This guest article from YourTango was written by Julia Flood.
It doesn’t seem to make sense: You used to be best friends, but now you can’t go a day without fighting. Your partner says something that triggers you — you feel attacked or devalued — and you react: Maybe you yell, slam the door and walk out, or you shut down and refuse to continue the conversation. Looking back, it may be hard to tell how you even got into the argument in the first place.
It might have been something very subtle that made you see red: a smirk, rolled eyes, a certain body posture, or tone of voice. In a split-second you picked up on a message, and you simply reacted. Unfortunately, your own signature response to the threat you perceive coming from your partner is likely to be the exact thing that drives him or her crazy, whether you say something hurtful, or flee the battlefield and leave your partner feeling abandoned. It’s a vicious cycle.
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Communication is one of the most important qualities in a relationship but it needs to be done effectively. You can disagree in a relationship but you need to do it in a way that is constructive. Defenses can really interfere in that, which is why it is important to tackle them so you can improve the way you handle them when you are trying to get a message across and work out a problem. It’s so difficult to deal with emotions sometimes but at least remember, emotions are tied to cognitions and cognitions are not always accurate, so checking in with your partner about your cognitions can help change your emotions which will then can calm your defenses.
I absolutely agree. Disagreements are no reason for alarm. The initial feelings or harmony and unison can’t and don’t need to be maintained for a life time. Each partner needs to show the other who they are, taking a risk. Each partner needs to develop the ability to listen supportively, even when they disagree. This is difficult, as one needs to manage one’s internal reaction when hearing something unpleasant, rather than jumping to conclusions and lashing out.
People learn from watching their parents (or lack of an example) interact. The reactions become instinctive, “id driven”. Long before the smirk or eye roll sets one off, they have subconsciously predetermined that they are going to get into a fight in the near future. The “external stimuli” is just the first available reason. People who grew up in environments where arguing and fighting were a normality, feel anxious and as if “somethings wrong” when they are in a relationship where that doesn’t go on. In extreme cases, some need abused to feel “loved” as they were in their childhood. So they first look for that person that shows signs of aggressiveness and then in the relationship look for reasons to trigger it. Relationships with lots of arguing are lighter shades of this extreme.
I spent the first 4 years I dated my ex working on changing this need to argue. I never rewarded argument with attention. Thus we never had an argument and she eventually had to learn a new way to associate in our relationship. The last 4 years we moved forward in life with a much healthier and functional relationship. (Much changes in myself were needed too to make this happen) But our interaction changed her “ego ideal”. Better ways to communicate were learned and practiced. Then after the baby, the wonders of antidepressants visited its tragedy upon the family. I often say, “I woke up next to a person I didn’t recognize”. However, that is kind of untrue. I woke up next to the person I had met a decade prior. And she came back with a vengeance.
If you learned that arguing is a way to confirm affection, then you are going to have to learn a better way. You will need a partner willing and able to reward you attempts with affection.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I’ve often wondered just how much that issue in my upbringing factored into my day-to-day behavior, as my spouse and I (and both my brother’s and sister’s marriages) are highly uneventful in the argument arena. My wife and I have never fought in 22 years of being together (not even close-no picking at each other, no working up to the verge of an argument and then backing down, etc.). I KNOW there won’t be a lot of folks that believe me when I say this, but ‘TIS TRUE! And my sister and her husband only had two arguments in over 30 years of marriage (regarding playing doubles in tennis)! I always make SURE that I fully understand what my wife is trying to convey to me before responding, and I never engage in any “finger-pointing” when expressing my opinion about something. And we always look at each other in bewilderment when it’s expressed by the media or otherwise that relationships take A LOT of work-something we’ve never experienced! I’ve also have often wondered if the fact that both of us are most definitely not into any sort of competitive behaviors (or even interested in anything competitive, i.e., sports, etc.) is an advantage in our relationship or do we just happen not to be interested in these competitive activities. My spouse was raised by parents in a combative relationship, and both of us came to the conclusion that, when we reached adulthood, we would made a conscious decision not to engage on that level. I do know, though, that, after enough time goes by not treating each other in a negative way, it does become easier and easier with time. Heck, you can actually make a game out of it by challenging yourself to communicate in the most clear and non-offensive manner possible! And, after all, is there anyone on this planet that was put here to be someone else’s whipping post? I don’t think so! It does make it hard, though, when other folks “come for you” in a negative manner and you’ve not had enough recent experience to deal with that sort of behavior! I do happen to be one of those persons that my back has to be AGAINST THE WALL before the ire in me comes out-apparently my mental makeup would rather deviate to having a migraine first! It can be done, though, folks! You must REALLY decide what level you want your relationship to aspire to, and then go from there. And, if you hear your mother’s/father’s voice coming out of your mouth… ;( (And PLEASE take more time to pick a mate than you do buying your next car/refrigerator!) THANKS for listenin’, folks!!!