Depression and bipolar disorder are often family diseases.
Everyone sharing a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book “Understanding Depression,” J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes that “depression … has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis …
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This is a great article. I tried to click five stars but it hit 4. I apologize. I have seen this illness shred my family. I have taken as many measures personally to stop the cycle.
This article will be forwarded.
Thanks!
Ms P
I agree; this is a great article. It also helped me, as a person with bipolar, to recognize that there are people out there who are willing to do the reading and so on for people they love–not one of my boyfriends has ever bothered to do any research on it at all, even as I was doing as much reading as I could about their assorted afflictions. This article made me realize that the characteristics of the author’s partner are absolutely vital for any potential partner of mine to possess.
I’m the mother of a bypolar daughter and I read the 8 ways to help them and I just want say thank you. I had no idea how bad this was for her !! Thank you again for helping me see how much I can help her cope. GOD bless you !! Elizabeth
As a bipolar person I’m a little surprised folks expect so much from their families. I’ve always figured that, ultimately, I’m the person responsible for my actions and feelings. I have no insurance and have spent most of my 30 years as an adult without insurance, so medication and therapy is not even on the table. I’ve mostly been a single mother and when I was in a relationship, the men were not able to get outside of their own selfish needs to see how they could help anyway,so they just added to my problems.
I try to minimize episodes by eating properly, getting enough sleep and interrupting what I know are destructive trains of thought. Exercise helps, when I’m not in pain. When I have an episode I just remind myself that how I feel will pass and if I act inappropriately on those transient feelings it will end up making my life messy. So I usually just chose not to do silly things.
It seems to work okay for me. I know different stuff works for different people. Just adding my two cents.
I need some guidelines for my husband about actual physical things he can do. I am capable of so much but without some extra support I can become so helpless, confused and non-functional. He has trouble like everyone understanding and since I don’t LOOK different he feels I’m just not being responsible. All our marriage he has depended more on me than vice versa (27yr married, me diagnosed 12 years ago – not severe except depression end). Age 56 (me) and 61. I need routine most of all and reminders. We care for our 25 yr old severely disabled daughter and he helps some with her. But I need help waking up, remembering MY meds, reminded of plan we have, help following menu plans (health and weight). I make good plans, he gets excited and helps, until I’m not ok then he just waits for me to get back on top of it. He says he wants me “in control” of the household. I can’t control it any more. By the way he no longer works away from home except a sleepover job where he has his own room and bath and rarely needs to help the person. I know work is work but I need him to have concrete ways to support me besides just the listen and get info things which he also isn’t so good at. Remind me to take breaks. Remind me to to eat right. That kind of thing. One simple thing I’ve asked for is come wake me up when he gets home in the morning by bringing me a cup of hot tea (I’d have to sit up) and talking with me until I get my mind going. I refuses – I should do that for him and needing help is irresponsible.
in that last paragraph at the end – “He refuses”, not “I refuses”.
OH – and no one (family or friends especially hubby) understands I can’t do what I used to. They remember my manic times and being the “normal” – for me I’m not extreme so just doing a lot. I used to do it all, bake bread, play piano, garden, church work, sew, crafts, every function, yard and house perfect, etc. (they forget the frustration and aggravation and unhappiness – except they hold it against me the times of depression. I had a hospital stay where big mistakes were made in my meds, misreading my diagnosis. I nearly died and came out with loss of memory, difficulty speaking, the whole gamut. But no one understands how bad that impaired me – I’m now much better than then but the bi-polar has been much worse.
Thanks sooo much for this artical!! My partner has bipolar and everthing you put it here was soo helpful! Im slowly understanding this condition more and more and it really helps reading things like these!
Thanks again!
This is a very good article. Perhaps one day I will have the confidence to pass it on to my children and spouse. J
Hi there. I’m 16 and was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar. I’ve been going through clinical depression for years, and have helped as well as been helped by my girlfriend of two years. Recently my Bi-Polar has gotten worse, more concentrated, and in her case more scathing. I’ve explained and she’s listened, but I think she needs to read this. Thank you and godspeed to anyone going through this without someone to support you.
