This guest article from YourTango was written by Acinta Monteverde.
If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, there are ways to break away and stop the cycle of domestic violence. I have personally experienced physical and emotional abuse, and lived through the challenges associated with rebuilding my life as the single parent of a young child.
I am here to say that it is not only possible to survive, but it is possible to thrive with the right support and commitment. With these tips, my hope is that you will feel empowered to love yourself.
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I got out after 36 years of physical and verbal abuse. I am a moderator for an abused survivors’ group. I am also a freshman at age 65 (social work/counseling).
I believe the book (which saved my life): The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Until we educate ourselves, the cycle will continue.
I never equated love with pain; I knew what he was doing was wrong, but just kept hoping he would get it.
The statistics are (globally) 1 in 3 women living with abuse, and 52,321,404 women in the U.S. are living in silence, fear and shame behind closed doors. I’ve been working like a “Trojan” for over 10 years to get the message out there, by writing talk shows, newspapers, radio (been on 2 radio programs), etc…..
I have contacted producers at the OWN Network, proposing a program entitled: The Silent Scream….it is one of my passions to get the message out there regarding verbal abuse, because it is so prevalent in our society, that it goes virtually unnoticed…..as in bullying in schools.
Kindest Regards, Marie (over comer and wounded healer)…www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com….voted out of a 31-year church membership, because of my divorce.
Wow, your story sounds like mine. Only mine was 10 yrs and now I am going for my Masters degree in Psychology at the tender age of 68.
Good for you and any suggestions on how to get started in the counseling field would be helpful since everywhere I look they want expereince. So, I am counseling my 5 granddaughters for free. I figure good practice. MikkiNikoloff@Comcast.net
Hi Meredith, Counseling the young ones is the greatest assurance that they will never get themselves into the abusive relationships that we have had to endure. Keep them well advised! I wish I had that kind of information when I was growing up. It took years for me to find my way out of all the pain. Now I am here to help others.
Hi Marie, One of the most important books to read, I agree, is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That book did so much to get me to realize that I was exactly who she was talking about in the book. I was physically and verbally abused for years and after five decades have finally gotten free. Another great book is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, that got me to open my eyes back in the 1980s. I am also striving to get the word out and offer help. Blessings to you.
This is a great article. I wish these tips were around while my Mom was in an abusive marriage. She’s originally from India, though, and there they don’t believe in divorce. So she would go volunteer at places like the Center of Abuse and Rape Victims to cope. I hope this blog reaches out to many people.
Thanks, Marie, for all your hard work. I am a graduate of a wonderful program in Orange County, CA, called Human Options. Thanks to this and other similar programs, I was able to get back on my feet and now help others as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Parwathy, Light and Love to you and your mom. Thanks for the compliment on the article; please pass the message along.
Points 1, 2 and 3 are good advice, but I have to take issue here with Points 4 and 5.
When I met my ex I was in a position of professional authority over him – quite the opposite of the picture I feel you are painting of the depressed, downtrodden victim. Some abusers are particularly attracted to strong professional women, and get a thrill out of the challenge of bringing such a person under the yoke of their abuse.
I hate to say this, but probably THE reason I didn’t seek help when I realized the way things were going was precisely BECAUSE I felt that I would be accused by the various agencies of being depressed, having low self-esteem, trying to fix something from my childhood, being co-dependent, or whatever the latest trendy psychology buzz-word theory of the moment is.
When are we all going to wake up to the fact that the only person responsible for creating an abusive relationship is the abuser himself?
You are the exception to the rule…..
I actually find 4 and 5 very profound. I don’t know how many times I have seen friends of mine, some of them the smartest I know, find these abusive relationships. They know from me they get the same advice. “You find exactly what you are looking for. All of us knew and told you going in that there were red flags galore, but you were ‘in love’.. again.” In this culture of 51% divorce rates, astounding teenaged and/ or single mothers, “mixed family”, two parent working culture, children often don’t have a functional example of what a husband/ wife loving relationship should look like. (They also are often left lacking in the examples of good parents as well, but that is another dysfunction.) So they are forced to “wing it”. They either learn by listening to their divorced or dysfunctional parent berate each other; or they end up in peer circles where they are either the abuser or the abusee and follow that logic into a romantic relationship, or they walk into the arms of an abuser with low self worth and high expectations. Not wanting to be “wrong” about a person, they give them far beyond the benefit of the doubt.
The way our culture has so nonchalantly disregarded the purpose of strong, loving, functional relationships is at the root of many of our social problems. It is what is driving the “borderline society”. Honestly, ask yourself, “Who taught you how to be a loving spouse?” You can’t know what you are not taught.
someone1234, I’m inclined to agree that you don’t have to have low self-esteem or depression in order to get into these relationships. Like you, I found myself with someone who was attracted to me because I was a successful professional in a position of authority over him – and he wanted a challenge; someone worth breaking.
