Comments on
Friends with Benefits

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

One of my dearest female friends is in a relationship with a friend of her own. It’s not an unhealthy relationship, but the man has made it clear to my friend that it has a definite ending as he needs to move away for a …

69 Comments to
Friends with Benefits

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. The comments below begin with the oldest comments first. Click on the last comments page to jump to the most recent comments.

  1. hey…
    I have this guy friend in college whom I became really tight with we were really close till we *cliche*went out 1 nyt had a few and ended up in the sack.it was very awkward the next morning and at college,we spoke less I felt really bad cause I started developing feelings for him,and was to shy to speak to him about.After a few months it happened again but we were sober and the whole awkward thing happened again..then he started talking to me and being nice again,that led to a nother lustful night..now I feel like I am letting him use me and I don’t kno whether to call this a FWB situation..??

  2. I would never ever engage into this kind of relationship “Friends with Benefits”….oops i hope i won’t eat back my words for this…But let’s admit it,most women if not all are more emotionally attached when it comes to having sex.

  3. I am currently in a FWB relationship and at first I just thought my friend was trying to be friendly so that he could have sex with me, which would have obviously been unneeded since I already agreed to the terms of the involvment.I asserted that it was unneccessary thinking I would be relieving him of an unpleasant “pleasantry” and he actually got offended that I wasnt interested in the actual friend as opposed to the benefits.So I began to be more present in the platonic moments and now Ive developed feelings for him…he admitted that he wouldnt have suggested having sex with me if he didnt already like me, but why suggest being “friends with benefits” if he already had feelings for me? Overall its confusing and I probably wont be doing this again once this runs its course.

  4. I had a great FWB relationship, and went into it knowing that it would be a FWB relationship, and no more, since I knew he was married. We worked together, at night, in quite a physically active environment, and the sex at the end of the night was just the culmination of a night of endorphin rushes for both of us. I learnt a lot from him, for which I was very grateful, when I finally met the man of my dreams, and the FWB willingly stepped out of my life when I did meet The One.
    I do believe, however, that I am heavily weighted in the testosterone area, so I could go into such a relationship, looking at it only as an activities relationship, like playing a game of tennis together, and not become emotionally involved. The irony is that the man I am with now, does not seem to be someone who could be involved in a sexual relationship with no love involved. Horses for courses, i guess

  5. a dying guilt culture needs to be destroyed

    Unfortunately, US psychology can’t get beyond cultural “norms” based on xian dogma and the enforcement of guilt-based indoctrination concerning sexual practice.

    1. Enforcement of (right-wing xian) “morals” — from murder of abortion providers to total control over women and children — male supremacist lies wrapped in xian dogma.

    2. Romantic “love” — starts as a game for courtiers in 12th c. southern France and southern Italy, spreads northward via (St.) Francis and Dante (13-14th c. Italy) to the rich merchant class. Now, a dominant unquestioned world-wide commonplace still filled with xian misogyny and male supremacism.

    “Love” is a construct — a model for sexual behavior, a cultural theory marked by deep associations with xian dogma. “Love” is therefore not written in our genes; complex social behavior is simply not written in the nature of reality.

    the anti_supernaturalist

  6. I’m female, and didn’t enter into my first sexual relationship until well past 30. No one was interested, and I had to initiate everything. Now at 35, I’m in a FWB arrangement with a guy in his 50s. I’m sick and tired of being told I’m too independent or selfish. I’ve gotten here on my own because no one wanted to be a part of my life. I pay my own bills and take responsibility for my own feelings. I’m not jealous of him or his other friends, and in fact it makes me feel good when he’s happy, irregardless of when it’s been with me or not. Compersion takes maturity and not everyone can feel it.

    • Just because your past was bad does not mean your future will be, and your future begins now. It can be different to your past. Don’t make the mistake of undervaluing and perhaps underestimating your friend.

  7. I’m a single mother of two kids under the age of three. I’m in a fwbr and it’s been hard. He and I have had some bad relationships. He’s in the national guard and for every soldier that gets deployed a lot of them get a dear john letter. Three years ago while he was deployed his ex fiance faked her death. He didn’t find put until four months after he got home. It messed him up. He says he has feelings for me, but doesn’t want a relationship because of the fear of being hurt again. I feel myself falling for this amazing man, but i’m afraid of him pushing me away, so I stick to our agreement. Even though we don’t see others, I sense something is there, but he’s afraid. I need help understanding this. I’d appreciate any good advice. Thanks.

  8. Hi,

    I have recently noticed that my boy friend is seeing other woman. He is very caring about me but I can not understand the reason of his behavior. I told him that I know about his secret relationship with other woman but he totally ignored it, I know that in my absence they meet, but his feelings about me has not changed, the same nice, caring person, I have lost my desire to be intimate with him… do you think that I should leave him?