Hello,
This article was helpful. My boyfriend is 32 and bi-polar. I am up against a wall with our relationship. I love him very much and have an enormous amount of patience. We have many positive things in common and life living together. HOWEVER. REGARDLESS I BELIEVE YOU ARE AN ADULT. SELF CONTROL IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Getting THE HELP YOU NEED AND NOT TAKING THINGS OUT ON OTHERS IS KEY. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH MOUNTAINS OF HARDSHIPS ON MY OWN SINCE CHILDHOOD AND I DONT DESERVE THE SNIPPING AND THE VIOLENCE. I HAVE HELP REGULATE HIS DIET AND VITAMINS AS IM DEALING WITH A MAN WHOM WILL NEVER ADMIT HE HAS ISSUES WITH BI POLAR DISORDER REGARDLESS THAT HE HAS BEEN COMMITTED IN THE PAST. I FIND IT INEXCUSABLE FOR ANY ONE BEING DIAGNOSE TO USE IT AS A CRUTCH. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS EVERYONE. I FEEL IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DEAL WITH THEM NOT YOUR MOM OR YOUR FAMILY . HAVING BI POLAR DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HIT SOMEONE, SCREAM IN THEIR FACE, DISRESPECT THEM, UNLESS YOU EXPECT THE SAME DISRESPECT. PEOPLE USE ALL KINDS OF THINGS AS CRUTCHES IN LIFE. BUT SAYING IM BI POLAR DOESNT GIVE YOU A FREE PASS. SIMPLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG STILL STANDS!!!!!!! i THINK THIS WORLD HAS NURTURED AND CODDLED PEOPLE FOR TOO LONG. GROW UP. GET HELP . TAKE A DEEP BREATH GATHER YOURSELF , GET A HOBBY, GET A LIFE. BUT DO NOT TAKE OUT YOUR SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS ON THE PATIENT GOOD HEARTED PEOPLE WHO DEAL WITH YOUR CRAP. i HAVENT DECIDED YET IF I WILL LEAVE THIS MAN. BUT IM EXHAUSTED AND I KNOW I DONT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. I TOO HAVE HAD 2 BRUSHES WITH POLICE OVER HIS OUTRAGES. ALL I CAN THINK IS IF WE HAD A CHILD WOULD HE STRANGLE IT WHEN IT CRIES???? YOU TELL ME THE COURT SYSTEM WOULD SAY OH ITS OK HES BI POLAR??? NAH
Thank you for this article. Im 22 and was diagnosed with Bipolar, 2 years ago. I will pass this article onto my partner, cos i know he still finds it hard to understand, I sometimes think he thinks i make it up. Because i look “ok” im a whole different world from ok inside. Im on medication and see a psychiatrist, but i constantly find myself searching for extra help, especially at this time at night, (or rather this early in the morning!). I have 5 month old boy/girl twins, they are my world and i want to always be well for them. They are a blessing and give me a meaning to life. I can look after them no problem, but its always at the back of my mind that i know im still not always feeling quite right. Sometimes im having highs i dont even realise im having till my partner points it out, then i just think hes being mean to me. Then i could be going through dreadful lows and find it so hard to even move from the sofa. If it wasnt for my babies, i wouldnt even get out of bed. I wish there was more out there to help people like me with this “invisible” illness. You cant see it, but it is very much there!
Very good article. I have been suffering (knowingly)for near 20 yrs. Im 37.The hardest thing i have found is trying to find someone who can truely relate to your ups and downs without labeling you moody. I am a teacher, why is mental disorders such a taboo subject still? I cant wait for the day when I can admit to my students or parents of – who have emotional / mental prob. -that I too suffer, and they arent alone.
