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“The teen years tend to foster fear: fear that our child will fail, over-experiment, embarrass us [and] become depressed,” according to John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.
So naturally it’s tough to figure out the best way to navigate such a seemingly tumultuous time. (By the way, the belief that teens are a nightmare is exaggerated. While the years aren’t easy-peasy, Duffy said that they’re rewarding and filled with growth.)
But parenting from a place of fear rarely works. It leads to poor parenting decisions, Duffy said. Below, he shares his insight on outdated approaches, why they don’t work and what does.
1. Lecturing. “Parents still think they can lecture kids into submission, or at the very least compliance,” Duffy said. But it can backfire, because teens may just “blow their parents off.” Lecturing might’ve worked a generation ago, but it doesn’t today, he explained. How come? Today’s teens are “more worldly and savvy.” And “As [teens] grow up more quickly in this media age, they question authority more readily than we did, and require more two-way, respectful communication.”
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I’ve often thought it a little ironic that, while we claim to want our children to be independent from an early age, the developmental periods when children in fact seek out independence, i.e. the “terrible twos” and the teen years, are the stages that parents most dread.
It helps to remember, when the pull away from us, that separation is actually a good thing. It also helps to remember that separation does not have to equal rebellion. That depends, at elast in part, on how much we give them to rebel against.
You know, I believe that the key to raising children in general is a simple formula. Set boundaries, and no matter how anxious they make you when they approach those boundaries, you must let them walk up next to them. Make sure the boundaries are rational. The phrase, “because I say so” is not acceptable at any age. You must be able to explain a boundary, if that isn’t enough then “because I said so” is warranted. You have to be able to let them make mistakes. Stand ground on the ones that will affect their safety of alter their life adversely. Never lie to them. No matter how young they are. They must be able to trust the information you give them is accurate. We are so caught up on insisting out young children believe in Santa Clause and the Easter bunny. Adults tend to play it off as “it happened to me and I am fine” when their devastated children find out. Rewards go a lot further then punishments. Be the example!! Do not do in front of your child anything that you don’t want them to do. Teenagers are often struggling to become seen as “adults”. “Monkey see, monkey do” is often the method tried to assert this. If you tell them all their life that, “this drink/ activity/ behavior” is only for adults. Don’t be surprised when they start to do them when they want to be seen as “adults” and “independent”. Instead, take a class and let them see you studying. Talk to your kid. You should be comfortable talking to your kid about drugs and bad behavior long before they reach their teen years. I would say to start before they even understand you. It will feel more natural when they do. Last, as the author says. Be there. It should feel natural for your child to have you around.
Most of this article makes perfect sense. I can recall being that rebellious teen about six or seven years ago, and what my reactions were to all of these things.
What bothered me was the suggestion to occasionally draw up contracts. I think that perhaps the parent can think of it as a contract, if that’s what helps them, but that this should be relayed to the teen as a “contract.” If there are ways to ruin the close bond of the parent-child, formalizing it in such a manner is definitely one way (even if the teen is supposed to have input). I was more apt to act harmoniously, I guess you could say, when I was treated like an adult family member, and had discussions about the way things should operate, and why (boundaries, perhaps). I expressed input, a parent expressed input, but it was more casual, on equal footing, over dinner, or something like that. My dad did actually try the contract idea, though. My response? Walking out. I considered it so disrespectful, a suggestion that the extent to which I couldn’t be trusted was so great, that a formal agreement was needed to keep me in check.
I know a parent isn’t supposed to be a friend, but they aren’t business partners or employers, either.