One thing I’ve learned from my happiness project is that whenever appropriate, I should “Do it for for myself.”
I have a bad habit of self-righteously telling myself that I’ve made various efforts “for my husband,” “for my family,” or whomever.
While this sounds generous, it leads to a bad result: often I expect other people to appreciate my efforts — or at least notice my efforts — and while sometimes it makes me feel virtuous, sometimes it makes me feel resentful.
Now, when appropriate, I remind myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” I want tidy kitchen cabinets. I want to decorate for Halloween. Which is true.
This sounds selfish, but in fact, being honest with myself makes me less demanding and resentful.
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What a great perspective! I have become increasingly aware of my own tendency to do things for others vs doing them for myself… or at least, with the hope/expectation that others will validate me or react in some way.
For example, I noticed that I have done this with my blog: While I tell myself that it is a project I’ve taken on for my own personal reasons and something I’m doing just for *me*, the truth is that I find myself feeling disappointed when I post a new and don’t get any comments on it.
I think you’re absolutely right — when you start being honest about who you’re really doing things for, and try to do more for yourself than for other people (who may benefit all the same!), there are fewer opportunities to feel disappointed when others don’t react in a certain way.
Thanks for this eye-opener!
Awesome project and self-awareness. Yes, many people believe they are doing things for other people when they are really doing it for themselves. You are doing such a wonderful thing for yourself and for others as well. I enjoy reading how much you are growing! Thank you for this and I will be keeping up on your progress!
It may be that in the end we are actually serving ourselves all the time, is not the question of getting a notice for our actions this?
I completely understand where you’re coming from and I feel the same way, as a ‘musical’ person I struggle A LOT trying to make what I hear in my head a reality. However, I had been to counselling and my counselor advised me to do it because you want to do it, do it for yourself. I have tried my best to incorporate this idea into my thinking but to be honest its not all that easy, there are certain biological imperatives that make sure we WILL care about what people think and how they will react to our efforts. Evolutionary speaking it makes sense for us to want social approval, to survive out there; but I think times have changed and we need to change our thinking along with it and moderate ourselves on what to do and when to do it. Oh and Thanks for writing the article! and I mean that as sincerely as possible
Wow, this is a deep concept. There is a quote I have grown to love, “Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.” – Scott Adams. Since I believe we are all “dopamine” feins that do whatever our Ego Ideal has logged as “pleasurable”, this make sense. So by continuance the statement that everything we do is “for ourselves”. The twist is that some of us “get off” on being people pleasers. Making people happy requires “the pleasers” to know the objects of their affection noticed the deeds. (or at least in the case of the “bed makers” perceive that it would be appreciated.) I think an extreme case is what (as a layman) I have always called the “controlling martyr”.