Back in the mid-twentieth century, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — and they stuck.
According to Susan Berger, researcher and practitioner in the health and mental health fields for over twenty-five years, those five stages may work well for the dying individuals. But for the folks who are left behind to grieve the loss? Not as successful.
In her groundbreaking book, The Five Ways We Grieve: Finding Your Personal Path to Healing after the Loss of a Loved One,, Berger offers five identity types that represent different ways of creating meaning from the loss of a loved one in an effort to redefine a life purpose, a reason to continue growing spiritually and emotionally, and to find meaning in this life.
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Anyway you decide to get there, in the end, for those who live, grief is about repressing the painful bits. Some do it with the precision of a surgeon, others with the surgical skills of a lumberjack. Our psyche chews up and swallows down into that pain until it rationalizes an acceptable perspective of the past. But, just because memories are repressed, doesn’t mean they don’t dictate your behaviors. For example, losses at that young age can lead to a hard time loving and being loved.
If you think grief of dying is hard, try grief of the living. To look at my ex, this body of my once best friend, now taken by the euphoric hypnosis of SSRI’s with the added bonus of having to give up my child to a person I know has the capability of hurting her. Only, I couldn’t pay .. emmm.. err I mean convince a judge of that. So I can only drop her off and walk away to restart the grieving process all over again.
I was in tears when I found this article…. I can’t come to grips with my life, as it is, since my husband death 1-1/2 years ago. I have periods where I can go along at an even pace and times like this, especially when special days, or holidays are approaching and I feel that I can’t face them.
We were together for 50 years and he was my first love … We thought we were meant to be together and had a love relationship right up till the end, after his 4 years of illness.
I feel so empty…. although our only granddaughter was born a week before he died and I love her dearly……. and spend most of my time now taking care of her.. along with my elderly Dad who lives with me.
Days like today, when I really don’t feel like I can cope are the worst…. and I know that this mood will pass…. but I’m just so sad and empty feeling and lonely for what we had together, that I would just like to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.
I know this sounds like a big pity party… and it is… for now…. but I’d like to know that I can go on without such intense emotions at the times that I need most to be stronger.
My sadness just feels like it will never end.
Thanks for ‘listening’…. Lee
Don’t live in the past or it will make you more tired. You can find pleasures by taking care of your grandchildrend… keep all your sweet memories and think about it as a gift given by God… To live is to be painful.. whether we want it or not, it still comes…The only thing we can do is to accept it. Try your best, Lee, you can do it!!!
Thank you to whom ever wrote ” he was the DOORWAY to me!” Those words have helped me greatly. My husband died suddenly at 45 y/o and I went thru the stages but 5-years later I guess I have been trying to “reason” it all. At that is it: He was the doorway to me!
THANK YOU…
I believe that Ms. Berger is probably a classic narcissist. Loving oneself, and excessive focus on I, I, I (Me, Me, Me,), are quite distinct. Wake up, Ms. Berger and proteges. The lives and deaths of significant others have meanings and significance beyond self-serving effects.
i want to celebrate the relationship I had built with my Mother … The missing her though is interfering with that plan at the moment. She went home on 10/4/11 and it just plain freakin’ stings….
I lost my very best friend just 4 weeks ago. I am a nomad right now, hoping to transition to anything else. Jacob was my best friend, my soul mate, and my heart. I have never been so intimate with anyone, without having sex (Jacob was gay). We had such a profound impact on each other; the story is too lengthy to share here. I am lost without him. I keep wondering why he left my life. We made a promise to always be there for each other, and now he’s not here helping me through this. His family and his partner have the same feelings, which are all normal. I hear Jacob’s voice in my head, kicking my butt to keep moving. It’s so difficult.. one day at a time.. sometimes one hour at a time. I have read books on grief, but this one seems a little more progressive and practical. I will purchase it. Thank you for enlightening us with your words. I’m passing on this article to others who will need it.
We met 15 yrs. ago. When I brought her home we were both elated to have each other. We had a grand life together and she traveled everywhere I could take her. She was full of life, extremely happy every day. She loved to eat, play, ride in the jeep head out the window as far as she could. The wind blowing her black hair.. We were terrific together for 15 yrs. Not one bad memory of us…We were inseperable…For 6 yrs. we fought her cancer and then the heartbreaking day came….
What a decision I had to make…I made the appointment, took her to the vet and held her, petted her, as we said our good bye…. Yes Honey would pass on to the Rainbow Bridge where all pets wait till their owners pass and meet them to go to heaven…. It has been a long hard depressing 4 mos. she has been gone. Trust when the heart grieves it doesn’t know the difference of grieving for human or beast. We pet owners grieve as much for our pets as we grieve for humans…
Passing this on to other pet owners grieving…..
What I’m struggling with in the grieving process is that I have no idea who I am now? My entire concept of my value in the world and my value as a human being, has been destroyed. I have no idea how to pick up the pieces. I just feel so utterly defeated. I have no one I can lean on because I’m always the one everyone counts on. I wish I had one day where I could just lay in bed all day and cry.