133 Comments to
Depression: The Spouse’s Side of the Story

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  1. How do you know when you can’t go on any longer living with your situation? I think I’m there but I just don’t know for sure.

    • pick a date, pray on that day about what you should do. Take what you feel in your heart and pick another date to pray. Pray, pray with your heart. You will find the answers. That’s how I did it. I had to retreat into my head and just ask for help from “My Higher Power” Use the second date for your answer. Use the voice you know you have. Humans ignore it. That’s why we get into/stay in trouble.

      I say this as a severely depressed wife, whose husband is so sad at our current situation. I want him to know I am ok with his decision. I’m depressed if he’s here, I’ll still be depressed if he’s gone. Sad reality, but its part of this cursed illness. I wish I could make it just leave and have my life back. I am tired. He is tired. I give him permission to go.

      • I’m at the pointa that after 25 years of marrige and 15 years dealing with her depression, suicide attempts, trips to the hospital for extended stays, driving the kids away, etc etc I’m ready to leave. I feel guilty as hell but I’m maxed out and cant deal with it anymore. Told her so last night and we havent spoken since. I give you credit for accepting it and trying to deal with it.

    • I know how you feel. My wife has been depressed for many years. We’ve been married for 14 years. We almost never do anything socially as a couple. Our house is a particularly sore point. It’s a major event to have anybody come over and it is falling into major disrepair. For years I came up with excuses to tell my parents why they couldn’t come over and see our kids and for my work colleagues why she wasn’t at various events where spouses were invited.

      I keep thinking that it will get better. If I can just keep with it until all the kids are in school full time it will get better.

      I bought a vacation house by a lake thinking she could take the kids there so I could get a contractor in to work on our main home but now that second home is just starting to deteriorate too.

      I finally started taking better care of myself. I started exercising a year ago and spent several months going to therapy myself. I’ve begged her to go with me or go alone but she refuses. The refusals sometimes come with this visceral anger that is so out of character for her.

      I worry about my kids a lot and what they are learning from all this. I think I’ve concluded they will be better off seeing me on my own in a more normal setting away from all the depression, anxiety, stress and anti bacterial hand wipes.

      Even after all this I somehow feel like I’d be abandoning her, like she needs my help but I am so tired and sad. I just can’t keep living like this.

      I think Moanakai when you look in the mirror and think you have done your best then it’s time to move on. That’s where I am.

      • I feel for you, I have just started going through this and I can’t imagine what I would do if there were children involved, it must be so difficult. I don’t know if I can do this for years, I really don’t. Reading about those who have been able to do this for a long time helps give me more strength to keep going.

  2. I am depressed. I have been struggling with it for almost a year now…we lost twins at 6 1/2 months. I know I’m not the same. We have two children now. And i try my best. I do everything I can but even when i think im doing ok my husband says im not myself. that he’s lost his wife. it feels like he doesn’t know how to comfort me. and the thought that he is unhappy only makes me more depressed…this article makes me sad. i am lost.

    • Raven I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how that must feel. I do think the first and most important step though, is to admit that you are depressed. It took years to figure out that my husband is depressed, and there is still a lot of denial. I would sugguest to talk to your doctor, if you haven’t already, to figure out what the next step should be. I would also strongly encourage to speak to a councellor, or even a support group who may know what you are going through.Your doctor can also refer you to the right place for you. Talking to your husband, family or friends about how your feeling is a really good idea too. Even if they haven’t gone through a loss as great as yours, it may help to get it out. I wish my husband would’ve talked to me earlier, and we may have avoided what we’re going through now. Which is why I felt compelled to talk to you. It may be a long and painful journey bringing up the loss of your children and all those feelings, but it will help you and your family.I hope you can find the help you need,because your family needs you to be better. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find your way to a brighter future.

  3. Not sure if it’s rare or unmanly, but it looks like I’m part of the few here who is a husband with a wife who is depressed. I know men are supposed to be strong supporters and leaders, but what happens when you’re running on fumes and have been for some time?

    I’ve been with my wife 6 years and while she has stated that she has battled depression for most of her life, it has really come into the light or gotten worse in the last year or so. Unlike some of the stories here, she is pretty well functioning and sort of the strong/independent type, so there are no worries about dropped responsibilities. What wears on me is the constant up and down. Each day I don’t know the wife I’m coming home to and on some days I think I know when I get home, but one “mistake” by me or some outside force can set the whole evening ablaze.

    I think a lot of what’s made things worse lately is our circumstances. We both hate our jobs, where we live, and have few to no friends… as well as other externals of everyday life (economy, society, etc.).

    While I don’t think I was ever clinical, I too have battled depression in my life coming from a broken home with very inadequate and immature parents (she as well). Prior to our dating I spent several years clawing my way tooth and nail to be better and have joy in my life. For the most part I succeeded in becoming a pretty positive person, though I’ve generally been hopeful throughout life despite circumstances. When I met her, I was overjoyed. Most of my life I spent caring and worrying about others and their well-being. I was the peacemaker and glue in my family, carrying everyone’s burdens. I was ready for my life and was happy to find someone to share it with. Someone to do things differently with and leave the darkness behind.

    Now, I can’t help but feel like I’m a kid again. Carrying the burden of an entire family (just us, no kids). Hating my days, but feeling like there’s no joy at home either. Feeling like the only retreat is to retreat into myself. Where is the relief?

    My wife says she doesn’t want to take meds because they all have side-effects that don’t make her feel good based on what she’s tried before. She’s been to therapists, but says that’s not helpful now, because she feels she’s dealt with all her emotional issues. I don’t know what’s left? My own will has faded and what strength I used to have is nearly gone. I feel less bad after reading other stories about those who have seen themselves go down as a result of their spouse or getting blamed for being less patient or loving. While I think we’re all responsible for our own well-being, I can see how time and circumstance can wear you down. What’s the saying… “Laughter is infectious”, so wouldn’t the same be true for other feelings and emotions?

    I try to explain this to her, but she feels I should be my own person and shouldn’t feel down because she’s down. I often times do feel good and try to come home with that feeling, but if she’s unresponsive, I feel like it’s wrong for me to feel happy. I hate that feeling. If I’m happy, I want to be happy. Feeling so suppressed and “trapped” I’m starting to see some of my more selfish ways come out. After spending most of my childhood being selfless for my family, and now being asked to be completely selfless for my wife with no reciprocation, I long to be selfish.

    I don’t think I could ever have an affair (at least not physically), but I worry about an emotional one. Laughing with someone and having someone take an interest in me… rather than spending my time try to resolve a situation or crisis… though I wonder since sex too is another thing that has fallen by the way side. She claims I don’t try to have sex with her anymore because I’m not sexually attracted to her or I think she’s fat, but it’s all about attitude. As I posted to another person on here, who wants to have sex with a sad, depressed person? I do my best to woo her and do things to turn her on, but I see little in return. Yes, I’m a man so I should be able to have sex with anything with a vagina, but reality check… men, have emotions and feelings too, not to mention desires. We want to be wanted as well.

    All in all, things have come to a head. We’ve both decided that it’s marriage counseling or straight up divorce, yet divorce is still not off the table after counseling… depending on it’s success. We both want to give it our all, so we’ve chosen counseling to try to avoid divorce, but I’m torn. My heart and my faith don’t want divorce, but my life is screaming that something has to change. Marriage is about partnership and some times one partner needs more help than the other, but I don’t see partnership where it’s the sole responsibility of one person to carry the marriage. I believe in God, so sorry if I just turned anyone away, but I feel like even He doesn’t want to help. I’m so close to saying, “Well dammit, what about me? I deserve a life apart from the crappy one I grew up in. I want joy and happiness. God can either help or not, but I’m off doing this my way!” Honestly though, I feel that even that would be just another patch on this brokenness I feel.

    • @A Husband: You’ve explained my feelings to a ‘T’, regarding keeping our own sanity and emotional health in a good place while being submerged in our spouses’ depression. And the selfless childhood, selfless adulthood… all of it.

      I feel your pain. I have no answers. I pray a lot and try to surround myself with happy people when I’m not at home. Home is not a happy place for me. Sad, but true.

      I married him, I love him, and wish he could be happy but he’s not. And I feel I’ll die not knowing what it would be like to have a relationship with a man who was really a partner in life.

      I’m sad for you and your wife, and me and my husband, and everyone else in here. Just keep praying.

