CBS News and Health.com published a nice gallery listing what you should and shouldn’t tell a depressed love one.
I have my own list. Here are 10 things you definitely don’t want to say, a collection of the gems that I heard when well-intentioned people opened their mouths and said something really stupid to me the two years I was in sorry shape.
1. It’s all in your head. You need to think positive.
Upon hearing this, I wanted to throw a life-size figure of Tony Robbins at them. Because, while optimism is certainly important in training the brain, studies have shown that people who are severely depressed or acutely anxious only activate their amydalas (fear center of the brain) by forcing positive thinking
2. You need to get out of yourself and give back to the community.
This is one that certainly made bad things worse. Because now, in addition to feeling severely depressed, a person also feels guilty and self-absorbed. Yes, giving back is important, but only when a person is healthy enough to hold a ladle at a soup kitchen.
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I really liked your article! However, I do have one bit of information from my own experiences with ‘whole foods’ (note the actual ‘whole foods’ and not the grocery store) and a better mood. I have been experiencing depression since I was 15 and am now 20. I recently began trying to eat better and began taking supplments, including a multivitamin, D3, and B12. After visiting my primary physician and getting my vitamin levels tested, I found I was low in both of these areas, which has actually been linked to depression. I’m not saying that taking these has cured me of my depression, but my mood is, in all honesty, better. It’s worth it to give it a shot! You won’t be sorry.
Thank you! I love it! In line with your post, what HAS helped me throughout my depression has always been a good dose of dry humor. I would like add one comment, however: “But you have such potential (sigh).” ugh.
When my kids were 3 & 1, I actually had a “counselor” tell me instead of staying at home with them, I should get a job! Because adding more things to a depressed person’s plate ALWAYS helps (sarcasm)! Luckily, I was smart enough to realize this wasn’t true, and I sought out ways to be happy in my current situation.
What about – “You have certain personality traits”
“Have you tried being grateful?”
“How’s your depression working for you?”
“But, you’re functioning.”
And of course all of the above list in your blog which I have had someone say at least once to me. The personality trait comment came to me on Monday from a psychiatrist who, I imagine, is not aware that I have problems with self acceptance to begin with and now this comment of partial blame has helped my mood slide deeper. Way to go.
Hi, there!
Great article!
Now a question: any advice on what we could say?
Things to say?
First, let what you say be borne of genuine love and concern for the person. Saying things from frustration or anger…can do damage, and take several days to untangle and resolve, even if well meant.
Second, in my nine years of having depression (and counting…maybe…hopefully not) I have found a question that starts with the word “what” is an excellent place to start.
“What are you feeling?”
“What’s going on?”
“What can I do to help?” (short/long term)
There is a very distinct benefit to this: “What” does not allow for an absolute negative in response. Even if you ask, “what did you do today?” and the response is, “Nothing.” You can reiterate the question. It is physically impossible to do absolutely nothing, and “Breathing,” even if it is the only thing, is a very positive thing to have done all day. If it were not for those days when all I could do was breathe, I would not be here.
Third, or maybe it’s 1.5, do your best to not contradict the person with depression to whom you are speaking. This is not – NOT – the same as agreeing with them! It is simply not contradicting them. Contradicting someone says, “I don’t care what you think, I’m just going to force my ideals on you.”
Here is what I mean:
The person with depression says, “I’m all alone/no one knows how I feel/my life sucks/I might as well die.”
You respond, “I’m here/I felt sad once/you’re awesome/please don’t kill yourself.”
And the talking ends.
While you may have voiced your true sentiments, they are conflicting with what the person has said and felt. The person with depression has not had their feelings validated – they do not feel like they have been listened to – and the result is that they feel even more isolated, less understood, and suckier than before.
And this is why I love the questions with “What.” (Although to be fair, I should say I stole the “what” idea from my dad, who works with restorative practices and problem kids in schools, I merely applied it to the annoying/dumb and/or well-intentioned-but-poorly-executed questions I kept getting about my depression). Let’s look at that conversation again with “what”:
Them: “I’m all alone/no one understands me/my life sucks/I might as well die.”
You: “What makes you say that?”
BLAM! – Did you just start a conversation by listening or WHAT?!
Them: “Everything! I mean everything sucks now.”
You: “Like what?”
Them: <>
You: “What’s happening/what’s going on with that thing/what is it about that thing that sucks…?”
And you take it from there.