This was a very helpful article, My brother is Bi-polar and its getting harder and harder to deal with it. This read surely helped..
this article was so helpful. I am dating my boyfriend on and off since i was 11 years old. And I love him to death do us part. Its hard to support him when he is going through this. I dont ever know when the right time to talk to him is. when he is going though his bipolar stage he is more angry than anything. He breaks things and punches stuff or locks himself in the room. he knows i am here 100% but he even gets mad a me… and i dont do anything. IT SCARES ME! I hate seeing him go through things like this. I am always scared i am going to say the wrong thing or do something wrong. I have bipolar also… but i am on medication. He doesnt have medical insurance… so he goes to mental health institution. but i dont think that helps him much. the medicine they give him makes him crazy! he doesnt know where he is, or who he is and he drules. On top of everything he has a son 3 months old… and his “baby mama” and him dont get along. she loves him but he doesnt love her, he tried but it didnt work. She is normally the reason he gets upset. then again He wants me to be with him 24/7 and i cant because i am starting to go to college and i have a life too. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. all i know is to stand by him and not leave him. But when he gets mad he flips out and i dont like that. But he tells me if i leave him (which im not) but he said he would go crazy. any advice i will take… im still young but i know i love him and he loves me. what do i do?
Thank you for your insites. My stepson, who lives with me full time, has a bipolar mother…this is all new territory for me.
Best wishes to you and yours.
My mother has bio polar depression. It makes my boyfriend and I fight all the time because I feel like my moms not acting right. She hates her job so everyday when she comes home I get to hear about how bad her day was. I make her house clean she comes home and points out the things I did not do. When friends/family members come along she’s acts like she’s doing everything and doing good but when its just me she’s a very depressed,mean person.I did tell my mom I’m going to move out & that started such a big fight. This article did help me but what else can I do to help her? I’m on my last nerve please help
This is a great article. Just reading it has helped me tremendously. Recently, a psychologist validated my feelings about my husband – he has manic episodes.
Lately, they’ve increased in frequency, and I have been exhausted. I tend to walk on eggshells when he is in a manic state- it is like dealing with a stranger: My husband goes away and a strange man shows up.
My challenge is to get him to seek treatment. I am going to try to broach the subject very soon, while he is in a calm state. If anyone has any ideas on how to do this, I would appreciate hearing from you.
Thanks again.
Great site.
I know its been a while, wondering how it is going for you? I believe my husband has biplar and my theraist seems to agree its so frustrating that all I can do is ask him to get help. of coarse he doesnt think there is any connection to the fact that he is throwing our marraige/kids lives away. Any advice/encouragement would be appreciated.
I just came to this website…I am bipolar and severly depressed.The more i think about it i think i have been depressed all my life.I am 41 and have no support.ihave a husband and two teen boys.last week i called my little brother i was very sad.the conversaton quickly turned into how i was a making everything up…(i also have kidney and ruptered disc)I am told all the time that mom and dad hate you your whole family cant stand to be with you.I have been cuttng a little bit but it doesnt help the pain.I am making a christmas wish…..i wish they would see me (kelli)and how i am getting help from my therapist twice a week.I just want support from my family.I wish my kids would hug me and my husband would hug me and tell me we will together get though this.I am a good person and a human being, I would do anything for my family…thanks to this website….
My partner and I split up recently. But I am the only other adult person that lives there. She had a depression over the weekend and after being up most of the night on Sunday, she was not very rational on Monday. I dropped everything to take care of her that night. And then on Tuesday night she returned to not taking care of herself, staying up late, ect. I was very annoyed that her new significate other is not pulling her weight, by helping to care for my ex. And annoyed at my ex for not doing what she can to care for herself. And my ex is not allowed to take care of me when I need care, by her new significate other. My ex says that if I am upset by the situaton that I should just let her be. I understand the role of family/loved ones in the home to support someone affected with Bipolar moods. She doesn’t seem to.
My daughter will not change her sheets, wears dirty clothes, refused to hang up her clothes. Just leaves them on the floor, etc., I have tried, unsuccessfully, to help her to take better care of herself by taking care of her things. she is 25.
when her room gets so bad, she stays with friends and family.
Is it helping her or hindering her to keep her room and clothes organized?
My question is: Is it helping her or hindering her for me to keep her room and clothes organized?