    • you should go bowling with my husband! Bet you two would have a lot to talk about….The is the depressed wife speaking here! Bottom line, she needs the meds, even with the minimal side effects. There are a lot of different meds on the market, and it takes TIME AND EFFORT to get the dosages correct. If she has lots of mood swings and stuff has other issues YOU may want to google Borderline Personality Disorder. If she has ever had a traumatic event in her life, also do not leave out PTSD. (which is the grandaddy of all social anxiety disorders, you get a little of everything in that one) As a veteran, I got diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and learned about the melting pot of junk I have swirling in my brain.

      She didn’t wake up and decide to be like this. You married her, you need to do your part, by educating yourself to the hilt and being her rock and net.

      I understand, I really do. I feel like a shameful person for putting my husband through the junk I put him through. I am getting help through meds and counclling and it does get a little better. I promise

      • You are getting help and trying. God bless you. Send some of those thoughts to my hubby of 17 yrs. I’d be happy to stay married if he would just try the meds.

  4. I am not married but I have been with my fiance for almost a year. I’m 19 and he’s 22. We both know he has clinical depression. He attempted suicide twice before we knew each other. He explained to me that he had dealt with it for most of his teenage years and that he had seen a doctor about it. They prescribed him medicine but it just made things worse. It was hard for me to believe. He always seemed happy and upbeat.

    Soon after we started dating, I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage at 3 months and that’s when things started to get bad. He was devastated. He wasn’t interested in sex or any intimacy. I could barely get him to kiss me on the cheek. We started fighting constantly. Things that had never bothered him before started driving him crazy. He was always stressed about money even though he didn’t need to be. He’s easily agitated. He says he wants to be with me forever but he doesn’t ever want to talk about the future.

    When I was 2, my father committed suicide. He had battled depression for years and was addicted to drugs. I feel that because my father had depression, I am more likely to get it than not. I know that my fiance’s depression is already affecting me. We don’t hang out with friends anymore. We come home from school and work and don’t do anything.

    He has a very apathetic attitude towards everything. My sister was 9 months pregnant, 3 days from her due date, when she lost her baby last week. Whenever I cry, I just want him to hold me. He basically ignores the fact that I’m crying and continues watching tv or whatever he’s doing. This isn’t normal behavior for him. He used to always hold me and comfort me, no matter how long it took.

    He was recently hired as a correctional officer. The pay and the benefits are great but he still feels like we’re never going to be able to survive.

    I told him last night that once he get his health insurance that we need to go to the doctor. I want us to get through this so we can have a long and happy life together. He agreed and said it’s time for him to take control of his life again.

  5. Well, here I am. I admit I am depressed. I cry a lot these days and am starting to feel paranoid or perhaps have some social phobia (I am a teacher and can barely force myself to stand up in front of the room right now). I have a beautiful 9 month old son, who right now feels like my only reason to live. My husband recently called me mean and unloveable. He is less than comforting to me these days. I got on this site to try to see things from his perspective. I have an appt to see my doctor next week, but do not want to take medication. I will though. I am seeing a counselor. What I want to know is, when will he look at himself? Why am I the only one trying so damn hard? He is an angry, pissed off, arrogant man. He complains about me and points out my every flaw, yet refuses to look at his own. When I suggest marraige counseling, he refuses, saying it is the beginning of the end. Well, to me, when one wants counseling and the other refuses, THAT is the beginning of the end. I am sad. Thanks for letting me post.

  6. Before we met my wife was diagnosed with depression and after several failed medications and failed jobs we met.(she even moved to Poland thinking she could run away from her depression) However when we were dating and eventually got married she didn’t explain all of this and tried very hard on each date to seem normal. She later told me after every date she had panic attacks hoping I couldn’t tell she was having severe anxiety and depression. After we got married and after the initial spark died down it all came out. Over the last 6 years of marriage she has continued to withdraw more and more from me. If I say im lonely and that our relationship lacks love and intimacy she hears ‘your a bad wife’. If I say its time to take the binkie away from our two year old she hears ‘your a bad mom’. Having a depressed spouse is like walking on eggshells. Also loud noises are a problem every time a commercial comes on TV I get screamed at for the volume. Also, if during an argument I raise my voice a little, she tells me and my friends and family I’m a maniac. Her perspective is extremely warped. If you ever heard her ruminating out loud repeating some horrible thought over and over no matter what support you give, you would agree with me that Depression sucks. Also I have bean depressed, then sad, then angry, then numbed by drugs and now I just don’t care anymore. Its almost as if she died and I went through the full mourning process of losing a spouse. Anyway I’m at the brink of Divorce which is why I am reading/posting anything I can to save my marriage. Her response to my issues with our lack of a relationship is ‘get a divorce’ I’ll take the kids and your money. I can’t bare the thought of losing my kids even if it is 50/50. So Im stuck. 2 years ago she was diagnosed with severe depression and put on a small dose of Celexa. the dose has bean small mostly because of breast feeding/pregnancy. However as far as I can tell the Celexa just numbs her a little bit making it so she doesn’t have panic attacks but the damage to our relationship has continued and she just cares less and less. I have asked/begged her to see someone just as a follow up to the medication but with 2 kids she is always overwhelmed and uses it as a reason to avoid working on anything whether its our relationship or her depression. There were good times in our relationship and all I want is to get back there. I have bean off pot and MMOs for two years, basically since we had children. I wanted to be a good Dad, that is why I quit, however now I can’t numb myself to this hopeless relationship with a women that suffers with Depression and has a completely warped perspective on life. So now I’m healthy happy and working on me and seriously considering a divorce. I guess what I’m wondering is a) is there any hope to save my marriage and get her help with out offending her, and b) would the courts still give her the kids and alimony even though she is very unstable. I’ve toyed with the idea of trying to have her committed.

    • Isn’t there always hope? Yet, what does it mean to “save a marraige”. My husband flipped out on me when I suggested that was what I wanted to do — I guess it is all perspective; he didn’t see that there was something wrong that needed saving. However, I will say that you can’t “get her help”. She has got to want the help and seek it herself. That is my opinion. I am going to see my Dr. tomorrow about my options for treating my depression. Mostly I am doing this so my son will have a healthy mother and he will know me as a strong woman. I am also going so I can continue working. My job has become unbearable with the added weight of depression. I feel a lot of guilt and sadness that I need to take medication for this. I think my husband has issues that he is not willing to look at; I can’t make him do that though. For now I can only concentrate on getting myself the help I need. Sorry, I think my reply to you wandered off into an alternate post.

    • P.S. Many of the things you described about your wife and the way she responds to things, always thinking she is bad, etc. sound a lot like me. My husband gets so frustrated with me about these kind of things. It must be a byproduct of the depression. I honestly don’t know how NOT to respond like that though. I always hear his words as criticism of me even if they are not meant to even be about me. It is really hard for me not to internalize every comment made, every look. This happens at work too (though I try to conceal it more) and is exhausting. It is interesting to read from the spouse’s perspective.

      • Thank you for posting your perspective… it sometimes helps to hear from someone “inside” the depression. I find the same thing that you and others have mentioned – my husband seems to perceive everything I say as a personal attack or criticism of him. Even if he doesn’t say this at the time, it comes up later in an argument. We all have our moments when we fall into griping, but I have worked so hard NOT to do this, to pre-plan what I want to say to him so it comes out in the most positive way possible. Still, he seems to have permanently labeled me as a “bitch”, in his mind all I do is nag and criticize and insult him. I try to remind myself that this is part of his depression and long-standing self-esteem issues, but it gets old fast. So thank you for reminding us that it truly is connected to the depression.

  7. Reading these posts, and seeing how similar they are, gives support to my logical mind that knows that depression is an illness. BUT. Living with the illness day-to-day when it is present in the person you love, in this case my wife and mother of two, it is much harder to separate the illness from the person. It is such an emotional rollercoaster.

    “A Husband” many of the things you wrote in your post really resonated with me. The ups and downs, the intense moods and the sexual disinterest (mixed in with some good days/weeks or months) can leave you worn out and confused. Sexual frustration can be more a matter of not feeling really wanted, rather than the lack of sex. Where has your playmate gone?

    My wife has been very open and brave in dealing with her depression, she has sought counselling and is on medication, she has many supportive family members and we both love what we do. Still, depression is incredibly erosive. After four years, my patience has worn thin. Our fights have become worse and damaging. We recently spoke of divorce. That was a real reality check, as neither of us could ever imagine that happening to us and our kids.

