About a month ago I attended a wedding in Sonoma, California. Before the ceremony, I made random small talk with one of the other guests. We covered occupation and connection to the bride and groom, moved on to comments about the beautiful setting, and then parted ways to continue with the obligatory mingling process.
Strangers’ responses to learning that I’m a therapist are varied, and it’s not uncommon for them to be loaded in some way or another. “You’re analyzing everything I say, aren’t you?” many people joke. “Mmhmm,” I’m tempted to respond, with a raised eyebrow and Mona Lisa grin. “Oh,” others murmur, before the conversation trails off into stilted silence and the person starts surreptitiously glancing over my shoulder for someone else to rescue them.
The wedding guest’s response to learning I’m a therapist was of the “Oh, that’s cool” variety. I didn’t think anything of it. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really “analyze” anyone, let alone people I’ve just met.
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Do you think it’s okay for patients to be curious about who you are outside the consulting room? Do you answer their questions? I don’t want to be nosy, so I never ask anything, but I do wonder sometimes if it’s okay to ask something.
I definitely think it’s okay for clients to be curious, and to ask. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any questions I haven’t answered. I do think it’s important to try to discuss the “why” behind the questions. Often they’re just curiosities, but sometimes discussing the reason for the question can bring up some important material.
I am so glad that my therapist shows me his frailities and lets me know that he understands me on a firsthand level. Lets me know that he cares about me personally!! That is a big help in my understanding of me. He is the worlds best!!!!!
Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your therapist!
My former therapist used to deflect when I’d ask a question about her life? I never asked questions about her personal life. She often refused to answer but only after I had to ask her several times for a definitive answer. Either you answer a question or you don’t. I got tired of having my questions turned around on me. I believe if someone asks you a question you can either answer it or decline to answer it. But I guess therapists have to make the call in the moment how much they will disclose and whether they think it us useful for their client’s therapy. Like I said at the beginning, she is my former therapist. I found someone who does answer my questions and promotes a healthy dialogue about it.
This seems to be a theme right now – I had a similar guest post yesterday at Music Therapy Tween. (http://bit.ly/rfPcEN ) My issue is more one of living rural and know many of my clients outside of my sessions.
As a therapist, I will answer most questions that my clients ask. Most clients just want to know that we are human like them. I will even cry with a client, not as a sign of weakness, because I may understand how they are feeling or what they are going through. As a therapist it is my belief that we want to help those that are hurting and if we don’t hurt (sometimes) with them, we are not being real.
Great article. I can see the many ways that clients would think about and view a therapist. Having someone who is “real” and engages in the relationship seems key. I think in therapy, as in all relationships, honesty helps build trust and knowing that you can bring up anything and the therapist will also do the same makes things safe.
Very interesting article. I’ve been with the same Psychiatrist for 25 years…. We are so close to a breakthrough…. a little Bi Polar humor. I’ve oftened wonder about his personal life, being with him for 25 years and all, I’ve been able to gather bits & pieces of information. But I would never ask him questions about his personal life, after all he is “God” in my eyes. He controls my medicine For God’s sake. A little Bi Polar humor again. I’ve often wonder what is he typing while I speak? I would say probably very little because of my rapid, stammering, and stuttering speech pattern, I only get 15 premious minutes now. Not enough time. See you on the dance floor where I might pull you aside because I got more stuff to talk about.~~~~~ Desiree Cart Dugas
Great article Sandra. I occasionally find myself “deflecting” the occupation question at weddings, etc. I just don’t want to deal with the responses sometimes. I am very proud of my profession but sometimes just want to be seen as a “real” person at social events!
The article, and the comments were GREAT! one of my more recent favorites of the site. I never start asking personal questions of my therapist but in time I have become a LOT more comfortable with him and more able to question little things like is he drinking tea or coffee or why he is fiddling with something (which drives me crazy). I don’t ask much about his outside life though he does share a good amount with out me asking which helped me build more trust with him. Thanks for the article!