Greg Downey, writing on the blog Neuroanthropology, has a lengthy commentary on a New York Times Magazine article exploring the research on (and the researchers who study) human female sexuality. Naturally, such a complex human behavior is going to take pages to explore, and the …
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Women’s sexual desire is also heavily influenced by early experiences in her family of origin– particularly experiences with touch, and with emotional, physical, and sexual trauma.
I have been studying and writing about what makes a woman desire sex FOR HERSELF (not just for the thrill of being wanted.) Here are two examples of huge, missing pieces of the puzzle not discussed in the Times article. (1)The role of family in sexual development. Women learn about sexuality in their family of origin. I do not believe women’s sexual drive is only narcissistic– ie.simply wanting to feel wanted by another. A girl who had a safe, loving, appropriately touch-y family often grows to love sex because she loves feeling sexual and sensual pleasure in her body. For her, it hooks wonderful body-based memories. For women who grew up in a family where love, touch, empathy and trust were all connected, attachment to another person is often associated with longing to be touched. Being touched and feeling pleasure in one’s body is associated with safety.
(2)The biology of trauma. Past family-of-origin trauma interferes with sexual desire—often most strongly in secure, committed relationships. Violence is commonplace in American families. Interesting that all the studies and statistics indicate that 30% of women feel no desire. As it happens, around that number of women have grown up in families where they experienced or witnessed emotional, sexual, or physical abuse; ergo, the connection between safety, trust, love, the body, and body boundaries is broken.
For women who experienced sexual or physical abuse, or even for women who WITNESSED physical abuse, being touched is a landmine. It can set off the fight/flight reaction. For most women, the traumatic memories are dissociated from one’s “normal” self. Trauma is stored in the body. Sometimes, it feels safer to have sex with strangers. But it can be very threatening to be sexual once you are committed, “trapped.” Sex is one of the most intense, intimate physical experiences two people can share.
Women who remember being sexually abused do know their own trauma history. But women who experienced or witnessed physical or emotional abuse don’t think of themselves as having been sexually traumatized.
Past the “lust” stage in the relationship, women from emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive families are often unconsciously ambivalent about dependence and attachment. They can’t decide if it is safe to be profoundly intimate with another human being. This shuts down “sex drive” very effectively.
Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.
SexSmart.com
I can’t tell you how surprised and pleased YOUR commentary makes me as well. I have totally lost patience with the inevitable conclusion in these sorts of articles that when women act like perfectly normal, diverse, and complex human beings, we’re insane and inexplicable. A lot of these commentators seem to feel that if women should be clockwork wind-up toys with no brain at all, and then they’d conclude that we were normal human beings.
When women act sane and normal, we’re called crazy, especially about sex. It’s ridiculous.
women always assume everything. thats why men have to think about what they say all the time. if they screw up. its done.
Women are like chicken to men, eat them and spit them out. What women want is sensitivity and caring. If you “the guy”, screws up by saying one thing, you will get dumped. Remember they have feelings too. Keep that in mind, and you will enjoy your relationship.