    I visualise our situation as a big tangled not of string, and somehow feel that if we could just pull on the right end, the situation would unravel and things would be simple again?

    Nice thought, but so far not the case. It is hard keeping your strength and hope strong.

    Recently we were in two minds about having a third child, but together we decided not to as we feel this would put to much pressure on our marriage. There is sadness on our part to think that this illness played a significant part in that decision.

    Depression may appear at any given moment and when it does it is there 100%. It is no doubt the most difficult challenge we have had to face in our marriage.

    I try to find interests and friends, outside of our relationship, too exercise with or just kick back and have some fun, so that I can keep my health and equilibrium.

    To everyone participating in this forum, thanks for sharing your experiences, it helps support me through mine. (It’s been a difficult day today, but talking about it does help.)

    Good Luck.

  8. Everything I have read here I have experienced at one time or another. My wife is Bi Polar and lately has severe panic attacks. She has had issues since I have known her but about 6-7 years ago she had a breakdown. Since then it has been a nightmare of doctors, prescribed drugs, more drugs, extended stays at the local mental hospital, crazy screaming fights and to many suicide attempts. she has driven my 18 year old away from home and my 23 year old is almost gone. We are now at the point were if she leaves the house she has panic attacks to the point I think I need to go to the ER.

    Well I finally said to myself that its time. For my own mental health I have to get away from her. I’m not proud of it, but if I dont she is going to suck me down the drain. Its like I have two lives right now. Home which is hell and away from home which even on a bad day is like a ton was lifted off my shoulders.

    Like others Im just venting at this point. I hope everyone, the depressed and their spouses find happiness. Financially its going to wreck me. I dont care at this point. Money means nothing to me over my sanity.

  9. My husband has been attending councelling sessions for the last 3 months. I do notice he isn’t acting as grouchy and in general is easier to deal with. He’s acting nicer to the children, and to me. To this I am grateful that it seems to be helping him,but I still think he needs to see a psychiatrist to discuss his meds to see if any changes need to be made. He doesn’t seem to think this is needed b/c he is going to councelling. I don’t think he understands that he needs to work with both, and accuses me of not being satisfied and always wanting more. He said I will want more until he’s finally dead. It’s very difficult and heartbreaking that he thinks that of me, and can’t see that all I want is for him to be better and be able to live a full happy life. I also don’t think he comprehends the devestating affects depression has had on our lives. He has blamed me for a lot of our problems, and believes I have not made any attempt to make it better.I think he believes b/c he’s in councelling that it should be back to the way it was before.I’ve told him that his behaviors and actions have caused a lot of damage, and have affected my feelings towards him. When someone is constantly negative and moody, it makes it very hard to want to share intimacy…cuddling, holding hands, kissing, sex. I’ve explained it to him, but it falls on deaf ears. I gave in to sex alot to avoid the whining and the fighting, and turned it into one more “chore” i had to do to just get through the day. I’m trying very hard, but I’ve been told so many times that things would change that now I’m just waiting for the bottom to fall out again. I haven’t been pushing to hard with the meds b/c he’s at least taking a step. I am hopeful that his councellor will push for it too. I am on a waiting list for a support group, and am very excited. However to him, that wasn’t seen as a positive, b/c I need councelling just like him. I feel horrible that I feel the way I do, and if we ever attend councelling together he will have to face some tough stuff. I know it sounds awful, but I don’t have much faith that he won’t suffer another bad episode. I also know that it will be the last one he will experience with me. But I am trying to stay positive, and I guess we’ll find out when his councelling sessions are done.

  10. Wow, I can’t believe there are so many people living through this. I really thought I was alone. I guess it’s true, you really don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

    I like to think of myself as a happy optimistic person, but lately I feel like I am losing all my happy thoughts.

    I just want to quit! My husband suffers from depression and I have had enough. I am so tired of kissing his butt to keep his mood from plumeting. We talk about his day, his problems and his aggrevations (believe me, he has plenty). But, we never talk about me, ever. He doesn’t even know what I do at work. In fact, one time he told me that my job is irrevelant. What the heck does that mean?!

    Like others have mentioned the kids and I are all walking on eggshells. He gets mad if the kids have friends over, use the computer, watch tv in the living room, get ice from the refrigerator or spend too long in the shower (the list goes on). I am constantly cringing when I see him get annoyed. It’s just been so much easier to keep everyone quiet so he doesnt get mad. The thing is though, Im tired of it!

    I want to meet my children’s friends, I want my children to feel comfortable in their home. I really feel like I’ve hit a wall!

    My husband works graveyards, the lack of sleep has made everything so much worse! He’s either at work, grumpy, sleeping or drunk. He never admitts that he’s had too much to drink. If I ask he just says he’s really tired. But I cant count the number of nights that he’s tied one on and then started a fight with me or passed out on the couch. I ask him not to drink, just to skip it one night, he cant or wont.

    A few weeks ago I caught him flirting with a co-worker through text messages. It broke me, I told him I want to work things out between us. But the truth is that he’s pissed all over everything and I dont feel like cooperating with this anymore.

    I want off the crazy train. Seriously, I have a guy that’s gets mad when he has to spend time with his kids. Everything is a chore, he’s joyless and bitter.

    At least once a week he’ll be complaining about something and then end the conversation by pretending to blow his brains out.

    I have decided to concentrate on me, it’s the only thing I have control over. We’re stuck together financially and bound together with the kids. But I have checked out of the whole thing.

    I feel kind of guilty for faking everything now, but I seriously dont see the point. I dont even like him anymore. I dont want him to touch me and I cant fathom spending our golden years together.

    I have to commend everyone here that’s talked about hanging tough and making things work. Maybe Im being lazy or spiteful but he’s crossed the line and I just dont care anymore and I dont want to try anymore.

  11. I sit here reading these stories with tears streaming. Alot of these stories remind me id how my life is. My husband and I have been together 6 yrs this spring and married 3. There is no doubt in my heart I love this man with all of my soul but I’m so tired of how things are going. He was diagnosed with depression 10 yrs ago as a teen. He has been seeing the same doc who still can’t seem tonite get the right meds. We’ve always had problems but they got Much worse once we were married. Sex is a big problem. I’ve been denied soo many times. It hurts so had to stand kno a mirror and wanalyze ” what’s wrong with me?” Or the constant question “why doesn’t my husband want me?” I’ve asked him over and over and he says its just him. I’m supposed to be willing when he wants to but if he doesnt want to if I desire so then I’m just supposed to deal,with it. I forget what it feels like to be desired. This is very damaging to my self esteem. We both are working on an associates degree, and I’m basically carrying him through his classes. He’s smart but wont apply himself. At the beginning of the year he was fired from his job and has yet to find full time employment. He struggles with the interview process because he can’t communicate well. His meds run on basically quarterly cycles, they only last that long until they stop working. I live with jeckyl and Hyde. I never know what to expect. I am only 23 years old. I work 40-50 hrs doin Manuel labor in a mill. I go to school full time. Take care of meals and regular household duties. Thank goodness we don’t have children because no one deserves to live in a household like this. I long for partnership and a support system. A lot of days I feel like I’m “raising” a 26 yr old man. This is physically and mentally exhausting. I am absolutely drained and maybe I’m naive for this but I haven’t lost hope yet. I know my husband can be a good man, but he has to apply himself. He puts me down a lot, I know he’s trying to bring nether down to his “level” so to speak. I’m lazy for napping when I’m so exhausted I can’t hold my eyes open. Ive talked ti his parents for yrs about all this, they love him and want the best. His mother has depression and his father explained to me that the spouse of with depression has to be strong and make better decisions than their partner might. I am a strong willed individual and I don’t want to give up on my husband but all this is bringing me down. I cry s lot in private because I’m so alone dealing with all this stress. I want my husband to be proud of my accomplishments and be happy for me. Instead I can’t never do enough and whatever I accomplish become a pity party on his behalf. I’m lost. I feel like I’m coasting through the motions of life.

