This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Margaret Paul.
Is your relationship in trouble? The first question you should ask yourself is: Do I want to save this relationship or do I want to leave it? If the answer is that you want to save it, then this article is for you.
The following are seven rules or choices that you can make to completely change the course of your relationship.
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Great insight & valuable advice!I especially like the third point.Men often prefer to sweep issues under the carpet.OK,the wife will try to solve the issue unilaterally,but isn’t it likely to close the communication channels somewhat?
Often, when we take loving care of ourselves rather than try to get the other person to join us in solving the problem, it actually opens the communication. Learning to speak your truth in the moment without blame can also be a big help.
most people cant truly decide rather or not they really want to stay or leave. I think they get caught in the make my partner promise they will change and i will sit on the fence and see what they do before i truly re commit to this. They stay out of fear,money,kids,so stay in the above state instead of just leaving and saving both partners from a lack luster relationship.
I agree – people are often so afraid to be alone that they tolerate unloving relationships. However, since we take ourselves with us into our next relationship, it is wise to do one’s own learning before moving on.
I think this is great advice even for a relationship that isn’t sinking. Every relationship really faces the moments of dealing with our own worthiness, working through conflict, etc., and I think these are phenomenal points for how to be a strong person and a growing partner throughout. Thank you for the wonderful advice – this is one I’ll be printing and saving!
Jen, thanks for your kind words. I’m pleased that the article is helpful to you.
Openning of communication channels in my view and experience comes only next to self inner bonding. But often people are held back by their ego, and fear of being engulfed by the other in control. That inner fear shuts off the would be communication even when the hearts of both are willing. One other thing I have learned from this forum that is very important is the issue of open hearts vs closed hearts analogous to children (nature) vs Adults nature.
This is wholly true. It salvages the sane person from emotional pain. But if only one partner is innerbonding, salvation is to that person not always to the relationship. The focus of this article is most, I repeat MOST BENEFICIAL if both partners read it and work through self. If only one of them, it only saves the relationship if the person is the “KEY” holder in the conflict. Otherwise one will subject and expose himself/herself into continual anxiety as you wait for your partner to do their inner bonding. It NONETHELESS benefits the person who takes the steps. More so to the extent that the other person (failing to embrace inner bonding) suspects that you have a comfort zone (SECRET) elsehere eg a secret relationship; this may escalate the conflict and continual spying by your partner. But all said and done, the focus of this forum on SELF-TALK and non controlling behaviour should be commended as it works always to them that desire a better and healthier mental self.
James, it is my experience in working with couples for 43 years that, since relationships are a system, when one person changes their end of the system, the system often changes for the better. Of course it is very beneficial when both people are doing Inner Bonding, but one person doing it can create much growth in the relationship.
I agree fully on the role of one partner in opening a deadlock. A road block prohibits entry from both ways; But an opening from either end creates access for both. But courage and love are required. Thanks.
This is a very remarkable article. I am 3.5 weeks into IB practice. And ´keeping my eyes on my own plate´ is key. In some sense, I am my own significant other. It may sound odd. But I am learning about the depths of my own fears, and how I create my problems with ´the other´ no matter how they are. I have hopes,dreams,and a vision of being a man capable of great loving relationships. But I have to deeply re-learn what it means to take responsibility for me (emotionally, financially, and spiritually). This challenges me. I see how much of my relationship cycles are based on dis-trust and fear. AND it is amazing the depth of relational inconsistency I have caused myself. Though I get better, and I want to plea forgive-ness of my mistrust and fear to my significant other for letting it get in the way of what was already good. I realize all the more that is non-sense. I, Max, am responsible for working thru forgiving myself, and un-regretfully taking the next loving actions. It is very hard, I am not good at this, nor perfect. I have got oodles to learn about good parenting behavior. Thank God I am single and child-less still. And thank Margaret for her commitment and IB.
i definately agree
Thanks for your comment Max. I’m very glad to hear that you are embracing the path of personal responsibility!
I definitely agree with the whole perspective of the article. I know that as a man it’s easier for us to push the problem under the rug rather than facing confrotation with with significant others. I feel that even with steps to save a sinking relationship sometimes you have to step outside the box in order to truly gain an understanding of your relationship. Honestly, women may sometimes over generalize and over think their relationships to the point where the man can become resistant and distant to the idea of a long lasting relationship. Great Perspective though.
Ray, thanks for your comment. I agree that sometimes women analyze and process things too much – which is just another form of control. That’s why a man may become resistant – no one likes to feel controlled.
Thanks for this, I think it can really help me with my partner, we both do some of these things. What do I do if sometimes I get emotional when I think about her past with other men ? Please help, but thank you very much for this !
Josh, you need to explore what you are telling yourself that causes you to be upset about her past. Are you telling yourself something that makes you feel insecure? Is there some way you are judging yourself? Her past will not concern you when you are valuing yourself.
