I just finished reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by renowned marriage researcher and clinical psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D, and writing up a piece on his seven science-based principles. (Stay tuned for that one!)
In addition to sharing what leads to a successful marriage, Gottman also debunks common myths about relationships. Here are three that I found especially interesting and surprising — and I think you will, too!
By the way, you can learn more about John Gottman and his research here.
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Nicely done. I wonder sometimes whether marital therapists work on “communication skills” because those skills are actually something that can worked on, as opposed to what the real problems are in the couple.
In other words, they’re looking at night for the lost keys under the streetlight not because the keys were dropped there, but because at least they can see.
I tend to agree with David Schnarch, who posits that the main problem is not that couples aren’t communicating well, but that they can’t stand what’s being communicated by their partner.
Please take a look at the incisive critique of Gottman’s methodology in Laurie Abraham’s “The Husband and Wives Club,” profiled here at PC at…
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2010/06/the-husband-and-wives-club-an-interview-with-author-laurie-abraham-part-1/
Really interesting, Margarita and TPG.
Years ago, I interviewed David Snarch and read his book “Passionate Marriage,” which made a great deal of sense to me then, though I wasn’t married.
I think, as I’m now happily married, that it’s hard to make rules for people. Because rules are meant to be broken and we’re all different. In my marriage, I’m more of a talker and my husband’s more of a listener.
Sometimes. we’re in synch. Sometimes, we’re not.
During a recent cluster of “couples therapy” sessions, we learned that we have a great marriage, but that I could make some changes that would ease some of my husband’s tensions.
I’m working on that. And it’s working.
I’ve interviewed Gottman, too. Though I don’t remember what I was interviewing him about. It was a long time ago. What I do know is that all relationships have their own chemistry, they’re own rhythms and their own ethos.
And you can only change yourself. You can’t change your partner. For me, marriage is a constant learning curve, but the best time of day, every day, is when we get into bed together and we’re “in touch.”
That never changes and we both always feel the same way. It’s magic.
Thank you, Margarita, for a very stimulating column.
xox
s
Longevity of any marriage does not necessarily equate to a happy marriage.
So many times, couples walk – or run, into marriage
so quickly, without really having any kind of concept of what it entails to be happy in a marriage.
imo, I think couples who are engaged to be married,
should seek couples and/or marriage therapy. They need to through issues they may think could come up
during marriage.
I know there’s a stigma with living together before
taking the plunge, but I wouldn’t have found out I was so compatible with my future husband, if I didn’t live together. It’s better to be able to walk away from a relationship, than getting a divorce! It sounds like an easy out but that all depends on how committal you are willing to be, whether during cohabitation, or when you’re actually married.
Great article and good info on being married. Who knew that marriage would require such work? It’s funny . . . when you first get married and are so blissfully in love you can’t imagine having to work so hard at something that just “should” come natural.
I know my hubby and I have had many ups and downs for the 18 years of our lives together. If it weren’t for a willingness to learn about each other and work hard on our marriage . . well, we wouldn’t be together today.
I will say though that all the hard work has been worth it! THanks for more info to learn from, I enjoyed reading this!!!!
Thanks for this article, I think you said it well. Another fact is that most marriages have 5 to 7 issues that are unresolved throughout the life of the marriage. I see this with the couples that I work with.
It is the disconnection between the partners that is the cause for problems, not communication, conflict resolution or having things be equal.
Thanks for the article!!
Nice article! I’m a bit concerned about the sweeping it under the rug part, though. While I agree wholeheartedly that it’s a great idea to let things “slide by you” when they are “annoying” it’s another thing completely when the issues are at the core of the relationship, such as they often are for the couples I work with – those impacted by adult ADHD. In fact, it is just that sort of sweeping under the rug of MAJOR issues that leads partners to feel so resentful that they can no longer enjoy the reciprocity mentioned in his third point…