  12. Dear feeling loss and hope,
    I completely understand what you are feeling. I am 26 and just got mariied
    In july. Right afther the honeymoon my husband is acting very strange. I noticed things weren’t right when he started coming home from worrk completely overwelmed with tears in his eyes. I have been with him for 6 years now and have never seen this side before. I did know that 10 yrs ago he did go thru a situational depression. Now he doesn’t know why he feels the way he does. He’s been on four diff meds so far and he stopped working. I do everything around the house from cleaning to cooking. We also have ppets and I take care of them. Asking him to do anything is a problem. He just get upset. He only goes out seldomly when he is somewhat sstable but we generally can’t go out with friends. Sex???? What’s that?? Its been sooo difficult. He doesn’t even grab my hand. I don’t know how to deal. Alsoo my mom who is like my bf is going thru another bad depression. Her second. Thiis one was really hard on me and now my husband is going thru it. Idk. This just sucks. I’m trying not to be mad at him or sad in generally but its hard hiding that from him. I know he loves me but sometimes I do just wonder. But it is nice to say something to someone. Someone who understands what i?m dealing with. I don’t want this to sound like I’m selfish but I just gotbmarried and all we do is fight and stress. The stress is killing me…and I’m still working and I’m not a meds…that’s what he doesn’t get. I’m just exaushted

  13. Its not like I can just go to a hospital and get a psychiatrist because my wife has a bad case of Depression. What do I do when between the two of us cannot afford a Doctor?

  14. I have been married 23 yrs to husband with depression…been thru 3 severe bouts, almost broke up with the last one. He is doing ok now and always takes his meds so life is on an even keel.

    I read the earlier comments from a wife wondering about what a marriage would have been with a non-depressed spouse. I wonder myself….my husband doesn’t share a bed with me (due to his bad back and bad knees), never tells me he loves me (even when I have asked him to – he used to do this all the time before and right after we got married). What would life be like with a “normal” man…my husband does do nice things for me…guess we have different love languages now…so in that aspect I know he loves me….just can’t tell me verbally.

    I currently find myself attracted to another man (who is also attracted to me). Never been in this situation before, even during all of the previous depressive episodes my husband experienced. Makes me sad to realize all that my husband’s depression has caused us to miss out on in a real relationship. I wouldn’t act on my attraction, and I try to avoid this man as much as possible. but it is nice to feel attractive to someone,nice to have actual conversations with someone that aren’t downers…..probably not explaining this real well…just feel sad that our marriage isn’t all it could have been, due to the depression.

  15. 2 years ago our youngest daughter (nearly 4yrs old) suddenly passed away due to doctor neglect. Since then my husband and I have gone thru all the symptons of grief. Guilt, wanting to die etc. 6 months ago my husband told me that he didnt feel the same way about me and stopped talking to me. Things started to improve I thought 7 wks later but by then I was doing everything I could to please him to try and make him as happy as I could. I noticed thou that he never wanted to hug me or kiss me. Sex was ok but nothing that meant he had to seem to care about me. I asked him about this 2 months ago and was told again that he still didn’t feel the same way, wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay with me and continued to treat me like a flatmate.
    I asked if we should go to a professional or his doctor to see if he was depressed. God knows after all we have been thru I wouldn’t be surprised but the answer was no. So life at home is hard. He speaks when spoken to, when we go out he puts on a good act so I look like I have made everything up and I am the basket case and I just don’t know what to do. I need peace in my life, we all do and want to spend it with my husband but don’t know what to do to try and get this. Can anyone help please.

    • Hi,

      I understand what you are going thru – been there. There is a book that was and is very helpful…it is called ” How you can survive when they are depressed”. I would also recommend that you go to counseling on your own – that was very beneficial to me as well. I found a depression support group that was for family members of a depressed person to attend to help me, allow me to vent to people that actually understood what I was going thru….no one really understands unless they have experienced a depressed spouse.

  16. I am at my wits end. My husband and I have been married for going on 34 years. He has always had some issues with anger but would still be happy and like to have some fun once in awhile. Four years ago, our 3 yr old grandson Tristan found a loaded gun in a drawer at my daughter’s friends house and fatally shot himself in the head, on my husband’s birthday. Exactly a month later, my daughter’s boyfriend killed her, indirectly. We are raising 2 of our grandsons now 11 and 16. My husband’s depression and anger is tearing us apart. It’s gotten to the point of every night he will pick a fight with me over something I said. I think long and hard before I say anything to him but it doesn’t seem to matter. He is in counselling now and it seems to be helping a little, but I don’t think he is discussing the deeply rooted issues that are causing this. He promises to “be better” all the time to no avail. I try to do things with the kids myself like camping, fishing etc, but I end up paying the price. For example, on the Fourth of July I wanted to go to the parade. I asked him to join us. He said it was too hot and stayed home so I went with the 11 year old. When we got back he was angry and irritable and actually said to me “well I wasn’t invited”. He is constantly blaming me for everything, and trying very hard to convince me that I am the one with the problem. My grandsons and I went to grief counselling for 3 years, with very little participation from him. My older grandson is also in counselling for PTS from living with my daughter’s boyfriend. I have told my husband that I am leaving him in 10 years. By then the youngest will be 21. It’s my light at the end of the tunnel. Life has kicked us hard, but I want to enjoy the time I have left. Thanks, it felt good to vent.

  17. I posted this as a reply to someone in a much earlier thread. Here it is for the rest since I’m anxious for advice:To start, I’m energetic, optimistic, carefree, and understanding. I’ve recently begun dating a girl who on our third date disclosed to me that she battles with depression and was diagnosed young. She takes medication religiously, knows her doses, consults a physician regularly to determine if changes must be made, talks to a therapist (of five years). Now I have to give her respect for telling me all this. It wasn’t that hard to swallow at the time because I’ve never battled with depression or had any reason to look into it. After reading everything on this site and others… hmm…I’m 32, have a good job, and feel like the world is open to myself and even then, us. So far, we’ve been together just over a month. She’s wonderful, beautiful, fit (works out all the time), has a great personality and our senses of humor are dead on exact. We both are very active and enjoy being active together. I haven’t had a girlfriend in quite a long time due to higher standards, so when I met her she totally felt like a Godsend. Still does, in fact. But I am not without concerns.I haven’t really seen any bouts of depression, but I’m sure I’ve witnessed aftershocks (or possibly what might be considered a product of the depression?) because of it. Little idiosyncrasies that were caused by possible episodes in her past where one reaction lead to this reaction and now she’s very jealous or paranoid (in the sense that if I give a girl I’ve known for years a hug, then I’m possibly interested in her, which of course is not at all the case… I’m faithful and don’t serial date).She tells me that she’s extremely high functioning during her bouts. She has a doctorate, has wild aspirations that are completely achievable (ones I would love to cheer her on with and help along the way), so much potential and energy to take on whatever challenge may come, etc. We communicate so well and both of us are extremely analytical, our conversations are depthful and interesting especially when talking about emotions or their bearing on this or that. I could definitely see myself falling in love with this woman. This coming from a man who’s never been in love.If anyone reads this, advice from much wiser counsel would be heavily appreciated. So far it seems the stories I’ve read on here are complete downers… I say that with complete sympathy for each person’s situation… but are there any success stories out there? And is the divorce rate for people with depression 90-freaking-percent?! I read that on here.

