If an extreme narcissist were religious, he would worship himself. He would apply to himself the phrase that says, “You shall have no other gods besides ME!” Narcissists are full to the maximum… with themselves.
In my years of studying human nature and counseling many individuals, I have come across an amazing type of narcissist. This kind of narcissist is the one who is so seductive he makes you like or believe in him or her with your whole heart. In my personal opinion, this type is the most dangerous of all narcissists.
The following are some characteristics of this impressive little “god.”
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In your short time studying human nature, you never came across any women with these kinds of traits? You say “this kind of person” but the whole article is about men and their narcissistic patterns. You’ve left out roughly half the population. Am I missing something?
Ramiro,
I tried to mention both as in, “This kind of narcissist is the one who is so seductive he makes you like or believe in him or her with your whole heart”… or have some generic references, as in most of the last paragraph.
You are correct that there can be extreme narcissists on the female side also. I’ve seen plenty of them myself.
Thanks for the input.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Ramiro,
I didnt get that at all. I saw a portion which was an actual event recalled, but I think perhaps that may be what you missed?
It was a very good portrayal of any sex, not just men.
This is a very timely article for me to read as a friend of mine is in the process of uncovering a narcissist’s games and threats. There is a restraining order on him by two different women who were being used at the same time for his enjoyment. I appreciate very much the characteristics that you have discussed. One of the things this man did was to try to win me over and impress me because he “knows” I am a strong individual who would see right through him, and I did! He now hates me…. thank goodness!
Dr. Sam, I’ve read many of your narcissistic articles with interest. All articles not only by you but also by others, all focus on how to avoid or deal with the Narcissist person. However I’d love to know more about how to self-help or how therapist deal with the narcissistic personality. I am a narcissitic person, and I’ve come to realize this in recent months. I know I need some real help to avoid trashing more of the relationships I’ve gained. I have not located a good therapist in this areana, so would like to know more about some self-help/awareness type things. Thank you!
Mjs,
If you cannot find a psychotherapist/psychologist that has been successful working with “hungry to heal” narcissists, then here is what I recommend:
1. Try to find a 12-Step program that you can be part of. The 12-Steps, in my humble opinion, is the ultimate cure to the core of a narcissist.
2. Try to find your childhood “attachment” traumas that cause distrust and lack of safety and get someone who works with a model who finds the core memory event and can effectively reframe that kind of event to neutralize the effects. Dedicated practitioners who REGULARLY use such techniques as NLP, EFT, and EMDR could be a start. Traditional, Cognitive Behavioral approaches, in my opinion, don’t work effectively because they only treat symptoms and not the root where it all is controlled subconsciously.
To find therapists in your area you can type that work and add the abbreviations that I gave you and the name of the cities around you, including yours in Google and/or Psychology Today’s find a therapist website.
Hope that helps.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
a tad misandric but on what level does a person with high self esteem become a narcissist.? a great deal of the population have low self esteem., and you seem to have forgoten that by nature men are polygamous and women tend to be monogamous, but more than one will happily date the leader guy at a time, i know for a fact as i regualarly date 8 girls at a time. also are you sure you aren’t projecting your feelings from a previous realtionship/realtionships.?
Mr. Question (funny),
You are correct that a healthy self-esteem could be confused with narcissism. Too little self-love = low self-esteem. I agree. As for projecting my issues? Not on the level you implied. Maybe I do that with other areas, as we all do (observer bias, and counter-transference Vs. transference).
Thanks for your comments.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
I have read enough CBT books to know that love is not a “need” for adults. We will not die without love. And the idea that someone is a narcissist without love only sets people up. We criticize those who are love addicts and demand to be loved, and now we’re demonizing those who don’t chase love. Or who decide it isn’t worth the headache of dealing with people.
And believe it or not, narcissists don’t need to be healed to make contributions to others. Just look at the late Steve Jobs.
Robin,
It is difficult for me to specifically understand some of your points without having you in front to ask more exact questions.
I’m not sure what you mean about humans not needing love to survive. In one sense, you are correct. You can survive but as “What”? A shell of a person? A person who cannot give or connect? Cold?
Or we if take the opposite side would that be surviving failed loves?… Being desperate and famished to be loved but not finding it?
Biologically, we might survive. My model of health is based on a holistic model which says that if you are emotionally sick you WILL be eventually physically sick and maybe die. I believe that if you don’t process, talk, resolve your emotions then they get stored neurologically in specific areas that, in turn, start to break down your body. Your body starts to talk and eventually scream at you.
