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Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

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  1. I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!

    Good Things: by Victor Marmolejo

    If I could pass some lessons learned through my life on this earth
    Number #1would be: To appreciate TODAY for all that it’s worth
    Life is a merely a series of moments that can pass in a flash
    And having a positive outlook helps trump a negative past
    This is YOUR journey to live, why not enjoy the course?
    We’re meant to live life in the now, not live with remorse

    Life never promised that there’d be no sadness or shame
    From the depth of our valleys, we must remember all the good things
    In the midst of the storms, when life is pouring down rain
    Through the stinging of tears we must see past the pain
    Don’t focus on past mistakes made, that you’d rather forget
    And all those “I love you’s” once said repeat them today without any regret

    I know sometimes the heart hurts and sometimes the heart breaks
    I’ve had my fair share of heart breaks and I’ve cause many heart aches
    But through each experience I’ve learned so much of myself
    I know this journey is mine and not meant for anyone else
    In life there’s so much I’ve lost, yet I don’t count myself robbed
    Instead I choose to count myself blessed that I once had them all

    Before my time expires and I have seconds left
    I want nothing but good things to speak from my last breath
    It’s just those small good memories which I’ll choose to see
    When I’m laying inches from death and my life flashes before me

    So if life has you down and your feeling sadness or shame
    You find yourself deep in a valley and storms are pouring down rain
    Know that your journey is not over, and there is still some time left
    More good moments await you, don’t dare take your last breath
    Don’t let your life flash before you and not ever see
    The good things life has left and meant for only YOUR memories
    Through the stinging of tears you must see past your pain
    It’s worth it, I promise to see nothing but good things

  2. Everyday I want this pain ,worry hurt, hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness to end. I want to die to stop it, but I don’t want to hurt my kids. But me being alive and so sad and locked in my room makes them sad anyway. I think in the long run, they’ll be better off without me.

  3. After having raised twin daughters for 19 years, both girls were the lights of my life and appeared to be doing well and thriving in college. But unfortunately it wasn’t so….only one was doing well, the other had fallen off. One daughter came home for the summer with an eating disorder and severe depression. Completely a different person than she was just 6 months ago and prior. She is no longer the same person and our future is no longer a happy one, as she is in the hospital for the 7th week now and it’s going nowhere, only getting worse. This pain is too much and I can’t forsee a day of happiness in my/our future. I do love my other daughter equally as much….though the pain of losing one is just too much. I always felt that being a mom of twin daughters was really something special that most people would never be so lucky to know how that feels….but that feeling has now turned into an anchor of saddness and people just can’t understand how much it hurts.

  4. My problem is that I made my own bed. I was in a long term painful marriage, that I tried for so long to make work. Ultimately I fell into an addiction that destroyed me financially…and I see no way out. I hate myself for what I did…and I can’t fix it, or recover from it without a financial miracle. It seems as though forgiving somebody else would be easier…the constant pain I feel is so unbearable. Isn’t it funny how 50k is nothing to some people, but to me it’s the difference between life and death. I’m broken…it’s just the sad truth. I wish you all well. Don’t wait until it’s too late, pursue peace and the answers you need, while it’s still called today.

  5. Oh I feel like that have been fighting suicide for 3 days getting close to end

  6. Wow it is comforting to know you are not alone, ever since I was a child I had suicidal thoughts. I was the youngest of two older siblings, and I was bullied alot in school. I then grew up and tried to hide my pain, it was never addressed,which I think caused me to develop an personality disorder,I was always trying to be someone I was not, just to fit in, and at the age of 19 I was done with all of the inner pain and.decided that I wanted to end it all, the very next day on my way to work I was struck and hit by a car, and the impact alone almost made me black out, but I shook my head and came out of it somehow, I guess it just wasn’t.my time, I never had much support growing up, and now that I am older those.same thoughts are slowly coming back, I have a 2 year old son, that I love dearly, but sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me, he doesn’t deserve a stupid depressed subhuman mother, he deserves so much more than I feel I could ever give him, I wake up everyday and just wish that I had died in my sleep, I know it sounds selfish but the pain is very real to me