However, once you’re stuck with an abusive partner it is easy to develop depression, not to mention self-esteem issues – in fact it’s almost impossible not to. So whatever your frame of mind before it started, depression and an increasing lack of self-confidence will likely hamper your efforts to get out. It’s hard to keep on believing in yourself when the person you love and trust keeps screaming at you about how worthless and disgusting you are.
I second the recommendation of the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”. It was excellent, and the only book that really seems to get the whole picture. It really is remarkable. Everyone should read it.
Agree 150% with Kly. I just escaped 3 days ago from a 37-year on-again, off-again abusive marriage. During the off times, I was a tremendously successful and highly thought of professional. I was prosperous and happy. UEvidently, the more successful I became, the more determined he was to break and control me. Over these last two years, I’ve lost my business, my health, my credit; friends, family, and business associates. I did indeed become so depressed that I attempted suicide 3 times in 3 months. It wasn’t until the last ER visit when a doctor walked in on the abuse that someone finally believed me about what he’d been doing. Still, I stayed, convinced I’d never be able to make it on my own. Then I discovered he’d been overdosing my service dog with her allergy meds, which could easily have killed her. I left with her, $10 in my pocket, and the clothes on my back, broken and broke, but alive. All I want now is to earn the trust of that poor innocent animal who gives me the only unconditional love I’ll ever have, which frankly, after what I allowed him to do to her by my inability to leave I certainly don’t deserve. Yes, abusers ate responsible, but enough of that and anyone, no matter how strong or successful, can become so weak and depressed that she loses all sense of herself. I bitterly regret the waste of my entire life with a man whose only joy apparently came from seeing how many times or ways he could keep me from being who I am.
God Bless you Anna! I am touched and I know you are a strong soul who touched my heart tonight. I needed to hear these stories posted. I am in an abusive relationship and so torn and lost. I don’t know what to do and trying to stay strong and focused. I am a professional woman with already two failed marriages and my current relationship of whom I am not married to, has been the most intense relationship of love, passion, but also lots of meanness and abuse. I am looking into my inner self to understand why. I feel so scared and lost and reading these comments bring hope to my heart and I feel not so alone anymore. Thanks again for sharing.
This is a great article! Thank you for sharing. It can be difficult and sometimes dangerous to get out of an abusive relationship, but it’s worth it to get free. It’s hard to acknowledge that you’re in an abusive relationship in the first place, but once you realize that, you need to get out.
how do i get rid of jealosy in relationship..need to know how to be carin and loving when u have debts created by the wining loved one
I have been married for 11 years and feel like I am in a yo-yo marriage. I have always been a an strong independent person that also struggled with some personal insecurities. In the beginning of our marriage we fought constantly. I finally got worn down and gave up on trying to have an opinion. Physically I would be pushed around and threatened and at one point my husband put a hole through the wall with his fist. I threatened to leave and the physical outbursts stopped but now it is so subtle I am just worn out. Nit picking everything I do. Withholding positive comments but more then happy to complain about all my “supposed” shortcomings. If anything goes wrong in his life he does not get mad at the situation but instead gets mad at me and becomes very emotionally controlling. He is like a walking time bomb. I don’t know what to do because by the time I pack my bags and get my poor two year old ready to leave the episode has past and then he thinks I am leaving when nothing is wrong. He then tells me that I am so sensitive and he is the one that has to walk on eggshells not to upset me. We don’t have much extra money and have always lived a modest middle class life. If I were to leave, the only place I have to go is hours away from my home. Everything would change for me. My friends, my fun outlets, everything. It sucks. sorry, I am just emotionally lost. The strong women I once was is getting lost fast and I only see glimmers of her on rare moments. Of course, when that happens my husband tells me that I have turned into a B#tch. My poor baby girl does not need to live this life. Thankfully she is not around for most of it but I know they see more then we think. So Sad
Hi Elaine, i also have a 2 year old son, and we have similar stories, so similar in fact. I cant seem to believe someone out there is going through this same pain daily, and i was that strong independent woman too, and she comes out very little now, the scary part is my family and friends are so sick of hearing about it, and my mother actually when he stole my phone today listened to him on the phone and then called to blame me, i promised 2013 would be different for me and my son and im also pregnant and scaried daily cause of the amount of stress on me and the baby inside. I have been in this for so long that i dont even know me anymore, im constantly tired, loss train of thought, no focus, depressed, and heartbroken, eventhough i use to be scaried to be a single mom, now i dream of that, to just be left alone to heal, He has done so much to me and it feels like im in the twlight zone, im so lost
I am really touched by the comments left by all of you. As a survivor of domestic violence myself, it was a challenge to write this article because it evoked some deep emotions after 13 years. If just one of you benefited from this article, it was worth it. When I left my abuser, my son was only 2 years old and it was the scariest thing I had ever done. But please do not despair because there is help. Please contact the National Domestic Violence hotline. You don’t want your child to repeat the cycle as they choose their partners later in life. You are also risking having your child taken away by social services if someone reports that there is domestic violence since it is considered child abuse when they witness abuse.