So, can we survive not having love? Maybe… Just my opinion.
Thanks for joining in. I appreciate it.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Dr. Sam,
Well..It feels as though I have been stung. My body physically and mentally and emotionally is withdrawing from this toxic man. I have done womb work,therapy,recovery, have an intimate relationship with Christ. I was brutually honest about what I saw in him, he always denied it, till 2 years later. I caught him sexting, he finally admitted. Then I left. Our Christian counselor said that we needed to separate.
She said he needed not be in any relationship for a year.This is really about my childhood that I have been healing from the last 12 years.
I am tired of choosing sick me. I know we meet people where we are at, yet I have done so much self discovery.
I could not live with him any more. I packed my things and moved out. He has a 12 year old daughter who called me mommy. I am no longer speaking with her either.
I believe it was the healthiest option. I am mourning. He was exactly who I saw in that first date when he was objectifying women in front of me, I spoke it out, yet I did not turn around and move on. What is that called?
Thank you for your very interesting article, I look forward to reading more.
I am in love with a woman who is not my wife, i also still feel love for my wife. When my wife found out about the other woman she asked me how it was that it could happen, i told her that I was an egoist and narcissistic. The words just came out of my mouth, I’d never thought of myself that way. I always felt that I was simply reacting to situations, trying to please others and feeling resentful. When I was young my mom told me she had never wanted me, that she was too old to have me. I feel that at some point I learned how to use my pain as a way to attract people to me and gain their love, I always felt that my love for them was genuine, now I cannot separate real from fantasy.
Douglas,
That is quite courageous of you to share. You are on your way to healing by starting to admit you are a narcissist and became one as part of your survival mechanism. The next step is to find yourself a VERY competent therapist who understands narcissism well and has a healing model that finds the original traumas of your childhood and, therefore, uses highly effective methods to reframe, neutralize, and reprogram your hurts and beliefs. Someone who is competent and regularly uses such modalities as NLP, EFT, and even EMDR (It can help but the first two, in my opinion are better and easier) can be of tremendous help to you.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Although I agree that it is best to try to avoid Narcissists, I do not think that exposing them as such leads to much change. I do believe that Narcissism is formed out of a Nature/Nuture combination and not simply from a childhood wound. Sure, Narcissists know they are different, but have no real desire for deep introspection as that would require for them to drop the grandous visions they have of themselves. It is much easier, when faced with a Narcissistic wound, to blame the other person as having something wrong with him/her and find other sources of supply who are willing to along with his act. Whether this means reaching back into a vault of old victims or finding new victims, as long as he can maintain his special status there is no real need for change.
This article was very good.
But there is an assertion made that narcissists can heal. This is implication is more dangerous than the article on the Narcissist itself. This disorder is of the Cluster B type and is NOT curable, nor redeemable. If a “narcissist”, one of whose core traits are LACK OF EMPATHY, GUILT OR REMORSE,it is NOT POSSIBLE for change.
It is my hope that you can see that implying this concept to your articles, fills victims with false hope and sets them up for increasing danger.
So, to victims of the narcissist: A true narcissist cannot change. The personality disorder is entrenched. If there is a small level of empathy or conscience within the Cluster B, it is not true narcissism. This “change” would take years and years and isn’t worth the time wasted upon such a person.
Just my perspective.
Katie,
With all due respect to your wonderful concern in helping people…
Traditional treatments cannot cure an extreme narcissist. Most narcissists cannot be cured. I will not say you can NEVER cure an extreme narcissist because I have seen extreme narcissists cured when they are broken and see that brokenness. So, if I could clarify my position I would say that an extremely broken and enlightened narcissist has hope of becoming a genuinely caring and unselfish person. My model is based on accumulated wounds that affect the person’s ability to trust, attach, and give back and forth. To say that these wounds can NEVER be healed, as standard academia/dogma seems to push (I teach at the undergrad and grad level)is to be stuck in a model of hopelessness. I attribute the incapacity of the status quo in healing narcissists as simply having a very limited healing paradigm and treatment methodology. If you put on different glasses you see things you did not see before.