  7. Wow it is comforting to know you are not alone, ever since I was a child I had suicidal thoughts. I was the youngest of two older siblings, and I was bullied alot in school. I then grew up and tried to hide my pain, it was never addressed,which I think caused me to develop an personality disorder,I was always trying to be someone I was not, just to fit in, and at the age of 19 I was done with it all of the inner pain and.decided that I wanted to end it all, the very next day on my way to work I was struck and hit by a car, and the impact alone almost made me black out, but I somehow came out of it,I guess it just wasn’t.my time, I never had much support growing up, and now that I am older those.same thoughts are slowly coming back, I have a 2 year old son, that I love dearly, but sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me, he doesn’t deserve a stupid depressed subhuman mother, he deserves so much more than I feel I could ever give him, I wake up everyday and just wish that I had died in my sleep, I know it sounds selfish but the pain is very real to me. I was raised in religious beliefs and I believe that taking one’s own life is a sin against God,and that by committing that act, you will not make it into heaven, so my beliefs along with the love for my son, has stopped me from going through with my plans, but it is a constant agonizing thought, a constant daily reminder, I know I should have more faith in God because in him there is hope,I just wish I could get rid of this pain.

  8. I’m 22 years old. In the last two years of my life, I have lost my job, been evicted twice, had a child, had my relationship disintegrate, my Father has died, and then I was raped. I’ve always struggled with depression, but after the sexual assault… Let’s just say I don’t want to live with the memories anymore. My ex had me admitted to a psych ward as a 5150 and it was as humiliating as being raped. They literally took everything I had of comfort, I didn’t have a picture of my daughter, and then they handcuffed me in front of my neighbors and child. To this day, my neighbors refuse to speak to me because they think I’m a criminal.

    Each day is painful to live through, and everyone says that I have so much to live for. But I’m tired of remembering. At this point, the only thing I have left is my daughter- and I’m almost sure that I will lose her someday too. Everyone expects me to function normally. Go to school. Take care of my daughter. Keep working.

    But I’m tired. At 22 I’ve experienced the most horrible, awful, violating things a person can experience. And I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve begun to believe that they want to me live for selfish reasons, because if they knew how I felt- they would let me kill myself.

    I’ve never made an attempt, but I think of it almost daily. Eventually I will lose everything, so why should I wait to die in pain and alone? Death sounds nice and peaceful.

  9. diagnosed as depressed and anxious, more than 2 years, not getting any better, medications and therapy did not work, getting too old to go on, keep thinking about ending it

  10. No, hospitals are NOT always a safe place to go. I literally got PTSD from one when already on the brink of killing myself.
    Some people are in situations that will never change. They have exhausted all possibilities, may or may not be depressed, but wish to die. I cannot imagine ANYTHING remotely possible that would make me want to live.

  11. I am just tired of the same cycle … over and over. It seems too much like the twilight zone or a bad trip that just recurs (as a fyi, I don’t do drugs). Everything in my life, other than my kids (21, 20, 17) is totally hell and recurring. I gave up my career that I loved and cost me completing my doctorate to do what was best for the family. After which, the career I am in is killing me (or possibly killed me), my wife who has been my soulmate is developing other friends and is now gay, I have my own identity confustion and also lost my faith in the god of my youth. I have gone through several major heartache setbacks that, to be honest, have probably fractured who I was most of my life. I have regrets and combined with my wife, seem to paralize me or send me to deep depression. I had a mother who died when I was 19 years old due to complications of diabetes and I gained a heartfelt appreciation of her not wanting to live any more. In my situation, I see how me being with my kids will help them (as I have been a key to their getting through their own challenges with depression and moving forward to be in a successful life), but much of the time I have no hope and am not really sure that I can continue with this existence. I can’t bear to continue to experience what has happened to the one I love … and yes she does still love me, I think. I realize I am on a pretty dark and narrow path … but the pain is pretty much too much and overwhelming at times. I feel so alone … in my job, away from my job (as my wife works many weekends and is unwilling to change) …any thoughts from people who have actually made it through this and ended up on the other side happy are appreciated. Note that for most of my life (40 of 50 years), I was of sound mind, happy and had abundant hope. This all hit about 6-7 years ago and is only progressing down the rabbit hole at a pretty rapid pace. Hope would be very much appreciated …

  12. I constantly want to kill myself. I was self mutilating for 3 years before deciding to do it. My bf is the only thing keeping me from doing it. I don’t want to work, I want to do the things I want to do. Sadly, I can’t afford anything, not even treatment. I went to see a psychiatrist once and he just gave me 8 different kinds of pills. I was about to kill myself, then my bf rushed into the room and took the blade away from me and threatened to kill himself if I did. I can’t stop crying. I just want to end this life and go somewhere else.

