The other day I covered 10 things you should not say to a loved one if you don’t want your name to come up in her therapy sessions. It covered a lot of ground, so I get why some folks would say, “Then what the hell CAN I say?” I’ve been thinking about that, and here’s my list. Some of them may require a personality adjustment, so just skip those.
1. Can I relieve your stress in any way?
One thing all writing manuals say is SHOW don’t TELL. Words aren’t all that helpful to a person struggling with depression. Because let me speak from experience… almost everything she hears will somehow be twisted to sound like an insult. Every suggestion — St. John’s Wort? Organic apples? Yoga?–are going to come off as: You are doing something terribly wrong and this is all your fault.
SO what I found most comforting when I couldn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps is when a friend came over and fixed me lunch, or when someone offered to tidy up my place. I realize that sounds a tad pampered and self-indulgent, but we wouldn’t think twice about doing it for someone who is going through chemo. Why not go there for a person battling a serious mood disorder?
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Site last updated: 19 Jun 2013
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This is a great “mini-series” – a real service for people with depression who so frequently feel misunderstood and feel added pressure from the often well-meant comments in the list in the previous post.
And this post gives people who care about them something they can do that’s helpful. No. 10 is beautiful. I think almost no one gets listened to enough…
Cactus lover,
I see you have a husband who is challenging for you !
Boy! do I understand. I need to be listened to!
Almost all the conversations my hub. and I have are re. – him not listening to me, or, actually, not responding appropriately to me. I am so sad – living – with no one who responds to me. We have 4 kids. I know I depended on them – for conversations, when they were home- and when they come home-; but, they are old enough now – to have moved out.
Wow, I just used #6 yesterday before reading this article and my wife told me how impactful that statement was to her. Got her through her miserable day. Also frequently practice several others, and #8 was something I picked up on a long time ago. In her case, evenings are the worst time. Also check out the PUVAS skill, works wonders.
i was married to a depressed person for 15 years. i tried everything, nothing helped. after begging for help from his family, and doctor…nothing, i left because i was getting sick and depressed. i thought it would be better for both of us. i was wrong. but i am free, thriving, and happy. i still think about him. i feel guilty, but know it was necessary because he wouldn’t get treatment.
I was having sleep and back pain issues. Was always offered an antidepressant by pcp. Refused. had other physical symptoms that she always looped back to “depression”. “you look good” was her responce dispite my observations, symptoms and insistance that I am not experienceing the transition into middle age as my peers are….finally demanded a referral to a Rheumatologist……I have a list of illnesses that would make anyones head spin. I have never experienced such anger! The last 3plus years have wasted away,diseases progressed to now include cancer…just remember we are not all horses…some of us are zebras. wish I had switched docs but the back pain made this intimidating as it carries such a stigma etc. It may truley be a physical issue that a simple CBC will not pick up on. I have “grimise” wrinkles on my face from trying to cope with the pain and”act” normal to get through my days at work. At home my sweet hubby was picking up the slack. RUN to a different provider…don’t be patient RUN
As a provider for almost 20 years, this is a valid and realistic post by Ms Borchard, and I would like to offer this perspective to any and all interested readers who are looking for what is more often the standard of care for depression, as well as most other psychiatric disorders that are effectively treatable:
In these times of growing socioeconomic strife and uncertainty, there are no magic pills or quick fix mantra that will bring people out of depression in a rapid and effective manner when such struggles are at least partially driven by stressors. And, telling your provider you have read on the internet about such alleged interventions that supposedly do provide a rapid and effective manner and then expect said provider to take responsibility for letting the patient access such interventions, I hope you know what you are getting yourself into. Nameless, faceless “experts” or “advisors” in a medium with little if any accountability is not a good idea for people who might be at risk for easy suggestibility and low frustration tolerance, often found in depression and anxiety. Sites like this seem to provide a good, genuine service, but others I have read or heard about from colleagues and patients, well…?
Illness is often multifactorial, meaning there are probably several factors in an illness becoming manifested, so looking for one intervention, like just medications, is unlikely to provide long lasting relief and impact. In line with my perspective and opinion per this specific post’s offering, I would offer this to those involved with a person suffering with depression: Any and all of the above suggestions in the above post, as well as an augmented framing of those suggestions in the form of “would you want me to come with you to a doctor’s visit so I can be a direct form of support, fill in any blanks that might be there per just your reporting as the patient, and learn how I can understand the problem so I can be of the best support possible hereon?” When patients have collateral supports there in the office, the likelihood of a more positive outcome is often enhanced.
Just remember this though, reading about something on the internet does not make it fact and gospel, and should not trump a provider’s genuine concern in debating whether or not the internet perspective has to be followed. I am not infallible and all knowing, but I am the one in the office with you, and in the end the accountability and responsibility falls on my shoulders in implementing a treatment plan. Not some site or post from someone who has not directly intervened in your personal matters.
Hope this perspective helps and motivates for good care. I am deeply, genuinely concerned with the intensity and frequency of patients coming into the office and citing the internet as fact and direction. Especially about medication needs. Not an issue with PsychCentral, but I hope colleagues reading here may weigh in what they have been dealing with for the past few years.