  18. I have been married for 17 years. We have had many trials during this time. We went and worked and lived in Fiji where we adopted our daughter.We fought 4 industrial tribunial cases, owned a newsagents were threatened and we had to do a moonlight flit for safety reason. We were scammed out of our savings by a conman. We fought against bootleggers (cigarettes) only to find the conman was connected to them and a big time criminal Kenneth Noye. We had fertility probs had treatment lost baby at 1 month. I was found to have servere endometriosis when at the shop so I struggled to look after a toddler. We moved and because the conman was threatening us and telling us not to get dole money, we were evicted but were lucky to get a council house. I was pregnant when we moved in 10 days after the move I collapsed was in hosital for 10 days and nearly died. The conman found out were we lived and we had bricks thrown at the window cars tampered with and my husband nearly run over somebody when his wheel came off after the lockable wheel nuts were taken off, Eventually after badgering the council we moved but only had 2 weeks notice. My baby son was ill every 6 wks probs eating and a lazy bowel and just before moving he was diagnosed with asthama. We moved in April and 2 months before I had an op to save my life due to the chocolate cysts in my ovaries. Our new coucil place had been a drug dealers house so we had kids knocking asking for drugs late at night. Plus debt collectors calling all the time. Also My son was ill at the time of the move was told grt him on a ventilator in an hour or he’ll die. All this going on my husband had somebody buy something on e-bay forgot to do refund, so was arrested ayt the new hse taken to Wales the woman was the chief constable’s neice. Ended up with caution. My daughter was constantly ill withn her ears and then tonsilitis plus suffered migraines. Son was ill with asthama lazy bowel etc. Husband had been unemployed twice but was now in a steady government job. He had e-coli and an ulcer. Then probs at work. He got mumps had every complication possible and ended up with encaphilitis and he nearly died. Think the depression started then (though had had it b4 run in the family grandad and father commited suicide). Then he had galls stones this caused his gall bladder to rupture 4 times he lived on painkillers for around 8 mnths to a yr. Whilst recooping from gall bladder op money a large sum was paid into his business acc (buying and selling on e-bay). We were struggling financially and my family insisted on going for meals for christmas birthdays etc I was too weak to say no and talked hubby into it. Anyway basically he was questioned and after a yr charged with money laundering plus afew more charges. He spent 5 mths in prison (despite the fact the case stunk he was never ever even interviewed to give his side of events). Due to my health prob and then the kids always being ill I stayed at home. Plus with no real skills or trade was little point as we would only have to pay for childcare. Got through all this together. Husband never was really himself from when he came out of prison. I got a diploma while he was in there ITECh in anatomy and phsyology. Son developed migraines due to all the stress re b4 and after prison. Now 2 yrs on and struggling like hell with money he is in clinical depression. He has a lot of resentment for me not helping when we had the shop, not going to work sooner (I now do 4 part-time cleaning jobs). There is resentment for all the money spent on meals and christmas, for me not allowing him to speak his mind with people. He doesn’t like the weight I have put on. We are into the spiritual side of life and therapies wiccans pagans etc. He got silly over a mutal friend saying things to me like he would liker her to give him a blow job etc. She is his soulie but not interested romantically.He says our home is a prison albeit a soft cell one. He says I’m manipulate, and have done this to him it is my fault that he is in depression. He did/does psychic shows selling oils candles etc. He was doing this b4 and after prison but they have tampered off and with no money to buy more stock. He did one in July at a shop where he worked when first out of prison. There he met 2 women. Basically one is dying of leukemia and the other her soulie who is dealing with her palative care. Husband connected with them straight away. Anyway basically told me and I agreed felt right was his destiny to help till ones death and be a friend to the one when the time came. I had my 50th and hubby really turned that night. Tears depression wanted to leave friends stayed and talked till 5am. The next day he was the same tryed to go but no fit state and saying he wanted to go home ie kill himself. Wouldn’t let me touch him so called his soulie who talked him round did some countselling and a set of written rules done. He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore but did love me so would try to make it work. I am brilliant and saying the wrong thing putting my foot in it and on PC get carried away. I wrote to his soulie tongue in cheek re him not doing his bit housework wise one of the new rules. She challenged him he got angry and loooked at the msg. Then a few weeks later I brought home 3 of my childhood dolls frm parents as was given the impression they would be binned. He went mad as he said I had broken yet another promises ( had said wouldn’t bring anything else back frm parents). The next day 10 Aug he moved into the self made conservatory. Said he would review it beginning of Sept when kids returned to sch. However he is still there says he is cold inside feels nothing for me just wants me to leave him alone. He went to his sisters for a few days but it was our 17th wedding ann that wkend. I started going down hill the day b4 he went managed to plaster over facebook his depression history and then more on the morning he left. He didn’t see it or know till his sister showed him. The friday I booked doc appt as thought I may have depression virtually collapsed with servere bladder infection. He had said b4 going he didn’t want to spk to me but would fone kids to say nite. He did this. The doc was worried as I threw up in his room and he thought I may have possible appendisitis. Doc said probably depressed but due to med I was already on it had been masked but the seperation had sent me over the edge. Husband came home angry tried to say sorry but he didn’t want to know, he defriended me on facebook. Now I am not allowed to touch him I can give him a kiss on the cheek bye or goodnight. He says he is cold inside doesn’t want to try to save our marriage we are seperated and he doesn’t love me anymore. Plus the women he made a connection with at the pyschic fayre well one of them not the one who is dying, he has bonded with. He never did txts he does now. He meets her for lunch at work. She has left her husband doggey marriage for yrs and now lives with the one who is dying. My husband has been picking her up taking her to work on some mornings as her husband has her car as his was written off in an accident. These 2 women both came to our home together b4 our seperation The one he has connected with neither me or the kids took too. My husband didn’t like it he was well I like her I think she is lovely. Both of these women have 3 kids each. The dying one is a single mum one of hers is autistic. The other one who has left her hubby (apparently he is autistic also) has two autistic kids. This woman was also 20 stones about 6/7 yrs ago. She has given him a sim for his fone so he can use it to fone her I am not allowed the number she doesn’t want my energy attached to it in any way. This woman is a wiccan/ witch and as my husband is well into all that due to his own abilities he has joined her covern. She is in line for high priestess. Apparently her and the other woman have only just started doing shows and this wiccan has only just gone back to her witchey stuff. She txts my hubby re the sick one as she gets possessed as she is more died in many ones than alive. Some days he takes her to work meets her for lunch then goes back and picks her up and takes her home. He tells me nothing is going on and I believe him ( he is not capable of sex when depressed and not that high a drive under normal circumstances) He has a show today and is staying over at a travel lodge with these women. He has his own room. Then nxt wekend is full moon ceremony he is away with this woman and her covern ie 13 women. He jumps when this woman calls he says she is another soulie he thinks she is wonderful. My son asked if he was in love with her and he said only just like he is with his other soulie. He says to me he has no agenda or plan B but he is moving out by xmas and getting his own place then if he finds a spark for me we may date and see how it goes. He also says maybe in a yr or ten yrs time him and this woman will be together as he thinks she is lovely etc. thIn the meantime this women is now his confidante. I was his bestfriend confidante soulmate lover wife his strength his carthorse (because no matter what happened I kept going). Now I can’t touch he doesn’t hardly talk to me he just says he wants to be left alone. H takes all calls in his room. He tells people things about me and he says on the fone yes well she love me to bits in her own way bless her, but i’m happier now than I have been for a long time suppose thats because of her. I know in my heart 10 million billion per cent the goods times are round the corner and if he would just give us one last chance we would be so happy. I am angry that all the crap is over and the good times are coming that me and the kids are being shoved out of the picture. I love him mind body and soul and with every fibre of my being and this is torture. I hate it that this woman gets his hugs his time and his tone of voice is so lovely when he spks to her just like he used to me. He is so cold and seems to blame everything that has happened on me or my family. He does get angry and he always has been inclined to a little paranoyia. I still do his washing and ironing and cook his meals and take him in tea and cold drinks. Nobody is allowed in when he is on the fone. My heart is breaking because I just want my husband back. I try to keep out of his way and leave him alone as he asks. I am obviously in depression also so my head is all over the place and as you can imagine with this woman on the scene in one way I am grateful she has been there she has stopped him commiting suicide and given him a focus and got him out of the house. But I resent she clicks her fingers and he goes running that is not him. My head says all sorts my heart knows he wouldn’t cheat because he has been cheated on in his 2 previous marriages and two he has morals of a high standard. He has said he isn’t in love with her nor in a relationship but even if he was it wouldn’t be wrong because we are seperated, and that hurts like hell. I didn’t have a choice in this and L love my husband and want him back well and loving me. Does anybody think there is any chance that the depression has caused these feelings and somewhere underneath is the man I love and he still loves me. Sorry this is so long but we have been through a lot. I have stood by him through thick and thin but this is hell and I am absolute agony the pain is off the scale, which is why I know if we have a chance I won’t make the same mistakes again I couldn’t do it again. I am a chaned woman for good but will I get a chance to prove it or will I lose him for good ? Which I can’t even think about.

  19. my partner is consumed with anger and rage since suffering a back injury at work over a year ago, not a morning passes, not an outing passes, and i mean not one. that he does not turn on me and my kids with anger and rage, i now work while he stays home, but its got to the point where i cant leave my kids with him after school etc when i work. the attempted suicides now feel like emotional blackmail, yet i’m forever worried this times he means it and how bad will i feel if actually does do this. i feel so consumed and lost, he seeked help and i took that as positive sign and started on medication, but it turns out his doctor doesnt even know he has a fiance and two kids he lives with and he stops his medication and does not tell me. i do not know what to do anymore, i dont want to abandon him, but the kids and i are living in hell and this darkness feels like its now consuming me, i cant hide.