  13. I seen alot of death in my close family members my cousin who was not a cousin but a sister suffering from lukemia.I think that what started it all she went in 1985 then went both set of great grandparents with in 2 years of each other in 1990 then went my great aunt maryland and uncle ed in 2000, in 2005 lost my mom father to alzheimers then in 2010 lost my uncle chuck andaunt dot and my dad father tripple wamy that year and now my mom mother possibly do to lung cancer. I’am a firefighter and yes i see really horible things but at the academy they teach you not to show emotion.I have a place and nice place where i will go and end it all.when the time comes.It i won’t do it i have said i will do itAnd i’am not bluffin my mind is made up

  14. After years of back surgeries, I am in constant pain. Doctors continue to push me off to each other and no one wants to take responsibility. I have since been hit by a truck in my car and cannot work. I am seeking medical treatment, but to no avail. I have an attorney, but he is worthless. My family is suffering financially and emotionally watching their broken matriarch deteriorate more every day. I have lived past my usefulness. Suicide sometimes is the only way out.

  15. I found this when I searched online “is suicide the way out” I dont know what to do anymore. I feel my parents hate me, my sisters hate me. I have no one

  16. I feel like I’ve run out of the ‘inner strength’ that i’ve had. Life, for me, at 65 yo has become too painful for me. I also have noone to answer to – but myself.
    There is noone left to hurt and my responsibilities are gone. The things that have happened just over the past 6 months have shaken me to the core. I’ve had many losses … my brother dying, friends moving away and now I have none, and the thing that grounded me the most – my cat who died unexpectedly just 2 weeks ago. I’m alone and I always felt lucky to have my special cat around during any kind of loss and expected to have several more years with him. I used to seriously say to people – when this cat goes, I’m going with him. I had so much love for him – and vice versa, that now after the shock of losing what I lived for is gone, I live in a state of pain and solitude. The friends I did have here are gone who might have helped me get through this.

    I’ve felt depressed before and had thoughts of suicide, but never had or researched a plan. This week was the first time I’ve ever tried a way to find out how I could die a peaceful death – go to sleep and not wake up. I feel ready. I don’t care to set any record of longevity, my life is just over. I can feel it inside. It’s not impuslive; it’s rational thought. It’s time to check out. Antidepressants don’t take away profound sorrow. I simply don’t want to live anymore. It is a scary thought, but it’s the way I feel. I’m tired of this ache in my heart and feeling like a prisoner in my own skin.

  17. We become more depressed when our expectation ceased or prolong. faith and action may be ill when this happen to us. But the only thing that can help us is how we understand life precedence

  18. Hey!! i dont want any1 to read this… i dont want to see anyone in pain. I really dont know wt i actually want bt every second when i spent on this earth it likes killing. I tried alot to live hpy and overcm this state bt i cnt. when i spend d day it looks like i m cheating and deceiving my friends. i know they dont lv me neither my family do bt if i will commit suicide they will hv a tear i dont want to mk them feel sad. i tried alot to get out from their life bt they r good so i cn nvr.
    i m dying every second i cnt do study my family is nt financially strong. i m nt a cheater neither week bt this is d only way i cn see.
    every second i m hvng suicidal thoughts bt i cnt do it. i want to cry as i m tired to show my fake smiling face. i cnt keep it anymore.

  19. Its been 9 months since my overdose, although I was doing so well, I have just had a hiccup. I am calling it that but it feels devastating and its all about a man, or is it? Who knows, I know earlier on I was not thinking rationally, I stayed alive because people told me to and I couldn’t feel it for myself but slowly life began to have some kind of point. There is hope trust me, its so hard and so terribly painful at times but there is hope. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Im telling myself this right now, hard to believe it but I guess I wasnt as healthy as I thought I was, and I slipped. Im early forties and have two beautiful daughters. I spent two weeks in hospital last year after I lost my will to live and I’ve spent 9 months trying to find it again, I’m not there yet but I need to remember I will get there and so will you. I’m just writing what comes into my head, I have never commented on anything before but one thing I have found that has really helped is finding a way to help other people, even if its just sitting in a rest home holding someones hand.

