faces of children who are coming to grips they will never see their parent/family member/friend again. ”

      Frankly, you can find that at almost any funeral.

      • Your idea is a good one aside from the fact that there are some of us who will have no one at our funerals, no one left behind to blame themselves or regret not having done more.

        As one with no family, no friends, no job, who is aging and soon to be a widow, I believe I am now at a point where the question concerns me alone.

      • The legacy of suicide is much more than this. Ernest Hemmingway’s suicide involved 6 or 7 other suicides in other generations of his family. It sets a fatal example for others to folllow

  50. Only Christians and Therapists believe that there are always solutions for problems without considering suicide as one of them. All a person has to do is find the right ‘solution’ and all will be well.
    What is overlooked is the fact there may be real problems in a person’s life that cannot be fixed. Sometimes it is more than what is in the mind or brain that makes live almost unbearable.
    I lost my only son, I am in ill health, I live with a deep depression because the quality of my life is so terrible. I will not end my life because of the pain it would cause others. Do I think suicide is a good solution for some people? Yes.

    • This. I agree so much. I’m not suicidal myself, but I absolutely positively feel that I should be in control of my own body and that self-termination is my right (as long as it’s done responsibly, eg not killing myself where 5 year olds would see). It angers me to no end that some would seek to take that away from me; hell, I’ve been threatened with a “forced treatment” simply for espousing my beliefs to that end, even though I specifically stated I had no such intents of suiciding anytime soon. I’m the one to judge my quality of life and if for example I get paralyzed or a painful incurable disease then *I’ll* be the one to decide when it’s time to go. You are not me, you are not living my life, you do not get a say. You can call it selfish all you want, but the one that is selfish is YOU for not understanding the situation and wishing me to live in pain. (Yet another thing I am so sick of: all the “suicide is selfish” judgmental/supercilious comments.)

      Even in some cases of so-called “mental illness” I would support it, as long as the person was a non-delusional adult. For some, life is an uphill battle and they will struggle all their years with depression*. As an example, a friend of my father’s went through 20 odd years of depression treatments (including bad side effects) before finally killing himself. I don’t see how that’s much different from euthanasia to end suffering in the terminally ill; both are suffering after all. In fact, if I recall correctly, one of the main reasons for terimnally ill assisted suicide was that life would not be enjoyable and/or avoidance of pain. Frankly I can think of few better reasons to be depressed than to be terminally ill, yet people with “only” depression are declared mentally unfit.

      *I should note here I that definitely don’t agree with slapping the diagnosis of “clinically depressed” on any one that feels sad, let alone trying to medicate away normal human feelings.1 If you’re 14 with good friends and in a good home, yet feel terribly sad 24/7 then yeah, somethings defiantly wrong. On the other hand, if you’re someone like Don Delong, I think you have every right to feel as he does. I also find it terrible some would try to make grieving into a diagnosis of depression… it’s perfectly normal to feel sad two weeks after someone has died, ffs! (Yes, I’ve seen this happen. Said person was better after a couple of months, no need for meds!)

      There’s also a strong stigma that comes with these willynilly diagnoses that could hurt insurance purchases/premiums and potential job prospects (not just working for law enforcement etc., but other employers can and will judge you on such aspects and you have no way to prove they didn’t; I’ve sadly seen it first hand), as well as probably disallowing any firearms purchases where I live.

      • I very rarely comment on any forum, but I had to compliment what you have said here. Your comment is very insightful and mentions numerous issues that often get swept under the rug. People often say that those with ‘mental illness’ cannot make their own decisions concerning their life and future, yet no one complains when they make decisions about their family, finances or business. This is because, as you pointed out, people are concerned with their own selfish motives and not the pain of the person who is suffering. The discrimination that people diagnosed with mental illness face is another thing that gets ignored: having your constitutional rights taken away and basically being reduced to the status of second class citizen, discrimination by insurance companies (even with the new healthcare act you can still be denied life insurance or charged higher premiums), and discrimination at work. There are even people online who claim they have been denied a driver’s license due to a mental illness. The status quo is “EVERYBODY is mentally ill, NOBODY is curable, but EVERYBODY is treatable.” This turns everyone into a permanent patient but doesn’t make anyone better.

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