I’ll give another example from my experience. There were a couple times where I broke down in a public place or a place where people sometimes walked by. And here’s me – an 18 year-old dude (I’m 24 now), sitting curled against a wall, crying my face off. Got that picture? K.
A stranger, a friend or a family member (again, this happened more than once) came up to me and asked “Are you ok?”
Even though I had not said “my life sucks” or whathaveyou (“dear God I’m crying in a hallway get a hold of yourself man!” etc etc.), those were the thoughts that were swirling ‘round my brain flushing my life down the crapper.
This person asked me, “Are you ok?”
That question is the gut-instinct natural reaction that we have, even when confronted with people who have bones poking out of their skin and are so very not-ok. What kinds of thoughts do you think it conjured in my depressed head? “No I’m not ok – what are you, blind? This person’s a tool! See, this is what I meant when I said ‘no one understands me’ and ‘I’m alone.’ This person couldn’t comprehend a rock if it hit them in the face, let alone the depths of the hell I’m in!” et cetera. As a result what I said was, “Nothing.” And they left. And I had just made myself more alone than I had been before. (If you’re reading this and you notice how screwed up that logic is in the self-fulfilling prophecy I had made…don’t try to logick depression…your brain will explode!).
Tables turned a few years later. I was older and wiser (maybe). I was walking on campus when I noticed a young woman quite distraught. I asked her, “What’s going on?” …I can’t remember how long the conversation lasted, but I do know it was a while and it ended with a recommendation for her to consider talking to a pro (counsellor, doctor, or psychiatrist).
So Juliana and others, I hope that thinks gives you a beginning of an idea of what to say. Somewhere along the way I actually started dictating to my family what the questions they would ask would be. (“Can you ask, ‘What have you done?’ instead of ‘Did you finish….?,’ because ‘did you finish…?’ probably has a ‘No’ for an answer and that makes me feel worse?”) You can also ask a pro, like a counsellor, what kinds of questions or talking points or behaviours do or do not help. And what is probably the simplest way to find out: ask the person dealing with depression. They’ll know what questions you ask are not helpful, and together you can rework them into things that are.
Jared,
EXCELLENT and empathic advice. You are wise beyond your yeas.
There is extreme lack of understanding about talking to a suicidal person. As Jared suggested, refrain from saying that you understand because you experienced a similar hurt. We can never understand someone’s pain or the quality or value of relationships in their life. EX: telling a person who is in severe psychological pain that they will hurt ______ (insert family/friend name) can be ineffective or harmful. If that relationship is a source of the pain, that strategy could cause further distress. It also invalidates the pain they are experiencing as not as significant as the pain they will cause
others. I am not a professional, but believe guilt is not a good approach.
Along similar lines, telling someone that they have so much to live for and assuming to understand their values is a sensitive area unless you know them extremely well.
Listening, validating without agreeing (that there is no hope, for example) are ideas.
Finding a glimmer of hope that there will be a tangible reason to hope and live is one suggestion for helping someone see beyond the paralyzing pain.
As a fellow depression sufferer i reccomend making a list of all your symptoms for your doctor. Including family history. My father is Manic depressive bipolar and since thats genetic its definitly something a doctor should know. the doctor may also want to test your thyroid. Rule everything out before making a diagnosis and then putting you on a good anti depressant and following up with you about it. Finally and i cant stress this enough ALWAYS tell your doctor if you have any thoughts of hurting yourself in any way.
I loved your article ! (if I am allowed to say that
)
My conclusions are also more or less the same. I have practised emotional philosophy in myself and am coming to conclusions about life and truth by this age of 22.
I am finding answers to all my questions in life and that really releives a lot. The only clue for a better life is – LEARN WHY? ‘because’ is better than ‘but’
Thanks and cheers !
I am a practicing psychotherapist and a Board Certified Vocational Expert. It is refreshing to see an article like this. Every comment made is “right on”. Most people try to help but feel helpless themselves, and end up offering such advice which tends to exacerbate the depressed person issues even more.
Steve
Thanks for the list.
I suffered from depression from about 8 years old up until 15. I suffered from emtional bulling (ie name calling and severe exclusion) and one of my friends who I went to school with kept telling me that “It wasn’t bullying. Oh my God will you just get over it already.” I hated her so much for that because it is bullying and I ended up thinking that it was my fault and that I was making it up. My therapist back then suggested watching ‘happy films’ and ‘doing things I enjoy’ but I found that I couldn’t enjoy anything and it made me feel so stupid because I couldn’t just get better and even though I know it wasn’t my fault now, I just hated when people act like they know about your mind more than you do.