  9. I have 2 fwb-I am more attracted to one than the other-one is married and the other has a live in relationship with someone else—-I feel like I am being used due to the fact they each want the benefits and I get NO friendship—neither one , ever asks me out or wants to go to a movie or other activity–I am not looking for marriage, but would like to feel alittle more appreciated. If I turn them down for sex–they make me feel guilty-not sure what to do?????

    • Chugger, not to be mean but you are not in a friends with benefits relationship. Both men are using you for a booty call and you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship.

      Find someone else who will appreciate you more. Good luck.

  10. Very few people, friends, can have this type of friendship without getting emotionally involved. One of the sides will get involved and eventually hurt so if two ppl have different relationship goals, they.should remain friends only, without benefits because dear, having sex with the same person, over and ver and not bonding, it is impossible.

  11. I have 3 fwbs, one is new however. And I met with him.yesterday.
    We have been cool since my old work place, as we worked together, n before I left he told me he really liked me. He has a girlfriend, and I know her, and though he has never done anything like this before, he jumped me! Not in a bad way, but he said he couldn’t fight his feelings for me, and we kissed, and went far. I do like this guy, and he is sweet. He was so nervous, I had to calm.him down! I knew things would get that far.
    my other fwbr, is an old friend/neighbor and we have had sex quite a few times without any feelings n.attachments. he is in a relationship with someone, but wants to have sex with me, and also wants me to have his baby! So b a secret baby momma!
    My other fwbr, is 16yrs older than me (I’m 33 and he is 47). He lives in the USA, and we met mutually through a friend. But things became sexual, and we r friends. Good friends, but I know where I stand with this man. Our fwbr will never change, and he understands me.
    I have recently gotten out of a 2yr relationship with someone who didn’t appreciate me, and also lied to me about loving me, so now I am.single I do not want a relationship.
    fwbr seems to work for me.
    whether I find actual happiness remains to b seen. But, I am happy to just b on my own.

  12. I notice that most poster are women, and I didn’t notice men sharing their experience. Hmm, I wonder why.

  13. Its possible to get emotionally uninvolved you just have to stay focused and often seeing other people helps.

  14. Its possible to stay emotionally unattached, you just have to know what you want out of the relationship. If you dont know what you want then you are screwed.

  15. No two people are identical, and in a relationship – be it FWB or not – the feelings each party has for the other are rarely equal; somebody always feels more than the other and is more liable to get hurt.

    In my case, I’m seeing an ‘absolutist’ woman who seems emotionally unavailable too, and who more and more seems to be moving in the direction of a FWB situation. Although she’s still a virgin, the dry humping and pseudo-sex is great with hours spent on foreplay where all the fun really is (clothes on, no genital or breast touching). Surprisingly, I’ve had multiple orgasms with her, but that’s hardly the issue although it could colour my judgement a little.

    My problem is, I’m in love with her but she appears not to be with me, but she never says anything about her feelings, motivations, or needs, and lately it has felt more and more like I am being used. Friends say I should move on, but I can’t because I see something in her that attracts me intensely: the real person inside her outward image, not the one scared off all relationships by a traumatic ending of her intense first love.

    Using the definition in your article it does appear I am in a FWB situation from her point of view; and I’m the one getting hurt as I wait for her to (perhaps, one day, maybe) recover her ability to commit.

    So, to all those of you who think you are in a FWB situation with no ties and no hurt, believe me, the hurt is there, you just can’t see it or feel it. That’s why IMO jealousy is an issue in a FWB; the more non-FWB party will always be jealous of the lovers of the FWB party.

  16. It is possible to get emotionally attached if it continues pass one month and you spend quite a bit of time together. This happened to me and what makes it difficult is that we work in the same building and run into each other often. Ultimately I had to end it because I started to develop strong feelings for him and even though he expressed that he did not have a problem staying emotionally unattached, I had a problem staying unattached. He indicated that he was not ready for the sex part of our relationship to end and it hurt me to bring it to a close but it needed to be done. If you can do it good for you, if you can not and believe your feelings may get involved, think twice. Someone will definitely start to develop feelings in the FWB situation if you spend enough time with them and most of the time, not all of the time, it can end really bad and someone will get hurt.

    • miss C i am in a fwb relationship and im only 18 hes its been going on for 2months now! i just need some advice i think i got myself caught up in something and i dont know how to get out! please respond asap.

Join the Conversation!

Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines.

Post a Comment:


(Required, will be published)

(Required, but will not be published)

(Optional)

Recent Comments
  • Katerina: What are the causes of ODD? Bad parenting; instability, neglect, and abuse. Take a look in the mirror...
  • Mayur: Tom, Allopathic doctors(so called great Psychiatrists) will not be able to do it for you. I have had...
  • SI: The monstrous PTSD fraud squanders funds needed for legitimate illness. A damned shame!
  • pink424: This sounds like a handout from the DBT workbook. I hope she gives Marsha Linehan some credit in that book....
  • Kleia: I disagree with you to an extent, but not fully. There are three generations of Cluster B personality...
Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter


Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code