To be honest we were madly in love for 11 months, then she ‘accidently’ got drunk and slept with a guy, then told mee she hadn’t, then she saw him for a week but assured me it wasn’t sexual. Later I found out she slept with him and she admitted it, but still claimed the week she saw him she was just drinking and hanging out. We broke up, and now 3 months later we got back together.ive been with her for 2 months now and I love her, but I can’t forget what happened. I also found out she slept with my best friend while we were apart. Now I always need to know where she is, who she’s talked to and if she’s seen any guys -every day. Please help me
Josh, the problem is that she is not an honest or trustworthy person. You either need to let go of this relationship, or accept that she is likely to cheat on you and stop worrying about it. You are trying to control her, and this isn’t going to work.
Thank you for these ideas, I really hope that my partner will read them and accept my effort to heal our relationship.
We now are in a really rough patch for almost an year now, we love each other but we don’t seem to be on the same level in fights. We know what to do but something is missing and now we get tired of fighting over useless things and get paranoid by the tone we speak, by the words, etc. We are desperate, yet we don’t know what to do next, it seems like the same thing persists and doesn’t have an end.
How can we work it out both ways? Or find at least a way we don’t fight anymore? Basically we fight because we don’t want to fight anymore.
If you have any useful tips, anything, it would be very welcomed. Thank you.
Ok me and my gf have been together over two years 4months well she wants me to put trust in her but I put trust in her not to do things but she did them anyways now she barely fry’s to come see me and she stays up all night even if I stay up waiting to see if she’s gonna talk to me but its hard because she picks her family and rly everybody else over me I just don’t no what to do I don’t wanna lose her because we’ve done so much
What happens If the person has hurt you for their action and irresponsible intentions and never admits their fault and using the “I feel” methods and it just turns out even more into a bigger fight and I love this man with every fiber I have yet puts me in a position where I cannot trust him when he says he will do something and doesn’t do it. It hurts a lot. Especially knowing I cannot afford a car and he has one i have important appointments like doctors appt. I have to cancel cause he tells me “it’s not my appointment.” He tells me he will do it and doesn’t do it. Blame me for it, It’s frustrating and stressful. I start to scream, nag, and say some Nasty things. I cannot go to him for it because he never wants to hear it. It’s exhausting.,,,I don’t know what to do.
Hello all, I assume you are all here for the same reason. It is natural to reach out to even complete strangers, when feeling lost and alone. I would like to share my experience and knowledge with you. I know it will help, however, it is not easy. Some time ago I was in the position of being “left” by a person that I love very much. Ours was a love story that brought us all over the world, through thick and thin, she wasn’t just my lover she was my best friend. We fell into an international beurocracy nightmare that left us apart for nearly a year. A year of electronic communication. However, this is not about long distance relationships exclusively. It’s about fear and love, I as well as she were slowly infected with fear based emotions. (Attachment, control, jelousy, indulgence, distrust, etc). Then one day she called and “broke up” with me. I was familiar with the concept from both sides. However, I was not going to let it go down like that. Once I had realized that she was really gone, something happened. I was left with the true, boundarie-less, agape unconditional love for her. That was the day I experienced Love for the first time. I realized that I didn’t care: who she was with, what she ever had done, how far away she was, nor if I ever saw her again. I just wanted to support her and who she was, to support her in whatever made her happy. Even if her happiness was with another man. The feeling was so strong and so overcoming that I burst with understanding, enthusiasm, as well as the pain of realizing too late to save our partnership.
So for 2 weeks I desperately attempted to contact her like a demented stalker. No matter how much her family told me to stop, or the fact that she was seeing someone else, nor any force could stop me from telling her of the love I had found and the love that would never end. Finally, early one morning she called. When the time was right, I told her of the ever flowing love and support that I have for her person, happiness, and fulfillment. I told her that I support her descision the explore her new relationship, because all I wished for was her happiness. I told her that, no matter the time nor circumstance, she would always have me, and never need feel alone. That she would always have a fan on her court, a soldier on the battlefield, and that I would be the last man standing because… I believe in her. In that moment, she got it. And with it all the pain, resentment, blame, heartbreak, jealousy, and fear melted away like a castle of sand. We both were experiencing love for the first time. Love, so beautiful and miraculous, had healed years of wounds and prevented a life time of unresolved guilt, sadness, and wonder.
Though we are not together now, we still talk regularly, always expressing our love and appreciation for each other. She still remains one of my closest friends and family. We even have been talking about starting a family. Though still, we are calm patient, and at ease. Because we know that love, true love, never ends. And the rest of the story has yet to be told….
Even writing this now I cry… Love is so amazing and powerful. I can’t believe that i only recently learned what it was. All I can do is thank god that my spirit sister Susana and I are beyond reason, circumstance, or doubt…. Deeply in love and no matter the condition, will be forever.!
Good luck guys… Remember, no one owes you anything, but you owe them everything! Find love and you shall have peace… God bless!
Interesting article. In practice i recognize point two the most. Experiences from the past keep coming up. In my opinion it is a lot more difficult to ‘let the past go’ then writing it down on paper (and saying it to yourself). Anyone knows a good article about this topic?
My Name is Mrs Angela, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both blessed with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he started sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he no longer pick up my calls and nothing good since to come out from him. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr. Orinoko cast a spell for me, now he is back with me and me only. And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email, orinokosolutiontemple1@ gmail. com