  20. Hi, I am a husband to my live long wife since we were teens. I am now 49 and my wife is going thru the worst depression episode ever. She has had other postpartum depression 15 years ago and other shorter episodes but nothing like today’s episode.
    The mornings are the worst. Her thoughts are very negative, her feelings are not sad and feels sorry for what she is creating. You see, we are parents to a 15 yr old son and 9 year old daughter who is acting up and doesn’t understand the situation and her expectations have increased. Her acting up and my wife’s daily mood is beginning to affect me and was wondering how and what I could do to cope and continue supporting my wife and kids. She get scared of leaving the house and of what her future will bring her. She is currently taking medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. She is currently suffering of lots of anxiety.
    I am currently unemployed and my wife is on disability due to her depression. I am with her everyday and even though I gat coverage to keep her company while I exercise a bit it doesn’t feel it’s enough. I am getting frustrated and mad when I try to motivate her without response. I do not know what else to do. It’s starting to affect me since she doesn’t want to see any friends or much less go out to get distracted.
    Any recommendations what I can and cannot do to help her get better? What else can I do to make sure I stay strong and optimistic? She is working with a therapist every week but .
    Thank you

  21. Hi,
    My partner and I have been living apart for over a yr a d a half .
    I always knew he had issues but as he said , I loved him threw it.
    After 3 yrs we moved in together and the lack of intimacy became bigger for me . It had always been present , but it worsened to the point I felt he could not stand me putting my hand on his shoulder. He has studied a lot of psychology and had lots of counseling as he has been aware he has had issues. It just seemed more and more kept coming up now I was becoming a victim of it. As you can Imagine , I began to loose my self confidence as I was not looked apon as attractive or interesting to the man I loved. This caused Independant me to become needy and clingy , which of course, pushed him away more . I then went through a huge stress with myself and business partners ( my best friend at the time) deciding to dissolve our business relation ship. This caused even more stress at home as be continually criticized my way of dealing with my situation. I couldn’t believe my best friend, business and my personal relationship were all in tethers He couldn’t cope with the stress , so he left. We decided after a few months to try again, but after 6 months , we decided to have some space again so be could work on himself. A yr and a half later , I am just realizing, he has many traits of depression. I am so sad for him as be stills has so many demons that engulf him, so sad as we really loved each other , hence our continual attempts to make it work. He is so engrossed in his own pain, and that is part of the cycle, that I feel, he never really acknowledges my part in this scenario .
    When I have brought it up, he accuses me of pointing out his mistakes a d making him feel worse about himself. So now I have to not share my pain with him any more and accept that due to his depression , he may never realize that when you are in a relationship with someone with depression, 2 people are in involved.

  22. I am the depressed one in my family. I have attempted suicide and been hospitilized many times. My children were 6 and 8 when it hit bad. We have been married 26 years. I am 48 years old. I am not convinced divorce is the answer but I see that my depression has made my husband who was so kind a bitter person. My children are 22 and 24 and both have been heavy into drugs and alcohol. I think protecting children should be the most important. Don’t make them live the day in and day out of a depressed parent. Get them in counseling as soon as possible. They have counselor a that do play therapy which is great. The other spouse needs to see a therapist too. What we put you through love can not fix. I am sorry every day to my children and husband and our families. As most of you have said, it feels good to know you aren’t alone. That’s why therapy and support groups can help. I now also live on the other side because my daughter has severe depressive episodes. She has decided not to marry or have kids. I support her in this because of the fear of passing it on or messing up a loving relationship. I wonder if we had put her in therapy, taught her how to deal with intrusive thoughts, when she was younger. If maybe she would not be so bad. She is way ahead of me though. From when I was 22. I wish peace for all of you, the depressed and especially those that love us.

  23. I have been with my husband for 17 years. He always displayed, how would I say some odd behaviors, but it became much worse approx 8 years ago when his father passed away. He has mood swings that can happen in a second. My life at home is like walking on egg shells, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is verbally abusive at time and always makes sure to cause some sort of scene or outburst at a family funtion on my side. His side of the family he is always on his best behavior. He can sleep the entire day away, get up for an hour and go back to bed, like he had been up for an entire day. He has gone thru various stages of collecting items, from cars, to boats, fishing reels and motorcyles. Each one is a different phase. Our children are old enough to realize that his behavior is not the norm. One minute he wants hugs and kisses from them and the next he will be screaming like a lunatic at them. My personal like with my husband has been non existed for years. He blames this on the medication that he takes for his depression. His depression has know started to effect me after all these years. I always tried to be upbeat in the past and pretend like we had a happy home life, but I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like he is dragging me down into his dark hole with him.

    • I feel your pain. We did not sign on for this; why should our lives be dragged down because of another person’s refusal or inability to adequately, appropriately address their own mental/emotional instability. I get that it’s a medical condition, the depressed person is a victim of their illness… but so are their spouse and children. In that sense it’s more like an infectious disease. Don’t we have the right to protect our own well-being, and that of our children? Of course we do… but not without repercussions, unfortunately. My only saving grace right now is that my husband’s new job involves a lot of traveling for him. I have thought for quite a while now that my life would be easier and happier without him in it… it has been a real eye-opener for me to notice how much better I feel when he’s gone, even if it’s just for a couple of days. When he’s home, my stress level goes way up. I feel like a better person without him around… it’s so much easier to be cheerful, to be more patient, attentive and nurturing with my 6 yr old son, when I’m not emotionally processing a fresh dose of verbal abuse, or bracing for the next one.

    • Here is a follow up to my original post. I kept saying to myself, he will snap out, but life continued to get worse in the home. Our home life was non existed, we only shared a home together. This past May he made an announcement to myself and our 17 year daughter telling us that he no longer was interested in me, the family, his work etc….He said he was going to leave. I calmly told him maybe that would be the best for all. Maybe it would help for him to be away. Well he never left, instead he continued to torment the family with his verbal outbursts. It got so bad, my daughter asked him not to be in the home, the day of her prom, because she was afraid of what he may say or do. You would think that would have been a rock bottom moment, but it didn’t phase him in the least…you want to know why, because two months later I found out he had been having an affair for 4 months. He said it made him feel young again and he was happy. Kicked his ass out! Three days later I got the crying and sobbing of how sorry he was. Took him back like a dumb ass. His happiness last only 2 months and then he went right back to his old ways. Complaining that he is depressed and the medication makes him have no drive, etc…heard it all before. It is now 5 months later and I am done. I want it to be over. I have lived the last 10 years in hell. It is time for me to be happy!

  24. Although my husband has been diagnosed with depression and is on medication, seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, he still says things like, “I’m not depressed, the medication is working. I’m just tired of living.” He sleeps 10 hours at night (when he is off from work), stays up 2 hours, then goes back to bed for three more hours. When he is up, he just sits in a chair, reads, or simply stares into space.

    I am sick and tired of living this way and need a support group.. I don’t know what to do. I want my husband back–the man I married and still love very much.

  25. I have been with my husband for nearly 7 years and we’ve been married for over two years. Thankfully, I knew of his depression early into our relationship and he was actively seeking help and was on medication. He stopped both not too long after we were together, but didn’t seem to progressively get worse – he’d only go in and out of depressions.

    During the first couple of years, I almost ended things a couple of times (when he’d be emotionally abusive). I’ve never been one to put
    up with nonsensical name-calling and finger-pointing before, so I really don’t know what kept me with him aside from the fact that I could attribute this behavior to his depression.

    Years down the road, we will still get into arguments that sometimes seem to stem from his depression. More recently, he’s begun physically taking his frustration out on inanimate objects (throwing something or breaking something). This has happened three times and I’ve told him that this isn’t a good way to deal with what’s going on at the time. Sometimes I feel like a mother reprimanding/coaching her child, but I still try to speak in a way that is not condescending at all. My concern is that this may one day lead to an outburst of physical abuse towards me, at which point I will have to end things.

    Such events only happen every few months or so, but when they hit, they tend to hit hard. I’m in a situation where I do not feel comfortable talking to family or friends because I’d hate for them to get the wrong idea about him, though they all know he suffers from depression. I just don’t believe in involving others. In his most recent bout, I truly wanted to talk to his mom (since my husband’s father suffers from bipolar disorder), but she’s had a lot on her mind recently and I’d rather not add to her troubles. I’ve also grown more concerned because he told me to leave during our last argument and later stated that he only wants me to leave so he can kill himself.

