I used to beat myself up for everything, even when I’d do a good job. Because, you know, I could always do better.
I also used to say “I’m sorry” when a) I wasn’t sorry and b) at the weirdest times, like when someone would bump into me or when I’d want to express a difference of opinion. (Blogger and author Therese Borchard can relate. She gave exposure therapy a try for eliminating her apologizing addiction.)
And any time I’d make a mistake, big or small, I’d feel like I just committed a mortal sin. All mistakes were magnified and the guilt and shame made me want to crawl under a rock. Making mistakes became a gnawing cycle that also chipped away at my already unstable self-esteem.
Saying no to someone was painful, and there were many times that I just wanted to be alone.
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How true and controlling Low Self Esteem is. It feels “In-Born” and it’s a “feeling” that you don’t ask for, you just “feel” it and you sit and wonder “why”. Subconscious judgements create the feeling, your conscious self wonders if it’s God condemning you. Only to find out it’s you verse yourself. But still very hard to tell yourself “You’re worth something”. Comparing to other people we judge them righteous because of what we see on the outside and none of their failings and assume we are the worst of humans because we have more negative experience to compare to the limited truths about others. It’s a sad cycle but I believe there is hope.