  20. I have decided to end my life after my Dogs pass. I have thought deeply about the subject and came to the realization that if it wasn’t for them I would have already done it. Suicide is not a tradgedy, its a happy ending, no more pain. I tell people all the time what I am going to do, not for effect but rather to let them know that I am happy with my decision. And I don’t want people to feel pitty for me when they should feel good for me because I’m no longer in constant pain, I am just gone forever. It sounds so wonderful.

  21. I’ve been on the medication roller coaster for the majority of 12 years now and I’m so tired of popping the pills day after day like a compliant guinea pig and hoping one day the doctor will find the combination that works for longer than a few months (but even that hasn’t happened in the last few years). Despite the debilitating metal pain and the crying jags that lead to headaches I still find myself unable to do something to help. Everyone is telling me to get out more and be more social but just the thought of being in public makes me scared…I feel so self conscious–just like in high school–and I’ve been out of high school for 7 years, I should be over that self conscious crap by now!! I have done the hospital thing and I know it’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s just money down the drain at this point.
    Considering I’m still under my parents’ insurance, I can’t help but think of what I’ve put them through. Forget the Hydrocephalus–I’ve accepted that but this “invisible” demonic cloud that has caused them so much pain and worry…they don’t deserve this! My little brother doesn’t need to worry about me and how I’m doing. He’s got his own life to live. They should be able to do that and not have to deal with or worry about me.

  22. It is so hard to get up everyday when you find out that everyone in the house is afraid and petrified of you. Trying to be proactive and change whatever behavior is causing others to have that fear doesn’t work….they are still afraid. When you are called unpredictable, inconsistent,a liar, no good, not good enough, arrogant and more on a constant basis, how in the hell does someone work with that? The job I have is the complete opposite of what I am being told at home. And I am being bombarded at home from aLL of the people who live in the house. I am at the point that there is no point in living anymore. Home is supposed to be a safe place and it is no longer that place. Leaving has been met with threats. I just cant take it anymore. I hate my life, and I wish I wasn’t here on this earth anymore. I want to die and have many means to do it. I am at the point of choosing which path the take. It will destroy my mother, but the pain is bigger than God himself.

  23. A few yrs ago diagnosed with mild depression, then I wrecked truck. No problem, repaired. The 1 month later severe wreck (on prescribed tramadol, Xanax and anti-depressant) broke back,but can still walk.Thus hospital bills even with cheap health insurance. RX $$ Then 1 month later totaled truck into tree. depression was deepening. Found out we owed IRS thousands of dollars. Depression and suisidal thoughts began. Only job I could find after leaving other job was Part time deli cook. minimum wage, 27 hrs a (now I want to die)week.Sucidal thoughts begin. I cant afford toilet paper food although I pay my Obamacare health insurance and lightbill(weekly) I am a cutter waiting to hit a artery or something and just slowly go to sleep.

  24. I tried my family doctor and he can see me in a week. I called the hotline but there is no support group in my area. I went to the hospital but they sent me home to call the family doctor. Tonight I wrote my obituary. I told me daughter that she is my greatest pride and joy. I told her dad that ‘he won’ and I told my husband who left me how that crushed me. Finding help is impossible.

  25. For Bartol and anyone else who may be feeling in deep pain or crisis – please try calling the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
    That number is staffed 24 / 7 and they can listen to what’s going on for you – and give you local resources for support groups or Peer to Peer counseling.
    I just spoke and shared my attempt story at the Out of the Darkness walk, and I was so heartbroken to see all the people show up who lost their loved one to suicide.
    Now – I understand, some of you may ‘think’ you are alone, that no one would care if you were gone, or that people would be better off. But if I asked you to really, really think about that – you do have people who would be deeply affected if you took your life.
    I felt incredibly alone and abandoned – my attempt came 3 months after my husband walked out (17 years together) and his family politely exited from my life and were not there to help me through the devastating pain of the end of my marriage.
    But, I have a brother and cousins and an elderly aunt, and a few loyal friends who all really love me even though at the time I was too focused on my own pain.
    Please, please, please – make the call to the national hotline number – they just want to listen and help out any way they can.
    I know the late night can sometimes be the worst, it was for me. And there is someone to talk to at that hour on that hotline.
    I kind of joke that if I ever felt that level of despair again, I would check in to a nurturing and healing spa retreat. It may sound silly, but it would be more healing than the 5150 lockdown where you’re in a cold hospital eating meatloaf and not getting any real treatment of the wounded soul. It would probably be cheaper than the hospital stint, too. Between ambulance rides and such – so please consider that as an alternative – even if you have to max out a credit card. What we need is some soul soothing, massages, lavender baths, calming music, nutricious food, counsel with wise healers, candle light, gentle yoga, detoxing from any crap we’d been using.
    If I could hug each and every one of you who have expressed your pain, I would comfort you with a knowing hug – and let you know ‘this too shall pass’.
    I hope and pray someone reading this will make the decision to call and talk to someone rather than ending their life. Yes, I’ve had bad days since my attempt, but I can’t tell you the number of times the simplest sweet beauty in nature will have me feeling grateful I am still here.
    In support and love –

