If you sprinkle a hefty dose of Catholic (or Jewish) guilt unto a fragile biochemistry headed toward a severe mood disorder, you usually arrive at some kind of a religious nut. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! For I am one.
I have said many places that growing up Catholic, for me, was both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing in that my faith became a refuge for me, a retreat (no pun intended) where my disordered thinking could latch unto practices and traditions that made me feel normal. Catholicism, with all of its rituals and faith objects, provided me a safe place to go for comfort and consolation, to hear I wasn’t alone, and that I would be taken care of. It was, and has been throughout my life, a source of hope. And any speck of hope is what keeps me alive when I am suicidal.
But my fervent faith was also a curse in that, with all of its stuff (medals, rosaries, icons, statues), it dressed and disguised my illness as piety. So instead of taking me to the school psychologist or to a mental health professional, the adults in my life considered me a very holy child, a religious prodigy with a curiously intense faith.
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Ms. Brochard,
Have you ever considered the thought that the reason you have your mental obstacles is because of the Catholic religious experience and the very things you like about it are the very things that an abused child likes about their abuser? Have been there all their life. Feel secure in the rituals. Happy when it isn’t abusive. The abuser closes off the abused from the outside world so the abused feel happy when they are not alone with the abuser. I could go on with the similarities. Not the least in that abused children often grow up to find abusive relationships to raise their children. We know that not all abuse is physical, but verbal can be just as bad.
I offer this. Though certainly you may have heard it a million times that mental illness is in part genetic or biological, the truth is that to date nothing that stands the test of scientific method has ever established the validity of that claim. However, starting with the classics such as Pavlov, Millgram, Stephenson, Zimbardo, and the other early researchers have had their experiments in environmental factors proven time and again in many different ways. The good news is that we are not born with nothing the we or our parents can do to avoid OCD, BPD, depression, anxiety, or the like. The bad news is that many of the things we as parents believe are good practice (such as a guilt ridden religion in a society so laden with hypocrisy) are in fact the very things that cause these dysfunctions. Catholics who grew up in the cold war ear, in a society that streams fear into out living rooms at the rate of radio waves have so many exposures to growing up anxious. OCD occurs when you do something consciously that make you feel comfortable to aid in the repression of a thought that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just some food for thought.
Scrupulosity can be a confusing and not well known type of OCD. Thanks for bringing it to the forefront. Those suffering from it should seek the help of a professional who specializes in treating OCD. Exposure Response Prevention therapy can be helpful in these cases.
Hello my name is Alan and I have severe scrupulosity OCD to the poin that I am now suicidal.i went to a baptist Christian school for 2,3, and 4th grade. That was enough to last me a lifetime. My parents were Catholics but placed me in this school for its academics. I was taught to ask Jesus into my heart or else I would burn in a eternal lake of fire. ( the birth of OCD began) I don’t know how many times I prayed to avoid that. I blew the ten commandments way up. With a bunch of things to honor my parents so that they wouldn’t get hurt. Washing dishes for GED for hours, checking locks so no one would break in etc. then I couldn’t step on anything that made a cross on the floor. It was and still is a nightmare.
I would like to know if there’s anyone that started thinking for god?
I started thinking what I think he would find morally wrong and that made almost everything.it happened so much and so long and so fast that I actually think its him communicating to me through thoughts. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I get sensations and think it might be him trying to tell me something. My life is hell, I am 39 now, I’ve lost jobs, relationships, school and other things. I am desperate. If there is anyone that is going through this please let me know!!
Hi Alan, I read your comment and can sense how desperate you are for relief. I also have struggled severely with Scrupulosity. I had gone to counseling and taken medication for it. I think a combination of Christian counseling and medication if God leads ( which I know can be hard to discern) Can help tremendously. I have been healed a great deal which I thank God for. My battle now is finding balance in continuing the regular right practices of the faith. I pray you will be healed.
In JESUS Name
Hello my name is Alan and I have severe scrupulosity OCD to the poin that I am now suicidal.i went to a baptist Christian school for 2,3, and 4th grade. That was enough to last me a lifetime. My parents were Catholics but placed me in this school for its academics. I was taught to ask Jesus into my heart or else I would burn in a eternal lake of fire. ( the birth of OCD began) I don’t know how many times I prayed to avoid that. I blew the ten commandments way up. With a bunch of things to honor my parents so that they wouldn’t get hurt. Washing dishes for GED for hours, checking locks so no one would break in etc. then I couldn’t step on anything that made a cross on the floor. It was and still is a nightmare.
I would like to know if there’s anyone that started thinking for god?
I started thinking what I think he would find morally wrong and that made almost everything.it happened so much and so long and so fast that I actually think its him communicating to me through thoughts. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I get sensations and think it might be him trying to tell me something. My life is hell, I am 39 now, I’ve lost jobs, relationships, school. I am desperate. If there is anyone that is going through this please let me know!!
Alan, have you ever talked to a doctor about medicating your disorder? Paxil, an SSRI, really helped me to think more clearly. It hasn’t removed the disease, but it helped me get control.
Hello my name is Alan and I have severe scrupulosity OCD to the poin that I am now suicidal.i went to a baptist Christian school for 2,3, and 4th grade. That was enough to last me a lifetime. My parents were Catholics but placed me in this school for its academics. I was taught to ask Jesus into my heart or else I would burn in a eternal lake of fire. ( the birth of OCD began) I don’t know how many times I prayed to avoid that. I blew the ten commandments way up. With a bunch of things to honor my parents so that they wouldn’t get hurt. Washing dishes for GED for hours, checking locks so no one would break in etc. then I couldn’t step on anything that made a cross on the floor. It was and still is a nightmare.
I would like to know if there’s anyone that started thinking for god?