Thanks for this article. I recently lost my sweet best friend to suicide. I now see another friend, someone at work I don’t know that well, sinking into a BAD depression. I’m worried about him. I know his mental health is not my responsibility, but I can try to help with these kind words and actions.
This is decent help for people trying to find a way to help their struggling loved ones.
This is a great conversation and well worth following. I am a suicide-attempt survivor and now advocate for speaking out about such an experience. When I googled suicide survivor I recognized that there were mainly sites that offered support to those bereauved by suicide (they were consisidered the survivors). This did not sit well with me as I consider myself a survivor as well. I offer to this conversation to consider those of “us”, who suffer from depression and suicidal behaviour, as the same as everyone else. Open the door to conversation because perhaps the hardest thing for “us” to do is ask for help in the midst of a black tunnel. To offer support and encourage the asking of help without judgement and without running to the phone to call 911 means a lot. “How can I help you to keep safe right now?” “Thanks for trusting me and asking for my support during this tough time.” These are comments that not only show support, but offer moments of choice and empower “us” to work through these tough times. Thanks to all those who have walked BESIDE me in my times of distress!
Cathy, I enjoyed your comments. The black tunnel is so hard to find your way through, especially when you never wanted to be there in the first place. I have one, not a sister or an adult child that will even speak to me anymore, and the prospect of spending another holiday without even being able to speak to even one of my 10 grandchildren is more than I can bear.
What if the grieving is for loss of who a beloved person “once was” but has so changed — through acute emotional stresses/anxieties — that the person “no longer exists” as such??? That person is me as mother of my elder daughter who is 41 and has two little children. PTSD has changed me, and I cannot be who I was. Daughter has soooo much anger at me, cannot accept who I am now; wants me to “fix it” by getting back the good mama parts she always cherished. Her therapist told her she is “mourning a loss.” But I don’t know how to help her or urge her to try to work through the mourning stages she is stuck in (anger; denial). She says she can’t get past those.
(She declares I am the “best” grammy for her kids and says I provided her and her sister the best childhood ever….)
She considers our relationship highly at risk, so I need help!
Any advice for me/her?
PsychCentral has become my go-to for so many tips & ideas to pass on to clients.
And yet…after all of my efforts (through DBT & other means) to overcome “cognitive distortions” I am staring at a heading that uses “Should.” Are there no other words available? “Benefit” comes to mind.
Also, as many readers are clinicians, perhaps someone has a tip for me as to how to move a MDD client off the mark of refusing (with an absoluteness that is scary) to accept any idea that shakes his undying belief that all is black & pointless no matter how much evidence is available to the contrary. Asked if he is willing to see the positive in any event or situation, he refuses unequivocally. Has anyone had any luck with a client who is in such rigid resistance? (PS. I have shown him at least a dozen times how to achieve positive results, from guided imagery [it worked in relieving anxiety & aiding in sleep] to finding a dog trainer [which worked in calming the dog & teaching obedience]. The end result is a response that “nothing works.”)
Thanks.
This is a very helpful list. One or two on it, I have a quibble with, but mostly it’s great. I would recommend, to commenter #10, to investigate therapeutic options such as Emotional Freedome Technique (EFT), Tapas Accupressure Technique (TAT), Family Constellation/Entanglement work, or Voice Dialogue. All of these tools ‘shift’ a person’s energy into a state where they no longer carry around patterns that keep them stuck. I have gotten a LOT of relief from these tools. They require some courage & some practice. The first two can be self-administered or can be facilitated by a trained practitioner. The other two are best done with help from experienced professionals. Drugs may help but in the long run, it’s the ‘program’ or ‘belief’ or ‘pattern’ that keeps people stuck. Clear that, and healing can occur. Since I was diagnosed at age 16, and am now 54, with the experience of years of drug treatment, therapy, and sheer will power & determination to stay alive, I speak as one who has seen & experienced huge shifts when I took it upon myself to look at my WHOLE LIFE, not just my illness, as the situation that needed my attention. Thanks for sharing such good stuff to SAY!!
Did you ever get a response to this post? I’d be very interested, because my daughter has been diagnosed with major depression. All she can see is the mud from the hole where she “lives”. I could use some help. She has a counselor, but is adamant that she will NEVER be better. Thanks!
This is wonderfull! You couldn´t put it better! I stuggle how to make my husband uderstand that helping a depressed person is not a metter of telling her to keep pushing, that you have to see around you and be concious that everything ia allright and you are not supossed to feel like that.
Thanks for your comments, they are really helpfull.
dear provider,good 10 points have been given ,but want to add
11.Now I have come for you. I want to enjoy life in your company.
12.You have always helped me ,on this occasion,on this occasion… and I can never forget. I am now in a position to become happy by giving services in such and such manner pl oblige me again.
I don’t know if anyone will see this comment, since it is a couple years after the others, but on the “I’m here for you,” please don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that from “friends” only to be abandoned by them when the depression lasts longer than the “friends” are able to handle. Clinical depression is a long dark hole, and yes, it really sucks being around someone who is depressed. It takes real perseverance and understanding to stick someone who is clinically depressed. Being friends with the mentally ill is not for the faint of heart of fair weather friends. Just remember–if you think it sucks being around someone who is depressed–a lot of us have fought the hell of depression for a lifetime, and it isn’t exactly a picnic for us either.