All of us, from time to time, have experienced the ache of loneliness, whether we’re actually by ourselves or among others. And, of course, it never feels good.
But, curiously, this “social pain” is actually adaptive. According to John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick in their book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection:
Keep in mind, too, that feeling the pain of isolation is not an unalloyed negative. The sensations associated with loneliness evolved because they contributed to our survival as a species. “To be isolated from your band,” wrote John Bowlby, the developmental psychologist who pioneered attachment theory, “and, especially when young, to be isolated from your particular caretaker is fraught with the greatest danger. Can we wonder then that each animal is equipped with an instinctive disposition to avoid isolation and to maintain proximity?”
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Great article Margarita!!
The premise of the author’s claim that loneliness is bad is that self-gratification is one’s supreme value.
This premise is faulty. Being happy is not always a supreme value. As the saying goes, better to be alone than in bad company.
Therefore, the author’s claim that loneliness is inherently bad is false.
I stuggle to be more social but I know one thing my father-in-law moved from a bustling city with lots of interaction (even though he values his privacy like I do and needs a lot of down time) and he got predementia from being by himself in the house so much. Sometimes I get very lonely and then I go out to watch a football game or do something with 1 or 2 people and the next day (after 2 weeks of feeling very disconnected) I feel fine. It is a fine line for me. Overstimulation or too much solitude. P.S. I work from home as well.
Loneliness is bad. Solitude is fine. It’s possible to be lonely in a crowd and perfectly happy alone. Each of us is different in our tolerance for solitude vs. company and have different triggers for feeling lonely.
Delightful article – refreshing change from the do-these-5-steps-and-be-happy type of advice. Not that it is easy to sit quietly with yourself and just be with any of these uncomfortable feelings; but if you cannot find a way to tolerate your own feelings, I think you will be continually frustrated in trying to connect to others. You may also have to add some deliberate social planning (at least if you are like me and tend to isolate yourself at any sign of stress. It also sound downright silly at times, but just breathing consciously helps in so many situations, so that instead of feeling overwhelmed by mysterious forces,you calm yourself and take a look at what is happening. (Used to have a sign by my work phone that just said “BREATHE” as a reminder to calm down and pay attention to the caller – not to what I expected from the caller)
Introverts like myself often are most lonely in a crowd-which can be as few as one other person if that person is ADHD or even just vert talkative,and this is a Catch-22 when you get lonely easily like I do – One of the huge benefits of social media is being able to “break” loneliness with a bit of distance in place-I can just go read, go outside or take a nap from the exahstion felt by just having 20 minutes of social interaction. That said- the author’s 1st 2 premises are convincing but I do not see food as a way of connecting with the eorld – I think the author crreated a nifty tripartate and then har to stretch to complete it. And I think the author should have made clear that being alone is not all bad. Just the loneliness part.
Firstly, with due respect to John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick, at best they are positing theory on top of theory. It is bothersome that they state their synthesis of these hypotheories as fact. It is not so.
Secondly, it is important to stress that connection is not a stagnant process, but is dynamic and continuous. In my blog http://psychfieldpersectives.blogspot.com/ this point is addressed.
Also, I would ask the reader to consider whether loneliness from self and loneliness from others are really along the same continuum. In my experience they are quite different and divergent.
I am 67 and seem to have been born with a connection problem. I have found it difficult to make friends, with feelings of always being on the
outside looking in. I came from a disfunctional family which is a likely basis for this. I’m not a shy person, and have ocassionally tested myself outside of my comfort zone–which always concluded badly for me. I’ve learned to live with this, and is why I emigrated to the U.K. from New York City as a young man, with my English wife (a fresh start?). Sadly, my problem stayed with me (still no friends, feeling shunned by the English—now I have an excuse!!) I’ve come to terms with having a fun-less life. I’m probably so used to being in an unfulfilled semi-depressive state, I’m not even aware of it. My sanity score is 74. What more can a misfit expect. I don’t feel sorry for myself, nor do I look for sympathy—certainly not at age 67. I am a realist with feet planted firmly on the ground and have concluded life is a bitch, but it is also a gift,so I just carry on as best as I can. Maybe I am confusing loneliness with solditude, having possibly become a person of solditude. For some, connecting with people is a task akin to banging ones head against a brick wall. It begins to hurt, so avoidance measures are taken.