  26. I just finished reading PattyBlue’s post from early this morning. I am the mom of a 30 year old man who is an alcoholic, drug addict, is lonely, depressed and says repeatedly that life hurts too much to go on living. I am responsible for the way he feels because I brought him into this world. Am I selfish because I don’t want him to die? He insists the pain will end but how can we know this? He is in a downward spiral then suddenly because of the nature of his mental illness, all is right with the world. He is on that vicious roller coaster ride of mania and depression with alcohol and weed thrown in. I am at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do.

  27. 5 years ago, I lost my job of 15 years making 80k yearly with full benefits. At the same time my Mother fell ill with alzheimers/dementia and had to be put in a home. 2 years of suffering for her. I spent 4 days weekly going to see her and listen to hear cry because she was afraid of dying in this home. I also haven’t been able to get back into my field of work and have had to take a job that pays me 30k yearly with no benefits. Right after Mom died my father died within 3 months. It is now 5 years since all this happened. At 50 years old I feel my life is over. I live in fear of going bankrupt daily and the stress on my wife worries me also. I think about suicide on a routine basis. I just feel I can’t live with the pain anymore. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my life would end like this. I use to be confident, I use to be happy, I use to have friends, I use to have money, to at least take care of myself. If I can’t do this, I’m afraid it will be the end for me very shortly. I hate life and don’t want to suffer anymore it’s too much to bare.

  28. I’m currently in a relationship he keeps putting me down telling me that I’m not nothing that I can’t support him in the way that he needs to be supported but I do everything I can I sacrifice money take care of the kids wash cook clean. I do everything possible in my power to make him happy but he doesn’t make me happy I’m constantly being cheated on talked down to and I’m doing the best I can. is only so much a person can take and I’ve been contemplating suicide for the last 5 years that I’ve been with him and nothing has changed I’m just hurting everyday but I don’t want to leave my kids and that’s the only thing that’s holding me back from doing it.I’ve been in therapy since I was 13 years old and it’s still not helping his nothing I’m just tired of the world I’m tired of living in pain and I’m just tired.

  29. I highly recommend getting a dog guys. These beautiful animals do wonders. All they are, all the ever will be is love, understanding, compassionate, and incredible listeners!! Plus your thier everything, without you thier life is nothing.
    Needless to say I love my dog x