    At this point, my husband refuses to seek treatment due to the cost (as he has been unemployed for over a year and isn’t currently seeking employment) and due to the fact that he has had negative side affects from medications. I, on the other hand, am more than willing to find a therapist to help me to handle my husband’s lows, but am not sure where to begin. I’m also unsure as to whether or not this will be enough to keep me strong enough to continue to support him.

    Unlike some of the spouses that I’ve been reading about, my husband can be very loving, funny, and caring, but his low point makes me worry for his life. I haven’t considered leaving him because I want to be by his side – I knew about his condition prior to marrying him and I’d love to be able to continue to support him. I just need help in doing so.

  26. I am so glad to have found this site. My boyfriend and I live together and over the last three months I have seen his depression escalate, although I didn’t know it at the time. I thought it was the normal adjustment period when you move in together. But it started with the negativity. It became a constant thing but trying to hide it in a joking way. Then it was the dog having an accident in the house and he getting mad and now leaves it for me. Then he had financial issues and couldn’t do his part with rent and bills – so they all fell on me. I had to tell him that I could not keep doing it all.
    I do the food shopping, the cleaning, the cooking and work a 14 hr day. Our sex lide is about once a month. He isnt affectionate anymore. I still look forward to coming home to him but lately, it’s more like walking on eggshells.
    The arguments are evil. He is easily agitated and irritable. Tells me all the time how run down he is, needs a vacation to just sleep for a week and how he is always thinking. He’s been on Paxil for 10 years and it doesn’t seem to be working anymore.
    His depression makes the little things turn into big deals. Last arguement he said that I really got him at a great time- he’s damaged goods and that I deserve better. He is taking out on me, all his past bad relationships and told me that he doesn’t think of being touched, hugged, cuddled or kissed. He is only thinking of the stress(truck breaking down, needing a second job, not being able to so his part, drama from his son’s mother- they hate each other).
    Thinking of going to counseling for myself and he is going to get a new doctor and change the dosage or add something new to his meds.
    Glad to know I am not alone.

    • Please run quickly. 2 years into this and it is not improving – it will get worse. My husband (25years) started with little things, now he works (I thank God that he is able), sleeps and walks – 2 to 3 HOURS a day. Thought if I could do better it would help. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Sorry for yelling but you really need to understand this. You are not responsible for his sadness, depression or anger. My daughter was dating a boy and saw similar darkness and ended it quicker rather than later. Redhead, I am going to pray for you and myself.

  27. My wife is suffering through depression. It started about 5 months ago while we were living in an isolated area so I could work on my art and photography. She began to get moody and didn’t want to do anything we used to do for fun. We moved back into the city and I thought that would help, but she can’t seem to shake it. She opened up and said she had “dark” thoughts and doesn’t know why. She claims that she is happy with me and the marriage, but I don’t know. There is a 20 year age difference between us, and though she says that’s not the problem, I can’t get rid of the doubt. I am trying to advance my art career, which was beginning to grow prior to her depression, but now I can’t create anything. She feels guilty for my lack of inspiration, which grows the longer the slump continues. Now, I’ll have to go back working full time as a teacher which more or less will kill any hopes of pursuing art as a career. I just don’t know what to do or where to go. Just wanted to share with someone.

  28. This was a good article. It left me feeling a bit more self-assured but slightly sad. My wife has changed so much in the past 1.5 years. For 12 yrs she was all about family, kids – “us”. Then she started to get negative and critical of things. She started a new position at work and she latched onto it – completely absorbed. I was supportive but wary as people could see the change in her. Her work schedule became the priority and anything that challenged it became an annoyance (even family functions, kids and me). Broken promises to the kids and not much remorse or realization that she was doing things that were totally out of character. Maybe work was an escape for her but it was a source of constant stress and complaints for her. We started to argue which we never have in past. It was obvious things were going down a very bad path but she said I was the one that was overly anxious, obsessed and delusional. She eventually lost her job 3-months ago and her whole world crumbled. All the negative things in her life were attributed towards me. I was perceived as being non-supportive. She actually said that she no longer had an identity, knew who she was anymore. Said that maybe if she has to start over with a new career maybe she should start everything over. I have tried to be supportive but she keeps pushing me away. She now wants a separation and is pursuing that route. We have three young kids that don’t understand and neither do I. I asked her early on and several occasions to go to a marriage counselor with me but she would make up excuses and reject the idea. She is pursuing the separation and not thinking straight (she doesn’t have a job, how will we manage the kids, all the finances, etc). I bring these up and she just gets more angry at me and distant. Finally she went to her doctor as she hasn’t slept a full night in over 7-months. She dropped 20 pounds and the doctor is concerned about her weight. She was obsessively working out. The doctor said she has severe anxiety and “mild” depression. but the doctor only hears what my wife tells her and clouds the real symptoms. To complicate things, she tells everybody that her anxiety and acting different is because of “me”. I am the source of it all and she was doing fine. She says if she was just left alone she would have been fine as she “was managing”. What a horrible way to end a great and loving relationship. Our entire family is messed up. Depression runs in her family (3 sisters and a brother). Her mother had depression and a breakdown, her aunt and her uncle and some nephews have depression. A cousin committed suicide and there is also thyroid disease in the immediate family. Now arguments have escalated so much, so tense and hurtful that I don;t even recognize her anymore. Maybe things will turn around but will probably be after a separation, the house is sold and kids are uprooted. By then, too late to fix :-(. I find it so odd that she is putting everything on me – is this normal? After awhile I started second guessing myself as I do have anxiety and take medication for it. I see my doctor regularly and tell him everything. He thinks she is depressed. I even started seeing the work therapist to help cope. I have to ask her regularly “is it me?”. She tells me to stop thinking that way but part of me starts to believe what my wife says and maybe I am the one with the problem and needs help. Does anybody have any suggestions other than “hold on tight and keep the head above water” ? This is my first time writing in a forum but everyone seems very helpful here and I would love for some replies and advice. Thxs

  29. Hi, my husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We both have clinical depression that presents differently. There is constant tension. I’ve had my share of meds and various psychiatric interventions and at times I’m couch-bound and don’t leave the house. I’m not the most functional depression person, but I am constantly looking for ways to overcome and get on with my life. My husband, on the other hand, lies, isn’t med compliant and self-medicates. His depression comes out as a pity party and denial, and angry at the world. I’ve tried to get him to go back to therapy and he tells me it will do not good, that his life sucks and that’s it. The negativity is toxic. He hates that I don’t move and I hate that he blames the world for his problems. I am at my wits end. Trying to make slow, but positive steps and feel like the little energy I have gets sucked out by being around him too much. He won’t go to couples therapy. Financial problems make it very hard for me to make a move. There has to be a way out!!!

  30. As the spouse with the depression rather then the one “putting up” with one I can say that all these comments are our worst fear. We the depressed are veey very aware what a burden we are to our loved ones. Rhis is why we sometimes dont seek help, because we would be admitting how bad it is. Forcing ourselves and our loved ones to begin the endless process of mangaing a illness. Note I wrote endless process of management, nor cure. There is no cure. No day where a doctor says great bill all cured, see ya for a follow up. This doesn’t go away and we know it. We hide away as much as we can for as lonf as we can. No we are nor hidinf to trick you into thinking we are “happy”. No one ia happy all thw time. A happy wife can change after birth, a happy husband can change after the loss of a job. Life will happen and you will chande too. That is what makes marriage so hard. And we are aware that ouroods that we cant control, that our lack of eneegy and lack of social desire anger and frustrat you. That is part of our depression as well. We want to be the happy spouse you need. The happy parent our kids need. If you take nothing from this please read this part slowly, we dont like being depressed either. This is not some big scheme to keep you from being happy or from doing our weight in work. We are ill and it is that simple. This is very hard for you. It is fpr everyone who has ever cared for a person with a chronic illness. So what to do? Simple, talk to us. In a calm voice with the love you say you have, talk. Tell us how hard it is for you, tell us how are actions are making you feel. Tells us about the life we are missing . Dont yell. Dont belittle. Just talk and share. Be prepared for us to cry, yell maybe . But keep it up. Dont shoulder your burrden, share it. Make us aware and include us to become a team again. We have burdens too. Trying to make it though the day with out killing ourselves is harder then you can imaging. We are trying too. Work with us not around us. You will be surprised how much better everyone will feel when you all talk. Sont softball it either, tell us the dirt, the pain. Let us tell the dirt and the pain too. Dont take it as your fault. But for the love of fucking god dont vent your thoughts on a stupid comment section of the Internet. Your family need you. Stop trying ro one up someones story or win sympathy the wrong way. You have earned it by loving someone who is a little bit broken. If you really love them get off line and talk. Or at least look up somerhing funny togwther once in a while.

