I have noticed that for most of my life I have felt this strong desire, almost a need at times, for those around me to understand what I am going through. This happens particularly with those I am closest to and particularly given certain situations.
For example, if I am going through a challenge, I want a loved one to understand to some degree what it feels like. I tend to believe that if I explain something very well, I can enable them to grasp what is going on.
The problem is that I am not always able to make someone else understand. And if I get them to, I notice the topic comes up again in a couple weeks and I find myself having to start over, this time much more frustrated that they are just not listening.
We all have different reasons for wanting to be understood. But many of them are similar. And so I share my own situation because I know that many others feel the way I have. For me, I realize that the one big reason I have wanted others to understand me is I wanted approval and validation. I wanted a sense that they don’t blame me for what I am experiencing, they know that it is typical (as I know it is), they fully accept it and they still think well of me.
Simply, I have had a need for approval.
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.
Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.
Post a Comment:
Copyright © 1995-2013 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Site last updated: 23 May 2013
|
Jade, this is a common enough pathology. Especially here in the west where life starts with both parents often taking off for long work days and leaving us to other family members or day care. In some such cases having parents who were over protective and constantly reminding you that “if you do that you are going to get hurt” leads a young child to start the process of only feeling secure when they have an outside validation. Another possibility to this type is the complete opposite of behaviors is parent who are not there mentally or emotionally. This can lead a child to start making sure he has their attention before he or she acts. Constantly looking for some way to get their attention. The later path often leads to more disruptive behavior as the child has to try harder and harder to get attention. Not finding it, they seek attention from anybody that will give it to them.
Of course my personal theory tends to trace this desire for attention to ensure security all the way back to the moment one is born. In the wild of our ancestors, if parents lost attention of the newborn, it would be at great risk to predators. And the closer to that moment the person was denied that attention, the more profound the chance they develop a “neediness”. But, it’s just a theory.
The interesting thing about this sort of advice – be yourself, don’t worry what others thing – is that it is *completely counter to how we are designed as social animals*.
Any study of chimpanzee behaviour will show you what happens when one member does something the group doesn’t approve of – they get attacked. A recent Jane Goodall program shows a dead chimp, killed just because he didn’t exhibit normal social skills when interacting with one of the big males.
Pariahs and outcasts are common in social animal groups, eg. wolves and wild dogs. To be a social outcast means expulsion from the group and death.
So what are we now? Social animals, or trying too hard to be something else? Is this “be yourself” stuff just a way of trying to deal with the natural subconscious stress of being different to your peers?
Maybe individualism, not caring about the opinions of others, is actually the *wrong* direction to head in. Perhaps we should be demanding the opposite – that our peers learn to accept us, as we should accept them.
Where, then, would be the need not to care?
Adam, I believe that Jade is saying not to care too much. Those of us with the need for constant approval, care way too much what other people think. Therefore, just taking that down a notch goes a long way toward healing.