My boss took me out for coffee today at work b/c my bi polar makes me really irritable and everyone – including my partner and family walk on egg shells, I hate this! Work didn’t even know to start with as i keep hush hush!
I go days with out food and no sleep & feel like im untouchable and then I come down and man do I go down! I cry, get snappy and nasty and It feels like this nice person has gone and something evil is inside me and makes my mind go mad, I get scared to be alone ect and think and hear stuff its really tiring!! I am only 19 a healthy size 6 (dress size) I did recently have an op for gallstones an pancreatitis and went thru hell with that for a year and I think that made me a bit more irritable and fed up being in pain and never being able to go out as the pain is so debilitating!
My partner is an angel to put up with me!! We have had a few fall outs but he is sympathetic but I don’t want him to be I want to be normal!!
Help x
My partner has bipolar she hid this from me for the first 6mths of our relationship as difficulties at her home means we only get to see each other once a wk. She was petrified of telling me she had bipolar incase i left her as she has been dumped on before by previous partners and places were she has worked. It is now 18mths down the line and we are engaged but i find it very hard trying to understand what is going on in her head sometimes. I love her with all my heart and any advice from fellow partners living with loved ones with bipolar would be greatfully recieved
My fiance got bipolar but he refuse to take all the meds he should. He is only taking 1 anti depressant/calming tablet which is finished now and I will only be able to get a new batch by the weekend due to the fact that we stay in an african country. For the smallest comment he will explode especially if this are not going his way. He will then put the blame on me. Its always my fault. He will then send me abusive messages till I almost breakdown myself. When he is like that I sometimes feel I hate him! I’m very supportive and love him very much but I feel like I can’t go on living with his monster within! Please can anybody advise me on how to handle him better and to better understand how to cope with these outbursts!
How do I deal with his sex addiction?
Thanks for the article. I have shared it with my husband. I was diagnosed in 2008 and just came out of a manic episode that was triggered by anti-depressants. At the same time, my husband was struggling with a depressive episode and had several hospitalizations over the summer.
Since I was in caregiver mode and left to handle the management of our lives, I thought I was just taking care of business while my husband struggled. It was very difficult for the two of us to manage from opposite sides of the spectrum and highly volatile at times.
The biggest difficulty was in how family and friends outside our relationship behaved towards me. Mostly I had people screaming and yelling and verbally attacking me. Exasperation ran pretty high. I know these people meant well, but their approaches were not helpful and very counterproductive. Compassion was in very short supply. I think the verbal bashings I took only served to put me on the defensive and made it nearly impossible to admit there was a problem for me.
Now that my husband is stable and I have come out of my mania and see it for what it was, we are working through how to better monitor our moods and how to communicate with one another when we are having episodes. We have never been in such extreme places before.
The article was such a help to me. I have recently begun a serious relationship with what I can only describe as “the woman of my dreams” but she is also diagnosed as bi-polar. We have had our first real encounter with this only a few weeks ago. Where most would “cut and run”, I find her even more appealing to me, like a delicate flower that needs careful attention. I have read many articles these last few weeks and certainly enjoyed yours. Thank you
Thank you. Particularly for the advice about drills. We can often see signs of episodes, but perhaps wait too long to get extra assistance. This is wonderful practical advice.
This article is great! I have an old friend entering back in to my life and have now found out that she is bipolar. This artical has opened my eyes a little, so thank you. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions to help me maintain a healthy friend ship with this person in my life please reply.
Hi..I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and he suffers from severe bipolar disorder. I always tell him I can deal with ot but I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I don’t lnow if I can continue to deal with his sex addiction or his moments of withdraw. I try really hard not to take it personally and remind myself its the disease. However, that becomes increasingly hard to d. I fit truly isnt me, then why isnt his sexual addiction focused on me..in fact when he is like that he wants nothing to do with me but does other women. And the withdrawing…well why does he choose to not speak to me but continues texting everyone obsessively so? Please help me…I can feel me losing myself in a sense trying to understand but I am really starting to hurt also which I know isnt helping matters. I dont know what to do. I too need understanding and love and It really appears as though its all about him…Please help.