When someone becomes a client of mine, I ask them to tell me their goals. Sometimes I have have to guide them in phrasing it in the positive. It doesn’t work to say, “I’ll stop doing xyz.” or “I won’t think/feel/be ___.”
They need to phrase it in the active. What will they be doing instead? What will that look like? What will they and others notice?
It’s not useful to focus on what we’re /not/ doing, but rather on what we /are/ doing.
Likewise, saying don’t tell them —- leaves most people feeling tongue-tied and uncomfortable. We all need more models on what _to_ say, how _to_ respond, etc.
The thing that helps for me is for someone to just listen and say “I’m sorry you feel this way, if there’s anything I can do to help just tell me”. It took many years for my husband to finally understand and give me time to come out of it.
“If there is anything I can do” is usually interpreted as an empty promise. “What can I do now/tomorrow” sounds much more convincing.
A depressed person needs a context where one can fulfill ones needs and later on fulfill others needs, but in the beginning of the healing process a fulfillment of the basal needs are more crucial, such as physiological, safety and security needs (Maslow). If these needs are hard to meet and the person dosen’t have peers to help, medication can aid to establish a building ground to work from in therapy.
However, once these needs have been met it’s a question of persona and ultimately ones perception of oneself and existence (Frankl).
One shall not inflict more pain to those who suffer, alas one shall not be co-dependent. One shall always avoid handling other people, nor view them as means. Instead one shall view others as purpose in themselves (Kant).
The thing is, all of these 10 things are pretty good advice, if you can own them yourself. That’s a matter of perception and self-communication.
my advice is:
Don’t play along, but be sure that you “don’t-play-along-nicely”.
Amen on that yoga thing. It became unbearably depressing to hear “do some yoga.”
Regarding the last, I distinctly remember how being told other people have it worst, count your blessings, not to be a wussy, your just not even trying, are you? and the like would worsten my feelings of worthlessness, and failure, and make me think if I am unable to cope when everyone else is (when they have it worst than me) then I must be flawed, and thoughts of suicide definitely started creeping up. As in everyone is sick of my whining, they would be better off without me, I am nothing but a disappointmnt to them…thus my subsequent hospitalization and diagnosis. People trying to help always make it worse.
Thank you so much for writing the article. I am in a deep depression and getting good help. My family is frustrated and quite tired of my sad and grumpy mood. I wish I had the control they think I should have over my thoughts and feelings. I certainly do not choose to be this way. I have felt guilt, disgust and anguish about my state of depression. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I am greatful that things aren’t worse. I am tired of things not getting better inspite of trying all sorts of meds, exercise, diet, supplements, alternative meds and the list goes on and on. Most days I have all I can dot to get to the pool and do my physical therapy, much less housework, and anything fullfilling. I truly would have a hard time living with me too. I understand that.
Sometimes the simplest things go a long way. Here’s a few examples of things that are helpful for others to say to me when I’m depressed:
I’m sorry you feel so miserable.
I hope you feel better soon.
How can I help?
How are you doing?(and wanting to hear a truthful answer.)
I know some people feel at a loss as to what to say to the depressed person. It’s not actually that hard once you realize that the depressed person just wants to know they are not alone and that you’re on their side. Or at least that’s all I want.
I agree, for me one of the best/most comforting things to hear was: How are you doing?
When it’s said sincerely it’s a great way of letting someone know that you care and that you’re willing to be there for them. At least for me, knowing I had someone there for me was a huge comfort.
How about…”I’ve had so many reasons in my life to be depressed but I choose to be happy.” Well, good for you, wish I could make my brain neurotransmitters make that choice too. However, in my case, it takes a cocktail of a few medications to lasso those neurotransmitters and make them behave the way your’s do. grrrr.
Agree so much with the article and your comment. Just wish I could have verbalised it as eloquently for myself!
Love your comment
Brilliant!
I started with a new therapist about a month ago and I have been disabled with depression and anxiety since 2001. Today he brings up the fact that the government is supporting me and that I should be working full time and making lots of money. It made me mad. I know what happens to me when i get too stressed out…things fall apart badly. I work 4 days a week…that’s all I can handle. I didn’t like or appreciate his comment at all.
t soundslike he cheated his way to his degree. A true Psychiatrist/Therapist knows the meaning of listen and support. I have never had my psychiatrist say anything to me that told me I wasn’t doing the right thing. I am interested in Psychology and I tell you what ‘He has no clue’.
