This guest article from YourTango was written by Jon Pease.
If you are married, you may have experienced a significant letdown after the wedding festivities were over. In my practice, couples often report that the day after the wedding they get into a big fight, and the honeymoon is suddenly ruined. Some say they never really recover from the blow out. In the rush of getting married, many of us forget to reflect on our internalized messages about marriage. These messages are unseen ‘ghosts’ who say, “I do” along with you.
These ghosts are born from our upbringing. They include family, cultural, and personal experiences that subconsciously tell us what marriage “is” or “isn’t” and what it “can” or “can’t be.” As a therapist, I know these ghosts can cause significant rifts between couples.
There are a broad range of reasons that justify fighting after a wedding. Fighting may be caused by sudden commitment stress after months of intense planning, money and intimacy fears or even hangovers. I believe there is a hidden reason some of these fights happen that is rarely discussed. This hidden reason comes from the male half of the partnership.
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As far as I am concerned, these issued did not appear after the wedding, but when our first child was born !
I took a couple of years off, then went back to work (with a higher position than my partner). For him, everything was ok. Normal to go back to work, normal to earn a good living, normal for him to contribute more at home for childare.
But all of this agreement was only theoretical, because in practice, he almost did not speak to me for about a year. He confided later than he had “a kind of depression”, having to grieve the loss of a woman always available at home for him, the loss of his free time because he did have to cook, clean, and take care of our son, and the loss of his financial superiority.
The therapist I had at the time helped me figure out the situation by telling me that there is a difference between what the mind is thinking, and what the gut is feeling. His mind agreed with the egalitarian stuff, but his gut was still longing for good old family rules, a woman at home to take care of his needs, and his role as the breadearner and here (just like mom and dad).
I understook better, but my answer still has been a loving “get over it!”.
Anyway, all of this to tell you, Jon,than sometimes the issue of “emasculation” (which is just in reality falling from your pedestal) does appear with full force at the birth of the first child !!!