  30. I stumbled on this after feeling very low for so many times to a point of ending my life.I can relate to a lot of the pain and emptiness everyone feels here.Could it be that God put some of us here on Earth to suffer?Am a Christian and I prayed for something better to happen in my life,but the more I pray and belief,the worse it gets.
    All my relationships never worked,but was successful in getting into a new one as soon as one ended.
    Mostly it was due to financial constraints on my part not being able to provide.When i got married,my wife made a huge mistake of getting pregnant with someone else,her reasons being am always working and never there for her.But i thought i was doing this to save my marriage since all my relationship in the past ended cause of money issues.
    I got involved into gambling to provide more and even quit one job so i can have more time with family.I have a step daughter but i dont have my own baby yet.And that is when suicidal thoughts start building up cause i feel like i have nothing to lose if i end my life but again am afraid to die.
    Well,am still addicted to gambling and all i can say is that,it was the worst move ever,i lost all my savings,borrowed money got into debts and lost it all,got behind all my payments,car payments,two months behind on rent and eventually my wife moved to her mom..
    I still have my job but i feel like am trapped,my job cant pay all this payments,my credit is severely messed up cause of collections,bankruptcy is my option now but i still need a place to stay and make car payments.O.m.g
    My only reason of living is when i see other people going through hell,suffering more than and never wish i was like them.
    All my ‘friends’ that i met at casino all have bad news and or are really doing bad,nobody makes money gambling,its a fact and its a scam..they mark you,trace all your moves with all those cameras and soon or later you will be empty.You only win when you are still new to get you addicted and trapped and now they can take your money,all of it.
    My first question was,did God put some of us on this earth to suffer? I have friends and family who have never experienced this and some of them dont understand me.
    They think i made wrong choices in life.I mean relationship after relationship failing including marriage now down to one job that can’t pay all bills and so much into debt contemplating bankruptcy,something i always avoided to do,and the more i avoid it,the more it becomes the only option.I feel like a slave,just laboring for nothing,going through mental torture,i pray but nothing happens..while my friends and family are doing good.I dont know why i call them friends and family cause i have asked several times for financial support but no one tried to help,just excuses after excuses.But why me,i prayed for this CURSE to leave me ALONE so i xan live my life but it wont go away.

  31. I am 27 year old. Over the years I have pushed myself to endure way more pain than my capacity. I feel like though I survived, I have not managed to be the same person. I can see how emotional scars have changed me, made me a person less hopeful and always scared for various reasons, they continue to kill the things I loved about me.
    It it really worth ensuring, if the pain is changing you into a shell of a person you were?

  32. I have been depressed for a long time, off and on. It isn’t getting better, it’s getting worse, and I feel that quite a bit of that is down to a worsening quality of life – poverty, homesickness, lack of personal agency. I am considering suicide – not today, or tomorrow, but in the same way someone with a terminal illness might choose “death with dignity”. I don’t actually want to die, I want things to get better. However, I have tried hard to change things without success, and just am not willing to quietly accept my situation and be happy in spite of it.

    I am determined that if I choose suicide I will try to do it without shame and secrecy. Why shouldn’t I talk it through with my friends and family in the same way that someone with a terminal illness would? If I am this miserable, year in and year out, why should suicide be such a terrible choice? I really think that our society needs a major shift in its thinking about suicide. When I see the “We must prevent suicide at all cost,” type of rhetoric, I despair. I actually think that this mindset probably drives people who aren’t ready to die to just sneak off and kill themselves, and leaves the friends and families of people who kill themselves in a much worse position than they could have been had there been open and compassionate dialogue about things ahead of time.

  33. I feel guilty for thinking about suicide every day of every week of every month of the past 10 years. 10 years back when I was 14 I had anxiety attacks because I was scared of death and forgetting my beautiful family once I’m dead. Things turned around though. I still have a beautiful family but I just can’t wait to finally have the courage to end my life. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is my 18 year old brother who I love to infinity and back. He’s my backbone and can almost always make me smile. There are other people in this world who are going through way more and still see a reason to live and even manage to be happy and grateful. But I am just tired. I wake up everyday asking myself why I, waste of space, oxygen usage, am still here. I always feel some type of pain, feeling I have no purpose in life. No dreams, no goals! I can’t explain it and I’m ashamed for feeling this way for no apparent reason. Once I feel my brother is fine without me and doesn’t need me any longer, I hope I can finally go and just have peace.

  34. I have had bouts of feeling suicidal for most of my life. Last summer I was hospitalized because I told my therapist I wanted to die. They put me on some meds that I can no longer afford to take. Again, I want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. I hurt too much and I hurt everyone who gets close to me. Not because I want to hurt them but because there is something wrong with me. I hurt. I don’t want this pain to go on forever. I just can’t take it. I am alone and I want some peace.

  35. I don’t know if I’ve been suffering from depression, but I HAVE been having suicidal thoughts – and not just lately.
    I think it mostly derives from feeling like I’m such a burden to everyone around me, and that if I wasn’t here, everyone else would be able to live much more happily.
    It’s really frustrating though, having such thoughts contiguously and not being able to act on them. I keep feeling like a coward for not being able to cut myself or run in front of a speeding bus or jump into some well.
    Everyone says people who suicide are cowards, taking the easy way out…but for me, being able to take your own life is like an act of bravery because you have to be strong enough to plunge a knife into your skin or pull the trigger of a gun or force your legs to jump off a cliff. I try, but there’s always something that holds me back and prevents me from killing myself.
    Thanks for giving me an opportunity to get this out.