I hope I clarified a little here. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
So True. I am so damaged from my narcisstic Mother I had reached a stage of such extreme emotional trauma that no contact is the only option. She will never change because she cannot
I think my husband is a narcissist and I am sure my 18 year old son is. I have issues of my own, very low self esteem as I was regularly verbally abused by my mother, and was never hugged or told I was loved (and I do mean never) but I don’t think I am narcissistic. I know that someone with a healthy childhood would not have married my husband in the first place and certainly would not have “put up” with some of the things he has done over the years. As you can imagine, my husband and I have not been great parents, I have shown my son love, but I have been a weak parent in many ways. My husband seemed incapable of showing our son love when he was a very young child, he has “warmed up” somewhat to our son, but of course now our son makes it difficult for us to warm up to him, he has behavioiur issues for sure, that seem text book narcissist based on what I am reading. Basically, my question is, is there an element of genetics involved as well as learned behaviour? My son has been very emotionally hurt by his childhood but if there is a genetic component can that be healed?
I’m married to a narcissistic, everything I’ve read on the subject is him,there has been times over the years that I thought I was crazy but learnt it was his manipulating making me feel that way, I fell for his charm 17 yrs ago it only took a year after marrying him and the control started. The women the lies,I was made to feel I was imagining things, he is very good with words, he walks into a store or restaurant could be anywhere he has this demanding way people should jump to his every whim.I left him once but fell into the trap and came back to him after a year unfortunately.We have twin 11 year old boys they cry out for his attention he has no time for them he is so self absorbed, one of my sons asked me why doesn’t daddy want to come home, it’s all very sad I’m 56 and tired of this but don’t have the strength to leave again… Help
what an intriguing creature…
Hi,
Most of what I read above is Me. I am a narcissist. I’m completely aware of my Narcissistic persona. I don’t know how to put this but I usually find myself as divided. I’m not aware what my real self is but I often find myself trying to be the best, the admired, the One- as it were. I don’t believe in harming people but revenge is something I have to take. I feel the need to have complete power and influence over everyone around me. I am obsessed with trying to read people, getting to know their psychology to use it unto my advantage. Toward my enemies or people who have hurt me, I don’t believe in harming physically; but getting into their heads, messing up their minds, using psychology to their ruin. I don’t trust anyone. My behaviour varies from person to person. With some I am the well– teddy bear kind person. While others say I have a lot of attitude and pride, and I don’t speak with them. By the way, I’m 19, just in case. I am very ambitious and the fact that I can’t get what I want in life to be super-successful pisses me tremendously. My brain is hardly ever at rest. Sleep never comes till I am very tired.
The weird thing is I don’t find my narcissism as wrong. In fact the sense of power it gives me makes me feel great. I make it clear to people that I am a narcissist. That makes it even difficult to manipulate. And I like that. In a sense, more challenging. Okay. SO that is what I’ll tell you about myself. Also, I Never talk about the deepest part of me. I can narrate any lies cuz I believe every word I say. I believe in everything I try/want to be.
What do you have to say about me?
Also, I have this thing for being the Evil person. Weird? The good yet Evil person. Bah! I’m weird.
Have a ? Or 2 for u. When u say …you usually find your self divided, I’m courious to know divided between what? So, would u be able to toss me an example of a situation when u remember feeling that way, and when not as well as divided by the number of
Hey Ivan! I am worken on a response for u. Will have it posted by dinner time! Have a great day and B-have!!! Lol
I am a victim of a very skilled narcissist. He fed me lie after lie and manipulated me to no end. These monsters are VERY dangerous. Run run run far away! They want to and have the capability to destroy you.
Article is good, but I take great issue with the last paragraph. Being exposed will make a narcissist do everything in his power to destroy the person who has exposed him, and even level anyone who saw the exposure! It is dangerous to paint a picture of an exposed narcissist deciding to deal with his pain and learning to “love”-I think it was actually irresponsible to convey that notion. People reading this will think that “exposing” them will “help” them, when in reality they are in for a rude awakening. It’s called a personality disorder for a reason; personality disorders have no history of being healed or cured, and anyone trying this scenario out will be one hurtin’ turkey. The most you can hope for is to outwit a narcissist, and even that requires a measure of skill, objectivity and detachment that most people can’t achieve, especially if they’ve come under the narcissist’s spell. And forget about compassion, etc. Narcissists have become the way they are by making decisions, over a long time, to do what pleases them by lying, manipulating, cheating, and hurting. They may have been “wounded” at some point, but many wounded people don’t become narcissists because they make decisions over time to deal with their pain in more constructive and responsible ways. Narcissists find early that they can satisfy themselves quickly by underhanded means and then continue in that vein, until they destroy their own conscience. They want to be the way they are-don’t waste your compassion and get sucked in by this “wounded child” nonsense.