I would never pay for somebody who encourages and supports me in my bad habits. I would not be friends with such person even.
and sometimes we need to push a bit. I know I do.
Time to change therapists! You don’t need anyone with that attitude in your life, especially not someone who is supposed to be helping you! Find a truly caring therapist.
I take depression medication which makes me shake and every (and I mean every) stranger will walk up to me and say, “do you know you are shaking? Why do you shake like that?” Just the fact that they mention it makes me shake even more! I wish people would take into consideration that pointing it out is rude and upsetting, especially when it happens all the time. I know they are curious, but I’m the one who has to cope with it.
Can you take your medication at night and sleep off the side effects? That’s what I do because I get shaky from my meds as well. It’s an idea if you haven’t tried it yet.
I also wonder what to tell. This seems to imply that we just should drag the person to a doctor.
Also… if the person is my friend, I *will* give them advices about career and relationship if I see they have been having problems with them for a long time… Maybe they are depressed because job smothers them and partner drags them down.
I just think lots of this sounds as a good advice actually, given you know the person and they may benefit it. If I see the person eating ramen noodles only, I will tell them (I will be sensitive and try to explain some of the chemicals in the food may be throwing their balance of the whack. I may remind them that their life is good and their fears are somehow unfounded and that they will make it. I will tell them to get out more if I see they are in a rut or are in situation where they don’t feel much fulfillment… because all these thing may HELP in some situations. It is not all pure biochemistry.
Not saying you should tell this to everybody. But saying that never ever ever tell depressed friend some of these things? Not that helpful at all.
y I totally dissagree with your comment!!!!!!! telling a depressed person to get out of themselfs is not the thing to do. I have strugglled with depression most of my life and wasn’t formally diagnosed until i was in my thirties. No one should ever tell a person who is suffering from depression that they should get out of themselves this only makes the depressed person feel worse they may not feel healthy enough at that moment and not to mention, it’s very insenitive to say a comment like that. NO ONE CAN JUST SNAP OUT OF CLINICALL DEPRESSION !!!!!!!!!!!! why dont you look in the mirrior at yourself and stop saying comments like that. GROW UP!!!!!!!
Telling somebody to grow up on all caps… is not exactly mature thing.
And if you read my post carefully, there were many “ifs”.
You cannot “just” snap out of depression, it takes many tools to fight it. One of them maybe getting out or changing your lifestyle. I am not gonna past random advice to strangers, but to close friends I will tell my honest opinion. The most helpful thing my friends can do for me when I am depressed is to drag me down. One tends to forget the world exist at times like that. At least I do. And even if it often feels unreal and dreamlike… I need to be reminded that it does exist.
This might not be the best approach all the time, but I’m assuming you know your friends well enough to know when they can handle such advice.
That advice is helpful when a person is further along in recovery though. That’s because they are starting to get some of their will-power back and realize that they don’t fail at everything thing. It’s just not the best approach for people who are in the amidst of severe depression.
Dragging me down when I have depression is probably the worst thing someone can do for me though. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I know or not. I already hate myself and think I’m a horrible person. Why in the world would I want people to ‘prove’ that those things are valid? Oh well, whatever works for you. ^^
Tell me what I do being Bipolar 2 and just a year in remission as I tried last April 21st/10 to take my life. My meds are working but my husband is the person causing me the greatest stress. He is soon bound for Vegas (my favorite place) but with the guys. It has been 19 to 20 years this trip. He spends all his time even at home with the guys, summer golfing brought two trips away with the guys and plenty of golfing,these are 5 days to a week. He sees these guys every wednesday evening through the winter as they just meet and drink (Oh and I am not allowed in this bar) He went to the Datona races in February with the guys. He plays hockey on Sunday morning with the guys…then usually heads to their bar to watch the nascar race on t.v. I should mention most of this has been going on for most of our marriage…38 years and that I have tried to get him away from these guys who only a few are married the others well if they are like me hanging by a thread. He went to special classes to understand my illnes last year and he was the great student who spoke up talked about the stigma etc. Great student but he learnt nothing in the end. He is retired and even when he was not he said yes to himself all the time and he still does and it is getting worse. I have been complaining about this Nov. Vegas trip adimently for 5 years now and he doesn’t get it. We go on trips together. Boat cruises mostly and it is great to be doing something with him for a change…who makes the money he says and I just took you on a Medetaern Cruise…dah he was with me he got the vacation too. Then I come home and just wait for my lucky next trip away sometimes it is a year away. Do to his time spent with the men I spend a lot of time, too much time by myself. Right now my anxiety and depression are at the highest they can be knowing that he is about to spend another week in Sin City, but oh ya they are driving to Pheonix Arizona at the end of the week to watch the Nascar Race on the Sunday…I have been to one and I loved it so this is a double wammy. I truly believe that he is married to his friends first and I come second…he has done nothing to help with my bipolar 2 except make it worse. Is it time for me to take a stand and get out. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done but I can except being alone if I am truly alone not living with someone who still makes me feel like I am alone. What do you think is the solotion live with Mr.Selfish and bite my tougue or leave. Sandy Schofield
Hiya Sandra
I had very similar thoughts like yours as I have just come out of a twenty year marriage (last Nov) my husband also spent all his time with his friends and even when I needed him the most he was never there. We have a beautiful daughter who even though she is the most precious thing to me in the entire world he wouldn’t help me with and I felt like a single parent, he would hardly take us out or spend any time with us and when he did it was so good but once we were back home he made me feel I had to be so grateful that he had sacrificed his time with his friends for me it ended up making me feel so guilty which wasn’t helping my bipolar one bit 
I felt so alone yet I was married how could I feel like this? We tried marriage counselors but unfortunately they didn’t work for us, I begain to think I was being selfish and unfair and hated myself more and more and even begged the doctor to section me. But one day as I was dragging MYSELF up from the pits of hell ( a very bad episode) I thought maybe its not me!!! My daughter was at school my husband was out with his mates yet again and I slowly begain neatly packing suitcases and bags with ALL of his stuff and loaded them into his car. Of course when he came back from another lovely day out he wasn’t too happy but I felt empowered, he tried to say I was manic and that I had finally lost the plot but I knew I felt neither as I knew what my episodes felt like and maybe if he had learnt when we went to classes then he would have know this wasn’t an episode either it wasnt if I had acted on haste this had been going on for twenty years!! I told him very calmly how I felt and that I felt alone and even unloved yet I was married yet again this felt like I was talking to the wall so I just told him to leave and I would arrange threw family for him to have contact with his daughter. I think he was so shocked he just left without much fuss, it just felt so right though the next few month weren’t easy as friends who I thought were friends turned out to be backstabbers but my family and my true best friends were there 100 percent and my ten year old daughter was the biggest Insperation and help I could have ever needed, I still had the odd morning when getting up was a struggle but I done it every day with her help coz one morning she put her laptop next to me as she said goodmorning, when I fully woke up the message in front of me read ” goodmorning mummy, you don’t have to be beautiful on the outside all that counts is that who you are inside I love you with all my heart and always will” and that was the first morning of our new life. It isn’t always easy and yes I still get depressed but I don’t hate myself or want to kill myself or feel useless and unloved I am feeling ME and its a new adventure and yes its abit scary but its mainly happy and even fun and I wouldn’t go back to my old life for all the money in the world !! 
all I can say to you don’t act on impulse but follow what truely feels right even if a little scary and maybe you will end up having your own adventure with or without your husband xxxxx p.s the message my daughter wrote to me I ended up getting tattooed on my back and yes that was an act of impulse but also a reminder that I am me and I am worth a life xxxxx take care xxxxx
To Venus H.
Just a reminder that what works for you, may not work for someone else. That is one of my biggest irritations. When someone tells me they were able to “will” themselves out of their depression by thinking positively, or my changing their eating habits or by thinking about people in Africa that are worse off than you. IF these things change your state of mind, you do NOT have clinical depression. Clinical depression isn’t just feeling sad or feeling bad about yourself. These are issues that arise with depression, but are not the cause of it.
Also fun story- I had a therapist tell me that all my problems were because I didn’t believe in God. IF only I believed in God, I would be happy. That’s another thing that should be added to this list…
well, I am bipolar. These things don’t change, my “mood”, but they indeed help me to stay in the relativelly safe place in which I can sail through an episode… and yes, thinking about something else than woe-is-me helps to keep person from spinning out of control.
The believing in God is a nonsense… although I do believe spirituality helps in a way… something to cling on and yadda yadda.
Why are you here?
You’re of no help if you reinforce the negative.
Pollie… why am I here? Because of the blogs here are actually helpful. I just don’t find this one all that great… because to me the article reinforces the negatives.