    • thank you for sharing your perspective, I will try to stop living around my husband

  31. Hello ,
    My name is Nina, I married since 5 years but we ve been together for 2 years, due to the long distance relationship.
    what I m gone tell you here is that long story short .We were inlove and my husband does everything for me to be here with him and stay together.
    I have a son , I left him ,its not becoz ,I meet my husband but he didn’t stay with me anyway. so I make a decision , and to find a better life with my future husband,and left everything behind, all family, even my son knows him so well, they get long too, and he knows that mummy has to go first and after he comes along if everything work well.
    anyway, I arrived here to my husband 2years ago, we live together but due to my husband job, he has to be out of town most of the time, doesn’t came home at all, maybe once a week, or sometimes 3months not come home, I knew that, I dnt mind about that kind of relationship, I was willing to deal with it.
    So , my concern is after 5days I showed up we had a great sex, like we use to do before, but after that it melt away, he is not into it anymore, he doesn’t touch me and when I touch him I get reject all the time. sometimes I am lucky and get throught but it last only 2 minutes, and once he is inside of me, he came, and its done.
    I tried to understand for the first couple of times, he said that may be becoz of his over weight and metabolism change. I said its fine, I can understand,so I just let go whenever he wants too. I am very sexual , wild woman, but becoz of that I had to try to turn off my needs.
    and on the other side I realize that he loves his money more than he loves me, I know he loves me. but I notice he loves his money more and become so superior about it, he make all the decision in the house, he doeant give me money as a wife it kinda uncomfortable, when I want to buy stuff I cant bcoz I dnt have money, I have to ask him all the time, I said to myself , maybe he just want to see me and jugde me for money in the beging so I give him time. its been2 years we are together and its still the same, I am so tired of it. I cant be a wife, I feel like I am a nanny, or a dog, like this is a house , food and electricity for you and you good. you know what I mean?
    Now I am pregnant and thing still the same, the situation makes me so mad inside and I cant talk to him about bcoz he will never understand me, bcoz he is the kind of guy that what he thinks and say most be right and be done,if its not, its worng and he is mad.
    Now I caught him watching a porn, few times. He still doesn’t touch me but he able to watch and pleasure him self of a girl on internet.
    To be honest, I dnt mind a guy watch a porn ,but at least dnt show me or not it fornt of me, specially if you are not into me.
    I am so tired and very tired , and I think all of my hunger build up and I want to be away for him, he needs to understand that ,its not about him all the time.\
    I want to be away but I dnt know where to go, I dnt have any money.i cant even save.
    I hate this situation, I hate been nonindepedant.

    Please tell me what you will do if you are in my shoes, or what advice you give me.

    Thank you so much for reading this , I just has to let it out for once.
    Please help.


  32. This article is yet another in an endless list that completely avoids discussing the truly devastating effects of true long-term chronic depression. Just about every article is really about what I would still call short-term depression. I’ve now lived with my wife’s firt post-partum, then bi-polar 2 (essentially depression) for 18 years and my son’s social anxiety as a result of it for at least 10 years! I’ve done everything outlined in every article to help, but find its simply so stressful to live with, I have to leave for extended periods just to survive. I say this because I’m convinced the stress of coping is the major reason for the stroke then heart attack I suffered. Why does no article have the guts to truly examine the profound effects on the health of the once deeply supportive and empathic spouse?

  33. I am currently dealing with a wife who is clinically depressed. She has been, on and off, her entire life. She started taking meds again in June. We had a huge blowout the other night, and she is now staying with a friend. She doesn’t want to seek counseling, but I want her to. And, as I don’t know how to deal with this any more, I am seeing one tomorrow. I will fight to keep this marriage. I want my wife back :(

  34. We’ve been married 8 ys (16 yrs together). My husband was a high flying executive who lost his job during the bust in 2008. Since then he slowly descended into Depression, so slowly I didn’t understand it. He is so “out of it” I have to divorce him to save myself. I have been the sole breadwinner for years, the caretaker/maid at home and must go out socially by myself. THIS IS NOT LIFE.
    He tells me how I/my family has ruined his life. He won’t work. He dives around in his car all day listening to the radio then comes home to sleep for hours.
    I am forcing him out my family home. It will be terrible. I feel badly but he is drowning me financially and won’t seek work. I have taken him to counseling. He has meds but they aren’t enough. Our counselor thinks he is too far gone due to his “pride”.(He won’t seek adequate help.) I’m terribly sad, but I’m also ready to enjoy a real life.
    Pray that he won’t harm anyone. I used to love him with all my heart, but “he” is gone. Very sad – he was a self made man with an amazing IQ and made me laugh every single day…. that man is gone, and so am I.

  35. My wife became depressed and negative after our child died. It started the day after, when she exploded at me regarding every detail as I put together our child’s funeral (which was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do, even without my wife’s explosions).

    After several months, I learned that it was best if I didn’t mention anything that I did regarding our daughter’s affairs to her. In that way, I could avoid getting yelled at for relaying comments to her that came from the funeral director, tombstone maker, the police, the coroner or the probate court.

    I started avoiding her completely, because her negativity became overwhelming. I began to wonder if this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After a walk in which I heard her constant negativity, I mentioned that I was avoiding her when I could, and I suggested marriage counseling. She refused.

    This pushed me away even further.

    Frequently, when I brought up something that I wanted to discuss, such as a problem that we both needed to become involved in, her first comment was a negative one. Rather than have to deal with more negativity, I took care of these things myself. This included making repairs after a major flood, as well as helping our two surviving children to get into college and finding a way to pay for their college educations (I assisted our daughter in getting into an elite, $60K/year school for $12K/year, and our learning disabled son to get into the most expensive college in the country for 1/3 of the cost, without my wife’s assistance). These projects took an enormous amount of my time, and I frequently worked seven days a week, between work and these projects, and went 3 years without a vacation. I also became increasingly resentful, because my wife didn’t help, nor would she attend marriage counseling.

    Eventually, I lashed back at my wife (sorry, I’m no saint, and after the death of my daughter and a flood, was hurting emotionally myself). Not once did my wife ever offer me comfort or solace as I grieved the loss of our daughter. She became an emotionally suppressed stone.

    Three years later, she handed me divorce papers, spoke to the children for 15 minutes, and left three hours later, saying she was moving back in with her family 5 hours away and would never return. She blamed me for everything.

    She won’t speak to me (it’s been six months), or, surprisingly, won’t visit or reach out to our kids, one of whom still lives with me. Both have been traumatized by the loss of their sister, and now their mother.

    Although I can take some credit for our marriage breaking up, my wife’s denial of her condition, and her refusal to seek treatment caused me to pull away from her. Although I worry about being lonely, about the effect of the kids, and the effect on my finances and ability to provide for my kids, I don’t miss the wife who emerged after our daughter died, a sorry, depressed and negative creature, much different from the one I married.

    Hopefully, she’ll emerge from this, but we’ll be divorced by then, and I’m going to go on with my life and take care of my kids.

    The moral of this is really to intervene early. Those who are depressed frequently don’t realize they are, or what they are doing to others. Listen if someone tells you that you have a problem. If your husband or wife suggest counseling, consider the request carefully, unless you want your marriage to end.

  36. “You used to do all these things with your friends, and you’ve just quit going for so long. I want to have people over, but you make excuses for why we can’t do it. And we don’t even go out anymore, nowhere — ever. I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to just have no life because you don’t like being social anymore. What in the world has happened to you?”

    You happened dear husband, I began to see that you did absolutely nothing but sit and watch television.

    I did all the work, all the cooking, cleaning, marketing, dishes, while you sat on the couch. You flirted with my friends, said inappropriate things, and embarrassed me endlessly.

    That’s why we have no social life to speak of, you love the attention and ability to monologue but only care about yourself. When you were told these things, you blamed them on me.

    You have never picked up a cup or done any of the needed repairs in this house, which is falling down. That’s why we have no friends over, I won’t do all the work anymore.

  37. Married 23 yrs. Married the love of my life. My true soul mate. Everything I was about was with him. Only as one. Then he had a breakdown over 1 year ago and our relationship changed 360 degrees.

    Now I realize you come to this earth alone, and you die alone.

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