  36. Thank you for leaving the comments open and not censoring them. I appreciate the candid posts of people who are ltelling it like it is. I’ve related to so many of the posts. I’m 51 and have been suicidally depressed from as early as probably my 20s. I’m not prone to addictions, I take medication (theoritically, it works). Tonight I took my dog out for a long walk in the snow and stood in the middle of a schoolyard just wishing something would end my life so that it doesn’t have to be of my own doing. Effectively, I have no one. My parents died and I miss them. I have no one that I care about and the ones I have cared about have abandoned me because there is either something wrong with me or wrong with them…or both. I’m damaged. I was beaten as a child, molested, and eventually raped as an adult. I’m probably not normal even though people tend to like me. I can’t maintain a relationship…or I pick the wrong ones. Enough. No more.

    Like most of you, I often wish I won’t wake up. I have dreams of death and happiness. I know people with cancer and I often wish I could give them the extra days on the planet and I will happily take their fate. I am the walking dead at work which often draws contempt because I’m sure that I probably just give off an annoying vibe–I’m just trying to survive and I’m often late to work and have lately even been not able to get to work–I’ve been able to concoct excuses.

    I’ve told HR and my boss that I’m suicidally depressed, but I’m also able to do pretty impressive computer things, so I think they grudgingly give me some slack, I think. That may come to an end and I’ll lose my job. It feels like I’m going to lose my job soon. I cannot ask anybody for help–especially from my family. I would go to a homeless shelter first. I wish I could live among animals and be their caregiver and do computer work on the side. That is my go-to, last-ditch plan in a what-do-you-have-to-lose? way. Do that before I try to find the courage to end my own life.

    Today, I wrote a piece called, “All that’s left to do is to pull the trigger.” There are a couple people who will ‘sort of’ care, but mostly in a “Oh, I know someone who took their life” sort of way. They;ll care more when I’m gone than they actually do that I’m alive…or they won’t. I have secured a home for my dog should anything ‘happen’ to me. I have a life insurance policy and want to write a will this weekend to designate a good portion of it to go to the people who are happy to take my dog.

    I lack the courage to go through with this. I’ve been thinking of various methods. Will it work? Where do I go afterward? I have known people who have taken their lives and I understand why. And, I think that if I’m capable of compassion, then if there is such thing as “God” (I’m agnostic), then he/she/it/they is/are capable of being equally as compassionate as I. I dreamed a few nights ago that I was talking to my deceased mother and telling her my thoughts. She said, “Well, you won’t be there that much longer.” I woke up with the thought that, I suppose this is true. I cannot believe I am 51. Time doesn’t go backward and, obviously, my life is more than half over. It’s going very slowly and very painfully, however. My aunt is 91 and I envy that her end is near. I’m scared that I could live that long. She’s a millionaire. No problem. I won’t have the same comfort if I live that long.

    I thought about calling the national hotline tonight and, as other have expressed, I know directly from others’ experiences where that leads and I am not going. I don’t need emergency vehicles showing up at my home on a freezing winter night and nobody to take care of my dog. I’ve had the ‘fun’ of being truthful with a therapist who demanded to know if I was ‘functioning.’ I said, “no.” She got practically shrill and asked me if she would like to have me hospitalized…instantly I managed to put on my, “Hmm…I think I’m probably actually ok.”

    Thank you to the person who said this should be able to be discussed openly instead of being made to feel that you’ve got to hide it or else things will get worse than actually dying. Another thing, I’m afraid of joy because I also fear it won’t last. All I can trust are animals.

    I want to die, but I will first try pursuing a way to find a paying job with being surrounded by animals. This doesn’t pay. I hate living in comparative poverty and I hate that there is suffering in this messed up world. Let me off. For real.

    • Hannah, please consider talking to a therapist about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your experiences rang bells for me while I was reading your blog (or whatever you call it – Im a bit behind on computer speak). Ive been diagnosed with CPTSD – the result of a traumatic childhood. The diagnosis explained so much for me amd was a comfort in a bizarre way. Now I undetstand why I want to hurt myself, why I feel like an alien amongst the
      humans, why I isolate myself from others and why I have suicide as a escape hatch alway
      s in the back of my mind. Ive discovered that a person who has been traumatised often
      experiences life as traumatic even after the original traumatising events have long past.