I may have some mind quirks, but I am NOT fragile. And fragile and being treated so is not what one should aspire to.
Morton, I get what you are saying, but the question is what to do for a person in middle of depressive episode? Yeah, I can listen if I know I cannot do anything for them… done it before and it is very painful thing to do and go through, even if it is the right thing at the time… but if I feel there is something I can do or advice, I would feel it is selfish not to share. I am not patronizing, but I some people will just not talk if I ask general questions… they will say everything is “fine”. Hence I ask about what I know may be a problem….
Ad food – and eating healthy… dunno, but frying a packet of frozen veggies takes few minutes… not more complicated than heat up a sausage. Opening can of hummus and adding lemon juice and garlic in it is as easy as to prepare ramen noodles! And these things taste good. You are not gonna get out of your depression if you don’t do anything yourself…
Thank you!!!
I’ve heard #1, #2 and #10 so many times.
That, and “smile, Mary!”. When I was a kid I heard this from my teachers all the time. Ugh.
I once had a co-worker say that maybe I thought about my depression too much. I resisted the urge to ask her if she thought people with chronic pain thought about their pain too much, or diabetics think about their blood sugar too much.
Instead, I gently explained to her that when I’m in remission, the fact that I have a mood disorder slides to the back burner and I don’t think about it so much, but that when I am depressed, well, it’s kinda hard not to be aware that I feel awful!
Sometimes the klutzy things people say are an opportunity to educate them on what we deal with and what helps us through it. And then sometimes we’re really not up to doing “public education.”
I have PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is a ‘whole body problem’ not just an ‘ovarian problem.’), and was taking the diabetic drug Metformin (generic of Glucophage) unaware the drug was depleting my B12 and D3 levels. I have never seen this listed as a possible side effect or on any warning labels for the med, despite several studies proving the depletions. It nearly killed me.
Please, please, please consider supplementing if you take this medicine!
Since increasing my Vita D to 20,000 mg/day, I am always happy…just like I used to be.
dear clinically depressed, I too, have pcos. I also have a lower back (sacrial iliatic joint dsfunction)pain, and esphogaul ulcer. I take aprox. 3-6 ibuprofen/day. I also take Nexium for my ulcer(which the ipuprofen don’t help the ulcer or my liver in this case), just to cope with the pain of my lower back. I am going thru menopause which is another “whammy” to my well being. Depression is with me along with anxiety. I have NO INSURANCE which is a gigantic problem. NO INSURANCE, NO HELP!!!! Along with a partner who is kinda unsupportive, is just another factor. I feel your pain and have empathy for your PCOS. No one can understand until your hit with it. Sometimes i feel like my partner would be better off finding someone else he would be happier with, but then i face the reality of it that i would loose my home of 22 yrs with out him. I have become 1 of the statistics of unemployment here in Illinois. Again, NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO HELP.
Since moving to the bible belt I have one more to add. It really sets me off, kind of implies either I don’t have enough faith or the right faith or something the way it’s said or maybe thats the depression part talking, but please don’t tell me; All I need to do is give my problems to Jesus. That or any version of easy 101 faith healing.
Great pointers. As a marriage and family therapist I often hear one partner tell another what to do and say these exact comments. It will only make the depresesd person feel worse, contribute to their feeling that the depression is like a character defect. I suggest that you ask your partner, friend, loved one what they need from you. Feeling understood is a big issue for people, if you just tell them what to do they will need feel understood. Thanks for this posting. Well said,
Cheer up!! Hate that one.
VenusH,
I think the point is that you shouldn’t say these things to a depressed person *when they’re in the middle of a severe depressive episode*.
When someone with depression is doing well they may be able to take on such advice and have the energy to work with it, but in the middle of severe depression these suggestions are just more pressure and stress that the person just can’t cope with. They can make the person feel as if you are saying it’s their fault they are depressed because they’re not doing these things you suggest.
Yes, exercise and healthy diet are important, but in the midst of severe depression it’s often all people can do to address basic hygiene needs, let alone go running, or shop and cook fresh healthy food.
I get told that I need to put my faith in God and he will heal my depression all the time. It’s very frustrating, and clearly untrue, as he hasn’t done it so far! But then they say I’m just not having enough faith.
I also get told to “snap out of it and stop navel gazing and being selfish,” as if I’m depressed out of self-absorption.
My friends ALL, without fail, tell me to exercise and do yoga, never mind that my medication is so sedating that I fall asleep just trying to read a book, and depression doesn’t exactly give me a burst of energy either.
