This guest article from YourTango was written by Kate Evans.
When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know that they should try to move on. Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and leave them feeling invalidated.
So here are eight ways to help you support your friend in times of need.
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Thanks for a very helpful article. I’d like to add that the first holidays and other special events can be especially hard.
People often don’t contact a grieving person because they don’t know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing. It’s the contact that’s important, not saying the “right” thing.
Don’t be afraid to bring up a lost loved one’s name. Most people relish the opportunity to talk and tell stories.
Having lost a family member recently,
This is true. After the funeral people go on but you still feel the grief. I recently lost my dad and people don’t even ask me anything about it. Like it never happened. That hurts. Maybe people are afraid to ask but at least it shows your concerned.
Thanks for this helpful article. I would just add in the “ask them what they need” section that the grieving person often can’t think of what they need so sometimes it helps to make specific suggestions: “Can I take your dog for a walk?” “Would it help if I just sat here with you?” “Do you want to talk about him/her?” “Are you hungry? Let me get you something.”
I’d also like to echo the idea that everyone has their own way of grieving and their own timeline. Some people really are okay quite soon after the death and others grieve for much longer. Just make sure to gently check in and ask them, even if they say they are doing fine.
my brother died in ’95. i returned to my fifth grade classroom as soon as possible after the incident. i don’t remember crying. i don’t remember talking about my feelings. i do, however, remember, watching sitcomes like roseanne and mash every night with my mom and dad. sometimes, i would get my mother’s medicine for her– trazadone, lorazepam, and prozac. when the shows were over, either my dad or i would get her up, and push her up the stairs. “it’s time to go to bed, mommy. come on, mommy. let’s go to bed.” i SO wish someone had reached out to our family to suggest grief counseling. it couldn’t have hurt, and it might have done a lot of good. however, maybe they did, and my mom and dad were in too much pain to hear them.
Hi Liz
The loss of a child or sibling is a lifechanging event and your experience is not dissimilar from mine. My younger sister died when I was 12 and I was never asked how I felt. It was assumed that because I ‘looked’ ok, I was ok. I was so stunned by my sister’s death that I shut out most of my childhood memories and closed down my feelings because that was all I could do to cope with the intensity of what happened. I would always encourage friends and family to see how they can support the family even if they think they may be intruding on a private time – often this is when they need loving support more than ever before. 0ffering support or advice (such as the counselling you have mentioned) could help avoid causing more damage. I send you much love for your journey and invite you to visit my website http://www.loving-transformation where I offer support based on my own experiences.
Blessings
Ruby
Thanks for creating this list!
When someone dies we can’t know what another person is experiencing because each of us has our own experience. Supporting bereaved families in simple ways as suggested here is one of the best things you can do.
In the school community I belong to there is also support offered to famlies going through difficult times (such as long term illness, bereavement) in the form of meals cooked for them. When there is so much emotional distress going on, having a healthy meal every day which you don’t have to worry about shopping and cooking for is a huge blessing. It can be offered unobtrusively and yet the love that you feel for the family will be deeply felt and received.
This is the one thing I would add to the list.
Blessings
Ruby
Sometimes grief can be so intense that it disrupts the normal function in the brain. There is a treatment that can help the brain self-correct without side effects. It is achieved by the use of the hormone oxytocin. It does not interfere with grief processing, but it will help block obcessive negative thoughts and emotions.
I have trouble working out what to do with a colleague, whose husband has been terminally ill for over a year. For the past year I have been very supportive,listening every day to how she feels. He is away at the moment seeking alternitive treatment, and even though I understand she is in some sort of denial while he is not at home, her attitude now is quite vague and unresponsive when asked how he is doing.
I really dont feel liking picking up on her daily worries about him when he comes back home,as I feel a bit fed up with her attitude.
I would like to add that I lost a very close family member to suicide recently and feel enough is enough of others problems. I received no support from friends or colleagues when this horrible tragedy occurred, almost as though people didn’t beleive it didn’t happen