      I often feel completely alone in this world, that noone cares or loves me. My therapist is helpi
      ng me understand that its not that noone cares,
      its my inability to feel loved or accept love as a result of childhood trauma. Its like trauma inserts a self-destruct button in you and until you can excise it you go on suffering.

      Please try not to feell alone. Your blog really spoke to me and I may be across the other side of the world but I will be thinking of you.

  37. It after 10 pm on new years eve 2015. I have battled this disease called depression with suicide ideation for over 16 years. I’m tired. So much loss and pain that life have become unbearable. Each bout of depression has become more and more debilitating. I am contemplating purchasing a gun….not to do harm to anyone else but to simply end this miserable life of mine. I have tried countless medications and various therapeutic methods…even the holistic route. Nothing has worked and now I am angry at God for allowing this stronghold on against my life. I hope that a miracle happens before the new year…that I will not awaken anymore once I drift off to sleep.

  38. I am a pretty sucessful person. I have a good job and things like a house and stuff. I am currently also going to school. But I just want out. I am so done. I am in a relationship that is draining me, but I can’t leave. My SO won’t let me. I divorced him, tired to make him move out, but I cannot escape him. He will never let me leave. I have tried to just be happy and accept my situation. The day to day is not compeltley awful, but I can’t imagine going on like this forever. I hyper focus all of my attention to my work, to school, to my art but I am dying inside everyday and it is starting to catch up to me. I should be cleaning right now but instead I am on the internet reading about suicide and how to get a trust set up for my pets. As long as I know they will be taken care of and he won’t get a dime out of my estate I am ready to leave. I have told him how miserable I am, and he tells me that he loves me and that everything can be worked out. I am trapped, I hate my life, I just want to disappear.

  39. my wife is dieing of brain cancer and i worry how i will deal with the pain of her dieing.I am worried that my body cant deal with that amount of pain and i dont know what will happen.I feel like i will die along with her.Ifeel like i wont be able to even move my body or think normal and i dont know how to deal with this.

  40. I have ASD and the Criminal Justice System is too much for me to handle. I feel i have been attacked by the system for years but I have recently learnt it was my problem filling in forms and interacting with the system. . I feel my life was in danger by continued stopping of benafits and i thought the system and developed self destructive behaviour. I have now run into a big problem with law enforcement and i am scared i will be tortured to death. I think i may have some kind of delusional disorder by being beat up by the police twice for acting autistic. I will be in limbo for the next year where i cant eat more than 500 calories in a day. I want to neutralise myself but it would do too much damage to someone i care about. It

  41. Wish it all ends!!!! It is a curse to not have the courage to take the final step and yet no meaning in living this life.

  42. Anyone that is reading this, please get yourself some help. Suicide is an awful, awful thing. I used to be on the very brink of suicide, but I survived through speaking up to someone I cared about in the middle of emotional chaos. I have been able to accept my depression and recover from it since, and it is important to note that once I recovered, it was hard to comprehend the lack of reality that there was In the reasons I thought suicide was an option. You will always have SOMEONE you can tell. You can’t cause the terrible destruction to your own life and the life of the persons you love. Just remember that there are always people who understand and sympathise with what you are going through.

  43. I have tried to talk to my mom about different things but she just doesn’t listen, we moved from America to Cape Town, South Africa for 11 months-4 years. We have been before, but this time it’s different knowing that I won’t be back for awhile. We have only been here 3 weeks, I already miss my friends and family we left behind and I feel like nobody cares anymore. My sister is dead to me, my brother is a dick to me and my mom just doesn’t understand. Even in the states I was being bullied because of my acne even by my own family at times. I feel used, useless, worthless, and like there is no way out. I just want the pain to stop, I have no way out. My mom has threatened to send me back to the states, while I get to see my friends it is back to square one and the people who ridiculed me. I would still feel the same because I would be away from my family here. It is weird I don’t like what my brother and sister do to me, but I love them and I wouldn’t necessarily want to be away from them for so long. Don’t bother on trying to email me because this isn’t my email. I would just be wasting your time, let me be and I will figure this out some way somehow. Goodbye

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