They also tell me to go out and make friends and join clubs. Well, I don’t have the money to join clubs, and what healthy people don’t realize is that it’s very difficult to make friends when you’re in the middle of severe depression; aside from the feelings of hopelessness and insecurity and lack of energy to do much, however hard you try, people get fed up and frustrated with you “not being fun,” and I have lost all my existing friends this last summer. They said I was boring and didn’t talk much any more. Well, thanks. Now I have no-one to hang out with and distract me a little I’m doing a lot worse.
The worst is people like my husband, who get angry and frustrated when I’m depressed and shout at me and tell me they don’t know how to help me and they can’t fix me. This makes me feel horribly guilty for upsetting them, and I tell them every time, you don’t NEED to help me. I just need you to keep being my friend and talking to me and spending time with me occasionally, so I don’t feel so alone in this battle. If you feel you MUST do something, cook me dinner when I’m too depressed to move. Help me to do laundry. I don’t need you to fix me; just be there with me .
Hi Morton, wow, thats exactly how i feel sometimes! I was diagnosed bipolar 20 yrs ago, so ive been treated and medicated for that..have been so “sick” for months so i went to a specialist at UCLA. He told me i have borderline personality disorder( BPD), my family was excited about the treatment prospects, but i could only think, oh great, its not a “chemical imbalance” i just have a problem controlling my emotions. Didnt help the low self esteem. Made me have that, “its all in ur head” feeling, ugh! I too am constantly told to do yoga, etc..hard to do when i dont want to leave my room. Like doing it is suddenly going to make it all go away. Yes, it helps, not denying it..just dont have the energy. The meds.. :-/ I hate taking them but know i must. The side effects are as bad or worse than the symptoms! Im very fortunate to have a supportive/helpful husband, he helps w everything, although hes not perfect, weve been married 31 yrs so he really knows me.. He used to say, “go ahead, run to ur pills” like they were a crutch…now he says “did u take ur meds”? He finally gets it. It does help to have something u like to do, i like to paint gourds, or play games on my tab.. I have no money right now either, which makes things so much worse and more stressful. I have a lot of friends but have alieniated most of them. Im not fun right now and i know it. I hope u have a good supportive therapist, ive had the same one for 9 yrs, shes a lifesaver!! I will “talk” to you. Hope ur having a decent day.
Instead of 10 things not to say to a depressed person, maybe the list should be 10 things everyone should know about depression. Bitching at the general public for being ignorant is pointless. We can’t all be perfectly educated and sensitive to all issues all the time. I’m guessing that every depressed person out there has plenty of areas of ignorance, and most of us have stuck our foot in our mouth at one time or another! I don’t expect anybody to understand my depression and panic attacks. I’ll just explain the brain chemistry is off and it affects my reason and mood. I take my meds and things are fine. I’ve known others that aren’t so easily managed, though, and its gotta be tough. Still, we should try to be patient with others. They have their own sensitive issues, too.
This is actually on the ‘things you should say list’ but when anyone at all says to me:’ what do you think would help?’ drives me to a new state of rage along with how hopeless I feel. All I can think is ‘well, if I new what would help I’d be doing it right now wouldn’t I ??!!!!’ Or alternatively the ultimate think said to me that really really really did not help is when my dad says :’ oh, why can’t you just act normal???’ my response ;’ no dad I have a personality disorder , if that’s your attitude why don’t you tell my autistic sister to be normal too???’ lol!
Well damn, what DO you say to someone who’s depressed? I want to be a friend but this makes me feel like I just can’t win.
It certainly feels that way, doesn’t it? Sometimes all I want is a hug, but at the same time I’m reluctant to get close to people. Sometimes I can’t help thinking that people are being nice not because they like me (who would?) but because they pity me.
Just know that deep down, most of us feel better when people say something nice, supportive, or anything that shows they care. We may not appreciate it now or be able to show that appreciation, but we will someday.
The best advice I can give is to avoid saying things that you dislike hearing when you’re upset.
Surprised meditation and yoga got posted. When i feel extremely depressed and speak to my friend he tells me i need to meditate. Thats the least thing i want to hear sitting in a room closing my eyes and trying to clear my mind isnt going to fix me.
I know! I have ruminating thoughts. They’re always fairly negative (which of course make feel worse about myself), and it’s a horrible idea to have me just sit and meditate. Because that gives me more opportunity to have them. I just can’t relax and clear my mind the way you’re supposed with meditation.