To reply to the ladies who wrote in saying that #4 and #5 did not fit you, I’d like to point out that outward signs of success (as in career and finances) do not necessarily equate with healthy self-esteem and skills at picking a nurturing, healthy partner. Fortunately, learning is possible. I have finally met a man who is a fantastically nurturing and loving partner!! Happy New Year to all of you and I would welcome any further comments.
Hello Acinta,Thank you for writing a great, thought-provoking article. I was in a horrible physically abusive relationship as a young teen that ripped apart my perception of relationships for years thereafter, and kept me in a downward spiral in other abusive relationships. It was only after I was at the lowest point after decades of abuse that I miraculously started to rise up again. Now I am strong and totally in love with life. I help women find their power through coaching and holistic modalities. Your wisdom is much appreciated and I would love to see more of your articles. Giselle
Hello Giselle,
Thanks for your encouraging words. I am very touched by your courage and passion to help others. Right now I am finishing an Ebook on online dating as I met my Soul Mate in that manner. However, I want to give back as I was so blessed to be helped by organizations and individuals to overcome my odds to get to where I am. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California specializing in women’s issues.
Great article but I think in my case, I just wanted to help my recent ex. Thought if I loved him enough, I could resolve all the hurt and anger that led to his abuse. But I couldn’t fix it. He came from an abusive and controlling family. So, is it my fault for trying to “fix” him or is it his fault for abusing me? I don’t know…I wished I had recognized the signs and had a frank talk with myself. Good news is that I am out of the relatioship and have not missed it. It was if after I out of the marriage, I couldn’t understand why I spent 9 years with him thinking that he loved me and if I loved him enough, he would change. He didn’t…
So, I am healing from all the hurt and abuse. The black eye and bruises healed but the emotioal damage is not so easy to get over.
I will now look for the signs in future relationships and recognize them. It helps to talk about it and I appreciate the opportunity to tell my story…
Hi Sandra, Congrats on leaving the relationship even if it took 9 years!! I don’t think you need to assign “fault” to anyone. Yes, he was a victim himself, but he was not in a place where he was ready to make changes. You loved yourself enough to realize that you had to move on. Healing does take time. I know since I went through that process. Please feel free to contact me if you need some help. My contact info is on my website.
Hi, I don’t no if anyone still comes to this site but i’m in a relationship I have no clue on how to get out of. I have been with this man for 6 years and to make it worse found out a year ago he is still married to some crazy female that came banging down my door. He is vary abusive mainly threats, put downs, he has given me black eyes, busted lips, bruises, busted ear drums and more mental and emotional scars then I could count. I left my family and friends to move away with him only to lose everyone and be in a city feeling so lost and alone. I have no friends and my family tells me I cannot home, that I put myself in this problem and no one can help me but me. He tells me if I Leave him he will find me and kill me. I have 2 children ( not by him) boys at that that see the aftermath of are fights. Everyone says its so easy just leave or call the police, the police can’t help me prison don’t scare him he is used to being there. He will have someone come after me. I have no money and no placer to go. Im on section 8 (government housing program) and if I leave I gabber to give it up they won’t help in this situation I’ve called abuse shelters and cried for there help they all said sorry but we are full and hung up on me. Im losing my mind I have never felt more alone and not worth it. Im so scared that if I try and leave he will come after me. Living with this man is like living in a land mine. Please I need out i’m so tiered of hurting.
Excellent article, with very helpful advice. I agree that it is very important to get to the bottom of what the emotional pattern is that results in getting into that kind of addictive relationship. I would say that any relationship that is abusive has to be addictive or there would be no motive for staying in it. Addictions are a substitute for what would really benefit you, because you believe you can’t have what really would benefit you. Addictions are generally in the form of what you believe you can control.
I don’t know how to leave. He is abusive physicaly emotionaly and verbal.He is the father of my 7 month year old baby. He threatens me almost everyday that he is going to kill me. He gets angry for small things. He is a conrol freak. I have to do everything exaclty the way he wants it or else! I don’t know what to do, I am afraid to tell my family cause my dad would kill him. He says he will take my son away from me. I am working hard but that’s not enough. I don’t have friends anymore I’m not allowed to. What did I get my self in to. Funny thing is I sometimes love him. But when his evil said comes I just hate him.
Get out Miss I. Get your baby and get out now. Don’t look back. It will no stop. I just left my 2.5 year relationship…and luckily, he kicked me out. Best thing that ever happened. You have to leave. He will come for you, but don’t let him. Keep every shitty message he sends you, get his social and his license plate, and get out. I can’t put my email addy on here, but if you want to talk. I will try to respond to this post again. anyone who will let you stay, just go. And don’t return to your home alone. And if he ever comes near you again. You call the police. Don’t be afraid. Your life depends on it.