I started thinking what I think he would find morally wrong and that made almost everything.it happened so much and so long and so fast that I actually think its him communicating to me through thoughts. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I get sensations and think it might be him trying to tell me something. My life is hell, I am 39 now, I’ve lost jobs, relationships, school. I am desperate. If there is anyone that is going through this please let me know!!
Reply
O.k. I’m a newbie at this Scrupulosity thing. I’ve only been suffering with this form of OCD for only a year or so. It hit me hard a few weeks before Easter. I was raised Catholic and still am today. I woke up feeling emotionally sick. I mean really emotionally sick! The feeling of doom was so strong,and if you asked me when the world was going to end I would of said “today”! I had been a Luke warm Catholic and not attending mass that regular. Not being to confession for about 20 years. Let me just say my childhood was very rocky. I lost my mom when I was an infant. I had major surgery when I was 3. I was molestered by a male neighbor by 6 or 7. I was also introduced to porn by my early teens by another neighbor. I was into internet porn and voyeurism for quite a while. Married very young with 3 beautiful children I felt like I had a normal hereto life, until that morning. This was my wake up call and the begining of my OCD religion. I always had other OCD symptoms (pulling on moustache hairs,not stepping on sidewalk cracks,and hoarding useless objects). I never associated this with any disease,just quirks. So now here I am in my early 50′s with crazy thoughts involving religious figures. Curse words come to mind and find it hard to pray without interruptions. I now attend daily mass and would never think of missing Sunday service. Confession every 2-3 months. Of course I stopped any internet porn. My life spiritually has changed 180. Satan will attack more now especially since I’ve changed. Reading other blogs has helped since I know I’m not alone and these are not my thoughts. I did go to a Christian therapist for several months but really didn’t help much except when he told me about his near death expierience when he was cursing God about his pain when in a dream he was found alone in a dark chamber which he knew was hell. He called out to the Lord. The Lord appeared and told him by name, “you are forgiven,it is forgotten”. Shortly his pain was gone. I felt this testimony was so sincere and true that if you are contrite and sincere you will be forgiven. I still struggle day to day and chauk it up to my punishment and cross to bear for now . I”ll never go back to who I use to be and have to forgive and forget what was done to me in my childhood, and myself for going to that dark side. God bless.
I really had to re-post this article. In working in mental health so often I have heard clients explain away serious symptoms associated with mental illnesses using faith and religion doctrine as the basis of their reasoning. My personal opinion is that humans should have the right to decide how to manage their lives. Treatment decisions whether its mental health or physical disease based should be left to the patient(s) and their families. My issue is how to support clients when they attribute their symptoms as being religious based rather than psychological or biological based. I understand that spirituality underscores all of our experiences but at the same time the guilt that many clients harbor about the meaning of their symptoms is troubling. Sometimes the guilt along with other emotional turmoil is the biggest detractor from treatment and quality of life. Great post!
Hello, and thanks very much for your helpful article on scrupulosity and OCD. I’ve recently come across a helpful podcast to help those trying to deal with this condition and thought it could be a helpful addition to your site: http://thescrupulouscatholic.wordpress.com/the-scrupulous-catholic-podcast/. May our good Lord lead all souls to His light and peace.
Thank you for your helpful article. I am a senior citizen and was just diagnosed with scrupulosity OCD yesterday. The first time I went to this counselor was yesterday and she diagnosed me within 15 min. Having gone to counseling for many years, this was the first time I had ever heard of this form of OCD. I have to get an appointment with a psychiatrist to that a prescription can be given for a prozac-type of drug. My understanding is that my serotonin is more than depleted and that these drugs will aid in the production of serotonin. Is that correct? And is there any natural way of increasing serotonin in addition to exercising. I see clearly how this started with me at age 11 when I was sexually molested and then I see other areas in my life where I would become obsessive/compulsive. Now, 50 years later it has finally been diagnosed! I am thankful but after an eating disorder for many years I am finally taking care of myself with proper nutrition and exercise for some time now. Other than the Scrupulosity-OCD, which has been deblitating at times and tormenting at others, I am healthier physically. My major concern is that prozac will add weight, alot of weight. Are there drugs out there that work and that don’t put on weight for someone. I am a wife, mom and grandmother and help take care of my grandson and want to be able to continue that. Any information out there for alternative therapy and/or a drug that will not cause weight gain? Thank you for any assistance you might be able to give me.
I think your first few sentences describe scrupulosity well.
I’m 23 and have wrestled with this sort of OCD since…well, sometime in my teens. I am actually a member of a Mennonite church. Anxiety/depression/mental illness definitely runs in my family, and I suppose the combination of that vulnerability with the morality of conservative Anabaptists provided the right environment for scrupulosity.
Several years ago, I was not in control of the disorder. It was hell on earth. The compulsions had truly robbed me of my joy. I could not get my brain to shut up. Every slightly inaccurate statement I made was a lie. The tiniest things were sins of disobedience. I was living in constant fear.
Thank Jesus that I have a mother who knows what mental illness is like. I’ve been on Paxil for a long while now. It doesn’t do away with the thoughts and feelings completely, but it’s helped me think rationally.
And I still deal with fear. I still fix on religious minutia. I still worry if I feel I’ve missed on some detail of “salvation”.
Yet I am more in control. I have joy and hope in life now. I am in school and can cope with the stress. I have a more realistic understanding of what it means to be saved. I am slowly learning to rest in Jesus’ Sacrifice, not my pious compulsions.
I will probably never be completely free of scrupulosity until the day I die. But God brought me out of that pit and now I can see something beyond the darkness.
To anyone who is fighting this disease: there is hope. You are not alone, and there is hope.
“He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet on a rock, and established my goings.” -Psalm 40:2, AKJV