Yoga can go either way though… but only if I have the energy and will-power to do them. Otherwise I can’t even do them.
thanks for sharing your thoughts. you make me feel not alone…i experience the exact same issues
I’ve always found that the worst thing to say is “Snap out of it,” “Grow up,” “Get over it,” or any other sort of variation. I always want to ask “how?” after someone says these things to me. But I know that they’ll just suggest things that I’ve already tried without success.
I also dislike when people, like my dad, demand to know how I’m feeling. My dad is really bad at this and won’t drop it until he gets a ‘good’ answer. The truth is half the time I don’t know how I feel and the other half I don’t feel any emotion at all. Usually I’m just anxious. (I have started feeling more positive emotions again recently.
) Oddly enough I also feel hopeful a lot the time too, but it’s often not enough to over-ride the negative emotions in general.
I’m sure sometimes people mean well when say things, but they seem to forget that we’re extra sensitive and have a tendency to twist even the most well-meaning comments into something negative.
That said, I do think people are also on the whole just ignorant about mental illnesses or sometimes do purposely say these things just to be mean. How else can explain this comment: “Why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself already?” Or how about “Nobody wants to hear about your crap.” And let’s not forget “You’re crazy/pathetic.” There’s no way those can be interpreted any way other than hurtful and mean!
I think the best rule of thumb for people to follow is just not to says things they don’t like hearing when they’re upset. Also avoid ‘tough love’ approaches– they make us feel worse about ourselves.
I’m so glad you posted this article. seriously, you saved my life….i was tire of not fitting in anywhere, employment issues, and this whole site has inspired me…and distracted me…thats a good thing.
I’ve suffered from depression since i was a teenager. I didnt get help until i was in my twenties. I have heard all kinds of comments from people heck i used to think most of that stuff myself. “i should be able to snap out of this” “i just need excercise and a social life” . But none of that stuff could happen because i couldnt function. I couldnt and didnt want to do anything but sleep. The only things that did help were going to my doctor and talking to my mom. I got put on a good anti depressant and now i function a lot better. I can live my life and work and yes be social without the anxiety and sadness. Though i think the best information i ever got was that i wasnt alone. I wasnt the only one feeling like i was crazy or strange. I wasnt the only one not able to “snap out of it”.
I self harm and am suicidal. I have severe depression and my friend was saying this exactly this to me on the phone. Now I feel extremely bad and even worse :’( I didn’t know I was causing everyone pain. I also got told to exercise (does that mean I’m fat?) and to eat healthy (I don’t really eat and they know I have a eating disorder!!!!) I feel like crap now!! :’( never will I talk to anyone about my problems ever again!!
This list is perfect. But numbers 1,2,8, and 10 make me angry just looking at it. Number 2 on the list is just like saying “you are being selfish”. Seriously folks, as a person that suffered from depression in the past and attempted suicide, depression is impossible to “snap out of”. It’s real. And simply mentioning the Middle East, those who deal with child abuse, Darfur, and yadda yadda… will not help. It will make them feel that they are worthless and a piece of crap, and they have no right to feel that way. And it will make them feel worse. Have you ever wondered that suicide may be caused by saying one of those 10 things listed in this article? People really need to think. You would never tell a person with cancer that it is their own fault or to snap out of it. So why say that with depression? Some of the things I’ve heard said to other people just plainly make me mad. Watch what you say, or you might be an indirect cause of their suicide. And guess whose fault it really is? YOURS!!!
This list of ten things made me feel really bad because I had discussed almost all of these points in a round about way with my depressed friend that is living with me. Some things she has brought up, some I did. After reading this I relised I may be doing more harm than good.. This list didn’t really say what TO say.
Then my friend said ‘ can we google how to increase serotonin, or how to recover from depression?’. I said, great idea! But was confused to find all the same or very similar things (in a round about way) on this list that you apparently aren’t meant to say to a depressed person????? This was over several articles, not just one.
So it’s ok for the person to find that info themselves on an article in a blog, or info in a book. BUT it’s not ok if they hear it from a person who cares and wants to help.
Being around a severely depressed person just makes me depressed. The energy is a force to be reckoned with.
Personal reflections on what to say and not to say to a depressed person are no more than that. They may be interesting but shouldn’t be taken as facts or of any transferable value. Most people don’t want advice, just listening in a non-judgmental manner and encouraging them to talk are all that is required of a non-professional.